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Any other poly folks in an LDR?

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    #1

    Any other poly folks in an LDR?

    I'm a secondary to a woman who lives in my area. She and I have been together just over six months, now.

    I'm also two months into a primary relationship with a man who lives about four hours away. I'm normally the slow-and-sensible type when it comes to feelings, but we took the New Relationship Energy straight to the face from minute one, he and I. We're pretty crazy about each other, and already batting about ideas on how and when it would be desirable to close the distance.

    He's also, as far as I can tell, pretty hard-wired for monogamy. I told him about my situation immediately when we started chatting, and when we began our relationship, he asked to be my only male partner, but said he was comfortable with my existing relationship with my girlfriend.

    Lately our first-date jitters are starting to meld into something a little deeper, though. It's getting harder to say goodbye after our weekends together, and those first couple of days of being apart again afterward are getting tough.

    The last time I spent an evening with my girl, he spent the following day being very quiet and withdrawn -- none of our usual (cheery, incessant) texting. When I finally got him to talk about it, he confided that he was really struggling with feeling alone in suffering the distance, because while he has only an empty apartment to come home to when I leave, I have my lady to fall back on. He said he understands that I miss him (terribly), too, but that it's hard for him to hear me commiserate with him over how crummy it feels, when I have the comfort of her, and be doesn't have anyone else.

    Does anyone have any advice on how I can help him feel like we're in this together?

    I also suspect that he's starting to discover that his feelings are becoming more complicated re: my having another relationship at all. I was aware we might have to deal with this, but I've never had to walk someone through How to Be Ok With Poly before. Any insights from those with personal experiences on the subject would be awesome, but you can skip the Poly For Monos 101, as I'm active on poly forums, and have read it many times before.

    Thanks so much for listening.

    -Bailey
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    #2
    The only one I know of in LFAD is differentcountries.
    "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

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      #3
      Well I'm not sure I have any advice for you (at least not right now on 7 hours of sleep in 2 days) but there are other poly members here. Myself being one of them. My CD SO is actually the one that has more of a problem dealing with "sharing" me. My LD SO is actually here right now on our first ever visit and he seems to be taking it very well, he said that it is much easier for him having her here, seeing how we are and knowing that neither of us intend on cutting him out of the relationship. They get along very well are both making sure the other is ok with everything that is going on (who's getting what time with me and such).

      Have your SO's met in person? Do they talk? Are they supportive of each other? Sorry if that's Poly 101, I'm quite new to it myself, I just know that really helps my bf, being checked in on by gf and being reassured that we're not leaving him out of anything, and that we acknowledge and care about his feelings.
      Last edited by KrazyKat; August 28, 2014, 08:44 AM.

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        #4
        Originally posted by KrazyKat View Post
        Have your SO's met in person? Do they talk? Are they supportive of each other? Sorry if that's Poly 101, I'm quite new to it myself, I just know that really helps my bf, being checked in on by gf and being reassured that we're not leaving him out of anything, and that we acknowledge and care about his feelings.

        I have tried to encourage this, but so far, while Lady is all about meeting him (she's a long-time poly, and is firmly in compersionsville about it), he has been resisting. He's uncomfortable with the idea of seeing me being affectionate with her.

        He also insists that he doesn't feel *threatened* by her, he doesn't think she's out to get him or anything, so he doesn't feel he would benefit from getting to know her as a person. Personally, I'm not trying to prove to him that she's a nice person -- I think it would benefit him on another level that I'm having difficulty describing to him. All I know is that it made things less scary and abstract for me, when I met my first poly partner's wife. It made more comfortable to feel like a part of their network instead of like The Other Woman.

        Do you think I should keep trying to talk him into a meeting? Or should I back off and see if he'll come round on his own? I'm kind of worried that if I don't nudge him some more, he'll get to "I need to be your one and only" before ever really giving the idea of me and her a chance.

        Also: lol, no, that's not what I meant when I said Poly 101 at all -- I just meant to avoid "maybe you should explain to him that love isn't a finite resource" and the like. Your response is exactly the sort of thing I was lookig for. Thank you!! Enjoy your weekend with your LD partner. =D

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          #5
          Hello! I am living in a poly relationship with my husband and my boyfriend, my boyfriend is LD. I consider them both my primaries. They have met twice (we have lived together for about one week on both those occations) and have their own contact. I am still in kind of New Relationship Energy phase with my boyfriend, but we have also taken things a bit far, as I pretty soon met his family (some know we are poly) and we also sort of live together in Turkey. My boyfriend considers himself to be monogamous, but he is willing to make an exeption for me because he loves me.

          As for advice, I do try to hold back on the I miss you-complaining. He complains that he is alone and I let him. I also hold back on complaining about sexual frustration, I don't think that is really appropriate.

          He has had his "But this cannot last"-outbursts, which have been pretty hurtful. I think the biggest challenge is that he is close to but also afraid of the opinions of, his mother. She is quite fierceful, so I can understand that! He has lost two familymembers, his sister passed away last year. I really don't want to stand between him and his family, but at the same time I do hope we can have a future. We have planned to live together until he goes to compulsory military duty in the fall of 2015.
          Last edited by differentcountries; August 28, 2014, 10:11 AM.
          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

          Comment

            #6
            I would try to open him up to the idea of meeting. Perhaps starting off with something less in your face like texting. And assure him that if he would give meeting her a chance that you will do your best not to be affectionate with her in front of him. My bf has requested that we don't hug, kiss, hold hands, etc in front of him until he says that he is ok with it. So we are respecting that. He actually asked me last night if she's tried to kiss me yet and if I let her and did a happy dance when I said yes. Quite a change from how he felt about it before meeting her in person.

            If you have been talking about it a lot though and he seems to be frustrated with you suggesting it I'd say leave it alone for a little while and then try to reopen the discussion.

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              #7
              Maybe you can start off real easy, like becoming Facebook friends and just send a little text.

              Also remember that understanding poly takes time. What is in it for him, he might ask himself. It is not easy to spot before you are a part of it, but what my boyfriend said is that we are really open with him which makes him want to be open too and that he feels respected, understood even. When you are open it might sometimes hurt, but it always feels better afterwords.

              I don't hold anybody's hand in front of the other, we might kiss but only very lightly like one would in front of a friend. The thing I like the most to to is to put my feet in one guy's lap while talking to the other, to me that is very intimate and allows me to connect with both of them.
              Last edited by differentcountries; August 28, 2014, 04:16 PM.
              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

              Comment

                #8
                Have you looked into mono -poly relationships in general? There are some things written online, I can't link since I am on my phone, but if you Google "mono -poly relationships "I guess there will be a few hits. Anyway, I guess the whole concept of living polyamorously seem strange when people are not used to it. It is really up to you to show that you can indeed love and take care of more than one person. Time is your friend, whatever questions come up you can answer them little by little.
                Last edited by differentcountries; August 30, 2014, 05:50 PM.
                I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                Comment

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