Remaining friends?

[lilspitfire]

My SO and I broke up and the topic has come up before that if we ever did, would we remain friends? Our answer was yes. Of course I NEVER imagined it would happen, but it did. So.......can you remain friends? Would you?

[lilspitfire]

My answer is yes. We promised each other we would and so we will. It may take a few months, but I will remain his friend.

[Unconditional]

It ultimately depends on how we broke up.. If it was nasty, no. If it was mutual, then maybe. I'm not big on staying friends with exes though. Everyone that comes into your life for a reason, they're either a blessing or a lesson. They come and go when they want. If someone wants to be in your life, they will make an effort no matter how small.

[lilspitfire]

It ultimately depends on how we broke up.. If it was nasty, no. If it was mutual, then maybe.

I thought about this too. If it was a mutual break up, then no problem. It was a nasty one. But I made a promise.

[whatruckus]

It ultimately depends on how we broke up.. If it was nasty, no. If it was mutual, then maybe. I'm not big on staying friends with exes though. Everyone that comes into your life for a reason, they're either a blessing or a lesson. They come and go when they want. If someone wants to be in your life, they will make an effort no matter how small.

Agreed. I may only be in my third relationship ever, but the first two didn't end so nicely. The first one I was in, I was only 16 and we dated for 3 months, but he broke up with me in an IM over AIM and told me he was in love with our friend. Took me a year to even talk to him again, and I had to see him every day at school. The second one, I'm sure everyone by now pretty much knows how bad it was, and I'll never, ever, speak to him again. Even if he tried.

This one, it depends. Even if we ended on decent terms, I would have to not talk to him for a bit in order to heal and grieve. If it ends bad, no way.

It's bad, really, I hold grudges and I may forgive, but I never forget.

[rubydissolution]

I've remained friendly with a good handful of my exes. It can happen but it takes times. You have to get over the relationship and what you meant to each other. This the most important thing to consider is this. When they find a new SO, are you emotionally able to be happy for them? Or will you be too jealous or hurt to be supportive? If the answer is yes I can be happy for them then you have reached the point where friendship is possible. If it's the latter then you are not and may never be able to be friends.

[jana89]

It's bad, really, I hold grudges and I may forgive, but I never forget.

This is so me! I think we can´t stay on friends terms with my ex-SO, too many things happened between us and too many emotions are involved. We will stay in touch on Facebook or something, but I wouldn´t call it friends.

[Dezface]

I wish my ex and I could have remained friends. But there was just too much....everything. I think if we were ever to be friends it would be 30 years down the line when we can look back and laugh. If my current SO and I broke up....I doubt we would be friends either. We have a child so we would always be on good terms but I just don't know that we could be "friends." It's hard to explain why I feel that way without sounding really negative when I don't mean to, so I'll leave it at that.

[TwoThree]

I think generally it is a bad idea. I would absolutely hate to lose my SO as a friend, but I have to consider my well-being and his. Staying in touch will make it hard to move on, for at least one of us. And I don't ever imagine us having a messy break-up, I'm sure it would be amicable. If people have a nasty break-up, all the more reason to cut all ties and and give yourself time to heal.

Of course after a while, when both have moved on with their lives, I wouldn't exclude going back to being friends, but that would be a bit.. delicate regarding future partner for both parties.

[differentcountries]

I had a nasty breakup with my ex. I got pretty upset by some of the things that happened and she was not acting like a nice friend. I took a LONG break from her, including no contact on a social network site we both used. Then after I married we got Facebook friends (when we broke up there was no Facebook). I can see now that she still has some good qualities. I forgave myself and her for all that happened between us, and I wrote that in a blog I knew she would read. We don't have a lot of contact outside of Facebook but me and my husband are thinking of seeing her. She was our mutual friend. I guess I would say we are friends now. I like to pay attention to what she does. I hope she finds someone who can suit her better than I did.

If my husband and I broke up, I knew he would never be able to be friends. In fact, when we were just close friends and he fell for me I knew that I would loose him if I did not date him. If me and my boyfriend broke up, I don't think he would be able to be friends with me either. There is just too much intense emotions on board. He is very civil towards people he has slept with and such, but it is not hard for him as he doesn't care that much about them either way.

My other ex and I have tried to keep in touch as friends, I dont think that is working out very well, because our friendship relationship has the same problems our affair did and also I think he is still in love with me. I sometimes find myself wanting to contact him but if we are going to have a friendship in the future I will need more distance first. We were too untertwined and he has problems I can't deal with right now.

[p_b82]

I think it does all depend on circumstances, but my break did not go well, our relationship was not going well for a few years prior to the breakup itself, and we have actually been discussing how we would separate and go our separate ways in as amicable fashion as possible... and then she broke all the 'rules' we had discussed and put on the table so not to hurt the other party. Such as bringing ****toys home to play with while the other person was around, and equally understandable ground rules.

I blocked her from FB for over 12 months after she unfriended me 3 days after breaking up with me, and still have not said a word to her since I moved out our old place. I changed her contact record to ignore, and I have made it very clear to her, and all our mutual friends, that the way she behaved has ruined any chance she ever had with being my friend, as she knew how much that one rule would hurt me, and yet she did it anyway. I've been to only one event where she was there, she spent most the evening looking at me, and I purposefully ignored her if she looked like she wanted to catch my eye or say something.

The fling I had after the breakup is a bit more tricky - she got more emotionally involved than me, and while we had always stated that we wanted to be friends above anything else, the fact that I told her just before I aksed my GF out that there was not going to be any-more intimacy between us, and that as a result there was no chance to be an 'us' she has grown a lot more distant than me and mostly only contacts me a few days after I reach out to her. It is a shame, and hopefully things will ease in due course, but if I do end up relocating, I can see this friendship dying out as well, as I will be honest, I get fed up of initiating contact with people all the time rather than it being evenly split.

[lilspitfire]

I think generally it is a bad idea. I would absolutely hate to lose my SO as a friend, but I have to consider my well-being and his. Staying in touch will make it hard to move on, for at least one of us. And I don't ever imagine us having a messy break-up, I'm sure it would be amicable. If people have a nasty break-up, all the more reason to cut all ties and and give yourself time to heal.

Of course after a while, when both have moved on with their lives, I wouldn't exclude going back to being friends, but that would be a bit.. delicate regarding future partner for both parties.

I agree. But like I said, it was something I promised. It's something I usually never do. It's hard to explain. It will have to be a really long time from now.

[Dziubka]

I think generally it is a bad idea. I would absolutely hate to lose my SO as a friend, but I have to consider my well-being and his. Staying in touch will make it hard to move on, for at least one of us. And I don't ever imagine us having a messy break-up, I'm sure it would be amicable. If people have a nasty break-up, all the more reason to cut all ties and and give yourself time to heal.

Of course after a while, when both have moved on with their lives, I wouldn't exclude going back to being friends, but that would be a bit.. delicate regarding future partner for both parties.

This.
I had two serious relationships before I met my SO. I'm facebook friends with both of my exes because I cared for them and I like to know what's going on in their lives, but I'm really not interested in being friends-friends with them. In both cases it was me who ended the relationship and I'm pretty sure staying friends would have given them hope that I didn't want to give them. They've also both behaved not very fairly after the break-up, so apart from the hope-issue, they just turned into the kind of people I don't want to be friends with.

I would hate to lose my SO as a friend, because he's an all around great and loveable person, but I can't imagine ever being ok with being just friends with him.

There are enough awesome people in the world, that you don't necessarily need to be friends with your ex.

*edit:
Re promise: Maybe I'm a flake, but we promise a lot of things during a relationship (you know, including for some people the whole, until death do us apart). Sometimes circumstances change.

[conejita_hada]

*edit:
Re promise: Maybe I'm a flake, but we promise a lot of things during a relationship (you know, including for some people the whole, until death do us apart). Sometimes circumstances change.

I agree, a promise like this can't be expected to be carried through when an unexpected and (possibly) painful situation like a break-up comes about.

[lilspitfire]

*edit:
Re promise: Maybe I'm a flake, but we promise a lot of things during a relationship (you know, including for some people the whole, until death do us apart). Sometimes circumstances change.

Yeah, but it kind of seems spiteful. Oh I promised I'd stay your friend until you dumped me. Now I'm going to go back on my promise. We were friends first. Then became a couple. Yes, it is *very* difficult to think about going back to being just friends. I met him. We stayed together for 6 days. I slept in his bed. We were intimate and affectionate. But I made a promise and I don't want to seem some vindictive bitch by breaking it to suit me. Idk, maybe I'm the weird one.