Dealing with a depressed boyfriend.

[pinksparkly33]

My boyfriend is dealing with a REALLY bad bout of depression right now. He is in the midst of a custody battle, trying to find a new place to live, a new job & is giving up smokeless tobacco and having awful withdrawal symptoms. He was basically MIA all weekend and today he called me and he told me that he needs some time to himself to deal with how he's feeling. He said he has no idea when he will feel better and that he will call me when he feels like he can communicate like a normal person. He told me that if I push him, it won't be pretty. But it's so hard to just let him be when I'm so worried about him.

Is it normal for men (or even some women) to just want to be left alone when they are dealing with a lot? I'm the opposite - I want to talk it out so it's hard for me to understand. I just somehow need to figure out how to deal with this and stay sane.

[Kapwned]

Some people are just like that. Just keep some distance but let him know that should he need someone to talk to you are here for him. If you go a concerning long period without hearing from him just send him a little message on Facebook, text, or whatever, and ask how everything is doing, you just want to make sure he's doing okay.

[p_b82]

Sometimes being emotionally selfish is the best way to be able sort things out, clear all other distractions off the table and focus only on the problems at hand and how to deal with them. when you are able to get a handle on things, then reaching out is easier otherwise it can all be rather overwhelming!

As suggested don't 'pester' but send periodic messages of support so he knows you are there and you care still, and I am sure he'll appreciate it even if he doesn't respond or articulate it!

[differentcountries]

It is not just a boy thing. I can be like that sometimes (it used to drive my ex girlfriend crazy), when I am sick or tired I sometimes just want to be alone.

The problem with being depressed and alone is that your thoughts can spin very dark when you don't get other impulses. Are you sure this is the right time for him to quit smoking? While I am all for quitting smoking, there is a time for everything. I try to make SO quit but for now I think him reducing/switching to electronicals will do him better. He too has a lot on his mind about work. I am sure quitting will be far easier once he sorts out the job things. If he/you want to stick to it, withdrawel is very hard, I was a mes just for quitting/reducing coffe a couple of years ago. There are som drugs to ease things, perhaps he could try those.

While he wants to be left alone, there still needs to be some kind of communication. Can you ask him to at least send you a couple of texts? Also, while of course it is true that he doesn't know when things will end, that is also very caotic for you. There should be a time limit for when, if things are not better, he should seek out help for his depression symptoms. He has responsabilities towards himself, you and the kid in question to keep as sane as possible, and to keep an ongoing communication with you.

[pinksparkly33]

Well, it's not smoking. It's chewing tobacco or whatever it's called. He has meds for anxiety and I suggested to him that he take them, but he seemed to be scared of getting addicted to them. He's so volatile right now, I'm afraid to text him & suggest anything else that might help. The friend he is staying with right now... her wife is a psychiatrist or something like that, so hopefully she will be able to pick up on things if they get too bad.

And I know that it's so selfish for me to even feel this way when he's dealing with so much, but I have this fear of him leaving me. That he's going to just forget about me or that he's withdrawing in preparation to leave me. I know that sounds crazy.. but I really feel crazy right now. I know if I push him, I'll lose him. I know him well enough to know he was serious about that. I just have no idea how to keep myself sane. I'm seriously worried about him. About us. Sorry for rambling.

[differentcountries]

Well, it's not smoking. It's chewing tobacco or whatever it's called. He has meds for anxiety and I suggested to him that he take them, but he seemed to be scared of getting addicted to them. He's so volatile right now, I'm afraid to text him & suggest anything else that might help. The friend he is staying with right now... her wife is a psychiatrist or something like that, so hopefully she will be able to pick up on things if they get too bad.

And I know that it's so selfish for me to even feel this way when he's dealing with so much, but I have this fear of him leaving me. That he's going to just forget about me or that he's withdrawing in preparation to leave me. I know that sounds crazy.. but I really feel crazy right now. I know if I push him, I'll lose him. I know him well enough to know he was serious about that. I just have no idea how to keep myself sane. I'm seriously worried about him. About us. Sorry for rambling.

I was on anxiety medicaton for a short time (I have pain issues and I developed anxitey when my pain medication was on too low dosage). It is supposed to help you, and it did me. I felt weird taking them, but it was better than just staying inside my pretty messed up head. Do you have any way to reach this friend/psyciatrist wife, to ask them to keep an eye on him and perhaps persuade him to start on the medication, perhaps make it like a trial? Or she may be able to talk over with him other ways to cope with his anxiety. I don't have that much experience with it, but I believe cognitive therapy methods can be used.

It is not at all selfish to want to connect to your SO and want to be kept in the loop of what is happening. Also, in loosing himself he could also loose you. You fear very real things. If I were you I would call his friend without him finding out, especially if this phaze continues.

[TaraMarie]

Omg, you could be talking about MY SO. I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING TWO YEARS AGO. We didn't talk for a month. He went to therapy twice, but decided that wasn't for him. He finally shook it off, but other then me sending a random text every day or so, we just didn't speak..... It hasn't happened since, thankfully!

[pinksparkly33]

I was on anxiety medicaton for a short time (I have pain issues and I developed anxitey when my pain medication was on too low dosage). It is supposed to help you, and it did me. I felt weird taking them, but it was better than just staying inside my pretty messed up head. Do you have any way to reach this friend/psyciatrist wife, to ask them to keep an eye on him and perhaps persuade him to start on the medication, perhaps make it like a trial? Or she may be able to talk over with him other ways to cope with his anxiety. I don't have that much experience with it, but I believe cognitive therapy methods can be used.

It is not at all selfish to want to connect to your SO and want to be kept in the loop of what is happening. Also, in loosing himself he could also loose you. You fear very real things. If I were you I would call his friend without him finding out, especially if this phaze continues.

I don't have her number. I only met her twice, and I haven't met her wife yet. So I have no real way to reach either of them. It's really scary.

[differentcountries]

I don't have her number. I only met her twice, and I haven't met her wife yet. So I have no real way to reach either of them. It's really scary.

If you know her name, perhaps you can find her on Google or Facebook.

Otherwise, you perhaps have to set at time limit to yourself on how much you are willing to cope with. One thing is not having much contact for a few weeks, or perhaps a moth, but if it becomes a regular thing it will be damaging on your relationship because you can't connect if you are not in contact. My limit for shitty behaviour is pretty much a month. SO had a 3-4 week period where he acted really weird (he was trying to study, which is not his forte, and felt a bit out of place because it is hard to focus when he only had one class a week), I tried to be understanding about it but in the end I felt so lonely in our relationship that I told him that if he did not bring himself/our relationship back I would feel we had nothing, and that I needed his attention/focus on our relationship in order for me to stay in it. In the beginning he felt critisized but then I said: I just want to connect... Then our relationship changed back to what it was before. He really did not have much experience talking about difficult feelings (his family are easygoing but much the suck it up-type. They also have had deaths in the family and one pretty recent before I came into the picture). I am learning him to talk about emotions, the way I learned my husband 10 years back. We do things "his way" by beeing tough too, but he doesn't get to decide how we cope all the time. I really need him to sometimes talk to me about his feelings.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Honestly, it depends on the person whether they want to be left alone when they're dealing with things, so if your SO says he wants to be alone to deal with it, trust that it's what's needed for him. It doesn't matter if it's normal to arbitrary other people, etc.

My SO also deals with depression. There are definitely times that he just wants to be alone/not talk if he's having a bad time of it, because it's all he can do to just focus on the tasks in front of him that need to get done, like getting out of bed, getting to work, managing to eat something. There's no room for connecting with people, especially a romantic partner, at those times, he's just trying to get through the day.

It sucks as the person who is trying to be supportive, especially if you're like me and your idea of support is actively listening, or doing sweet things or whatever, as opposed to the support they need, which is to be given space and time to themselves.

My best suggestion is to keep yourself busy with friends and hobbies, and check in now and then in a light and unstressful way. I'll usually send a quick text or message on chat in the morning when I get up or in the evening before bed. Just a "Going to sleep in a minute, but I'm thinking of you and hope you're okay" kind of thing.

It's worrying to not be "in the loop" in some ways, I know, but it sounds like that's what your partner needs right now. As DC said, kind of have at least a general idea in your mind of where you draw the line/how much you'll put up with for how long, but just try to trust and give some space for now.

And definitely do make plans and get out of the house and do things. I know at first it kinda feels a little uncaring, like it's bad that you're making plans for fun things when your SO is struggling, but it's crucial to help keep yourself getting some other positive interaction to keep up your spirits, and just keep your own life going. People who are partners of a depressed person are susceptible to getting symptoms of depression themselves, so it's a good idea to remember to practice self-care as well.

Good luck.

[pinksparkly33]

People who are partners of a depressed person are susceptible to getting symptoms of depression themselves, so it's a good idea to remember to practice self-care as well.

Good luck.

I think I am already feeling some of the symptoms. He & I are so connected. It's unlike anything I've ever felt. So I know it's NOTHING as severe as what he is feeling, but I can definitely tell something is up with me, too.

[differentcountries]

I think I am already feeling some of the symptoms. He & I are so connected. It's unlike anything I've ever felt. So I know it's NOTHING as severe as what he is feeling, but I can definitely tell something is up with me, too.

This is when love gets less magical. You have to separate yourself from him somehow, to take care of yourself.

[Jaac]

When my SO lived in Australia, he was having some kind of depression as well.
Just like yours, my SO said he needed time alone and he didn't want contact and he didn't want to talk about it.
While, if I were in his shoes, he would be the one I would talk to constantly to make me feel better.
I guess we just can't look into each others brain. Everybody reacts different in different situations.

At least he phoned you and told you what was going on, this shows that he cared about you and he doesn't want you to worry about him not talking to you.
I wouldn't bother him to much because you will probably only push him away.
I would send him a 'how are you feeling' message once a week, but is he doesn't iniciate a conversation I would leave it until he comes to you.

Good luck!!

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I find this post interesting and just want to share my opinion being the one on the opposite side of where you sit.

I suffer from chronic depression, PTSD, and other issues. Which have had a major effect on my relationship. Sometimes I just need to be left alone to my thoughts in order to figure out the best way to heal or get through whatever I am going through. Other times I may be extremely clingy and need my SO to reassure me that everything will be alright.

But I got asked on Tumblr an awesome question dealing with it on how it has effected my partner. So I decided to do a youtube video and ask him that I called Depression In Relationships. His response was that sometimes you have to be the rock and hold the other person up just like they have to sometimes hold you up. And that it can be annoying. That you have to balance each other out. That you have to be supportive and realize while it is hard on you, its hard on them too.

SO my advice is to give him time. Maybe take up a hobby or two so it doesnt bother you so much and you can be distracted. And let him come around in his own time. But be strong.

[Redheart14]

I find this post interesting and just want to share my opinion being the one on the opposite side of where you sit.

I suffer from chronic depression, PTSD, and other issues. Which have had a major effect on my relationship. Sometimes I just need to be left alone to my thoughts in order to figure out the best way to heal or get through whatever I am going through. Other times I may be extremely clingy and need my SO to reassure me that everything will be alright.

But I got asked on Tumblr an awesome question dealing with it on how it has effected my partner. So I decided to do a youtube video and ask him that I called Depression In Relationships. His response was that sometimes you have to be the rock and hold the other person up just like they have to sometimes hold you up. And that it can be annoying. That you have to balance each other out. That you have to be supportive and realize while it is hard on you, its hard on them too.

SO my advice is to give him time. Maybe take up a hobby or two so it doesnt bother you so much and you can be distracted. And let him come around in his own time. But be strong.

Very true. I've realised I sometimes forget how much my SO has pulled me through a rough time when I'm trying to do the same for him. People (well maybe it's just me) tend to forget when they're not the one going through the hard time. Support him however he needs, if it's space he needs then as hard as it is, give him space.