Question about former crush being friends

[Gingerlyme]

hey folks.

I need to pick your brains for this one.

My S/O and i have been together for 9months now, though we had a month break inbetween. (long story to write about it here)

My S/O used to have this huge crush on his childhood friend for 5years and he loved her. Till today, she is the only girl he ever truly loved. Ok, he never dated much and his longest relationship lasted for 6months (oh well). We have never said "I love you" to each other yet, i guess it takes longer for a LDR and "Love" to him means a big deal. Even though he loved her, he never actually said "I love you" to any girl till today.

The thing about this girl is that his Best friend has been dating her sister for 9years. The whole bunch of them have been friends since elementary school (they are all in their mid 20s now). He drifted apart from them for 2years but are now back to being close friends with the group.

The girl, lets name her Kay, is in a 5year relationship with her current boyfriend. She never returned my s/o love or crush, she was never interested in him only saw him as a brother. My S/O and her used to be best friends (my poor baby got friend zoned).
Now he is trying to get back to being friends with her again (he is only close to his best friend and not the girls). They both went out on a luncheon just the two of them and thought it was nice to be friends again like they were before.

ALRIGHT
Question time: He wants to continue to have these "one on one catch up with her", not weekly but regularly. Do you think it is wise for him to do it? do you think its a recipe for disaster?

A little more info: he has said that he only sees her as a friend now, all feelings from the past has been laid to rest. i am the only one he wants and he would not give me up for anything. She will always be a part of his life and i am ok with that, the whole bunch of them have been friends since forever and i am glad for them. he is a great guy because he is surrounded by amazing people.

My feelings: I am not worried about him still having feelings or wanting to see if he can get her attention. but i am curious about why he feels the absolute need to reconnect with her again. he seems very insistent on the get-togethers. My only fear comes in because he used to love her and i dont want him to get hurt again or start to question our relationship (which i know he wouldnt do).

[differentcountries]

It differs very much how fast people say I love you in relationships. My SO is very impulsive (when he is not extremely private), so he pretty much just said it right away, along with other things people might reserve for people they have known longer.

She was his crush but also his friend, and he probably feels it would be nice for the whole gang to be able to stay together and also one-on-one. A long time has passed. Perhaps he wants to test himself to see if he has gotten over his romantic feelings for her, so that he once again can be close to her and her sister. He might miss her as a friend.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I dont think its that big of a deal for them to be friends again, however if it was me, I'd simply like to know when they are meeting up. Just for my knowledge and so that I can see if behavior changes reflect when he sees her.

However, if my SO wanted to hang out with his old friends that he may have had a crush on, I wouldnt mind because I am secure in his feelings for me. Try not to let it bother you (though you seem very mature about it) and I think he feels the need to reconnect because they were good friends for so long and she was a big part of his life. I have friends that are like that I would love to reconnect with if given the chance.

[Gingerlyme]

Thanks guys, I'm surprised both of you feel like he just misses the friendship and is not a risky move for us.
I'm glad I asked so I can get a opinion outside my own from fellow LDR folks
I still have my reservations on it, just the uneasiness that washes over me when he opens his week's availability outside work priority to her schedule and is very accommodating when she can't make it or blows him off.

I guess that's just fear speaking maybe, with the old love and all. But I know you guys are right that he misses her friendship. Maybe I'm overreacting on it a little

[BlueCat]

This is such a difficult thing and in my opinion the friends with opposite sex situation is hugely different depending on each set of circumstances.

For example, if I suddenly started catching up with someone who used to be a huge crush of mine that I hadn't seen in a few years and wanted to catch up with regularly, my SO would probably be worried about it.
Having said that, I have a male friend that I used to go on monthly camping trips with (we were volunteering on some research so I suppose it's a little different) but the research has since ended and every now and then, we catch up for walks by ourselves and we might go on one or two camping trips a year by ourselves. Because the whole thing stemmed from mutual interest in the research etc and we've become friends and there's never been any romantic interest, my SO is completely fine with it (that's me going away for two nights, camping with a male friend, most awesome SO ever!). If I wanted to catch up with a former crush, it might be a different story.

All I'm saying is, there's not one fit for every situation when it comes to relationships like these. Use you're best judgement, ultimately the question is whether you trust him or not. If so, then let him go, don't bother him about it but just ask him if he had a nice time etc. If you are concerned about it, be open about your concerns but without seeming needy/possesive. If it helps, lay some ground rules, eg. any time that I head out with my male friend for a walk, I let my SO know before hand, and if he asks me along on a camping trip, I always double check with my SO first to see if it's ok, even though he says I don't have it. So if it concerns you, you could simply ask him to make sure he lets you know when you're going to be catching up with her, otherwise if you don't find out until after it can make you paranoid that they're hiding it from you etc.

[Gingerlyme]

This is such a difficult thing and in my opinion the friends with opposite sex situation is hugely different depending on each set of circumstances.

For example, if I suddenly started catching up with someone who used to be a huge crush of mine that I hadn't seen in a few years and wanted to catch up with regularly, my SO would probably be worried about it.
Having said that, I have a male friend that I used to go on monthly camping trips with (we were volunteering on some research so I suppose it's a little different) but the research has since ended and every now and then, we catch up for walks by ourselves and we might go on one or two camping trips a year by ourselves. Because the whole thing stemmed from mutual interest in the research etc and we've become friends and there's never been any romantic interest, my SO is completely fine with it (that's me going away for two nights, camping with a male friend, most awesome SO ever!). If I wanted to catch up with a former crush, it might be a different story.

All I'm saying is, there's not one fit for every situation when it comes to relationships like these. Use you're best judgement, ultimately the question is whether you trust him or not. If so, then let him go, don't bother him about it but just ask him if he had a nice time etc. If you are concerned about it, be open about your concerns but without seeming needy/possesive. If it helps, lay some ground rules, eg. any time that I head out with my male friend for a walk, I let my SO know before hand, and if he asks me along on a camping trip, I always double check with my SO first to see if it's ok, even though he says I don't have it. So if it concerns you, you could simply ask him to make sure he lets you know when you're going to be catching up with her, otherwise if you don't find out until after it can make you paranoid that they're hiding it from you etc.

thats a keeper! you must be so happy to have a SO that is so understanding!
Yea, we agreed on whenever he sees her privately he would just give me a heads up so it doesn't look or sound suspicious. she will also do the same with her boyfriend which i think is a good idea as well. thanks hon!

[differentcountries]

I would think it was very odd if SO felt the need to inform me especially if he saw an ex or former crush, unless of course that is a "you know what i did today" type information given about all friends. Or else it just becomes like "oh, this situation is so dangerous for our relationships, unless we have other people know, who knows what may happen". But yes, if you inform about all your friendships but doesn't bring your ex-crush up, it sounds suspicious - unless, of course, the other person don't really want to know.

I saw my sort of ex on and off untill his businiss broke down in June, I even went to a party were he was present in December (where he fished for my attention and I thought he was being very childish) and I told SO none of it simply because whenever I bring my ex up, SO becomes jealous. Last time I saw him was before summer, where I payed some money I owed him and we exchanged a hug. My deciton for myself now is that I will not see him for a while or possably ever, because there is to much history and also I think he has a crush on me still, and us as friends have the same flaws as us as romantic partners. We used to meet over sport but I have other people to do that with. I honor whatever SO has told me directly or indirectly, and I also honor his wish to not discuss my ex at this point. He used to be afraid I was not over my ex, and I had a bit of explaining to do to convince him that my feelings for my ex over a long time burned out (because among other things he was not commited), and that I was completely over him several months before meeting SO. If I was to tell SO that I see my ex every now and then, I don't think he would understand why. And frankly no longer do I, which is why I will not.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I personally would worry if my SO didn't tell me about him running into an ex simply because I'd think maybe he was hiding something. I also think it would be best for the OP to know when they are meeting up because if OP found out later on it would be a similar "I wonder what he's hiding" type of feeling.

Also for general comfort so that they know what's going on.

I was actually in a similarish situation. I went to a public game at the school I used to attend. A guy whom I had told my SO about was there and so I immediately informed my SO. That way he would know exactly what was going on in case something happened The guy ended up kissing me to which I kneed him in a no no pleace. But my SO didn't get mad because he was previously aware of the situation.

Letting your SO be aware of any grey area situations can help to build trust in a relationship.

[Gingerlyme]

I would think it was very odd if SO felt the need to inform me especially if he saw an ex or former crush, unless of course that is a "you know what i did today" type information given about all friends. Or else it just becomes like "oh, this situation is so dangerous for our relationships, unless we have other people know, who knows what may happen". But yes, if you inform about all your friendships but doesn't bring your ex-crush up, it sounds suspicious - unless, of course, the other person don't really want to know.

I saw my sort of ex on and off untill his businiss broke down in June, I even went to a party were he was present in December (where he fished for my attention and I thought he was being very childish) and I told SO none of it simply because whenever I bring my ex up, SO becomes jealous. Last time I saw him was before summer, where I payed some money I owed him and we exchanged a hug. My deciton for myself now is that I will not see him for a while or possably ever, because there is to much history and also I think he has a crush on me still, and us as friends have the same flaws as us as romantic partners. We used to meet over sport but I have other people to do that with. I honor whatever SO has told me directly or indirectly, and I also honor his wish to not discuss my ex at this point. He used to be afraid I was not over my ex, and I had a bit of explaining to do to convince him that my feelings for my ex over a long time burned out (because among other things he was not commited), and that I was completely over him several months before meeting SO. If I was to tell SO that I see my ex every now and then, I don't think he would understand why. And frankly no longer do I, which is why I will not.

I have expressed my fears and doubts with this meet-up with his former crush who he loves and yea if he didnt tell me about the meet-ups, the doubts would creep up thinking he is trying to hide it from me. I am completely fine with one on ones with female friends but this is a very peculiar situation. He had to leave the entire group for 2years to forget his feelings for her, i don't think that he would start having feelings again but i just need reassurance knowing when he sees her. i hope that makes sense

I personally would worry if my SO didn't tell me about him running into an ex simply because I'd think maybe he was hiding something. I also think it would be best for the OP to know when they are meeting up because if OP found out later on it would be a similar "I wonder what he's hiding" type of feeling.

Also for general comfort so that they know what's going on.

I was actually in a similarish situation. I went to a public game at the school I used to attend. A guy whom I had told my SO about was there and so I immediately informed my SO. That way he would know exactly what was going on in case something happened The guy ended up kissing me to which I kneed him in a no no pleace. But my SO didn't get mad because he was previously aware of the situation.

Letting your SO be aware of any grey area situations can help to build trust in a relationship.

I feel the same way. I just want to avoid the "he's hiding something" feeling since it might become a little dodgy and i dont want to put our relationship in that situation. She is the only person i would feel uncomfortable with him hanging out one on one just because of their intense history. I also don't want him to seem like the clingy ex-crush that wouldnt seem to let her go, it is just not a good look. I accepted the fact that she and the group is family to him and will always be in his life, but i would prevent unnecessary conflicts or misunderstanding if i can..

[differentcountries]

I have expressed my fears and doubts with this meet-up with his former crush who he loves and yea if he didnt tell me about the meet-ups, the doubts would creep up thinking he is trying to hide it from me. I am completely fine with one on ones with female friends but this is a very peculiar situation. He had to leave the entire group for 2years to forget his feelings for her, i don't think that he would start having feelings again but i just need reassurance knowing when he sees her. i hope that makes sense

I agree it is a peculiar situation and obviously he had strong feelings for her in the past. Perhaps you can discuss how he can reassure you with the doubts you are having.