Do I step in?

[Lost confused]

Ok firstly, I want to say thanks for your advice on my last thread it helped a lot.

Ok this isn't a new issue it's been ongoing.
I met my SO on online. Before he met me, he caught up with this on this other girl. He wasn't interested but said he was happy to be friends. Anyway it's SO obvious that she likes him...she's having drama with her bf and confides in him. My SO is such a gentle soul that he can't say no, so he listens and provides advice. She lives 60 minutes from him (which I hate) and is always trying to pull coffee dates with him. She calls him her best friend and tags him in all these cute almost romantic memes. I've ignored it as I know she can do all that, but I'm with him not her, plus jealousy being in an LDR might make things harder. He always reassures me saying I'm his and he loves me, I trust him, I just don't trust her.

Things died down and that made life better. When I saw him 2 weeks ago after a day he tagged us out. 2 seconds later she's had a melt down and texts him crying. I'm thinking she pulled it as a stunt to get his attention and I went off to read while he text her. When he came back he apologised and told me her bf walked out on her etc....I pretended to care and said sounds like she needs her girlfriends right now and left it at that.
Well her bf is now her ex and I've noticed a lot more that my SO is getting tagged in things. She's wanting to go pub crawling, dinners and road trips. She tags people who are in couples then him. It's like she's trying to instigate situations where she'd be coupled up with him.

I casually brought it up to my SO to which he said he'd never do anything to jeopardise us and he doesn't have many friends anymore as lots moved away after college. I mean I don't want to be the gf who says who he can and can't hang out with, and I trust him but she really unsettles me. I didn't sleep that night he went out to dinner with them all, he texted me constantly during the dinner so I knew he was reassuring me as I have told him flat out that I don't like her, she's a user always making excuses so he pays when they catch up. Anyway he called me that night once he was home and we spoke till we both fell asleep. Then the next day on Facebook (curse Facebook) the photos appear. She took so many with him that someone posted "sexy couple" on one. Of course her arms always around him or she's got her face right next to his.....ugh. My heart broke when I read that comment. I resisted the urge to post on it myself.... Sometimes taking the higher road really does suck!

I told him it looks like he had a nice night from the photos, to which he apologised for the comment her friend wrote. Gosh my SO, apologising for something someone else wrote. He asked if I was ok, to which I was honest and said I was hurt seeing the comment, he then contacted her and she removed the comment.

Anyway, she's still tagging him in things everyday all these best friends memes but he never comments or likes them. She's still apparently having "issues" as when I'm talking to my SO, I hear his phone ding. I said is it her? He tells me, then tells me what her issue is. Personally I think she's making it up to monopolise his time.
Anyway yesterday my SO posts on fb- "So bored, gonna go see a movie. can anyone recommend anything?"
About 3 people replied with suggestions of movies and what not, I was about to suggest we watch a Netflix movie together, so I go to post that and....surprise surprise she's posted. She wrote "what cinema?" He replied with the suburb. Then she wrote "that's near me, you should come over. I've got a big bucket of Ben N Jerrys, tonnes of movies you can just stay here the night" and inserted the winky face.

So by then I was seeing red.....if that's not a blatant attempt to get him, I don't know what is. So I messaged him asking if we could Skype. He replied saying "I can't now I'm out" I replied back "you better not be with her" to which he replied "no I'm out with Dave (his mate) i wouldn't go there I know you don't like her, I love you" later he text me apologising that she posted that and took what she wrote down.

This girl, is going too far, I've talked to my SO about it and he said she knows how's much he loves me. And nothing's ever going to happen and they're just friends. He feels bad because she's going through a rough time right now ( which I don't think is genuine). I know LDR is all about trust but her being so close and doing all this is really getting to me. I talked to him openly (using the I statements telling him how I feel) My SO said she knows they're only friends but I think he just can't see it that she's got hard feelings for him. He confessed his undying love to me and that once the distance is closed we'd start building our life together and making a family, which made me feel so secure!

She posted again saying "Worst day ever (tagged him) get to the coffee shop I need you stat" I was going to message him but decided not to as I feel like if I do that every time she posts stuff he'll think I'm keeping tabs on him and think I don't trust him. Besides, I don't want to be that person. Although the urge is hard to resist.

I'm thinking I should just message this girl! She needs to know this isn't ok behaviour. Staying silent and taking the high ground isn't working. But, if I do, it could cause major backlash. Ugh I'm so torn. I feel as his SO it's my right to say something, I'd make sure it wasn't nasty. But then she could make things worse and turn it into something to turn my SO away from me.

Suggestions?
Opinions?
Similar experiences?
What do I do? I feel if I do nothing this will just continue and escalate more.
Thanks for reading, sorry I know it's long

[BlueCat]

I have read all you wrote, however I'm afraid I don't have a lot to suggest. It certainly does sound like she's out to get him. The only way I see it stopping is your SO telling her flat out that it just isn't going to happen.

Otherwise, if you wanted to bring it up to her personally, I would talk to your SO about it. If you do it behind his back, then yes it could blow up in your face, however maybe ask him about it, give him an idea of what you would say (keep it calm and on the higher ground, no petty stuff) and see how it goes.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.

[Lost confused]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply

[Redheart14]

Oh gosh! I feel so terrible for you! This lady certainly seems like she is trying to sink her claws into your man. You've done so well taking the high road, I admire the strength that would have required. I don't how I would be in that situation. Your SO seems dedicated to you, despite all her failed attempts to win him, so take comfort in that! I'm here if you ever want to chat! I think maybe just leave it as it is, as hard as it is. If she posts something like the movie thing again then you need to put your foot down and tell your SO you're not going to put up with her saying things like that again and he needs to address it when he deletes her next series of comments!

[rubydissolution]

Does he ever tell her himself that the things she posts are not appropriate? Or does he simply delete them and go about business? I think he, NOT you needs to sit down with her and tell her if you don't stop we won't be friends. She's crossing lines and he needs to make it clear to her. If she doesn't stop they need to cut contact.

Being BFFs is one thing but she clearly wants more.

[Hollandia]

I was posting about this in another thread. My brother is a married man with four kids and went to a college football game with some guys and ran into an old college GF. They all hung out as friends the first night, then he and her caught up the next night. He thought it completely innocent and agreed to stay in touch as friends and went home to his family.

Let's fast forward about six months later. She texts him daily. She tells him he would be much happy and wealthier if he never married my sister in law. She recently sent him a naked picture of herself. He still takes her texts. He told his wife he hurt her years ago when they dated and she has a miserable life so he does not want to hurt her more. My sister is a wreck. She loves and trusts my brother but this is now daily! She got a hold of my brothers phone, in front of him, and told the women to leave her husband alone or she would kill her, yes, I did warn her about saying those words, and her whole life is upside down because of this person.

My brother needs to love the mother of his children enough to hurt the other women's feelings and see that right now he is hurting his own wife more.

Does your SO understand how badly this is hurting you? Does he understand no matter how many time he tells this other women they are just friends, as my brother does, that she still believes that can be changed because of his, and my brother's, continued connection?

Men and women can be friends for sure, I have a male friend, and my SO has female friends, but when we were apart we did not ever allow any crossing of any personal lines that never of us would have been comfortable with. You really need to nip this before it gets any worse.

[differentcountries]

If you are comfortable being that woman who tells another woman to get lost, without even checking with him first, be my guest. Some guys are even into that, they feel valued. To others, and especially since she has not done anything that is clearly crossing the border, it might work better to act a little innocent, like What do you think she means by that. Or if she has problems take part in them, like a joint effort. Don't be the one to cause drama if your SO is non-confrontational. Pick the one thing that is to you crossing the line and be firm about it. For instance, her breaking into your time with him. He is probably starting to get fed up with her himself, be aware of this and use it, he is already drawing certain lines and it is not unlikely he will be into drawing some more.

[Moon]

This isn't up to you, it's up to him to do. He needs to let her know that she's crossing a line which is affecting his relationship with you, and if she can't pull back and behave strictly platonically, he'll have to end the friendship. That's not advice I'd usually give, but she clearly wants more out of him than just friendship. She's his friend, he has to be the one to do it, if you do you'll just come off looking like some crazy, jealous bitch, which is what I'm sure she'll tell everybody. Explain this to him, and let him know it's not really optional, he needs to take care of this for the sake of your relationship.

[lilspitfire]

I agree with Moon, Hollandia, and Redheart. Definitely something your boyfriend needs to address whether he is a gentle soul or not. It's hurting you. You're the priority, not her.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Ugh, sorry you're dealing with this.
To be clear, this is absolutely a situation where it makes sense to want to limit their contact/etc. There aren't a lot of instances that I think it's reasonable to expect an SO to change behavior with a female friend, but this is certainly one of them.

That said, I think *he* has to do it, not you. She puts her arm around him for a photo, he needs to not put his arm around her, or shrug it off. He needs to tell her the flirting is inappropriate, that asking him to watch a movie and stay the night is inappropriate and that she's being disrespectful to him and you, and your relationship.

Now, whether he's going to DO this.. that depends on how confrontational of a person he is, but you should absolutely have that discussion with him.

2 seconds later she's had a melt down and texts him crying. I'm thinking she pulled it as a stunt to get his attention and I went off to read while he text her.

Was this a long text exchange? Not answering her texts right away (especially when he's out with you) is one way to start hinting to her to go elsewhere. Or, he can reply with "that sounds really tough, I'm so sorry. I'm out with my girlfriend right now, but I'd be happy to listen later when I'm free."

I resisted the urge to post on it myself....

This is kind of weird advice, but.. you could go the opposite way. I've done that before a few times.. started posting and commenting on stuff when a girl was getting a little too flirty with my SO, but commenting nice/funny things. Most girls if they're trying to get someone else's guy don't like it, because it reminds them you're there, and it starts forming some connection, so they back off a bit/stop, or they just end up forming a friendship with you and then the guy is probably off-limits more in their head anyway.
The crucial part is that you have to keep it friendly, like you're just enjoying the pics/statuses/whatever, and preferably honest. "Wow, looks like a fun night! Can't wait to be there for the next one " or on the funny/romantic tagged mems "Hehe, so true! This totally reminds me of me and (SO)." And even in totally unrelated-to-your-SO ones, just commenting to keep your presence known. "That cake you made looks delicious! Mind sending me the recipe?"

About 3 people replied with suggestions of movies and what not, I was about to suggest we watch a Netflix movie together, so I go to post that and....surprise surprise she's posted. She wrote "what cinema?" He replied with the suburb. Then she wrote "that's near me, you should come over. I've got a big bucket of Ben N Jerrys, tonnes of movies you can just stay here the night" and inserted the winky face.

Yep, really not okay. He needs to flat out tell her that stuff makes him uncomfortable, and is disrespectful to his relationship.

This girl, is going too far, I've talked to my SO about it and he said she knows how's much he loves me. And nothing's ever going to happen and they're just friends. He feels bad because she's going through a rough time right now ( which I don't think is genuine).

I understand that he wants to be there for her, but he absolutely needs to create some space and some ground rules with this girl.

Personally, I would talk to him about him doing that, before you get involved/message her. I don't think you should just do it out of the blue, because you could put your SO in a bad position. Likely the girl will go to him complaining about it, and he'll need to defend you while also possibly being upset about all the drama going on between someone he thinks is a good friend (even though she's not acting like one) and his girlfriend.

You could, however, in the course of your discussion with him, mention you had thought about messaging her and see how he feels about it.

But yeah. Bottom line, he needs to put his foot down. This girl is NOT just being friendly, and he shouldn't be at her beck and call running to her side.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Moon said it shorter and better. Listen to her. :P

[Moon]

This is kind of weird advice, but.. you could go the opposite way. I've done that before a few times.. started posting and commenting on stuff when a girl was getting a little too flirty with my SO, but commenting nice/funny things. Most girls if they're trying to get someone else's guy don't like it, because it reminds them you're there, and it starts forming some connection, so they back off a bit/stop, or they just end up forming a friendship with you and then the guy is probably off-limits more in their head anyway.
The crucial part is that you have to keep it friendly, like you're just enjoying the pics/statuses/whatever, and preferably honest. "Wow, looks like a fun night! Can't wait to be there for the next one " or on the funny/romantic tagged mems "Hehe, so true! This totally reminds me of me and (SO)." And even in totally unrelated-to-your-SO ones, just commenting to keep your presence known. "That cake you made looks delicious! Mind sending me the recipe?"

I really like this idea! This definitely keeps you in the picture, and passively reminds that chick that YOUR boyfriend is taken every time she posts something. Oh, and she'll be annoyed as hell

[lilspitfire]

Agreed with moon and silver. Definitely a way to kind of get back at her and keep your dignity AND not really cause any drama. You're allowed to post and you're not saying anything bad.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I really like this idea! This definitely keeps you in the picture, and passively reminds that chick that YOUR boyfriend is taken every time she posts something. Oh, and she'll be annoyed as hell

Exxxxactly. :P
It usually sours them on wanting to keep posting that stuff, because then they get this little reminder that the person has a girlfriend, and it isn't her. Girls who are trying to get a taken guy realllly don't like being reminded that there's a girlfriend in the picture, and being friendly and nice while constantly making your presence known is the best reminder. Sometimes, these girls back down when "challenged" a bit in that sense, when the girlfriend clearly (but in a friendly way) asserts her presence.

Agreed with moon and silver. Definitely a way to kind of get back at her and keep your dignity AND not really cause any drama. You're allowed to post and you're not saying anything bad.

Yup. It's very low drama but also gets the point across. She won't be able to turn that into saying that his friend's girlfriend is being a jealous bitch, because what is she going to say to her friends? "UGH, John's stupid girlfriend asked me for my cake recipe AND said she liked my blue shirt." Her friends will be like "...So?"

[Lost confused]

Thanks heaps for the advice, good to know others here agree with me.

I think Redheart you're right, I need to wait until she does something else (which she will) so I don't bring it up out of the blue and look like a crazy gf! Thanks for the compliment the strength required to take the high road drains me significantly.

Hollandia- that's terrible about what's happening to your sister in law. Is the problem sorted now? At least she hasn't sent my SO pictures like that......that I know of anyway.

Moon- yup, if I come across as crazy she gets exactly what she wants, so I'm not going to let that happen! So glad I found this place.

Silvermoonfairy3- maybe I should post. Although I'm worried if she said something else, I'd find it hard, but I could then tell my SO to look at her response and he'll have to address things with her....Yet again! The exchanges aren't long, if I had sat there, it might have been. Once I walked off he was about 5 mins then came back.

I don't want to have to make him choose, but if this continues I think I'll have to.