Trust

[mynameiseric]

I've been dating my girlfriend Amanda for a little over 3 months now and its a LDR, and im the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. but I have a problem, well a huge problem. One of her best friends is a guy, which isn't a big deal at all. but..and here come the kickers. they are neighbors (their houses are literally connected) so they are with each other allllll the time. and if it was just that, it wouldn't be as big of an issue. But the thing is, they have a sexual past, and amanda at one point had strong feelings for him. In the beginning of our relationship they still flirted, which has stopped, and also in the beginning, during one time when we were skyping, he unclipped her bra. Its very hard for me to trust the situation, even though I do trust amanda. and she has basically told me I just need to suck it up because they arent going to stop hanging out because they are ONLY friends. But why would you flirt with another guy while you're dating someone? and with my trust issues of my past, its a lot harder for me to trust then other people. How do I trust? What do I do? please post suggestions and opinions!

[paulawriteslove]

she has basically told me I just need to suck it up because they arent going to stop hanging out because they are ONLY friends.

This part really bothers me. Your girlfriend should be listening to your feelings. But most importantly she should be comforting your feelings. She should be making sure that you're okay with this and not making you deal with it. I think you should tell her exactly what is bothering you. But most importantly, I think that you should think of a solution that would make you feel comfortable and that she could deal with. Best of luck!

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm with Paula. You shouldn't have to suck ANYTHING up. Relationships are about compromises and working together to ensure both of you trust each other. If they have a sexual past, that makes him an ex and hanging out with ex's is pretty much a no-no, even talking to them regularly. Yes she can't help the living situation but there IS a difference between physical distance and emotional distance. She needs to apply tons of the latter to this guy. I don't ever buy the "we're only friends" line because you're acknowledging, to me, the possibility that there's more when someone points it out.

[MoonWatcher]

I agree with Paula. It's fine to have close guy friends. Most of my friends are guys, and I've had to have a serious talk about it with my boyfriend (I volunteered the subject). But I also don't live anywhere near them, and certainly don't have a history with them. The fact that she's not being very sensitive to your needs is concerning. Also, everyone kinda knows that especially in an LDR, trust can be the biggest issue. The need to tread carefully is legitimate.
I would say talk to her, in a non-accusatory way; about how you feel, what specific things make you uncomfortable, what would make you more comfortable (use a lot of 'I's, not 'you's) and also just ask her to put herself in your place. Be heard, but really listen to what she has to say, and be ready to compromise.
That's the best advice I can give. Good luck!

[Karringtyn]

hmmm...you have to "suck it up?!" That bothers me too. I am all for trusting..building trust takes time..and well...hmmmm...I would be as honest and open as you can...and realize that it is OK to trust...and allow yourself to be cared for...I too have trust issues...and for me and my SO...it has taken many months of me being honest and open...and not hiding anything....

[Rane]

Wow. Like, just wow. Seriously, there's a limit between friends IMO. And if she isn't comfortable with that limit, then she shouldn't be in a relationship. At least, that's how I feel about it.

Also, major o.O face at him coming up and unclipping her bra while you were skyping. Wonder how much he does that when you aren't skyping? I would so not be as cool with any of this as you're being. No one deserves to be disrespected like she's disrespecting you IMO.

[maja]

hm well my best friend is a guy and we are really close and people sometimes thought him and i were a couple simply cos were so amazingly close and see each other everyday and stuff like that, and of course my boyfriend didnt like that AT ALL but when he got to know my best friend he realised what a strong supporter my best friend of our relationship is and they kinda became friends even and the subject never came up again...
It is a weird of her to tell u to suck itt up, but maybe she right now only seees it from her point of view in which of course ur being "annoying" by expressing your worries.
I dont know what advice to give you, butt i wouldnt worry toooo much and try talking to her again..

[mynameiseric]

let me say this first...Amanda is an absolute amazing girlfriend, and she makes me happier every single day. So I dont want everyone to get the wrong idea, she is a great girl and I am very lucky to have her. And I deffinitely dont make this easy for her because I deal with issues with sarcasm and jokes which is NOT the way to handle it. I just need to find a way to understand that they are ONLY friends and that shes not doing anything to hurt me because I firmly believe that. I have no problem with them hanging out as just friends, it just makes me really uncomfortable with the past they have, and because I really really don't like the guy. I want to get to the point to where I have no problem with them hanging out, because for the next year Amanda and I are going to be long distance and im going to have to find a way to deal with it, I just have nooo idea how. a big thing I need to do, which we again talked about last night, is build my trust. Like amanda said, if I keep looking in the past, im never going to trust her. and that goes for my past as well, so we both need to take each other as we are now, and move forward. I just didnt want everyone to get the wrong idea, because I really do love her with all my heart and I know im going to spend the rest of my life with this girl, I just need some help in dealing with this problem because we do talk about it a lot, wayyyyy more then we should

[annamorgan]

Friends don't have sex with friends. Period. Because if they do, there's obviously a little bit more there than just friendship. It worries me that they're still close. Just look at the future though, not the past, if nothing is happening between them now, then try not to worry too hard.

[P1nkL3m0n4d3]

I agree with the other posts.... When my SO is worried about other people and me, I am willing to do anything to show him that he is the only one for me, including even giving up my friendships ( which is drastic and he doesn't like) but point being she should at least try to help the situation In some way!

[annamorgan]

I agree with the other posts.... When my SO is worried about other people and me, I am willing to do anything to show him that he is the only one for me, including even giving up my friendships ( which is drastic and he doesn't like) but point being she should at least try to help the situation In some way!

I agree, I would do the same thing/have done the same thing.

[Miranda]

my boyfriend was my friend when we first started hanging out...
I remember when he would tell me that he had female friends that were 'friends with benefits' back in his old town, in which he has now relocated to. He has a close female friend whom he knows for quite some time and I dont know if they have been intimate, however, if they have-THATS ON HIM.
As far as I am concerned, I work very hard at keeping 'us' together, therefore, its not my worry what he's doing, rather than he should consider who is approaching me. Im not interested in anyone else, but he doent have a clue as to how many times that Im hit on since he left. Its annoying as hell. I almost get mad at HIM when it does happen.
Im not worried about his female friends...he has more to worry about than I do.

[LadyMarchHare]

my boyfriend was my friend when we first started hanging out...
I remember when he would tell me that he had female friends that were 'friends with benefits' back in his old town, in which he has now relocated to. He has a close female friend whom he knows for quite some time and I dont know if they have been intimate, however, if they have-THATS ON HIM.
As far as I am concerned, I work very hard at keeping 'us' together, therefore, its not my worry what he's doing, rather than he should consider who is approaching me. Im not interested in anyone else, but he doent have a clue as to how many times that Im hit on since he left. Its annoying as hell. I almost get mad at HIM when it does happen.
Im not worried about his female friends...he has more to worry about than I do.

I shouldn't laugh, but I agree. I've gotten hit on so many times since our relationship began and I get frustrated that he isn't here to be the jealous boyfriend because really it grosses me out because all of them are creepers. I know he gets hit on, I know he's had some gay guy friend try and do stuff to him when the friend was drunk, but I don't really care as I do my part, he has to do his.

[mynameiseric]

well the last thing I want her to do is to STOP hanging out with him...he's a good friend, and he means a lot to her. as much as any guy wishes he could be the only man in his girl's life, its not realistic nor healthy for the girl. I just want her happy, and if it means having a guy friend whom I am not comfortable with, as long as they are JUST friends and nothing is going on, im okay with that. its just going to take me a while...even though its already been almost 4 months, Im just ready to stop the fighting and argueing over something stupid, and to have our relationship be what it HAS been in the past, which is the best thing thats ever happend to me thanks to any and all comments, I read and appreciate them all

[Zephii]

I get where you're comming from and went through something similar with Obi. And what I'm seeing here is disrespect. She needs to respect you enough to put boundaries in place and hold them there, she needs to realise what is out of line and be strong enough to say it. Him unclipping her bra on skype tells me that he doesn't respect you or like you, and that she's giving him a certain amount of social power by not speaking up.
The biggest problem with remining friends with an ex is that it's hard to reestablish the boundaries that were there prior to their relationship. Intimacy comes easier, like an old habbit. Neither of them might relise that something they are doing is out of line. For example, one of Obi's old bed buddies continued flirting with him right up until the begining of this year. Their friendship started as a fling, so there had always been a lot of flirting and sexual pressure, especially after Obi and I became exclusive but before I got my arse to Canada. Obi stopped flirting back, but it took me flying off my handle for him to see that letting this other person flirt with him constantly was inapropreate. It was just how she'd always spoken to him, so he didn't clue on that something was amiss.

So, if you see something that isn't ok, say something. You have the right to. You can't choose her friends, but you can, to some extent, limit what she does with them. (As long as you do so gently, respectfully and not in a controlling manner, and know that she can limit you in return.)

It's never too late to say "I'm not ok with this, can we find a better solution?" Don't feel like you're changing the rules halfway through.
To help you feel more comfortable? Well, that just takes time, unfortunatly. Remind yourself of all the reasons she is with you and not him, and that will probably help a little.