LDR cheated when drunk

[RachelS]

I've been with my LDR boyfriend for 5 years, we met LD but traveled and
Moved in with each other, less than two years later he traveled abroad for work but I'm unable to stay due to visa. He's been out there 2 years but have not seen each other in almost a year, when we do it's a rollercoster but always filled with such love and the happiest times of my life. This man makes me feel alive!

I love this man with all my heart and is so stressed out with work he found our relationship hard to think about. He recently got very drunk and slept with another girl which he has no feelings for and doesn't even know why he did it. Leading upto it he was in a deep depression I could not shake and was getting distant, I know he stilled loved me but was under so much pressure with work he blocked the world out to be able to cope with what he had to deal with. I've tried my best to save him before it all happened. He told me honestly what happened, stupidly drunk and a big mistake and is so distraught. I'm so upset, angry, this was the man I was going to marry and have a family.
I feel in my heart I still love him and he is broken up about it with such guilt and remorse, I'm still heartbroken and it hurts so much for this to have happened to me that someone I thought loved me so deeply would drunkly loose control.

Is anyone else in this situation? And if you love someone that much can you ever forgive and forget? that if it was a genuine mistake and he makes it upto me, could I wait that bit longer

Thank you for listening.
Rach x

[differentcountries]

Don't try to save him. If he wants salvation, he can find it for himself. You are not his psyciatrist, so don't speak like you are responsable to make his depression go away. If you decide you will forgive him the drunken sex, that is one thing, but I guess he is still depressed and you can't exactly drag him to a doctor LD, so that much he has to do for himself if he wants to get better.

[RachelS]

I've left the ball in his court. I'm so heart broken about it, but he's trying hard to make up for it. But I don't know what could happen to make me forgive and forget when there is such a distance between us.

[R&R]

In my opinion, being drunk is not an excuse. He still made a conscious choice. I'm not one who could forgive that, no matter the circumstances. That is the ultimate betrayal of trust and trust is the foundation of a relationship.

Some people are able to survive it and grow stronger in their relationship. My best friend had it happen (CD relationship, not a drunk night but her husband actually moved out & lived with the other woman and then came back). I still want to through him over a cliff but they have gotten past it and are doing very well. Only you can decide if it's something you can get past.

[differentcountries]

Is there any way you can get a tourist visa /ticket soon and actually go see him? That he will pay for, of course.

[Redheart14]

Trust is the key to any relationship even a LDR. He broke that by sleeping with someone else. I agree don't put up with that, move on. You tried to help him but it didn't work.

[RachelS]

I'm going to see him in a few months, it is the ultimate betrayal and I'm so broken up about it, but I won't know my true feelings till I see him. Until then I have this time to try and work out how I feel in my head. A friend of mine gf cheated and he found it in his heart to forgive and now happily married. But LD is a different situation.

[Redheart14]

Best of luck.

[R&R]

But LD is a different situation.

LD isn't a different situation - you just have to wait longer to deal with it in person. Cheating is cheating whether you live in the same house or in different countries. Don't let LD be an excuse for the behavior. You are in the relationship and haven't gone out and cheated because you had too much to drink.

[RachelS]

LD isn't a different situation - you just have to wait longer to deal with it in person. Cheating is cheating whether you live in the same house or in different countries. Don't let LD be an excuse for the behavior. You are in the relationship and haven't gone out and cheated because you had too much to drink.

I know . My head is fighting with this every day. I am faithful and will always be true. I know it's my decision and I don't know how I will feel other than heartbreak right now. I suppose it will just take that little longer to work it out.
I have given so much to try and be out the many years fighting for a visa. He told me recently he would marry me. I'm going to see his family soon as they are a big part of my life. Only a few know this situation and have not let on what's happening. It's eating away at me.

[R&R]

It's hard, I know. The reason I am so adamant is because I have been cheated on and I took him back. It was hard but we'd been together for a couple of years and I'd been there for him when he was in the military and then supported him when he decided to go back to college. His work took him all over the country and I'd go see him everywhere - TX, VA, CA, HI, PA and more. I had a lot invested so I forgave. He cheated again and got the girl pregnant. Ever since that, I will never take someone back who cheats on me.

[Ahava]

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.
I can't begin to imagine how much it must hurt.

I too will have to agree that been drunk is no excuse. I could maybe understand and forgive a drunken kiss, but even that is cheating.

Take care and good luck with what ever you decide to do

[Hollandia]

In order for things to have "worked", he had to had some sexual feelings for her. I don't think, I was drunk or depressed is a good excuse. I have managed to be depressed and drunk and not cheat on my SO. He also was not falling down drunk or again it not have been possible. This is no different if he did it sober as a judge and happy as a clam. He cheated. Will he do it again in same circumstances? Did he cut all ties with woman? How would he felt if you did same thing? He needs to acknowledge what did fully with disregard to the booze and admit he wanted her sexually and broke his commitment to you without thinking about your feelings. In short, he put his d#ck first.

[RachelS]

He has taken everything I've thrown at him and I've been angry! Very few people know so it's all been directed at him and he's taken it all. he's said drink is no excuse and he shouldn't of done it, he's accepted that, he doesn't expect forgiveness but wants to ease some of my pain so has been helping me through it. Contact has been stopped with this girl other than to find out if he's caught something. He's going to stop drinking out to avoid it, and he's 'checking in' With what's going on current.
Personally before I thought I could never forgive a cheater, and would of advised against trying. But my heart leads otherwise. It's not his character and do believe it was a big mistake. Wether I keep him is something I don't know

Thank you all for advise it's good to be able to talk about it

[BlueCat]

I feel I may have something to contribute here, having been someone who has cheated on their SO. If we'd been in a close distance relationship, I honestly don't think it would have happened. I've always been one of those people who saw myself never being able to forgive someone who cheated because I personally thought cheating was very low and could never see any circumstance when I would actually do it. And yet, just over four years ago, I found myself in a situation where I cheated on my SO. I didn't sleep with the guy, but we did a lot of other stuff (one occasion). At the time, I knew with every part of me that it was wrong, but I wasn't able to stop it. I'm almost certain that the only reason I failed to stop it was because having physical touch again was amazing (we'd been apart for about 7 months I think). My only strength was to repeatedly say no to sex, which I'm glad I did, but I still don't understand why it was so hard to say the simple words to stop the whole thing.

Anyway, the next morning after I came back to reality the realisation of what I'd done dawned on me and I spent the next three days panicking. Finally after 3 days I managed to tell my SO. I hadn't been trying to hide it from him and I had no intention of trying to, but I was simply too terrified to do so before that point in time. Needless to say he was heart broken. Almost every conversation for a long time after that was him questioning me, or somewhat yelling at me etc etc. I never fought back, I answered every question and apologised and meant it. Even after we got past the initial stage, the pain still continued for my SO for a long time whenever there were any reminders and things it would bring back all the bad memories.

Firstly, don't blame yourself for his mistake. Secondly, whether the relationship continues or not is up to you. If he came to you willingly shortly after it happened, I'd be inclined to consider continuing the relationship. If you do decide to continue, it will probably be difficult and it won't go away quickly. I'm sure that some couples recover more quickly than others, but I think it's particularly difficult in a LDR's where you have no real contact with your SO. For my SO and I, we both found that we couldn't really begin to move past it properly until we'd had another visit again, so that's something to consider as well.