First ever LDR, with an introvert; struggling for clarity.

[Cityfan]

So another curveball was thrown at me. I just can't catch a break.


She initially told me that she was going to be celebrating a family birthday, and invited me to her town. I obviously said I would love to come to her town, or do NYC as we both had hoped, because after all i did spend $2000 for 4 days with her (I did not emphasize this fact). She stated she would celebrate friday, and come see me saturday and sunday.

Today, she called me and said that they were planning to celebrate the birthday Saturday. She suggested she come to NYC just for one day on Sunday. I obviously would rather see her for a day than not at all.
I suggested coming to her town for a day, then taking a train up to NYC on Sunday, but only if she was comfortable with it and her family was. Her response was "It's really up to you!We're having all the family over and celebrating my grandma's birthday, but it's your call."

I guess I missed the sign of... her being uncomfortable and just not being able to say no, but at the same time she initially invited me to her town in the first place, so I feel like I can be forgiven for not reading between the lines. So I stated I would do whatever she and her family were comfortable with, 1 day is better than none.

At the same time, I feel as though she definitely wants to try to figure it out, because she suggested seeing me for a day...but on the other hand she's spending $50 on a bus ticket, I'm spending $1700 on flight and hotels for us. Money isnt really an issue, as I do fine for myself, but at the same time I work very very hard and $1700 does not grow on trees. I just feel as though she doesn't understand just how much this is taking a toll on me. I care about her greatly, and I know she cares about me, but I feel as though she is either afraid because its getting serious and she's young and inexperienced (I'm 25, she's 22 and finishing college). I feel as though she isnt meeting me halfway or at least part of the way through.

I'd much rather see her for a day than not at all, but I feel as though it just won't be the same. I had a magical weekend planned for us, and I feel as though if we just do a single day together after 2 months apart, it's just not going to be as good.

To make matters worse, she didnt want to discuss it over the phone and preferred to text. She left me in a cliffhanger, saying "I'm falling asleep. We can talk about this tomorrow."

I replied with : "Ultimately, what matters to me is seeing you. If you feel it is more comfortable for you and your family to just come up to see me in NYC on Sunday, then that is absolutely fine and I understand it is an important/difficult step. I am more than happy to see you in NYC on Sunday, I'd pick you up at the Port Authority and we'll spend a day together =) !! If you/your family would like to have me there, I am flattered, and more than happy to as well. Please just let me know what you feel is best for you and I'll work with it."

I guess my question is, am I doing too much, constantly trying to work around her pace and ignoring my inconvenience? I feel like I am jumping through hoops all day, not because she doesnt feel strongly about me, but because she's inexperience and maybe even insecure about being in a relationship. I care about her and want to make it work no matter the struggle, but it is taking a toll on me. I want to talk to her
about it, but at the same time feel it is too early and too risky to discuss "issues with the relationship" after only dating for 4 months and seeing each other twice.


LDR/Relationship experts, please help. I can't catch a break.

[p_b82]

As long as you are willing to spend the cash to do the travelling and do not resent her at all for it, then go up for the day - it sounds to me like she is not really aware of the cost and the hassle for you to do just that, and doesn't seem prepared to meet you half way at all though.

Money isn't everything, but perceived effort to me is a bigger issue - and it would bug me in your position.

I think if it were me I would plan to postpone if you want to spend some more quality time with her than just a day personally, if flights have not already been booked at any rate! It would give you a chance to talk over some of the concerns you have in advance and see if things improve or not before flying back over at considerable expense and time for yourself. IMO it is never too early to talk about issues and concerns if you think they are major ones, sometimes while we love people, they are just not 'right' for us in terms of what we get from the relationship, and working that out now, could save you a lot of heartache down the line later.

[differentcountries]

You might want to tell her that you feel it is better use of the money/ticket if you can come at a time where she is more available. And make actual suggestions for when that can be.

OR you might take this as a challenge, that she really wants to see you so she is cramming you into her scedule, and is letting get to know her family too.

And man...let the money issue go. Is she worth it or is she not? Even let the issue go inside your own head, because it is bugging you and is going to influence how you are with her. Either you spend it and make peace with it, or you don't.

[Cityfan]

You might want to tell her that you feel it is better use of the money/ticket if you can come at a time where she is more available. And make actual suggestions for when that can be.

OR you might take this as a challenge, that she really wants to see you so she is cramming you into her scedule, and is letting get to know her family too.

And man...let the money issue go. Is she worth it or is she not? Even let the issue go inside your own head, because it is bugging you and is going to influence how you are with her. Either you spend it and make peace with it, or you don't.

Im staying positive, and yes, seeing her for one day is better than seeing her for none. November is just around the corner and I was going to ask her to come to m town for my birthday after we meet up in new york.
The money issue...well, I have no issue spending money to make it work...I care about her and thats all that matters. But at the same time, just a bit of meeting me halfway would be great. As for seeing her at a more convenient time...I dont have another 1700 to spend just off the bat. I'd rather make the best of what I can this weekend. It won't be as great, but at least she is making the effort to come see me.

[Cityfan]

As long as you are willing to spend the cash to do the travelling and do not resent her at all for it, then go up for the day - it sounds to me like she is not really aware of the cost and the hassle for you to do just that, and doesn't seem prepared to meet you half way at all though.

Money isn't everything, but perceived effort to me is a bigger issue - and it would bug me in your position.

I think if it were me I would plan to postpone if you want to spend some more quality time with her than just a day personally, if flights have not already been booked at any rate! It would give you a chance to talk over some of the concerns you have in advance and see if things improve or not before flying back over at considerable expense and time for yourself. IMO it is never too early to talk about issues and concerns if you think they are major ones, sometimes while we love people, they are just not 'right' for us in terms of what we get from the relationship, and working that out now, could save you a lot of heartache down the line later.

Yes, like you said, money isn't everything...and perceived effort is what matters. On the one hand, she did say she wants to make it work and would come see me for sunday. To me, that's better than nothing, but obviously a little bit disheartening. I am unable to postpone, because I already post poned once, and would lose $1700 if I try again. Also, I am unfortunately back on my non-weekend days off rotation after that weekend, and it would be another 1.5 months before I could see her. 1 day is better than none.

We are definitely at two slightly different stages, but for her age she is a mature, smart gal. I know she and her parents like me, but I feel as though she is either afraid, or something else.

Honestly, this sucks. I am putting my heart and soul into this. Clearly she is showing some sort of effort, at least suggesting to come up for a day...but it is still frustrating.

[Cityfan]

Now, the nailbiter. I'm waiting for a response from her, and I'm afraid she is either mad, or confused, or anything in between. I don't want last night's conversation to be the end point.
I definitely would rather see her for a day than not at all...and I dont think I will be getting any rest/work done today until we come to a conclusion

[Cityfan]

Well, I received a response. She thinks its best we just spend a day together on that Sunday, she clearly wants to but isnt ready for a family thing, which I completely, wholeheartedly agree with. I feel as though she didnt think it through when she initially invited me, and thats why it all sort of spiraled.

I'm seeing a close friend on saturday, then on sunday we are spending the day together. 1 day with her is much better than another month without her. I definitely feel as though she feels bad about the whole situation, and does want to see me (otherwise she wouldn't have offered to come see me even if for one day). Im giving NYC a slide, and think we will have a great time together, even if for one day.

I intend to invite her to come to my town the following month, for my birthday. Based on her willingness to do that, I'll know where we stand. I genuinely hope she agrees to do so, but in the meantime have to focus on just having a good time with her in NYC.

Thoughts anyone?

[mellif]

Sounds like you guys have a good plan laid out; hope all goes well!

[Cityfan]

Sounds like you guys have a good plan laid out; hope all goes well!

I sure hope so too.im really anxious/nervous because of the hurdles we had to jump through for this upcoming date.a postponement, a curveball, a slight disagreement.im so ready to just see her it and let everything go. I plan to take her ice skating and then her favourite eatery in NYC

[Cityfan]

Something tells me our 'relationship' is over. I sent her a quick hey , how are you? Over 5 hours ago and I haven't gotten a response back.i don't know if she is angry at me for suggesting coming to her town, or if she just left town with her girlfriends. It would just be nice to have a steady flow of communication, I don't really care if she's out and about!!
I can't read her and it downright kills/frustrates me. our last exchange was on Wednesday morning...


Help!

[Redheart14]

Unless you're prepared to call her (and she picks up) I don't think you have a choice but to wait for a response. Seems like things are becoming harder, I feel for you.

[Cityfan]

Redheart,
You are right. I know she wont pick up if I call, just by knowing her for 4 months.
She ended up replying to me that she's been busy with paperwork/work for school all day today.

It's definitely getting really difficult, but Im hoping that it is just a rough patch due to her being overwhelmed with work. I am incredibly anxious and have butterflies about seeing her again.
I think we'll have a good date together, only 2 weeks away.

[Redheart14]

At least you'll know once the 2 weeks is over

[Cityfan]

At least you'll know once the 2 weeks is over

Right. And she seemed genuinely interested in making it work, by the fact that she actually suggested to come up to see me.
I feel as though because she still lives at home she got stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Definitely anxious, excited, nervous, worried.

[Redheart14]

Well at least after the visit you'll know one way or the other.