Getting sick of this

[glasspaper]

Hi guys, it's gonna be somewhat like a rant, but i would really appreciate any feedback from you guys about what i'm goin through now.

I guess that i should've known it from a very long time that he maybe isn't a good one to me.
The dumb fact is, i kept trying to believe him and ignore any possible red flags from the very beginning of our relationship.

Now it has been over 2 years, i feel like getting sick of him letting me down. It seems like he would do things that pisses me off constantly. Sometimes over the same things again and again.

It's now just sound like an old song everytime he explains whats goin on.
I feel like fed up, it hurts so bad that i can't even cry no more.

It would be more than 3 promises that he made to that he gonna come to meet me. One time it would be december, postponed to another few months, then to may, then last time it would be this fall. And its fall already, and none of those promises becomes real.

And i, naively didn't take that as a really problem at all, even when i know he never ever even once explaining of why he couldn't do the promises that he said.
I was still all thinking that i will be patient enough to just waiting for him, no matter when he makes it.

But now, it kinda like i feel a strong feeling of the same repeatedly pattern of him who isn't like a man of his words.

It just like the entirely a big things and small things that seems like goin on the same pattern from his side.

And to make me more on my nerve, yesterday he told me that he will call me when i wake up. And next morning when i woke up, no any call i got.
He went out somewhere and text me that he isn't home. Which is not a first time of him doin the same thing with the same reason.

Now i just feel like giving up, and getting tired. Like i no longer wanna think of any hope that i have been had these last few years. I just feel like i can't trust him no matter how he constantly said that he loves me and all.
I know that he's still there, and i heard everything he said bout how much he wants to make it works and how much he working so hard to see me.

I wish that i could just fully believe it, but now it's too hard to believing.
Anybody have the similar experience?
I don't know if i have to just still give him another chance and keep this relationship goin, or just drop it down cause all of his annoying behaviour

[Redheart14]

I'm sorry to hear this. Continually postponing trips with no explanation is very odd.

[RandomGaymer]

I went through something very similar with my SO. We made plans to meet up for my birthday, she said she'd traveled to where we were supposed to meet, but she didn't show, she said she was too scared, that I would hate her. This had been our 3rd "plan" to meet, but the only time we'd made actual arrangements with a set date and location, the previous times were just her saying she was going to come see me and then the time frame would pass and she'd have some excuse. I was very hurt and almost completely stopped talking to her. But I couldn't. I knew I would never be able to move on until I met her face to face. So I kept talking to her.

Eventually we had 2 or 3 more plans to meet up fall through (again not exact plans but estimated visit time frames). Finally I said I was going to take care of all of the travel arrangements and all she had to do was show up. I paid for her passport, applied and paid for her ESTA (visa waiver) and I bought her tickets. Everyone said I was crazy because they didn't think she'd show. But I needed to meet her to know for sure that she was being honest about how she felt about me. If she didn't show then I was going to get my passport and go to her. Well it's been almost a month since she left here and now I know for sure. She is exactly who she says she is and I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing, loving woman in my life. While she was here she finally explained why all of our other meetups didn't happen. I do not hold any of it against her, I just wish she'd felt comfortable enough to open up to me sooner but at the same time I respect that it was easier for her to do it in person.

We have the same issue with phone calls too. She'll say she's gonna call me "later" and then suddenly she's falling asleep and it gets pushed to "tomorrow" which usually ends up being a few days later. But she has a lot going on, she's almost never alone and when she is it's so late that she should be in bed. I do wish she'd call when she says she's going to but I know how it is, I hate making phone calls when people are around too. If it's ever a matter of me NEEDING to talk to her, she will shut herself in a room somewhere private and call and make sure everything is ok.

[p_b82]

My GF is not very good at the communication thing, she can be quite emotionally selfish when she is feeling down, and I am not around to give her the support (physically not remotely) and will at times vanish for the whole weekend - like the one just passed. It irritates me when she does this, as she never gives me warning, she just goes off and does something, gets home doesn't check her phone and passes out, so I am left wondering what has happened. I am trying to let it bug me less, but I can understand your frustration.

It is difficult, there could be a very valid reason as the poster above has shown as to why things don't work out - but to not have an explanation means you have to trust they are telling you the truth.

It sounds like you are loosing that trust in him - so I would personally not give him an ultimatum, but tell him, how these cancelled plans and how you do not appear to be a priority to him is affecting you, and if he can't change his ways, you need to move on as it isn't working for you.

That might be enough to make him realise he is taking you for granted, or to show you that he is and which way you need to go with the relationship.

[glasspaper]

He indeed doesn't explaining why he couldn't come at those times that he has promised, like he doesn't directly telling me right on the subject. But he did telling me about how his financial situation and his busy work, and i think that maybe his own way to perhaps kind of letting me know that why he couldn't make it, in a pretty indirect way.
So i just been trying to understand it from that. And trying to not asking him about the meet up and stuff, and let him be.
Although he still telling me that he gonna meet me, i feel that i wasn't really buy it as i used to before.

I sometimes too feel maybe i'm just overreacting about his inconsistent behaviour when he told me that he will call, but in fact he never do that.

But, it's just seems too often. And i have told him about how i feel regarding the call thing. He understood and trying to fix things for couple weeks.
But, see? this happened again today.
Not sure if i'm that one who is being too needy or whatsoever.
We barely have a voice call, once a week is even a lucky thing for us. And thats buggin me.

I know i'm pissed off now, still.
I think i maybe just gonna see what he gonna do for the next couple of days to make up this thing. As i don't know what else to say or to do for now.

[RandomGaymer]

My SO didn't even tell me she was having financial troubles until she came here, she was too proud to admit it. It's hard to make a visit happen if you're having financial problems. We had to postpone our second visit due to financial issues, it's just something that happens. As it is I'm wondering if I can get a seasonal job because the budget is gonna be tight even with postponing the visit.

I definitely get your frustration with the calls. We don't do voice calls every week. I hate it, I miss her voice like crazy, and miss the feeling of having her closer. It's something we've discussed many many many times and never seems to improve. But I finally decided that instead of causing us both grief by stressing over the frequency of the calls, I'd start focusing more on making the calls I do get are high quality calls. And instead of focusing on "I didn't get a call _ days this week" I focus more on "with everything going on in her life, I'm glad she took time out to call me when she could."

These things work for me and help me because I KNOW that it's not her blowing me off, I know it's not that I'm not a priority, she's just busy or with people or tired or sick. She places less importance on phone calls than I do but she knows that they are important to me so she makes sure to call me when she can to show me that she does care about meeting my needs. I can see that she's made an effort to make sure she calls me when she can so the frequency doesn't bother me so much anymore. There are however times when I get frustrated when a planned call gets cancelled, but I try to get over it because I know she'll make it up to me when she can.

I'm not saying just accept that he doesn't call you as often as you'd like, I'm saying try to discuss it more and look and see if you can tell if he is putting in the effort. If he isn't, you definitely have the right be upset!

[differentcountries]

He indeed doesn't explaining why he couldn't come at those times that he has promised, like he doesn't directly telling me right on the subject. But he did telling me about how his financial situation and his busy work, and i think that maybe his own way to perhaps kind of letting me know that why he couldn't make it, in a pretty indirect way.

It could be. Of course everyone needs both money and free time to go visit, so that can be a an issue. And it is kind of embarrassing to tell, sorry I don't have enough money and my boss woun't let me have free time.

What you can do, is like some others suggested, to take more charge in the planning of visits. I am with a guy who hates to plan, we ended up planning LOTS because I told him simpy; it is the ONLY way. if I lived in your city or close by, of course we could just let things slide and go, hey, now is a good day to visit! That is not possable with international travelling. You need passport, visa, travel insurance, tickets (the cheap ones usually go first), arrange transfer from airport and so on. I got pretty mad with my boyfriend (we had our first real argument over this). I did not realize that he was never used to plan things with a gf, and also that there was a misunderstanding in that he had two exams, not just one. Also, he held back because he thought maybe he could pay for his trip, haha, I serched high and low for hotel rooms and even those he thought were expensive, and absolutely no way he could afford to pay his own ticket AND what is for him 2-3 months pay. But I don't mind getting that for him. Talking about money can be hard, but important. Same with work, I think you should know by know how things are at his workplace, it is not uncalled for to preassure him a bit on that. It is information you need.

[snow]

You should tell him that he should only promise what he intends to keep. If he continues to break all the promises he makes, how can you ever trust him?

[differentcountries]

It could also be different modes of speaking about what will happen. I tend to make PLANS, as in this will defintely happen come rain come shine whatever SO does are more suggestions and thinking out loud about stuff that would be nice (related to the fact that there is actually lots in his daily life he doesn't control as much as I do my life). Really, as long as there are no tikets booked, it is only a suggestion. And if you guy talks in hints, well you better learn how to listen, especially if you want him to open up more, you must start by noticing what is aleady there.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

To be fair I can speak about what its like on the otherside.

I tried to arrange to visit my SO this past summer. But as things started coming together, other things started falling apart. And it crushed me when in the end I couldn't visit. It sucked. Really sucked. And I didnt want to talk about it because I got upset when I did. Not that my SO minded cause he already kinda knew it wouldnt work out. But it could be that your SO doesnt like talking about it because it is upsetting for him and he doesnt like that he has disappointed you.

[glasspaper]

Guys! Thank you so much for all your great replies and awesome insights.
Yes, i pretty much understand about his financial and work situation that makes the actual meet up seems hard to actually happened.
That being said, i learn to take it all much easier since i know that being too stressed by it just makin it worse myself.

And for the call, he made some progress these last few months that i really appreciate.
This month is a busy month for him, and he has told me about that long day prior. So i also can understand his tiring schedule there.

What still buggin me is just, there were times when i could sense him being really weird about the call.
For instance, he said that he gonna call me, then at the mean time he ended up went out partying with his friends till morning.
I addressed my concern on it to him next day, and he understood then made appologize. Soo from that, i thought that he got my point and everything will be fine then.
He would call me at least twice a week since then. Thats great.

And came last week, when we both talked bout how we missed each other, then he told me that he wanted to call me when he woke up next morning. Since i know it would be night and bed time for me, so i told him "yes maybe, if i'm still up by then. Or maybe tomorrow".
He replied with ok, and still all sweet.
Next morning, no call. And he told me that he's partying again.
I was a lil bit annoyed though, but tried to keep it cool and continue chatting with him as normal as i could.

Few days later, which was yesterday.
He got home kinda late, and said he was tired and got a headache.
Well, i must admit that it made me sad.
Plus i feel like missed him so much.
Not sure if he sense my grumpy stuff, he quickly asking if everythings ok.
Then later he said that he feel bad, and asked if maybe he could give me a call when i woke up. And he still telling me how he loves me so much.
I didn't reply it until later of the night telling him no, thats ok and etc.

Then i don't know how, he then replied with " so i cannot call you? that sucks".
Which apparently theres some missunderstanding here, that i guess comin from the "no" part i said to him.
I immediately explain with " i meant don't feel bad, thats all ok"
He then sounds feel better after that and said "oh ok, thats good. Cause i still want to call you"
I replied with "oh ok"

And in the actual time, that he mentioned as my wake up call time. I got no call at all, again.
Though i still got some morning greeting, and we still chatting. Few hours later, he said that he gonna go out to get some dinner with his cousin and kids.
And literally spent a whole night out somewhere, and i just waited my whole morning-noon waiting for the call.
I hate to say this, but it sounds really strange to me.
I wish i just could believe him and whatever he said.
I hate to think that, how could he really spent a night outside till really late with 2 toddlers coming with him?
I don't like to think that he probably did this all intentionally.
Well, maybe i'm overreacting.
But honestly i dont know why that i'm having this weird feeling of not fully trust him now.

[glasspaper]

You should tell him that he should only promise what he intends to keep. If he continues to break all the promises he makes, how can you ever trust him?

This! This is what i have in my mind. And yes, i'm gonna tell him that once he showed up again later with another good explanation about whats goin on. Too bad all i got from him for today was just a short "ok" to reply my last text of "yeah whatever. You will not be" when he texted me that he still outside and hopefully he will be home real soon.

[differentcountries]

Sometimes SO can be weird like that too, like doesn't show, show up late or be really unfocused when we are on.

He may not be doing it intentionally, still he has to watch his words. Perhaps not promise stuff, I often tell my "Don't tell me you will do that, you know you will fall asleep/want to party for longer/talk to your friend longer" . We made a deal that he shall never need to call me early, and if he is doing something it is better to contact me first and then have his time free.

[p_b82]

I think you need to make sure that if he says he will do XYZ he has a really good reason not to do it personally, or alternately, not to say he will do it in the first place if he does not plan to keep his word.

For me I'd rather be told, sorry I will be going out/I am busy etc then being left waiting and hoping - as it leaves us ready to get disappointed and makes the situation and the cycle worse.

Also I have to say, if he is unwilling to actually make the call, and keeps either making excuses or not turning up I would seriously consider my options about the relationship if I was in your shoes.

But then I am paranoid by nature, and hate feeling let down by other people, as I hate letting others down so always stick to my word if I have given it.

[differentcountries]

I don't mind waiting by the phone/computer for one evening. If I have to wait two, I just tell him that next time he is in contact, is very random if I will be able to be there. I can't promise to be there if he can't. I might have other things to do. If you are not a busy-bee like me, just fake you are. It is not like he can check up what you are doing...

Most likely, he is not "breaking a promise", but he is tired and disorganized, and keps getting hammered to forget the fact that he misses you. Which is really a signal he needs a bit of Firm Mama to, not keep him in check, but to tell him what is possable or not.

The beauty of this strategy is that it doesn't actually matter why is he doing what he does - you are setting up limits that he will have to adapt to, anyhow. If he is willing and able, he will come around.