SO Depressed. I'm lonely.

[Marmalade]

*hugs* I'm so sorry to hear

[Starjasmin]

Thank you everyone, honestly and truly for your kind thoughts and words.
I left him several messages yesterday morning about my concerns or recurring fears that wouldn't go away. Including some of the things I mentioned about him in the original post. He replied later, saying that I was right on all those things I was feeling. He was surprised at how I knew exactly all those things he was feeling. But we've always been very good at being in tune with each other. My insecurities just muck things up sometimes and lead me to believe I'm imagining instead of realizing. He was kind and showed appreciation for all I've done for him. He said he's not prepared for this relationship. He has so much to prepare for, so much to do with his life that the thought of us and marriage feels distant. And he doesn't want me feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
He said we should talk but maybe wait a few days to gather our emotions. I said that I wanted to talk that night. As I waited for a reply, I began cleaning up my Facebook page, removing the pics of us, showing us as a happy couple. I felt sad, I cried a little. But I think I had done so much crying in the last few weeks because I knew in my heart what was happening. I changed my FB status to single, wanting the support from my friends on there.
I didn't feel anything bad towards him whatsoever. I wasn't angry. Not even hurt, exactly. Just sad at out how things had turned out. Our relationship had such a wonderful beginning. And it all fell apart in the end.
He replied and was ready to talk. After much thought and prayer, I felt calm. We made small talk. I asked about his week and he told me what was going with him and the job agency and stuff. More small talk. But it was pleasant small talk. We joked and laughed and both felt at ease. Eventually I began asking him questions that sparked a discussion of our relationship. One major thing I learned was one thing that made his visit here so difficult instead of the paradise I thought it would be. I get episodes, bouts if you will of depression sometimes. And it always boils down to my self esteem, my poor body image, the loathing I feel for my body. He had seen it over face time, but in New Zealand, it didn't come up. When he was here, I went through one. And it scared him. I learned last night that it played a big part in the deterioration of our relationship. He had some uncertainty, some pressure when he came out and when he faced my issue in person head on, it worried him. Maybe this was not the girl he wanted to be with. I've learned, by the way, that these bouts are often hormone related. That episode was during my pms time, as well another bad bout I had after my broken arm surgery, this one over face time. I just realized I never told him that. Maybe if he understood that there was an underlying health reason that exacerbated my insecurities to a blown up proportion sometimes, he might be more understanding and less scared. But I digress. When this came up, he was not blaming me. He felt bad talking about it. I could see that. I asked very direct questions to understand better what happened. This issue of mine combined with the stress of his life at home, leaving his job, etc, well it all combined to an unfulfilling relationship on all sides. Keep in mind that throughout this entire conversation, even when I was asking direct questions, there was a friendly, open, even happy air about it. I've never known anything like it. We were breaking up but I felt happy and rational and I was ready to be friends, no waiting period in between. So we did just that, established our friendship. We discussed the possibility of dating again in the future, when he was on track and if I was single. I expressed that I wanted that as well, but made it clear that I wouldn't put my life on hold, holding onto a hope that it would happen. I would seek out dating opportunities. I made it clear that as we remain friends and I message him or something that it's as friends and that I'm not pining away for him. He understood, even while we joked about it. While I teased about not being more broken up about our breakup. It was one of the best times, the best conversations we've ever shared. Totally open, no fears because the worst had already happen, the breakup.
Early on in our dating, back in March, he had mentioned how hesitant he often was in getting into relationships because when they didn't work out, the awesome friend he had once had would walk out of his life forever and that hurt him so much. Our continued friendship surprised him in the very best way. Our conversation after that became even happier and livelier. This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it was a really lovely time.
I did feel angry at myself for allowing my issues to damage our relationship. Not really angry, more like I could kick myself kind of angry. But he said that it's better not to hide who we are. Better to know now than later. Besides that, if I hadn't been that way, if things were better during his visit, he would have gone home and still suffered the things he's going through. And it would most likely still be an unfulfilling relationship for both of us. It's like Petals has been saying, really, it's better this way. For now anyways. Better that we're not together while he gets his stuff together. I can be free to date and not be miserable at home pining away for the boyfriend who says he loves me but isn't in a proper emotional place to show it. I can work on my issues. I need to focus on building myself up, on healing. It all stems from childhood abuse. I've had therapy, but I just seem to regress so far sometimes.
Even with the things about me that he was uncertain about, what it comes down to is this: he's just not capable of being in a loving, sacrificing, whole heart in it relationship right now, he's too limited. And I understand that now.
I gave him a gift once, one hundred things I love about you. I added to the list recently to send him a new batch for Christmas. Since we broke up, I asked if I could read them to him, otherwise he never would know them. So I did, I had 30. The way he looked at me when I read them. Even as we laughed and joked and teased. He knows what he's losing for the time being, and maybe permanently. He told me how he knew I was different from the very beginning. "I still know how special a person you are, aghhh, it just sucks".
I hope to start dating. I hope I can temper my feelings for him while I do so. If I start dating someone seriously I will need to make sure I don't have lingering love for him. But the plan is to be friends (which I never thought possible or recommended before). It is strange to be able to do it so suddenly. But it feels right. I think we can do much more good in each other's lives as friends. I'll monitor my feelings. If our friendship starts to make me sad for our relationship, I'll have to take a step back. But for now, it's good. I've been feeling a little sad today. Especially at the looks on my grandma's and friends' faces at church today, so full of concern and sadness for me as they ask how I am. It doesn't help that I'm still very much stuck at home recovering from my surgery. I'm just not keen on driving yet after having been in a car accident! So too much time at home, too much time alone with my thoughts. That can be bad news if I let myself wander down a path of what ifs.
Thank you for supporting me and encouraging me. I was hoping for a success story. It may still come a year from now. Or not. But either way, I intend to find happiness.
I just need to remember that things will work out as they should in the end.

[p_b82]

Sorry to hear that it has ended for you, but it really sounds like this is the best for you both.

As you say, you never know what may happen in the future - rest up continue to heal and keep looking forwards