I think I just messed up

[AnnaWright96]

I've been dating my SO for almost 4 years now, and he's not very romantic. Honestly some time it hurts and its been somsthing that's been bothering me for a while. So I brought it up today he got upset and said I was making him feel like he wasn't trying hard enough. What do I do, I really didn't want to turn this into a fight, but I fIdk very strongly about it.

[dglynn77]

You didn't mess up at all, IMO.
If you feel you need something more in your relationship, you should be able to tell your SO without feeling you've done anything wrong.
If he responds badly or doesn't work to fix the problem, then you need to decide whether you can love without more romance, or whether you need to find someone who can give you what you need.

[whatruckus]

I've been dating my SO for almost 4 years now, and he's not very romantic. Honestly some time it hurts and its been somsthing that's been bothering me for a while. So I brought it up today he got upset and said I was making him feel like he wasn't trying hard enough. What do I do, I really didn't want to turn this into a fight, but I fIdk very strongly about it.

Well, more than likely (actually, definitely) you hurt his feelings. Apologize for making him feel that way first and foremost, but also try to explain to him how you feel. Do you feel that he isn't trying hard enough? Or do you feel that you just want him to do little things a little more? I would definitely recommend that you guys purchase the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. My boyfriend isn't all that romantic either, but I read the book and realized that I do every single love language (without even thinking about it) and he shows his love for me in different ways, for instance his language is more physical touch. Also, what do you consider as being "romantic"? Is it the gifts (roses, flowers, chocolates), words (saying 'I love you' more, or telling you what you mean to him), or what you see in movies (the "sweeping off your feet" thing, and overly dramatic declarations of love)? He might not know what you like.

Also, I want to mention that I also don't think you did anything wrong, but you did seem to have hurt his feelings (I know it's a tough subject to bring up).

[AnnaWright96]

I did apologize to him. I'm not great at wording things, but I told him I appreciate everything he's gotten me and I love all of it.
Romantic to me are little cards, or letters. I don't want anything fancy. Recently I've felt very neglected. He' s very sick so I haven't seen him for a long time. All we do now is play video games, and I need more then that =/. we haven't video chatted in month either, it's been very difficult. And he does know how meaningful a card is to me. We've been dating for almost three years and he sents me a card finally for my birthday.

[snow]

You say he knows how meaningful a card is to you, but are you sure? By saying that he knows that, you are saying that he is knowingly withholding a card and I don't think he does. It might just not be what he likes to do to show you that he loves you and that is probably why he got hurt.

My fiance hates writing cards or letters, he simply does and it used to make me so upset, but it is what it is. If I ask my fiance for a card for my birthday and our anniversary, I get one, so I do. I don't expect cards for any other occasion and if I get one, it's wonderful and if I don't, then I don't. We've been dating almost 2 and a half years and I have gotten 3 cards. I cherish them, but there is other ways that show me that he loves me, like telling his siblings little things about me that make it easier for them to understand my quirks, or getting me something small when he is out with his family that he knows I will like or thinking about me when his friend wanted to throw away a perfectly fine dresser that is now in his basement waiting for my arrival. I still love cards and other romantic gestures, but life is not like the movies and those things really show that he loves me.

So, I think you should give yourself a little time and think about all the things he does for you and then decided again if those things are maybe his way of being romantic.

BTW: A gamer sharing his game with his girlfriend is pretty romantic.

[differentcountries]

It is not just about wanting to show love, it is also what you are able to do. My SO has a way with word verbally, but apart from chatting with me online he relly doesn't know how to put things in writing. It is not just me; he never writes his family anyting, either. In the year we have been together, he twice drew me hearts on paper and once he wrote me a card. He says it is really hard for him to write anything, he just doesn't have the imagination. And I am used to guys and girls writing me cards, letters and even books... But he does so many other things.

The word "romantic" can really stand in the way of true understanding of the other person. What is it exactly you want him to do? And what do things mean to you? If he gets a clear understanding, he and you together might find some ways in which he can be comfortable giving something that you will like.

[AnnaWright96]

You say he knows how meaningful a card is to you, but are you sure? By saying that he knows that, you are saying that he is knowingly withholding a card and I don't think he does. It might just not be what he likes to do to show you that he loves you and that is probably why he got hurt.

My fiance hates writing cards or letters, he simply does and it used to make me so upset, but it is what it is. If I ask my fiance for a card for my birthday and our anniversary, I get one, so I do. I don't expect cards for any other occasion and if I get one, it's wonderful and if I don't, then I don't. We've been dating almost 2 and a half years and I have gotten 3 cards. I cherish them, but there is other ways that show me that he loves me, like telling his siblings little things about me that make it easier for them to understand my quirks, or getting me something small when he is out with his family that he knows I will like or thinking about me when his friend wanted to throw away a perfectly fine dresser that is now in his basement waiting for my arrival. I still love cards and other romantic gestures, but life is not like the movies and those things really show that he loves me.

So, I think you should give yourself a little time and think about all the things he does for you and then decided again if those things are maybe his way of being romantic.

BTW: A gamer sharing his game with his girlfriend is pretty romantic.

He doesn't share games. We met over Xbox live so we just play the same games.
He knows how meanful a card is to me I've been very blunt.
I'd love if he got me little gifts that made him think of me. I get him stuff all the time, but I haven't been doing that as much. Even a video chat at this point would be a dream come true. It's been very difficult lately.

[whatruckus]

He doesn't share games. We met over Xbox live so we just play the same games.
He knows how meanful a card is to me I've been very blunt.
I'd love if he got me little gifts that made him think of me. I get him stuff all the time, but I haven't been doing that as much. Even a video chat at this point would be a dream come true. It's been very difficult lately.

Like I said, his love language is definitely different than yours, as it is with my boyfriend and I. I get mine gifts all the time, I write to him all the time, I do things for him all the time, I'm always touching him (affectionately and intimately)...I do it all. Your language is obviously gifts (whether it's nice stuff, or just him giving you a card or a letter). He really may be showing you his love for you in other ways, which in his mind, are romantic. Things that he may only do for you and no one else. That's what I was saying in my post and others have also echoed it. Take a look at the things he does for you.

My boyfriend never writes me anything, we've been dating for almost 2 years and he only gave me a Valentine's Day card once. He never really buys me anything (unless it's a holiday, or my birthday, and even then it's a chance that he will). He does do little things for me that I take notice to. For instance, if he's out, and he gets food and I'm at his house, he'll usually get me something too. Usually something he's paid attention to that I like, and remembers. It's not much, but no one ever really remembers to get me food (not even my brothers). He's always hugging me, playing with my hair, tickling me, cuddling with me...these are all his ways of showing he loves me and his ways of being romantic. He'll even talk about me non stop to all of his friends and family and how amazing he thinks I am.

You just have to look it at that way. He might not do exactly what you want him to do, but he might be doing other things. I would love it if my boyfriend bought me flowers and gave me cards, or sent me sweet messages, but he doesn't. That's just how he is. He thinks that stuff is stupid and cheesy and he thinks flowers are especially stupid because they shrivel up and die.

Everyone has different ideas of what is romantic. This is why you need to talk to him. Ask him what he thinks qualifies as being "romantic". For all you know, you could not even be doing romantic things for him because he doesn't consider them romantic.

Also, if he's very sick, he might not even feel like doing anything. Being sick takes a lot out of you, emotionally and physically.

[snow]

He doesn't share games. We met over Xbox live so we just play the same games.
He knows how meanful a card is to me I've been very blunt.
I'd love if he got me little gifts that made him think of me. I get him stuff all the time, but I haven't been doing that as much. Even a video chat at this point would be a dream come true. It's been very difficult lately.

And that's fine! These are your needs, but what about the things he does for you? What is it that he does for you? Does he really do nothing?

[AWC5182]

I have to agree with the group, you should maybe figure out what your love languages are. It will help you know how you prefer to show and a receive love. I haven't done it with my current partner but have with other. You could be completely missing how he is showing he loves you.

If cards or emails or something is important to you, maybe you should try scheduling it. My boyfriend is literally the most busy person on the planet. He works full-time, goes to grad school full-time, and then he wants to be in every club and social group possible. You can guess how much free time that leaves for him to devote to me, or even sleep. In a similar way I've gone through some growing pains with my boyfriend. I love to send him selfies of me all the time. I feel if we can't see each other in person or even skype, we could at least see what we look like on a day to day basis. He is horrible at sending them. He hates sending them. So to get him to cooperate finally, as he knows how important it is to me, we have scheduled selfie Monday.

[AnnaWright96]

Like I said, his love language is definitely different than yours, as it is with my boyfriend and I. I get mine gifts all the time, I write to him all the time, I do things for him all the time, I'm always touching him (affectionately and intimately)...I do it all. Your language is obviously gifts (whether it's nice stuff, or just him giving you a card or a letter). He really may be showing you his love for you in other ways, which in his mind, are romantic. Things that he may only do for you and no one else. That's what I was saying in my post and others have also echoed it. Take a look at the things he does for you.

My boyfriend never writes me anything, we've been dating for almost 2 years and he only gave me a Valentine's Day card once. He never really buys me anything (unless it's a holiday, or my birthday, and even then it's a chance that he will). He does do little things for me that I take notice to. For instance, if he's out, and he gets food and I'm at his house, he'll usually get me something too. Usually something he's paid attention to that I like, and remembers. It's not much, but no one ever really remembers to get me food (not even my brothers). He's always hugging me, playing with my hair, tickling me, cuddling with me...these are all his ways of showing he loves me and his ways of being romantic. He'll even talk about me non stop to all of his friends and family and how amazing he thinks I am.

You just have to look it at that way. He might not do exactly what you want him to do, but he might be doing other things. I would love it if my boyfriend bought me flowers and gave me cards, or sent me sweet messages, but he doesn't. That's just how he is. He thinks that stuff is stupid and cheesy and he thinks flowers are especially stupid because they shrivel up and die.

Everyone has different ideas of what is romantic. This is why you need to talk to him. Ask him what he thinks qualifies as being "romantic". For all you know, you could not even be doing romantic things for him because he doesn't consider them romantic.

Also, if he's very sick, he might not even feel like doing anything. Being sick takes a lot out of you, emotionally and physically.

I see what you mean thank you for the advice. It's just been rough lately, but things are looking up.

[AnnaWright96]

And that's fine! These are your needs, but what about the things he does for you? What is it that he does for you? Does he really do nothing?

He does do wonderful things for me, but lately I've just felt neglected. We were only talking about games because ever think else was stressing him out. Then we would end up fighting.

He said he'd trying to figure out how to skype, we haven't figured out how to do it for free, and it's been months since we've done a video chat.