How fast do babies step? (Am I being unrealistic with the speed of my relationship?)

[douglas2275]

Forgive the silly title. I have been posting quite a few threads lately but I am very new to LDR's and I want to do it right. I have a LOT of questions so I hope that I am not becoming annoying.

I know "baby steps" are important in every relationship, but I am a little discouraged by the lack of planning in my relationship. In my relationship, there is a lot of time before I can hope to close the distance, I am still very young and my SO is even younger. It could easily be 5 years before it happens. We enjoy a happy and loving relationship, we are getting to know each other better and growing closer. The only thing that is really bugging me at this point is the lack of plans we have. I want to meet her in person, not just for myself but her also. We NEED to meet in person, perhaps others disagree but I want to give her a chance to meet me. I have known her for 5.5 months and been dating officially for 1ish month. She is only 17 and will turn 18 in June, she has lived a stressful life that has forced her into adulthood. I tried to bring up the subject of meeting in person once, I purposed that I could fly out and meet her in the summer after she was 18. She said she would love it but the timing did not work out. She intends on joining the Air force and going to college, she believes that she will be in basic training during the time I that was thinking about and other times were also out of question because she will be busy with sports/camps. So I dropped the subject, I am committed to this relationship but now it looks as though I might be in a relationship that could be as long as 5 years before we might meet. We have no plans of meeting in person and this really bothers me. I don't care if I have to wait 3-5 years to meet her if I know I WAS going to see her. It just seams like if we actually wanted to make it happen we could. Correct me if I am wrong but it is not impossible to see people when in the service.

Perhaps I am just pushing her too far? Too soon? After all she is young. It just really bothers me that at this point we are committed for the next 5+ years and won't ever meet in person. I also kind of want to see her before she goes into service, it could changer her and that prospect scares me. Ideas?

~Douglas

[differentcountries]

My thoughts are that you should not plan more than a couple of months ahead at this point.

[R&R]

Slow down. You've been dating a month. She sounds like she has path set for her future and she needs to work on her future for her first. These plans may change as time goes by but you need to give her the chance to do what she wants. You're going to have to have patience and let things progress. Rushing things can ruin the potential of what you two may have.

[whatruckus]

Is she enlisting as Active Duty or Reserve? But, seeing that she still wants to go to college/have hobbies, I'm assuming it's probably Reserves (Active Duty, you're pretty much committed to the military full time). Also, it really depends on if she does follow through and join the Air Force, makes it, and graduates. Then, she could either specialize, or have orders to be deployed. If she does deploy, she'll only be gone for 6 months, not counting training for the deployment.

I think you are pushing her a little far, seeing as you only just started dating and she is still young and in high school (I'm assuming). She is young and she's still trying to figure out what she wants to do after she graduates high school.

[Petals]

I agree with the others re giving her time but I think you should meet her in person as soon as possible...even for a weekend or a week. That is a reasonable request IMO.

[douglas2275]

I thought I might be pushing her a little fast, I am glad to see so many replies that agree with each other. I'm just scared (probably not justified). I am not sure if she is going to be active or not yet, we were going to talk about it more but planned to talk about it later. My fear is that she will end up serving and loose interest in me when she is free from her families bonds. I want her to be happy and live the life of her dreams, I support her ambitions. She needs to discover who she is as a person and time will tell what role I play in her life.

How long was it before you were comfortable meeting in person? (For people with similar situations)

[Petals]

I thought I might be pushing her a little fast, I am glad to see so many replies that agree with each other. I'm just scared (probably not justified). I am not sure if she is going to be active or not yet, we were going to talk about it more but planned to talk about it later. My fear is that she will end up serving and loose interest in me when she is free from her families bonds. I want her to be happy and live the life of her dreams, I support her ambitions. She needs to discover who she is as a person and time will tell what role I play in her life.

How long was it before you were comfortable meeting in person? (For people with similar situations)

You have to try very hard to let go of that fear. Such fear if left unchecked can lead to controlling behavior. If you are meant to be together it will all work out, so just be supportive and let her spread her wings.

My SO and I had planned to meet in person 6 months after we met online, but didn't meet until 8month mark due to snow storms. Had we lived in the same country we would have met sooner. I'm one of those people who find it very difficult to commit to a relationship with someone that I have not met physically. Everyone is different though.

[whatruckus]

My fear is that she will end up serving and loose interest in me when she is free from her families bonds.)

If that does happen, there's nothing you can do about it, but just let it be. Everyone in a military relationship has that fear. Hell, even normal civilian couples have that fear. It's normal.

My SO and I met about a week after we started talking (which, it just so happens, today is 2 years since we first met online).

[douglas2275]

I do need to be patient, I do need to let her make these decisions for herself. I developed feelings for her, at least romantic ones, first. It is hard to understand and remember that she is/could be in a different place in this relationship then me. I do not want to be controlling, she has a beautiful life ahead of her and I need to let her reach her full potential without standing in her way. Do you think it would be wise to ask what she thinks would be good timing, or let her bring up the subject or drop this all together?

[whatruckus]

I do need to be patient, I do need to let her make these decisions for herself. I developed feelings for her, at least romantic ones, first. It is hard to understand and remember that she is/could be in a different place in this relationship then me. I do not want to be controlling, she has a beautiful life ahead of her and I need to let her reach her full potential without standing in her way. Do you think it would be wise to ask what she thinks would be good timing, or let her bring up the subject or drop this all together?

I think you should just drop it and let her bring it up when she's ready, since it seems she's the one who is not ready right now. Also, it's still too early.

[R&R]

You have to try very hard to let go of that fear. Such fear if left unchecked can lead to controlling behavior. If you are meant to be together it will all work out, so just be supportive and let her spread her wings.

h.

This is excellent advice.

My SO and I met after 9 months. We dated 6 months, split for 18 months, gave it another try and it was 3 months into the second time around.

[douglas2275]

Thank you everyone for your input, I value everyone's thoughts. I agree I need to wait until she is ready. If this relationship is important to her, and I believe it is, she will bring it back up or give me clues that it is okay to talk about.