Quality of texting

[Polly]

My SO and I primarily communicate via instant messaging. He prefers that over email, and we only Skype once or twice a week due to his busy work schedule.

I find that sometimes our conversations via messages are mostly me being the one trying to engage the conversation, asking questions about his day, etc. He then answers usually short responses, but rarely responds with questions about me. Basically, I'm carrying the conversation, and if I stopped, the conversation would just die quickly. Maybe it's because he might be tired, but sometimes it feels nice to have him ask how my day was.

This was the situation today, and this was when he was at home not working, so I don't know why he wasn't that engaged in our conversation. I feel like I'm making all the effort, basically. I am so irritated by it. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't show any curiosity in my life or interests as I am in his.

I feel really frustrated, and I have a feeling if I brought it up he would be totally oblivious to the fact he comes off this way.

And what makes it difficult is he's really sweet in that he uses terms of endearment and says sweet things, but his lack of curiosity I just find annoying sometimes. Like I wrote a blog post that was published for work and I was proud of it, and sent him the link. He hadnt read it for weeks until I asked him what he thought of it, and he was all like, oh I haven't read it yet. Anything he does I'm interested in, and maybe he's just too busy rather than being not interested, but it does hurt my feelings.

Anyways, I just needed to come here and vent.

[differentcountries]

You don't get the attention that you want, but if you believe him being busy it should be more sad than utsetting. Why are you sending him lenghty texts to read when he doesn't even have the time to Skype with you? It sounds a bit unconsiderate on your part. In high season, first I wrote him letters that it took him four weeks to even start to read. At first I thought he maybe did not care. Then it slowly dawned upon me that all he did was work, eat and sleep, and he didn't even have the energy to be curious about himself. So I stopped the lenghty letters. I started writing him short cards for our countdown. He always read them and did the crossing out. Showing that I knew what his life was like was hard, but it was a leap I had to take. This is not what his life will be like in the future, so in the meantime I do what it takes.

[whatruckus]

To be honest, my SO is the same way. But, after numerous talks with him about it, he's starting to change. Tell your SO how you feel, let him know that the fact that he didn't read your published work for weeks made you upset because it meant a lot to you. You have a right to be upset if he's not showing interest in you and your life. But, also realize that some people are just this way. It's not that they intentionally mean to hurt your feelings, or that they're blatantly ignoring you, they're just...as you said, oblivious. Too wrapped up in their own thoughts and problems. Keep us updated.

[p_b82]

I was in a similar boat with my GF, I have often communicated with friends/family/colleagues solely using online means, I work from home and my office is 100 miles away so it is the only way to keep in touch in a practical fashion.

I was finding I was leaving long messages about a number of topics, as my mind has always worked in a say something and write it down kinda way, or I forget and was getting upset that only the last one would ever be responded to typically. and often a short word answer.

Just because they do not communicate in the same way, doesn't mean they don't care though, and that is something to remember. I have reduced the number of comments I leave, and as a result, I get that warm and fuzzy feeling when she gets in touch with me.

We also make a real effort to not ask the 'how are you, how was you day, how did you sleep' questions on repeat, they get boring and monotonous to us, and so we try to make sure that we take conversation to interesting things - obviously, we do ask, but it only more in passing than it is the focus. she also hates having to recount an hour by hour blow of her day, and doesn't find it an interesting conversation, so it it not one that I really push anymore. She'll give me a high level, and if I want to know more, I'll ask about a specific event, but it rarely gets much 'air time'

In fairness we did have a serious talk about it; she explained why she didn't like to communicate in the same way I do, and I let her know my interpretation of her apparent disinterest. We learnt a lot about each other and how different we are, and both have found a compromise that works. I almost never get an 'offline' message from her, but I know that she gets in touch with me when she 'wants' to speak to me. We also ironed out a few kinks surrounding going away, or being busy etc, to enable us to reset the expectations on the levels of communication... Nothing wrong with having that conversation, it does not need to be done in a confrontational manner either

[Unicorn26]

My SO does this too. Sometimes he just replies with "k" or "lol" It does my head in...

However. I have learned not to overthink this. It's just the way he is. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, it means he's probably tired or has things on his mind (or is watching hockey lol). If it goes on like this for any length of time I ask him if he's ok and explain that it feels like he's being cold or keeping me at arms length. Usually he will be very apologetic and offer reassurance and an explanation.

This is one of the reasons I hate the primary communication bring texting. I'd much rather have a 20 minute audio call than an hour texting.

[snow]

Instant messaging is exhausting. In a real life setting with another person there is moments where you barely talk, there is moments where you just enjoy sitting next to each other and there is moments where you just want to relax and don't do anything. I have struggled with understanding this, but in real life, not every second is filled with words and once you understand this, you get that sometimes the other person doesn't wanna respond or is busy doing something else or wants to relax. I used to get upset when I asked my man how his day went, but he wouldn't ask how my day went, but he just needed to come home, unwind, relax for an hour or two and THEN he was ready to engage in conversations, but for me waiting hours and hours for him to come home, I just felt like I am not important.
The only way we fixed this was when we started to use our own TeamSpeak server. This way we could both be on open mic and just talk whenever we wanted to or not say a word, but we knew the other person was RIGHT THERE if I wanted to talk. TeamSpeak is a super small program and setting up a server, or even just connecting to the main TeamSpeak server and creating your own private room is so easy that everyone can do it.

[Polly]

My text messages are really short. Just simple stuff like, how was your day? I rarely send lengthy texts because I know he's busy. But yesterday, he wasn't busy but was at home. And still he had one or two word answers.

But maybe it's just because he needed to wind down and didn't want to engage. At least he responded. It's the nature of LD, I guess since all you have is talking as a form of keeping in touch rather than just hanging out. We don't have the privilege of sitting on the couch not talking but enjoying each other's presence...

Good to hear others sometimes experience this frustration too.

[Polly]

You don't get the attention that you want, but if you believe him being busy it should be more sad than utsetting. Why are you sending him lenghty texts to read when he doesn't even have the time to Skype with you? It sounds a bit unconsiderate on your part. In high season, first I wrote him letters that it took him four weeks to even start to read. At first I thought he maybe did not care. Then it slowly dawned upon me that all he did was work, eat and sleep, and he didn't even have the energy to be curious about himself. So I stopped the lenghty letters. I started writing him short cards for our countdown. He always read them and did the crossing out. Showing that I knew what his life was like was hard, but it was a leap I had to take. This is not what his life will be like in the future, so in the meantime I do what it takes.

I try to avoid sending lengthy texts. My messages are really simple, even something like a link to a cute picture. But even then, I don't get much of a response. Maybe he's just too tired or isn't good with that way of communicating. It sucks though when it's one of the few ways we can keep the connection alive other than visits that are few and far in between.

And I think it's fair to express my needs, I don't see it as being 'selfish'. I think what makes it difficult is we only actually talk once a week and then just text the other days...

[vicks5721]

with my fiance we communicate on whatsapp messaging everyday and usually we always skype at least once a day as well, sending texts I have always been the one who writes lengthly messages(not always, but sometimes) and he is the one who writes shorter messages, I know it is my personality that I do that and I just love saying many things at once and I ramble on, it's just part of who I am, I do the same thing when chatting to my family. My fiance on the other hand is happy and used to writing shorter messages and that's part of his personality. But sometimes on skype he can have lots to say about an event, a funny story or daily life in general and I love to listen. In general though he is the one who you might say talks less than I do and I accept him exactly the way he is, he is always happy to listen to my rambling if I am chatting alot, and I love that about him.

In social situations we both are introverts and quiet sort of people and I am glad, as it means we understand each other in that way. I understand that when my fiance is going through a hard time or he is exhausted or he is very stressed he tends to be less talkactive, he keeps his texts short and it can be 20 minutes between replies, I know it is nothing personal though, it is just he needs his time to relax and usually he likes to take a nap or watch a tv show or watch a movie. I understand that he needs his alone time, I know how that feels I like to relax by listening to music or watch tv at times as well.

There has been of course sometimes when I have felt worried whether I did something wrong or he is bored of me, but deep in my heart I know that isn't true, but I told him how I was feeling anyway, we discussed it one night and I found out he just likes to have his ME time when he is very stressed or feeling down about life etc. As it gives him space to relax, focusing just on his tv shows, I have noticed though that he does still like it that we text short messages every now and then, as he loves knowing I am there. which is really sweet of him. He does pay attention to my life and he asks questions at times, usually randomly, I am the one who generally asks questions alot but I do that with everyone, it's my way of communicating if I can't think of a topic to talk about with the person. I know my Fiance appreciates me and he shows it with the sweet loving words he says and I love he is random and he loves to make me smile or laugh.

My advice in your situation is to talk to your SO about how you are feeling, on video chat if you can, as texts can be misunderstood or send him a voice recording, show him you understand but that you have been feeling let down and I am sure you find out it maybe he is stressed lately from work or life in general or even like other people have said, it could be how he communicates and his personality. All the best of luck!!

[vicks5721]

Instant messaging is exhausting. In a real life setting with another person there is moments where you barely talk, there is moments where you just enjoy sitting next to each other and there is moments where you just want to relax and don't do anything. I have struggled with understanding this, but in real life, not every second is filled with words and once you understand this, you get that sometimes the other person doesn't wanna respond or is busy doing something else or wants to relax. I used to get upset when I asked my man how his day went, but he wouldn't ask how my day went, but he just needed to come home, unwind, relax for an hour or two and THEN he was ready to engage in conversations, but for me waiting hours and hours for him to come home, I just felt like I am not important.
The only way we fixed this was when we started to use our own TeamSpeak server. This way we could both be on open mic and just talk whenever we wanted to or not say a word, but we knew the other person was RIGHT THERE if I wanted to talk. TeamSpeak is a super small program and setting up a server, or even just connecting to the main TeamSpeak server and creating your own private room is so easy that everyone can do it.

I agree with Snow, there will be times of silence and that is not a bad thing or a concern necessarily, sometimes you do want to just relax at home after a hard day at work or you feel stressed and one way to do that is to just sit and do nothing for a few minutes or even hours, it depends on the individual. Yeah and just sitting next each other watching a movie in silence or doing individual hobbies is completely okay, sometimes silence has a nice peaceful feel to it when you had a tough day, it depends on the individuals personality sometimes as well. In my opinion it can only become a concern if there is silence all the time all day and they don't explain why whether that is in person or long distance.

[whatruckus]

Instant messaging is exhausting. In a real life setting with another person there is moments where you barely talk, there is moments where you just enjoy sitting next to each other and there is moments where you just want to relax and don't do anything. I have struggled with understanding this, but in real life, not every second is filled with words and once you understand this, you get that sometimes the other person doesn't wanna respond or is busy doing something else or wants to relax. I used to get upset when I asked my man how his day went, but he wouldn't ask how my day went, but he just needed to come home, unwind, relax for an hour or two and THEN he was ready to engage in conversations, but for me waiting hours and hours for him to come home, I just felt like I am not important.
The only way we fixed this was when we started to use our own TeamSpeak server. This way we could both be on open mic and just talk whenever we wanted to or not say a word, but we knew the other person was RIGHT THERE if I wanted to talk. TeamSpeak is a super small program and setting up a server, or even just connecting to the main TeamSpeak server and creating your own private room is so easy that everyone can do it.

I second this. It took me a bit to realize it too, but when I thought about it like this, it made it easier for me to not get so upset. Even when my SO and I are together, we don't talk alllllll the time. We have our bouts of silence, just enjoying each other's company. Also, my SO and I use Facebook Messenger to talk when he's home, but I like this idea of TeamSpeak. I've used Ventrilo for gaming before. I don't know if my SO would be open to using it, though. Hmm...

[sweetshay]

I've always found that when texts start dying and getting dry and I'm the only one making the effort I just end up talking to someone more engaged in conversation. When that person isn't my SO it just bothers me. It comes across that my SO doesn't care as much. I know that's not always the case, but I just want my SO to be my favorite person to talk to. I feel like it's worse when there's distance involved cause you have to try harder to let that person know "hey i'm still interested in you." Sometimes I get frustrated at my SO when he's at work, but he's at work. I feel that I just have to be understanding of his schedule. However, when he's NOT at work, he better give me attention or else!! Lol. With the limited amount of time you have together why wouldn't they be interested in spending some of that free time talking n such. Sometimes there's like this "communication tango" that happens where one person is always the leader in initiating convo, but when they stop the other pushes forward instead. I hope that makes sense >.<. I would hope that if you stopped trying he would take the initiative.

On the other hand, I think how secure you feel in the relationship is also important. I feel that the less secure I feel the more I worry about not talking as much or outings with friends cause I guess it seems like my SO is slipping away from me. Which is also not always the case, maybe there's just nothing to talk about, maybe there needs to be a new activity that you guys can get into.

The fact that he still tells you sweet things is a great sign, maybe it is really time to say hey I have an interesting life too, it hurts me that you don't seem to care. But like some other posters said, sometimes people just aren't talkers/texters and you could try not to take it personally.

[differentcountries]

I try to avoid sending lengthy texts. My messages are really simple, even something like a link to a cute picture. But even then, I don't get much of a response. Maybe he's just too tired or isn't good with that way of communicating. It sucks though when it's one of the few ways we can keep the connection alive other than visits that are few and far in between.

And I think it's fair to express my needs, I don't see it as being 'selfish'. I think what makes it difficult is we only actually talk once a week and then just text the other days...

It is absolutely fair to express your needs! Perhaps you can use your once a week talk to adress this to him, and see what kind of solution you may come up with together. It is kind of hard to adress concerns in texts, in fact me and SO promised each other to never do that after our famous first fight. Don't think for one second that you are selfish for wanting feedback and regular contact, it is more a matter of strategy so that he will understand what you are looking for. Maybe you can make it intersting by playing a sort of game... Me and SO have gone a little stale over Skype, so I am thinking going back to "answer 5 questions game", like we did in the first months of our relationship, basically we ask each other questions about how we are as persons and about our past. SO is not very interested in talking about feelings and stuff (even the women in his family are pretty tough) but he likes games, so I "trick" him into engaging that way.

[TheSteelAngel]

I had a similar experience with my boyfriend recently. I would feel that he wasn't flirting with me or talking to me as much as before, and that made my anxiety levels sky rocket. I thought that I was being too clingy and that I was scaring him off, but that wasn't the case. I talked to him about it and he didn't realize that I was suffering from this because he was too wrapped up about his own problems. This is definitely a learning process with me because I need to learn how to let him go when he says he's tired or that he needs space. He leaves short replies to me to but I just realized that that's how he is, especially when he's tired. Good luck OP and make sure you consider everyone's advice on here

[whatruckus]

It definitely seems more like a guy thing, than a girl thing, after being on this site. Guys in general don't really talk much about their day, or about their feelings. If you get one that does, you're super lucky.

I had to mention to my SO that talking is our only form of communication, whether through FB, text, or phone call, because we're not, and can't be, physically together all the time like we want to be. I had to explain to him that it's not like I'm one of his friends that live in the area, who he can just text or call up and be like, "Come over." We have to actually plan our visits and when I can come down. After I said that to him, he's been making a bit more of an effort. Maybe try that?

Sometimes they don't understand that being in an LDR is a lot different than being CD, and that the effort they put into it needs to be slightly more.