How often do you fight?

[differentcountries]

That sounds awful.. he talks you down?

I guess she means he calms her. Which is good as long as any real issues are solved too.

[snow]

I guess she means he calms her. Which is good as long as any real issues are solved too.

I hope so, but talking down does not mean calming down.

[differentcountries]

I hope so, but talking down does not mean calming down.

To talk down to someone is condecending, while talking someone down can mean many things, one of the meanings is to calm someone who is very upset (similar to making somene come "down" whey they have been "high" on drugs). Talking someone down is more of a slang expression I guess.

[Miasmata]

I hate to put my "work head" on, but for all those of you who suffer from things like frustration, mood swings, short fuses, anger issues, temper problems etc there are things that can be done to help.

This is vitally important! Working on those issues is crucial if you want to keep a stable, healthy relationship. I gave my SO the chance when we got together because he was very open about his issues and showed a lot of desire for improvement, but without that improvement actually happening, it wouldn't mean much. He's been seeing a therapist for over a year now and we talk things out whenever they come up, especially after a fight, so we examine what happened and how to improve. Nobody has to endure a horrible temper, neither their own or someone else's - Get help if you need it.

[differentcountries]

Not only "bad tempers" are...bad. Peacekeepers are not all good for relationships. My husband used to be very peace-seeking. After 10+ years of realationship to rather more confrontational me, plus therapy, he takes out his anger more when he feels it coming on. I don't always appreciate it, but at least he is not vague and distant like he could be in the past. We used to be a "never fight couple" (for years and years we hardly had a disagreement, and certainly never fought), a periode a couple of years ago we fought a lot, and now we are at about 1-2 small fights a month, which I think is ok. I never have to worry much what his mind is at.

I imagine that my well-tempered boyfriend will change after a few years with me. I mean, he is very soothing when I fuss over little things, but he can be clumsy with big issues that can't so easily be sweet-talked. My guys sometimes picking fights is the price I pay for them learning how to speak their mind and to re-dress their anger i more appropriate clothes.

[Miasmata]

You can speak your mind without getting hostile. A fight, to me, is beyond a discussion. A discussion isn't inherently hostile in tone and nature. You can confront a problem without being hostile, which is what I want my SO to learn. He's made tons of progress with that, which is very good. In the past, when he felt threatened or mocked, he would immediately get loud and meanspirited. That's a temper that needs to be improved upon, because it's unhealthy for the both of us. I have no trouble speaking my mind and being brutally honest where necessary, but there is a very important difference between brutal honesty and actual brutality, in both actions and words.

[sweetshay]

My SO and I have had serious fights but not ones that got disrespectful just yet. But we also have not been dating long enough and I know that, unfortunately, sometimes the more comfortable you are in a relationship the more likely you are to fly off at the mouth because the hurt is so much greater.

We probably have those arguments about once every week or two weeks and it never really takes more than a day or so to get back to normal. For our most recent argument I got upset at him because it seems like he only wants to hash things out over text message and not "face-to-face" on skype - this frustrates me because we basically skype all day, but when we have a disagreement we end the call and duke it out over text. If I attempt to discuss things that could start an argument over skype he brushes them off and doesn't give me answers. Le sigh...

[differentcountries]

You can speak your mind without getting hostile. A fight, to me, is beyond a discussion. A discussion isn't inherently hostile in tone and nature. You can confront a problem without being hostile, which is what I want my SO to learn. He's made tons of progress with that, which is very good. In the past, when he felt threatened or mocked, he would immediately get loud and meanspirited. That's a temper that needs to be improved upon, because it's unhealthy for the both of us. I have no trouble speaking my mind and being brutally honest where necessary, but there is a very important difference between brutal honesty and actual brutality, in both actions and words.

Well, my SO will usually not get angry even when threatened. If something happens, he will walk away. If his friends upset him, he will get passive aggressive instead of angry. He never so much as raised his voice with his sort of ex of three years, they never fought and he never upset her until he broke up. He doesn't need to improve his temper but to express one. He has a very expressive yet male face, where whole micro dramas are shown, which is why I know he is not JUST the super friendly guy everyone takes him for, but one that needs to show himself as a more complex human being.

Anger and hostility are not neccesarily the same things, that is what I want SO to learn. I don't tolerante any type of contempt, like inapproproate laughter, but anger? Just bring it on! I have lots of anger which I over the years have learned to contain, by for instance saying I am very angry with you right now, instead of bickering, namecalling or blame-games. Emotions without all the unnecessary words are pure and contain useful information. If he gets angry with me, instead of becoming upset by it I rather celebrate it, because that to me is a big fat chunk of trust right there. He needs to know I can take everything about him, including his anger. Noone has been interested in his anger before. I am very interested, and when I talk to him about my own anger, or even at rare times raise my voice or cry, I teach him honesty of emotions. It is very important to be able to discuss themes calmly, still for us, not being so polite is equal useful.

[Miasmata]

Seems like our SOs come from opposite ends of the spectrum tthen, but we want the same thing - Being able to express emotions honestly without getting hostile or unfair. My SO was initially very afraid to express his emotions, fearing his temper would get the best of him, but it's gotten much better with practice. Knowing that emotions are welcome instead of something to be ashamed of is sadly hard to learn for many.

[jameshetfieldjr]

Hi everyone, i'm new here . I can't believe this is actually my first post lol... But I've been really angry about my gf's behaviour lately, and i can't tell her, i don't know how to. I'm a new member so i don't know if i should post my story here or make a new thread. Hope you guys can help me.

[Miasmata]

A new thread would be better, if you haven't made one yet.

[Aussieabroad]

Once every 2 months or so. Normally we fight about it and talk it out and either make up on the spot, or immediately the next morning. We've never stayed mad at each other for longer for a few hours, because we talk it out every single time