husband not ready to relocate

[swall]

Hello, new to this forum! Seeking advice. I am not yet in a long distance relationship but it may be in my future. My husband and I have been married for a year (been together for seven years). He's 27, I'm 25. We will not be having children and I am a writer so I can work and live anywhere; his career path is flexible since he works in the service industry. We are not being separated by careers or finances, but rather a desire to live in different places.

Currently I'm a graduate student in Minneapolis. Husband grew up near Los Angeles and moved with me. He loves Minneapolis--we've been living here for almost two years. The problem is, I am not a city person. I've lived in the city for the past seven+ years and I desperately want to move back to my rural hometown in the mountain West when my graduate program is over. Although I enjoy many aspects of Minneapolis culture I am constantly homesick and feel really unhappy when I am trapped inside for weeks at a time by the climate. I can't do many of my favorite actives, like hiking and backpacking, which are more of a lifestyle to me than a hobby. If it were up to me, I would live in my hometown in the mountains forever--I already own a house there that I currently rent out and would like to eventually move into.

Husband says he can imagine himself being happy in my rural hometown eventually, but doesn't know when he'll be ready to leave the city. He wants to exhaust all of his options in an urban setting (enjoying a variety of restaurants, playing in a band, etc.) before he feels comfortable moving to the country. I am in support of this, but don't know if I can stay in the city for many more years.

In summary, the situation is:
-I don't want him to leave the city before he's ready and resent me
-I don't want to stay in the city longer than makes me happy and resent him

This is certainly a different situation from couples who are forced to be apart. But I don't want to ruin our relationship by making a compromise that would leave either of us feeling unfulfilled. We got together when we were quite young, in college, and we are still very compatible and have a strong relationship, but we are now dealing with some different needs that have arisen as we've grown into ourselves, regarding me being raised rural and him being raised urban.

Thus, we have talked about the possibility of a LDR down the road (which could conceivably last years, depending on when he feels ready to move to the country, and would involve 1,700 miles of distance). We don't have to make this decision any time soon since I'm still in school, but I want to start educating myself in advance. Would love to hear about the experiences of others...

[Petals]

Hmm... your situation is quite unique compared to others here.

I think it is actually brave of you to consider doing a LDR marriage but honestly I wouldn't recommend it for an extended period of time. In fact, I wouldn't recommend it all if it's avoidable. It's great that you are both communicating openly about this and maybe a counsellor could help you both come to a decision. This is not a matter to be taken lightly.

I can only suggest that you talk to him about a reasonable time frame for remaining in the city and not just rely on someday he will move back to your hometown. Think in terms of numbers - 5, 10, 15yrs. Marriage is about compromise so you both have to do what is in the best interest of your marriage. You could make frequent trips back home during the time you are living in the city as a means of injecting life into you and filling that void.

Another suggestion is that you move to a different location that offers the comforts of city and rural life. This location could be within easy reach of both lifestyles, so that you can both have access to what you want. Don't get stuck on one location- your hometown. You can continue to rent your house or sell it in the end, but holding on to that location puts you at the other end of the spectrum. The goal is to meet half way so the marriage wins and you feel fulfilled.

All the best

[p_b82]

I was going to say with the vast size of the US I am sure there are plenty of places that do tie in to meeting the requirements you both have.

I only really know a few places, but in upstate NY for example, you can live in the larger towns, and still only be less than an hour away from the Adirondacks.

I don' think either of you should really plan to have a longer term LDR just due to locations, but maybe what you need to do is 'rotate' periodically spend some time in the country and some time in the town's and cities if you can't find something inbetween to the two that works.

[R&R]

Another suggestion is that you move to a different location that offers the comforts of city and rural life. This location could be within easy reach of both lifestyles, so that you can both have access to what you want. Don't get stuck on one location- your hometown. You can continue to rent your house or sell it in the end, but holding on to that location puts you at the other end of the spectrum. The goal is to meet half way so the marriage wins and you feel fulfilled.

This is exactly where my mind went when I read this. I am not a city person. I live in a smaller town on the East Coast. I'm 45 minutes to the mountains and the ocean......and Boston. So I get the quieter, small town life but there is a big city within a short drive. NYC is only 4 1/2 hours away. There are plenty of locations in the US where you could find a situation like this that may meet both of your needs and you can stay together.

[Moon]

Long distance marriage has become more common in the last decade. Usually though, it's because of career paths, and needing to live where your field is strong, but yours is something else.

If you're both extremely independent people, with the time and money for frequent visits, it could be doable for you, if you're sure you both want it that way, but you probably shouldn't leave it as an indefinite time period. Otherwise, compromising somewhere in the middle, like the others above me have suggested, is probably your best bet. You might not get your hometown, and he might have to live in the 'burbs, but that's what marriage is about; compromise Good luck.

[lucybelle]

I know a married couple who live about 3 hours apart (for work reasons) and visit on weekends. They're perfectly happy and don't have plans to close the distance anytime soon. It's definitely something that can work, but I think you lose all the perks of being married. One of which is sharing one rent instead of two!

[whatruckus]

Is there anywhere that you could live where you'd get the best of both worlds? I agree with everyone else that you guys should find a compromise. I live in NJ, Suburbia, as I call it, but I'm still close to the city, while still living in a quiet area.

My SO, lives in Philly. He loves the city life, but at the same time he likes it quiet too. We plan on moving somewhere just outside the city (Philly), or a suburb of Philly so we're still close enough to enjoy the things we like about city life.

I also agree that since you're from the States, it's easier to find areas like these.

[Moon]

but I think you lose all the perks of being married. One of which is sharing one rent instead of two!

Hmmm...LB makes a damn good point there.

[rhabdoviridae]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. We were close-distance for the first six years of our relationship. I got into a professional program 1200 miles away that was my only option. He did not want to relocate with me as his job was solid and there were poor prospects where I was going. So we became LD. We married two years later. We closed the distance at the end of November and are happily together now. At first, I was hurt that he didn't want to come with me. But I realized that it made zero sense for him to leave his well paying job, our friends, his free rent, etc. to come live where he'd have a job that he wouldn't like, and I would be busy with schooling all of the time. It was smart for him to stay behind.

In your situation, I would worry about the difference that would hold you apart. He wants to live in the city, you want to live rurally. It sounds like he's always been a city fellow; moving to a rural location is going to be a culture shock, and he ma not like it. It's great that you still have some time in the city now, but what happens if he decides he doesn't want to live in a rural area or doesn't ever come up with the desire to relocate? Not having a specific end date on distance is an LDR killer; having an end-date gives you an anchor, a light at the end of the tunnel when the going gets tough. Some people make it without an end date, but for me, having been CD like you two are now, it's hard.

My best advice would be to find a compromise; a suburban area, or a rural area that is a reasonable drive to a nearby city.

[Dwessie]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. We were close-distance for the first six years of our relationship. I got into a professional program 1200 miles away that was my only option. He did not want to relocate with me as his job was solid and there were poor prospects where I was going. So we became LD. We married two years later. We closed the distance at the end of November and are happily together now. At first, I was hurt that he didn't want to come with me. But I realized that it made zero sense for him to leave his well paying job, our friends, his free rent, etc. to come live where he'd have a job that he wouldn't like, and I would be busy with schooling all of the time. It was smart for him to stay behind.

In your situation, I would worry about the difference that would hold you apart. He wants to live in the city, you want to live rurally. It sounds like he's always been a city fellow; moving to a rural location is going to be a culture shock, and he ma not like it. It's great that you still have some time in the city now, but what happens if he decides he doesn't want to live in a rural area or doesn't ever come up with the desire to relocate? Not having a specific end date on distance is an LDR killer; having an end-date gives you an anchor, a light at the end of the tunnel when the going gets tough. Some people make it without an end date, but for me, having been CD like you two are now, it's hard.

My best advice would be to find a compromise; a suburban area, or a rural area that is a reasonable drive to a nearby city.

My Aunt and Uncle live about 30 minutes away from me, we live in the city (But on the edge of it) and they live in a neighboring town. Everywhere I lived has had a ton of towns like the one they are in. Little small communities that all are clustered around big cities. Heck when I lived in Missouri I found like 8 of them that were just attached to Kansas City.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, those little "metropolitan area" neighborhoods are super awesome and there are more of them than you might think! I bet it'd work really well for you guys,