Not feeling the love

[sarbear]

Hey all,

I don't really post much, so a little bit about me. I am a grad student in LA and my boyfriend is in Portland finishing up his undergrad. We have been together and LD for 15 months now, and usually it's never been an issue. This last trip during new years, I went through his phone and saw a text message I did not want to see. Given, I shouldn't have looked through his phone but I was also feeling insecure about myself and wanted some reassurance I guess that I wouldn't find anything. Well, I did. He had sent a text to his best friend a few weeks prior to my arrival, drunk might I add, asking if he should stay with me or try with this other girl. Reading this of course, I was devastated and confronted him. He said it was nothing, he doesn't know why he was thinking of her (apparently they used to talk before we met), and blah blah blah. It was hard, and still is hard, thinking he doesn't want to be with me, although he keeps reassuring me he does. I decided to give him another chance, a chance to mend the trust and rebuild our relationship and what not. Its a week and a half later and I'm not feeling loved or reassured. Our loving text messages have slowed down and I don't feel wanted emotionally or physically. I'm not sure if this is because of what has happened or because we are moving out of the "honeymoon" phase. I'm not sure. He swears he loves me, and sees a future with me, and wants to marry me and all of that. But now I have a hard time believing him when he says those things, because he said them before and still was asking if he should be with me or another girl. And now that I don't feel as loved or wanted, it's all getting worse. I'm not sure how to get him to put more effort in, or else this won't work. I tell him I don't feel loved or wanted and he tells me otherwise. But I don't need him to tell me, I need him to show me. And he hasn't. I don't really know what to do. Given, it has only been over a week since this all happened but I feel like he should be trying harder than ever right now, then not trying at all. He's coming to visit this weekend, so I'm curious to see how that goes.

Any words of wisdom on what to do?

[The_gentle_Hart]

There's always the possibility of bringing it to his attention one last time and setting an ultimatum. Make it clear that you don't feel loved and you worry that you're drifting apart. If the relationship means as much to him as he says it does, he should be willing to step up and work with you to make your relationship a supportive and loving place for both of you.

No matter what course of action you take, please remember that you deserve to be loved, cherished, and considered in a relationship and if you're not feeling loved/cherished emotionally/physically/romantically, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate.

[Sarah96]

There's always the possibility of bringing it to his attention one last time and setting an ultimatum. Make it clear that you don't feel loved and you worry that you're drifting apart. If the relationship means as much to him as he says it does, he should be willing to step up and work with you to make your relationship a supportive and loving place for both of you.

No matter what course of action you take, please remember that you deserve to be loved, cherished, and considered in a relationship and if you're not feeling loved/cherished emotionally/physically/romantically, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate.

I mostly agree with this, except for the ultimatum part. Ultimatums should be used as the last option, but it seems like you have plenty of options before resorting to that. Long distance is difficult, you've been together over a year now, is it possible that he just isn't dealing with the distance very well and he was going to a friend for support or advice? Was it only one text or a whole conversation? I had doubts about my relationship at times and asked a friend if I should stay with my boyfriend or try with a guy I knew that lived only a few minutes away. It was just something said between friends, it didn't mean anything, just confusion about being long distance. I think without understanding everything that was happening it's hard to judge the text. Also, people have different love languages. You need to be shown that he loves you while he might think that just saying it is okay, my boyfriend and I also had an issues like this at one point. We had to discuss our expectations in the relationship along with the way we communicate and how we like to be told we are loved/appreciated. After we had that conversation everything was resolved and my insecurities of not being loved or wanted went away. Also, I would suggest not accusing him of not loving you. If you are consistently saying that you don't think he loves you when he IS reassuring you and telling you he does, it may lead him to think he shouldn't since you're saying he doesn't.

It really all comes down to communication. You need to sit down and have a full conversation about how you are feeling and make sure he tells you how he is feeling. It's important for you two to understand each other and your love languages. If after talking and trying to figure everything out and understand each others' feelings you don't feel like he is helping to strengthen the relationship, that is when you should be giving him an ultimatum. I wish you two the best!

[differentcountries]

You deserve love, but not to sneek into his phone. His phone is his privat property. The thing is also, if he expresses doubts to a friend, you will never be able to get the full context of their conversation. In a way, you have now punished yourself and found out that sneeking around doesn't bring you any good. Also, if I was with a girlf who felt she could justify sneeking into my phone, I am not sure I would "feel the love" - from you. Because to me, love means respecting boundries and privacy.

We have been together the same ammount of time as you have, we are growing comfortable and sometimes that means not being as close (all the time). Sometimes things are boring, and I don't "feel the love". But we always have goals together, which for us means especially our flat, our cat and planning visits. That way, even when we are exhausted and want to be alone (which happens a lot, since we are both introverts) we know what we do it for each other and for our common future.

What to do: Apologize for reading his texts (if you have no done so already). Be clever about things - if you want him to show you love, show him love first. I am sure you have become a bit lazy yourself (I know I have, I have not worked on a book for him in 4 months time), so snap out of your sorry for yourself mood and make sure he feels really, really loved. If he still doesn't come around to show you love in the way you expect, he might need a little instruction - or you can throw out ultimatums, but rather, just talk together about the change that has happened and what you want with your relationship now and in the future.

[p_b82]

As others have said, I think you are reaping the consequences of betraying his trust and invading his privacy. you had no right to look at it, I did something similar with my ex and found things I didn't want to see after she had dumped me (in this case it was lining up a number of encounters for when she was able to end it).

relationships take work, they are not easy (I am going through a rough patch myself right now) and you need to make sure that you are not demanding a whole load of things that are not being returned in kind. He has told you he loves you, but you are saying you don't believe him - ask yourself why? You are creating the distance here, and pushing yourself away for whatever reason. if you keep doing this, you will distance him too, and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I have conversations with my close friends about my fears and insecurities, and whether I should continue in an LDR that is probably going to alienate me from my father, who is dying - to question things at times is normal.... and he did it when drunk and it was a one off. you are reading far to much into that is my opinion there.

I think you need to take responsibility for your actions, and your emotional insecurity and work to regain his trust, and show him that you love him as much as he loves you....

Good luck

[Honour]

I hate ultimatums with a passion. So avoid that form of action at all costs, unless it's the ONLY option. Granted, you did let yourself in for some mischief when you looked at his phone, and personally, no matter how tempting it might be, it ruins the relationship in a certain manner. So, apologise (as was mentioned by DC) if you haven't already. Then, since he's coming to visit soon, see if you can bring the conversation round. If not then, then most certainly before. You deserve to be happy, but so does he. And trust, once broken somewhat, is hard to repair.

[Miasmata]

If you are already invading his privacy by looking into his phone, that shows that there are already huge trust issues. Not sure if you can still bridge this, but you should by all means try - With an open, honest and respectful conversation. Settle the situation fair and square, because you both deserve honesty. No ultimatum can substitute clear communication.

[The_gentle_Hart]

re: Ultimatum

Whoops, I assumed that this was a long-term on-going issue...normally I'm not one for ultimatums.
Sorry about that, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions

I agree with Honour and Sarah, communication is key and so is trust!