how best to resolve issues in an LDR

[p_b82]

Evening LFAD....

I am wondering if the general population here are able to give some advice as to how best to solve a problem in an LDR, when communication is at all all time low.

I let my GF know on monday (via hangouts) that I am not happy right now in the relationship, as I felt it is was not balanced and I was giving and putting in a lot more than I was getting back and it was unsustainable.

This was sparked by her 'vanishing' on Friday just before I went to bed, and nothing until I was asleep again on Saturday, Sunday was monosylabic answers until we got in an argument and she vanished again until Monday AM as she got ready for work.

I didn't hear much from her all day, and so on Tuesday I sent her an email - it was a fairly brutal one, but how I feel, and how certain things she does winds me up. I followed it up with a peace offering today, trying to explain why I am feeling the way I am, but taking the character assassination out of it.

I realise that the first email may have been a mistake now, but it is sent, it is how I feel, and I knew I could not go on without saying or doing something....

However here is the problem, I am being given the silent treatment - apart from one hangouts message to acknowledge the email, I have heard nothing from her in over 24hrs again.

It is driving me potty not knowing where I stand, but there is nothing I can do to make her talk to me at this moment either, so have to just ride it out.

How do you all deal with conflict, I preach a number of times myself, communication is key, but that is one of the roots of our problems right now, so can't follow my own advice...

If no advice can be offered, I'll take virtual hugs, as I am not sure that we will get through this 'bump' as it a recurrent theme that has been slowly bubbling and building...

[Redheart14]

Tough one. I'd say she needs to stop the silent treatment but unfortunately for you she hasn't. Yes communication is the key, especially in long distance. I guess you need to wait it out and then tell her that behaving like this (silent treatment) isn't acceptable so she doesn't try this again. I really feel for you, I hope it resolves itself quickly.

[The_gentle_Hart]

Yeah, I agree, I think maybe waiting it out is the best course of action for now....
I'm so sorry, p_b82

*virtual hugs*

[Unicorn26]

Oh dear. I feel for you I really do. The Silent Treatment is awful at the best of times but in LDR it's just unbearable.

I'm so sorry she's treating you this way, it's really not ok to do this when communication is so important. We all have differences and arguments and I've fallen out with my SO and been on the receiving end of it too. When he finally came round I explained how hurtful it was and how helpless I felt to do anything about it. Now, when we argue (thankfully not that often these days) he will say "I need some quiet time" or something similar but no matter how bad it is we always check in.

There's nothing you cab do for now, you will just have to wait it out. If you feel you want to say something to her then do, she will hopefully start to calm down soon. I really hood you guys work this out Hugs

[differentcountries]

I find that the best way to reach someone is to focus on the connection. That doesn't mean to brush other things aside but that everything is tied up with the connection. Tell the facts. Take responsability for your own way of responding. Examine which emotional needs you are trying to fill. Determine if there is some concrete suggestion you can make to better the relationship for the both of you.

[Moon]

I sometimes think that "communication is key" is a phrase used way too often here as a sort of an easy response for people looking for advice, and you can see it can be much easier said than done, unfortunately. I think that, though she's acting quite immaturely, you need to just back off completely for a few days, and let things cool down. When you do talk again, because I'm sure she'll contact you before very long, don't start in right away with wanting to talk about the situation, let her know that it needs to be talked about within a day or two though, then try (if possible) to have a normal conversation, and catch up from the last few days. Try getting both of you to relax with each other and get some of the good feelings going again. Decide when you'll have the conversation, then do it. This way you both know it's coming and you can prepare what you each want to say, after having had some time to really reflect on it, without freshly hurt feelings and lashing out in anger (like your email )

Of course, she may not be OK with this, it sounds like she may be a bit emotionally stunted as far as communicating, but if she's willing to grow a bit, you'll probably be OK. I tend to withdraw when hurt, my guy knows this, and knows when I'm too quiet to ask me what's up. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out each others quirks, no matter how well the communication is. Good luck.

[Hollandia]

I agree that really you have reached out to her and she needs to be a mature responsible adult and contact you. If she does not, then it does not sound like she is not willing to make the effort to make your relationship work. It should not be one sided, or it will fail. Does she have a temper? Do you think she will contact you after she cools off or are you afraid she won't contact you again? There is also the possibility that she wanted out and was passive aggressively planting the seeds for it. If you love someone, you don't blow them off. You work it out.

[Petals]

At this juncture, take a step back and wait for her to contact you.

May I suggest that in the future avoid 'character assassinations' - your words lol. Try to have conversations about serious issues via phone/video chats since print sometimes misconstrue our intentions/meaning. I know you were just frustrated since she wasn't available, but always try to take a step back and focus on the end goal which is to reach an understanding and not to be right.

Anyways, sounds like she's not prioritising the relationship at the moment. Give her space and the truth will emerge.

Hang in there

[Wolv]

I can relate as me and my SO have had our ups and downs over the past couple of years. I don't have anything to add to what has already been said but I think you should tell her what you are feeling and then give her space and refrain from talking to her for a few days, just give her space until she is ready to talk about what has been going on and why she has been treating you the way she has been. Hopefully after a few days have passed you'll both have time to think and have a meaningful conversation to get everything out, and figure out a way to fix those issues.

[p_b82]

Thanks all....

What was said is what I expected, we have challenges around communication at the best of times, and this is a topic that we do not see eye to eye on at the best of times, and I realised that it was just not working for me to continue in the same vein.

I have worded the email in a way that it was 'I feel' and the like, but deep down I know how she would have taken it, I would have done the same.

If I could have spoken to her about it on the phone I would have done, but we rarely do, and I've only video called her once - and that was because she accidentally turned the camera on lol.

I hate being cut out, she knows how cutting me out makes me feel at the best of times, so this is doubly tough. I've put a time limit on things in my head if I don't hear anything at all, even if it is a 'I need more time' I am going to cut my losses and try to move on, I still might even if I do hear from her... gnah.... relationships..... gnah..... lol

[p_b82]

Well, I have at least had a communication from her, just now, even though it was just to tell me that she needs more time, but she nearly has worked out what she wants to say.... the agony of waiting continues, but at least hopefully it will not be too much longer...

[Hollandia]

Well, I have at least had a communication from her, just now, even though it was just to tell me that she needs more time, but she nearly has worked out what she wants to say.... the agony of waiting continues, but at least hopefully it will not be too much longer...

That is a great to hear she got back to you, I hope your wait is not too long.

[Honour]

Well, I have at least had a communication from her, just now, even though it was just to tell me that she needs more time, but she nearly has worked out what she wants to say.... the agony of waiting continues, but at least hopefully it will not be too much longer...

-_- was my expression when I read this thread. I can't STAND the silent treatment. Even if I'm feeling like hell on Earth, I'll still let my SO know something is up and don't wanna speak. She's really taking the mickey now, and is being so unfair to you. I hope whatever she has to say... it's good.

[p_b82]

-_- was my expression when I read this thread. I can't STAND the silent treatment. Even if I'm feeling like hell on Earth, I'll still let my SO know something is up and don't wanna speak. She's really taking the mickey now, and is being so unfair to you. I hope whatever she has to say... it's good.

No I don't like it either - my ex used it as a weapon and so even if it is not intended that way by my GF I can't help but taking it in a way she might not actually directly intend.

Whichever way the conversation goes when it starts properly, it will be for the best; I will at least know where I stand one way or the other!

[randomnerd]

I'm glad she finally broke the silence. Whatever she says, I think it's good that you let her know how you were feeling. There's no reason for you to "suffer in silence", so to speak. Just try to see her point of view, she may have been stunned by your email, depending on the wording. You can tell her it wasn't intended to hurt her but you had to say how you feel. <<virtual hug>>