I need help please.

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

My girlfriend lives 900 miles away from me. We have been dating for eight months now, but my work and her college keeps us apart. I love her with all of my heart, and have traveled the 900 miles 3 times in the past five months to stay with her for a week or so at a time. Now the back history of my problem, which I will try to make as short as possible, is that from the time our relationship began I knew that she had almost exclusively guy friends. I had no problem with this, and have never considered myself a jealous person. It did start to bother me that she frequently stayed the night at a guy friends dorm with 3+ guys and her being the only girl, while all of them get hammered. I had an eerie feeling about it, as many of them were single. Eventually the worst did happen, she got so drunk she was immobile on the couch and one of her "close friends" groped her while she was lying there, and she was too drunk to protest. Now since this incident she hasn't been around that guy anymore, but just this last Friday she spent the night at the same dorm and got really drunk with three guys, two of which she just met and are single. Now that this previous incident occurred I have this nagging paranoia in the back of my head saying that if one of the guys she trusted did it before, why couldn't these guys she just met do it? It's really bothering me and putting strain on the relationship, but I'm afraid to come off as controlling by bringing it up. I love her so much and don't want to control her social life, but if I had three single, attractive females stay in my room for the night and we all got wasted, and I had done it many times before and at one point had a girl take advantage of my inebriated state, I can't help but feel she would be uncomfortable as well. Thank you so much for your help, I just really need some reassurance before I talk to her about this, but I really need to it has been causing me so much anxiety and insecurity.

[Moon]

Your girlfriend is playing a dangerous game, and you are right to worry. It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, everybody does, but to drink heavily with guys you've just met, and sleeping over without any girlfriends around?? No fucking way. She is going to get more than just groped. Unfortunately, I'm not sure she'll listen to you, no matter how gently and sensibly you put it, she'll turn it around on you, saying you're jealous and controlling.

What she's doing is incredibly, incredibly stupid and irresponsible. Do you know her girlfriends? Is there anyone you can talk to who might speak with her on your behalf? I'm sorry, I wish I had a better idea for you, I hope though that maybe I'm wrong, and she'll listen to you. Just let her know how much you're afraid for her, and that you need her to be safe. Good luck

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

She has no girlfriends, literally none. I'm fine with her hanging out with these guys, but she is staying in a small dorm with them, drinking all night and then they all sleep in the same room. It's driving me mad, and the only reason it scares me so much is because she was taken advantage of once before. This is my first LDR, and my self confidence has been crushed lately because I am not there to satisfy her, emotionally, sexually, etc. My anxiety has been through the roof and I just want to relay to her how I feel without becoming one of her crazy controlling boyfriends that she's had before. The situation just seems like a ticking time-bomb to me, and she's been doing this every Friday. She goes back to college on the 26th, and I feel I need to address it before she lives right by them and it starts becoming a regular thing again, even more so than just on Fridays.

[Hollandia]

As a parent of a daughter close to her age. To put it blunt, that scares the crap out of me. I am not saying, nor would I ever say, she would deserve it but she is setting herself up for a full on rape situation with one or several male "friends", alcohol makes you the quickest BFFs sometimes. She could be facing an unwanted pregnancy, an STD possibly even AIDS or worse if some guy decides after the fact he wants no witnesses. Fun is great and I love to party too, but what she is doing is dangerous and very much so.

This is not about nagging, this is about is her risking her life worth for this? Go back to your own dorm, I don't see how she could think this is okay and if she is still doing it after being groped, then sorry but I think it runs deeper, IE, she likes this type of attention from them. You need to have guidelines in a relationship, which each partner is okay with and if she won't stop, you need to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker or not. It would be for me, without a doubt.

Have a talk and work out between the two of you what is acceptable for you both and if she won't stop, then go find 3 single attractive female friends to have sleep overs with. What is good for the goose is good for the gander and maybe she will understand what it would be like to walk a mile in your shoes and willing to compromise on her sleeping habits, which btw are a bit more than just her "social activities". It's not a head game either, just be completely upfront about it all, if you can't tell her how you feel then it is not that strong of a relationship.

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

This comment helped a lot, I have met one of her good friends in person, and we bonded pretty well I trust him. But it was also at his dorm that she was taken advantage of before, and he has these random guys come and go. I am not perfect, I have severe depression and I tend to be a problem drinker/smoker(cigarettes) but she has come to me with her concerns on my habits and I have been doing my damndest to cut back and be better for her. I have always gone to her with all my problems/concerns but with this situation, and especially since her previous relationship was with a highly jealous and controlling borderline psychopath, I worry that she will think that's what i'm doing and be upset. I am moving in with her this June permanently, but I don't think I can take the stress that her doing this constantly puts on me. This past Friday she texted me the whole time she was with them, but around 2am she was so drunk she could no longer even form coherent sentences to text me, and I just got hammered and fell asleep crying. I love her so much, and I truly believe she is my soul mate, but I'm terrified of pushing her away from me, because as I've said this long distance is making me feel very self conscious about not being able to satisfy her, while she is surrounded by better looking, single men who stay the night with her and get drunk.

[Hollandia]

She is playing a dangerous game. Women get gang raped and murdered in these types of situations. Once she is rocked, any group of random guys can read things wrong or worse. She is putting her whole future at risk.

[Moon]

This really isn't about you being able to satisfy her, we're all at least somewhat dissatisfied in an LDR, it's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid. If she loves you, it's not that big of a deal. What is a big deal is the situation she's putting herself in, I'm very afraid for her. If she wants to stay out drinking with the guys, fine, but I think you should put your foot down in that she HAS to sleep in her own room. If you look like a dick, then you look like a dick, but you're a dick who's protecting her, even if it makes you falsely look like the bad guy. If you love her, stop worrying about yourself and how YOU feel, and try taking care of and protecting her as best you can from far away. You're too worried about her cheating when you should be concerned about her getting raped, please, for her sake, say something. Make it clear the sleepovers are not acceptable, and if she knows you at all, she'll know you aren't trying to be controlling.

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

I agree. I'm going to try to find the confidence to bring it up tonight. We just bounced back from a fight that lasted a few days, so I'm wary of rocking the ship again, but it needs to be done, for the relationships sake. Although I'm confident in our love, if the relationship would shatter by me simply stating my feelings concerns, in a non acussational or aggressive way than there are more problems than this that would need to be addressed anyway.

[Hollandia]

I agree. I'm going to try to find the confidence to bring it up tonight. We just bounced back from a fight that lasted a few days, so I'm wary of rocking the ship again, but it needs to be done, for the relationships sake. Although I'm confident in our love, if the relationship would shatter by me simply stating my feelings concerns, in a non acussational or aggressive way than there are more problems than this that would need to be addressed anyway.

Show her the thread if you think that will help. I wish you luck, keep us updated.

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

I know what you mean, the way I worded it all probably makes it sound a bit self centered, but that's just because I was mid panic attack writing this. Trust me, I don't think she will cheat on me, I trust her completely, I don't trust them. I am worried about her well being and someone hurting her or taking advantage of her being asleep, or passed out. I am going to let her know that I will not have any more of the sleepovers, her dorm is 10 minutes away from his, and although it's break she can still stay in her own for the night. Thanks man.

[Hollandia]

I know what you mean, the way I worded it all probably makes it sound a bit self centered, but that's just because I was mid panic attack writing this. Trust me, I don't think she will cheat on me, I trust her completely, I don't trust them. I am worried about her well being and someone hurting her or taking advantage of her being asleep, or passed out. I am going to let her know that I will not have any more of the sleepovers, her dorm is 10 minutes away from his, and although it's break she can still stay in her own for the night. Thanks man.

You are quite welcome, btw me and Moon are Wo- man. If that matters. I have been a teenage girl and so I made some dangerous mistakes at the time, one got me date raped. I just hope she can learn from my mistake and not go down the same path. I also, only hung out with my guy co-workers one night at their frat house after drinking after hours at the college bar we all worked at and I originally had a few more females with me, but I was drunk and dumb and stayed when the rest left and paid the price.

[differentcountries]

She may be your soul mate, but she is also an insecure, lonely, attention-seeking teenage girl putting herself at constant risk and forcing you to watch. Her friends doesn't sound genuine, more like drinking buddies. The fact that her "best friend" doesn't learn from the sexual assault experience and changes his party form just goes to show these people like to drink more than they like to support eah other. I had ONE friend who drank too much and was a little bit indecent with women at one of my parties, I banned him forever from my parties to protect my other friends. A friend of a friend tried to grope me at an afterparty when I was 19 is also the part of the reason I am not friends with her today - she kept bad friends and she failed me, she invited me to drink with him even though this guy had been in court for sexual assault. There are some - let us say psyco - folk around, and your gf has been drawn to them previously, I don't think she knows how to avoid them when she is hammered.

Because your gf's previous relationship was with a highly jealus and controlling borderline psycopath, she never learned how to properly take care of herself, nor discuss borders in a relationship, and her ex is a card she can use against you forever and ever because if you try to protest she will just tell you you are like her psyco, jealous ex. Never mind that she can cheat on you, that is the least of your problems right now! - she is showing major self-harm traits, and you are not taking this seriously because you pettily worry you can't "satisfy" her. Man, noone can "satisfy" her right now, she just wants to drink the pain away - and so do you.

If you want this relationship, you have a major job ahead of you. Her behavoir is not about your relationship, it is about her and whatever inside her that makes her not take care of herself. If you are also drinking when you feel pain, you need to get help for your own sake and hers. You can't teach her any new coping skills unless you have any.

[Unicorn26]

Agree with everything that's been said here.

Unfortunately at that age you think it's never gonna happen to you. I thought that too, I was wrong. I had lots of guy friends, I was horribly naive and paid the price big time....

Alcohol clouds judgement. She is putting herself in a very dangerous situation. You are not over reacting at all, or bring controlling. You are looking out for her because you love and care about her.

Please talk it's her about this, before it's too late....

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

After reading long distance relationship articles for the last hour, I realized that jealousy and worrying about your SO partying with other guys is completely natural, along with your very helpful comments here I have gained the confidence to talk to her tonight. Thank you all and I promise I will post the result of our conversation later, good or bad.

P.S. Hollandia and Wolf sorry about the gender assumption I didn't see the tag for your gender anywhere x)

[Moon]

After reading long distance relationship articles for the last hour, I realized that jealousy and worrying about your SO partying with other guys is completely natural, along with your very helpful comments here I have gained the confidence to talk to her tonight. Thank you all and I promise I will post the result of our conversation later, good or bad.

P.S. Hollandia and Wolf sorry about the gender assumption I didn't see the tag for your gender anywhere x)

LOL, you're awfully cute! It's Moon, though I get why you think it's Wolf That's a direwolf from Game of Thrones, I had to take my pic down because of a very unstable former member, and that's the best I could come up with at the time. I might wanna rethink that, hee hee.

Anyway, I think you get it, and I think you're going to handle this maturely and well. You listen to the advice you're given, and that's a really good sign.