I need help please.

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

Haha I am very familiar with GOT, quite the avid fan myself That's the reason I created this account today in the first place, to get some help and advice, and utilize that advice to further my relationship and make it stronger. After the last visit with her the flood of LDR emotions started sweeping in, and this is my first experience with it all. I just wanted to make sure I handle our issues in a way that is beneficial in the long run, not destructive, because I am painfully aware of every second we are apart. The thought of holding her, hugging her, and looking into her beautiful eyes again still gives me butterflies, and in my opinion that is sure as hell worth fighting for. Thanks Moon

[p_b82]

missed the party here, but I just wanted to add that I will echo the other advice given.

If she does not appreciate the very sound warning that she is putting herself in danger, then there is nothing more you can do to help.

hopefully she sees where this behaviour is leading her, works out why she is doing it, and stops taking such a big risk.

[TaraMarie]

I agree with what everyone Elsa has said. She's setting herself up for big trouble. Aside from that, it took me 50 years to understand when you truly love someone you don't do things to hurt them. Aside from the fact that she could be physically harmed, she is putting you under tremendous pressure. She should respect YOUR feelings and put an end to this childish, attention seeking behavior, not only for herself but for your peace of mind.

[Happygirl123]

As everyone here has already stated, you must discuss your concerns with her, in a serious, firm (but not aggressive) manner. This isn't right, not only for your relationship, but clearly for her own health and safety. She must learn how to love herself, before she can love others.

[Dziubka]

First of:
I'm incredibly sorry for what happened to your girlfriend. It's unfair and gross that things like being groped and worse are so freaking normal in our society.

I understand that you're worried about her - and I hope it's really just being worried about her wellbeing rather than jealousy (sorry, but your comment about them being better looking is raising suspicion) - and it's unfortunately probably justified. But I don't really think it's your place to tell her who to party with or where to sleep after a party. You can explain to her that and why you think what she's doing is unsafe and what she could do to make it safer. Take a girlfriend with her (are there really NO other girls she wants to party with?), not get pass out drunk, etc. Although it's sad that she should be required to do all that.

This really isn't about you being able to satisfy her, we're all at least somewhat dissatisfied in an LDR, it's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid. If she loves you, it's not that big of a deal. What is a big deal is the situation she's putting herself in, I'm very afraid for her. If she wants to stay out drinking with the guys, fine, but I think you should put your foot down in that she HAS to sleep in her own room. If you look like a dick, then you look like a dick, but you're a dick who's protecting her, even if it makes you falsely look like the bad guy. If you love her, stop worrying about yourself and how YOU feel, and try taking care of and protecting her as best you can from far away. You're too worried about her cheating when you should be concerned about her getting raped, please, for her sake, say something. Make it clear the sleepovers are not acceptable, and if she knows you at all, she'll know you aren't trying to be controlling.

I disagree with part of your posting, even though I get where you're coming from and understand what you're saying.
If she's unaware of the risks (which I highly doubt) then it could be the OP's place to make her aware of them. But what risks she wants to take is ultimately her decision. Expecting her not to sleep in a room with them is not only making the OP look like a dick, it's making him a dick. He can tell her that he's uncomfortable with it because he's jealous or because it's unsafe and what would make him more comfortable. Then she can decide whether she takes that into account or changes her actions. And then he in turn can decide whether he's ok with her reaction and either they'll live happily ever after, because she decided that going back to sleep to her own room is a small sacrifice for her boyfriend's comfort or he can decide that if she's not even willing to make such a small sacrifice than she obviously cares about drinking more than about him and he can't accept that.

Yes, it's more complicated than "put your foot down!", but really his girlfriend may be 18, but what risks she wants to take in life is up to her. I'm not saying it's wise or she should keep doing it (I sort of agree with differentcountries that it seems self harming), but the OP is not her therapist. It seems like she might need to speak to a professional (and that is something the OP can suggest to her and help her with).

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

Just so you all know, I talked to her last night and we set some boundaries, and had a really wonderful talk. She wasn't upset in the slightest, and was completely willing to work with me on it. Thank you all for your help, and putting up with my upset state yesterday. There is much more to the story than I even posted, and it was months worth of these situations boiling over into a mass of unpleasant emotions. This forum seems to be a great tool for this, as this is all new territory for me (LDR) and I want to make it as healthy a situation as possible until I am finally with her.

[SlightlyAgitatedPrimate]

Also, she is 21 years old

[Hollandia]

Good to hear, I hope she stays safe.

[Honour]

Also, she is 21 years old

My age then xD I can add my own experience to this...

I was reckless one night whilst drinking. I wasn't with my SO at the time, however I WAS at a nightclub with friends, and friends of friends. We'd been drinking into the early hours of the morning, I was totally gone, and I remember for a brief moment losing track of my friends. I got groped by a guy, who then proceeded to grind up against me. Then I got hugged. And then, because I was totally sozzled, I bulldozed him out the way and ran for it, laughing the entire way!

I learned my lesson. I still go to nightclubs, but I always make myself aware as possible, even whilst inebriated. I can't drink that much anymore anyway, but that's besides the point. OP, I'm glad you managed to have a chat with her. Good luck to you, and just wanted to say, your username made me giggle!

[Hollandia]

I read this thread and think about poor Natalie Holloway and how she ended up with a murderer because she wanted to stay out partying and not go home with her friends at the end of the night and simply chose to go back out drinking with two male strangers. If only her friends had stopped her.

Stranger danger is not just for little kids and predators look for young attractive drunk women all the time.

[differentcountries]

Yes, drinking in your youth is so much fun. I bet we all have funny stories that we tell ourselves and our friends. Getting sexually assaulted while being passed out of alchohol is no laughing matter though. The fact that she is 21 only makes it worse, at least a teen has an excuse to be experimental and reckless.

The way OP has decribed his girlfriend, she goes a little beyong the usual once-in-a-while-reckless-youth. And still - like a miriacle, she is going to CHANGE, even with a happy face.... That would be wonderful, exept her past and present tells her she has got more conflict going for her than most youth, so her path is not just something she can give up easily. Her easy willingness tells me she is not speaking the truth - even if you have a good plan it is hard and very unpleasant while you do it. Russel Brand said in his tv documentory: the hardest thing is actually just feeling the feelings. You know, all the feelings she is trying to escape. The fact that she is not rebelling means she is not taking change seriously. You have a hard time seeing the extent of her problem, because you share it. You literally drink to cope with her drinking. And so you both happily agree this isn't really THAT big a problem, and that it will soon be fixed.

It may be that your immidiate problem goes away. Perhaps she can become a nice, mostly coping alcoholic. She can even stop drinking and switch to pills, or food, or cutting. Because, you know, that is usually what people do, unless they feel so awful about the situation that they contact someone proffessional to help them actually stop self-harming and learn some more mature coping skills.

[Dziubka]

I read this thread and think about poor Natalie Holloway and how she ended up with a murderer because she wanted to stay out partying and not go home with her friends at the end of the night and simply chose to go back out drinking with two male strangers. If only her friends had stopped her.

Stranger danger is not just for little kids and predators look for young attractive drunk women all the time.

Just because I really can't stand the rhetorics and no one should ever even go there:

She didn't "end up with a murderer because she wanted to stay out partying and not go ome with her friends", she ended up murdered (most likely?) because someone freaking murdered her.

[80anthea]

Yes, drinking in your youth is so much fun. I bet we all have funny stories that we tell ourselves and our friends. Getting sexually assaulted while being passed out of alchohol is no laughing matter though. The fact that she is 21 only makes it worse, at least a teen has an excuse to be experimental and reckless.

There's increasing evidence that the brain is not mature until at least 25.

[Hollandia]

Just because I really can't stand the rhetorics and no one should ever even go there:

She didn't "end up with a murderer because she wanted to stay out partying and not go ome with her friends", she ended up murdered (most likely?) because someone freaking murdered her.

That is ridiculous. She would have been safe and sound if she had not gone out with the two of them. You line is thinking is dangerous. I was date raped and it happened because I was drunk and dumb and went to a frat house with co workers and at the end of the night when my friends left I stayed. I stayed drunk off my ass in a house of drunken frat college guys and so one of the bar backs from my work forced himself in on me in a way that not be done without lubrication and it was degrading and insanely painful and you think my staying at that house had nothing to do with it? You think a person that would rape and murder would not look for people who put themselves in that situation? You are fooling yourself.

Do you think if you leave your car unlocked in a bad part of town you are putting it at risk compared to locked up in your parking space at home? It is all well and good to claim you should be able to do as you please and if any harm happens to you it was only at the fault of your attacker but the smart prey avoids the predator and your way of thinking is going to cause more people to fall prey. You don't like me, and I don't care but you are completely off base here. It's called self preservation, you don't put yourself in harms way, the OPs SO was and sorry but Natalie Holloway did and I did. Neither of them or me deserved any harm ,but we all contributed to causing that to happen.

[Dziubka]

That is ridiculous. She would have been safe and sound if she had not gone out with the two of them. You line is thinking is dangerous. I was date raped and it happened because I was drunk and dumb and went to a frat house with co workers and at the end of the night when my friends left I stayed. I stayed drunk off my ass in a house of drunken frat college guys and so one of the bar backs from my work forced himself in on me in a way that not be done without lubrication and it was degrading and insanely painful and you think my staying at that house had nothing to do with it? You think a person that would rape and murder would not look for people who put themselves in that situation? You are fooling yourself.

Do you think if you leave your car unlocked in a bad part of town you are putting it at risk compared to locked up in your parking space at home? It is all well and good to claim you should be able to do as you please and if any harm happens to you it was only at the fault of your attacker but the smart prey avoids the predator and your way of thinking is going to cause more people to fall prey. You don't like me, and I don't care but you are completely off base here. It's called self preservation, you don't put yourself in harms way, the OPs SO was and sorry but Natalie Holloway did and I did. Neither of them or me deserved any harm ,but we all contributed to causing that to happen.

Yes, she would probably have been safe and sound had she not gone out with the strangers. But it doesn't make saying "She was murdered, because she went out with them" ok. I'm not telling anyone to go out and get smash drunk with randos. I'm saying that getting smash drunk with randos isn't the reason women get raped or murdered. Everyone should do their best to stay save. But putting it the way you did is EXTREMELY harmful and victim blaming. It's not an attack on you personally and I would have said the same if anyone else had written that. That very way of thinking is making it difficult for women to report rape, because they keep blaming themselves.

You weren't date raped because you stayed drunk off your ass in a house with drunk frat guys. You were raped, because some asshole guy thought it was ok to rape you. I'm really genuinly sorry if you think otherwise and I hope you'll understand that it was none of your fault.
Again, yes, it probably wouldn't have happened if you had gone home or not gotten drunk. But that wasn't the reason that it happened. You have every right (given that you're of age) to get drunk of you ass and stay anywhere you want (if the host is ok with that obviously).
If I never leave my house, I greatly reduce the likelyhood of me getting raped. But if I leave the house and get raped, it's not because I left the house.

The problem is NOT women getting drunk or going places with strangers. The problem is strangers raping them.

I never said, and I'll never say, that taking precautions is wrong. I make sure my friends get home safely after we go out together, I try my best to not get myself into unnecessary dangerous situations, BUT I can do all that and still know that my or my girl friends' behaviour is NEVER the problem or reason for a rape.

It's not your acting that I have a problem with. In the end, we probably do/recomend the same things. It's the thinking behind it that I don't and wil never accept and that I will speak out against. Especially on a forum with lots of teenagers.