Dealing with/talking out jealousy

[Pdf3]

My guy is friends with as many girls as he is guys. I trust him completely. 100%. But I do also know that he has one friend whom he has feelings for, and she doesn't feel the same which is why nothing has ever progressed between them. Though I do trust him, the fact that he hangs out with her and doesn't text back while hanging out with her makes me uneasy. I'm not paranoid, I believe that if anything were to happen that he would tell me about it. But my crazy girlfriend buzzer is going off and I don't like it. Do I tell him it bothers me? How do I go about this?

[snow_girl]

My guy is friends with as many girls as he is guys. I trust him completely. 100%. But I do also know that he has one friend whom he has feelings for, and she doesn't feel the same which is why nothing has ever progressed between them. Though I do trust him, the fact that he hangs out with her and doesn't text back while hanging out with her makes me uneasy. I'm not paranoid, I believe that if anything were to happen that he would tell me about it. But my crazy girlfriend buzzer is going off and I don't like it. Do I tell him it bothers me? How do I go about this?

If something is going to happen, he isn't going to tell you about it.

[Pdf3]

If something is going to happen, he isn't going to tell you about it.

With all respect to you, I know my boyfriend and what we have been through. He would tell me if something happened.

[Unconditional]

I would let him know it bothers me a little. only for the fact that it's him that holds the feelings and not vice versa. should she want something with him....would then something happen? that is all too iffy for me.

[The_gentle_Hart]

Idk, I'm a bit on the fence here...

I feel like trust is an important part of a relationship..and that means trusting him to handle himself appropriately and to know when a situation feels not-ok....but if something makes you genuinely feel uncomfortable, trust your gut. Talk it out. Use "I" statements ("I feel..." "When X occurs, I feel Y, because..." ect.).
Being in a relationship means working together and compromising--there should be trust and work coming from both sides.

[Sarah96]

Why does he have feelings for her still if he's with you? I agree with snow_girl... he probably wouldn't tell you if something happened, especially if you KNOW he has feelings for someone else while being with you. You should talk to him about this and decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone that still admits to having feelings for someone else, unless you are open to that. If you are feeling as though there may be something happening, trust your gut.

[Harlequin]

I would feel very hurt if my s/o had feelings for someone else regardless of whether the person returned the feelings or not. I'd absolutely tell him that it bothered me that he continued to hang out with this person, especially if he suddenly stopped talking to me during these visits. Even though he'd be dating me, I'd feel like I was second place. Not to say that he should be rude and text me the entire time, but to just straight-up ignore me when only talking to that one girl? Nah. I wouldn't be okay with that.

If it's making you uncomfortable, talk to him about it. Your comfort and your feelings matter. As for going about it, the_gentle_hart is put it well: don't use accusatory language, and talk it out.

[Pdf3]

Why does he have feelings for her still if he's with you? I agree with snow_girl... he probably wouldn't tell you if something happened, especially if you KNOW he has feelings for someone else while being with you. You should talk to him about this and decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone that still admits to having feelings for someone else, unless you are open to that. If you are feeling as though there may be something happening, trust your gut.

We are a very open couple. Not in the way that we see other people, but that we accept and help each other through everything and are honest about everything. I appreciated that he told me that he still had a bit of feelings for her, but he's also aware that I still hangout with an old fling (just as friends). I trust him enough and he respects me enough to not let anything happen. This I'm sure of. But I don't want to be hypocritical and tell him I don't like him hanging out with her when I still hangout with people I once had feelings for.

[sweetshay]

Honestly, keeping people you still have feelings for around when you're in a relationship is shady. Even more so that he doesn't respond to you when he's with her. Screw that. When you're in a serious, committed relationship compromises need to be made, and if he's putting some other female above you that's just plain shady. He's leaving the door open for something bad to happen since you say "nothing has happened because SHE is not interested." If you've had conversations about this, does he make you feel like you're more important? Like he would drop her in a heartbeat if it really bothered you that much?

[whatruckus]

We are a very open couple. Not in the way that we see other people, but that we accept and help each other through everything and are honest about everything. I appreciated that he told me that he still had a bit of feelings for her, but he's also aware that I still hangout with an old fling (just as friends). I trust him enough and he respects me enough to not let anything happen. This I'm sure of. But I don't want to be hypocritical and tell him I don't like him hanging out with her when I still hangout with people I once had feelings for.

See...tenses here are very important. The difference between you and him is that you HAD feeling for someone else...past tense, those feelings are gone. You wrote that he HAS feelings for this girl, which is present tense...meaning he does have feelings for her. Open or not, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has feelings for someone else? Am I misunderstanding something? And, though you may think you know your boyfriend, if he has feelings for someone else and doesn't text you back when he hangs out with her, and basically "disappears" (as I call it), then he probably wouldn't tell you something happened. Of course he wouldn't be bothered by the fact that you hang out with your old fling if he knows you don't have feelings for that guy. There's a difference. Also, he hangs out with this girl he has feelings for, so he doesn't really care.

Also, there's no way he can fully give himself to you if he still has feelings for someone else like that and still sees them quite often.

[Pdf3]

Honestly, keeping people you still have feelings for around when you're in a relationship is shady. Even more so that he doesn't respond to you when he's with her. Screw that. When you're in a serious, committed relationship compromises need to be made, and if he's putting some other female above you that's just plain shady. He's leaving the door open for something bad to happen since you say "nothing has happened because SHE is not interested." If you've had conversations about this, does he make you feel like you're more important? Like he would drop her in a heartbeat if it really bothered you that much?

We just spoke about it, he could tell by the sound of my voice that something was going on in my head. He did make me feel more important. I have yet to meet this girl since she is obviously in his city, but he said if it would make me more comfortable he can arrange for us to meet while we're out with a group of his friends in a couple weeks. He's taken the time to reassure me and make me feel okay about the situation. She knows about me, he's told her all about me. (Like I said before her and I haven't met so I was unaware how much she knew about his relationship status). He has made me feel more comfortable about everything now, but I guess we'll see how I feel about this in future situations.

[Honour]

We just spoke about it, he could tell by the sound of my voice that something was going on in my head. He did make me feel more important. I have yet to meet this girl since she is obviously in his city, but he said if it would make me more comfortable he can arrange for us to meet while we're out with a group of his friends in a couple weeks. He's taken the time to reassure me and make me feel okay about the situation. She knows about me, he's told her all about me. (Like I said before her and I haven't met so I was unaware how much she knew about his relationship status). He has made me feel more comfortable about everything now, but I guess we'll see how I feel about this in future situations.

Honestly, I would give him this chance, see how it pans out. If he's trying to be open about it, and be honest, then it's less likely he's going to go behind your back. All the same, be wary. I've known guys do this to women, and stand them up right behind their backs a short while later.

[randomnerd]

I would feel pretty uncomfortable about this situation. I trust my SO completely too but knowing someone that lives nearby that he as feelings for is someone that he spends time with...it would make me uneasy.

When would you get to meet her? Since she's obviously a friend that he enjoys spending time with, I would meet her like he wants you to and see how you feel from there. Trust your instincts though. Though you trust your SO completely, it doesn't mean you have to trust her. Like others have said, what happens if she changes her mind? It's possible for her to know about you and still develop feelings for him too.

[itsjen516]

Though you trust him why are you with him if he has feelings for another girl ? Even if he's not cheating he shouldn't be with you when he likes someone else .

[whatruckus]

Though you trust him why are you with him if he has feelings for another girl ? Even if he's not cheating he shouldn't be with you when he likes someone else .

This is what I'm not understanding as well. If he has feelings for someone else, told you outright he has feelings for someone, and continuously sees/hangs out with said person, why would you be in a relationship with him? As I said before, he's not going to be fully emotionally available to you and your relationship will more than likely plateau and there will come a point in time where you will want more from this relationship, and he won't be able to give that because he wants someone else. Being with someone who wants to be with someone else? Makes no sense to me. Being with you and being honest with you, no matter how open and honest he is, still doesn't change the fact that he's got feelings for someone else.

I would never do something like this. It's all or nothing for me.

You're young, you're 21. You can find someone else who's going to give you their all, and not string you along while secretly hoping the person he likes will change her mind.