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**ronjaandbirk** · January 28, 2015, 03:36 PM

i think taking off pressure like you describe for now is a good idea. you both are going through so much and you don't need either another loss and feeling of abandonment, but it's really not good for either of you to have to tip toe around relationship problems. Maybe just quit discussions and relationship talks and remind each other that you love each other as often as you can. Take comfort in the thought that while you can't help each other right now you're nit completely alone.

Also I just want to say hang in there. All you wrote about describing your soap opera life sounds familiar to me, been there done that. Don't pressure yourself, things always get better again.

**Moon** · January 28, 2015, 03:49 PM

Do I propose a more 'serious' breakup, one where we still remain exclusive, but each go about dealing with grief and our lives in the way that works for us both, and try to repair the currently badly damaged friendship without the 'pressure' of being in a relationship, no more talk about the future, or closing the distance until we can both really think about whether it is what we want to pursue or not..... with the aim to have things in a much better place to decide our future around April, when she planned to come over for our birthdays for a holiday.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard and painful stuff

That said, your "serious breakup" kind of doesn't make any sense, at least definitely not the way you're wording it. Most of the time, breaks don't work, they just prolong the breakup. Also, I would never, ever use the word "breakup" if that isn't what it is, doing that can put your mind in the totally wrong context of what you're trying to accomplish. You don't breakup and remain exclusive, and still hold onto the relationship, you know? Maybe what you need to consider is just simply giving each other space to get your proverbial shit together. It's OK to do that, just don't call it a break or a breakup, especially if you're remaining exclusive, that's a very gray area.

I'm like your girlfriend, when things are awful, I tend to back away from people and just deal with life myself. I've also learned along the way that my loved ones may be very different and sometimes, even if it makes me uncomfortable as hell, I just need to listen. It took me a long time to understand that though.

I think you should back off a bit, but keep in communication with each other. Don't worry about closing the distance right now, it isn't that important. Also, it may help if you understand that our SO's can have limits on the emotional baggage they can handle, and you should also be focusing on fun things, mundane everyday things, laughing at dumb things together, and just enjoying each other's company. Not every conversation needs to hash out emotions, you need to get back to the reasons you love each other. Trauma and tragedy can bring you together, but only to a point, you have to go on living and enjoying your time together.

I might be misunderstanding, but it seems like the fun is missing in your relationship, and you've both hyper-focused on other things. You need to work on getting that back and relax a little, and then see what April brings. Good luck.

**differentcountries** · January 28, 2015, 04:24 PM

There is a difference between saying "Now is a heavy period, let' let each other loose a little and then come back" and breaking up. I have no faith in going through hard times and ending up together unless you are actually together during the hard times.

**Petals** · January 28, 2015, 05:02 PM

Both of you are dealing with serious emotional pain/trauma at the moment and as you acknowledged, you deal with pain differently.

Do you HAVE to push for more at this point? Can't you accept that you both deal with pain differently, but you are still there for each other? There's no point trying to change how she deals with grief as such behavior is deeply ingrained, so you should try to accept her as is or at least meet her half way. You seem to want all or nothing and that position will put you both on the losing end.

Making demands right now will only add more emotional trauma to the situation. The death of my mother plunged me into deep depression for 6 months and no amount of bargaining, demands could have made any difference to me then, because I was grieving and what I needed was support.

I think you need to find other ways of dealing with your emotional trauma - hobby, talking to friends/family etc. You can tell her lovingly that you are there for her and you would like her to trust you enough to let you help her through this. However, making demands won't help.

Be good to yourself.

**Redheart14** · January 28, 2015, 09:56 PM

Sorry but weren't you already trying the second option? That's what I thought I was happening from your last thread. Correct me if I'm wrong.

**Honour** · January 29, 2015, 02:50 AM

I recently lost my ex/close friend to cancer, and so I understand somewhat where you're girlfriend is coming from, because I'm a mixture of her and you. Some days if I'm hurting I'll be open and willing to talk about what's bothering/hurting me, yet there are some days not even my SO can get me to talk. I can just shut myself entirely away and no one can get through my defenses on those days. You and your girlfriend are no doubt in raw agony, and it's plain to see. I'm finding it difficult to give you 100% accurate advice, so this is all I will say: only you and her can judge how much you need to a) break up or b) have a break. Sometimes breaks work, I've seen it happen, but I've also seen them destroy relationships. As someone mentioned above, the best thing you can do right now is be there for her when she needs, and in the meantime, you need to look out for yourself. If she wants space, then let her have some space. If you need to talk to someone, you have your friends in real life and your family in real life I'm sure who will look out for you. Failing that, therapists and counselors may help, or just venting even to someone here. Whatever you do though, think very very hard and long on it. Make sure you know you're willing to accept more hurt and pain should things go bad, though I hope for both of you that it works out. Good luck.

**p_b82** · January 29, 2015, 07:51 AM

Well last time, it was more about giving her space to think on a few things, rather than space to grieve.... she was purposefully 'trying to do me a favour' by not saying anything to rock the boat further while I had other things on my plate.

As before it was the break down in our dialogue that meant that while we were trying to be nice to each other, we weren't actually doing what the other needed. Opposite ends of the same spectrum.

Breakup was the wrong word, space and time with no strings attached would be better - but to me that is the same if she then chose to not talk at all for 7 days or more; for 3 years prior to this we pretty much spoke every day, if only as friends.

the comment about fun, is right, we lost our spark some-where; the very thing that made us so great when things were good has been snuffed, but the deep feelings that created that are still there....

I guess my real problem is, however miserable I am, contact with her is like a ray of sunshine on a cold wet dark day for me, and it *always* makes me feel better even when already in a good mood!

I know this is a forum for LDR's and in that respect best palce for this sort of thing, but this is def a case of 'if only the pond was not in the way' as none of this would have happened, as we would have been able to get the body language clues from each other, and know when to back off, or get closer.....

Thanks for the thoughts.... seems my mind was right in that there are not many alternatives. Now to work out what is best for me, shorter and longer term.... *sigh*

**Hollandia** · January 29, 2015, 08:08 AM

If you two were CD and married with kids and life, this would still be hell. One death, let alone all your pain on both sides can push the boundaries of a couple. My advice is that both of you have to decide if you can make it work. If you can only be happy when the sun shines then you can never handle the rain, and it can rain a lot in life. I can't say if you two will be able to handle the rain or not but a short breather is one thing, but a long break is a break up. You have to be able to find a way to handle the rain, or you could end with a few happy years and then monsoon season hits again, and do you split again?

Is it more painful to be without the relationship with the good and bad, or more painful to continue to fight through it? Make your decision on that and you should have your answer, I think there is no middle ground. Hugz for all your pain.

**p_b82** · January 29, 2015, 01:43 PM

well I emailed her to see if she wants to continue to fight (once she is in a better place) or discuss it in more detail once we can take the emotion away from it all, or whether she just isn't willing or able to fight anymore and would rather just call time on it.

Yes it is giving her the power over my life, and I freely admitted I might not be able to stick to the proposal myself, but wanted to have some time to find myself while she tries to do the same. I'd still like her to come visit in April- unless it is over over by then, and probably that would be too soon, but if not it would give us the chance to really work it all out in person, one way or the other.

More waiting for me, but I feel I have done everything I can right now to attempt to give us a chance, and if it is not to be, it is not to be.

A friend of my ex once said to her: Every long lasting relationship goes though a make or break scenario; those that survive it are the ones that tend to last the distance.
I wonder if this is ours, or just a sign it is not meant to be.

**crazycarrie06** · January 31, 2015, 01:02 AM

You got some pretty amazing advice and I don't feel I can offer anything new, so I really just wanted to offer my condolences for everything you two are going through. I hope that things start to get better for you both very soon.

**p_b82** · February 3, 2015, 07:28 AM

May as well bring this thread to a close.

In less than a month I have gone from being in a relationship that made me happy (even if there were a few niggles, that I thought we could work out) to being dumped - and it was not because of the distance.

She emailed yesterday after not contacting me while she thought it all over, that was over. she loves me with all that she is, but is no longer in love with me; and is not willing to see if that spark can be rekindled.

So my second LDR has now come to an end, in two different decades of my life, with a failed CD relationship inbetween - so not sure if any advice I have given is worth a pinch of salt, I may stick around after this, but probably not much tbh as I don't want to be all negative and bring people down.....

Good luck to those in LDR's - remember to trust your gut over your heart if you think something is amiss and raise concerns about it asap, and hopefully you will avoid the heartache I am now going through

**Honour** · February 3, 2015, 07:42 AM

Originally posted by p_b82 View Post

May as well bring this thread to a close.

In less than a month I have gone from being in a relationship that made me happy (even if there were a few niggles, that I thought we could work out) to being dumped - and it was not because of the distance.

She emailed yesterday after not contacting me while she thought it all over, that was over. she loves me with all that she is, but is no longer in love with me; and is not willing to see if that spark can be rekindled.

So my second LDR has now come to an end, in two different decades of my life, with a failed CD relationship inbetween - so not sure if any advice I have given is worth a pinch of salt, I may stick around after this, but probably not much tbh as I don't want to be all negative and bring people down.....

Good luck to those in LDR's - remember to trust your gut over your heart if you think something is amiss and raise concerns about it asap, and hopefully you will avoid the heartache I am now going through

I'm so sorry. I've had a string of failed LDRs, so I know what you mean. By the time my current SO contacted me again, I had given up on LDRs and was just happy doing my own thing. I missed being in a relationship, but I'd rather have been single than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship. I totally get you. All I can say is... I feel you. I really do.

Big hugs.

**Hollandia** · February 3, 2015, 07:51 AM

Originally posted by p_b82 View Post

May as well bring this thread to a close.

In less than a month I have gone from being in a relationship that made me happy (even if there were a few niggles, that I thought we could work out) to being dumped - and it was not because of the distance.

She emailed yesterday after not contacting me while she thought it all over, that was over. she loves me with all that she is, but is no longer in love with me; and is not willing to see if that spark can be rekindled.

So my second LDR has now come to an end, in two different decades of my life, with a failed CD relationship inbetween - so not sure if any advice I have given is worth a pinch of salt, I may stick around after this, but probably not much tbh as I don't want to be all negative and bring people down.....

Good luck to those in LDR's - remember to trust your gut over your heart if you think something is amiss and raise concerns about it asap, and hopefully you will avoid the heartache I am now going through

You should stick around. I like your advice given. I had quit a few bad relationships before I found my Mr. Right and 2 bad marriages, so you are not alone and quite welcome here anytime. It is her loss, and perhaps we can keep you a bit happier too. Vent if you want, that's what we all do sometimes. Hugz to you.

**R&R** · February 3, 2015, 08:23 AM

Originally posted by p_b82 View Post

May as well bring this thread to a close.

In less than a month I have gone from being in a relationship that made me happy (even if there were a few niggles, that I thought we could work out) to being dumped - and it was not because of the distance.

She emailed yesterday after not contacting me while she thought it all over, that was over. she loves me with all that she is, but is no longer in love with me; and is not willing to see if that spark can be rekindled.

So my second LDR has now come to an end, in two different decades of my life, with a failed CD relationship inbetween - so not sure if any advice I have given is worth a pinch of salt, I may stick around after this, but probably not much tbh as I don't want to be all negative and bring people down.....

Good luck to those in LDR's - remember to trust your gut over your heart if you think something is amiss and raise concerns about it asap, and hopefully you will avoid the heartache I am now going through

I'm sorry. Please don't feel the need to go anywhere. We're all here for you.

You've always given good advice. You can't make someone feel a certain way. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or making anything you've said invalid. <Hugs>

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