How to deal with 2 different types of coping?

[hanabana]

Hey everyone! Just wanted to drop a thread here as I have a question.

Me and my SO have been together for 2 years, long distance for 85% of that time. I currently am still a student (going after my Masters!) and during the time I am at school (9 months total) we are roughly 5 hours apart. He works a 12 hour job each day, so seeing one another during our time apart is pretty much not an option. ANYWHO!

We are opposites on many many levels. It was just recently that I began to see how people react and cope with and to different things. Like really see those differences. If this makes me seem naive than so be it. I've just always been around people who have had the same mind set as my own. So when I started dating my SO I was thrown into this whole other way of seeing the world (which is one of the many reasons why I like our relationship dynamic).

I like to fix issues right away. I don't like the tension and don't like to let it linger. I want to talk it out and deal with it up front. My SO likes to cool down and have distance with things. And he may not ever bring it up or want to talk about it later when he has cooled down.

The issue is, how do I feel as though we have moved on from an issue even if we have not talked about it like I like to do? His mentality is whatever happened happened and is in the past, and there's no need to dwell on it and draw it out. Just let it go and move on. I've tried it my way with talking about issues with him relatively soon after something has occurred, but this last time he really blew up and didn't want to talk about it at all. It made me realize that everyone has their own way of dealing with things and I need to respect that.

At the same time, what if he never talks about it again? I don't want to bring it up again to him and make it seem like I'm not past it, and we're not past it as a couple. (He's complained about this a few times. How I bring certain things up multiple times)

We don't have a lot of arguments, so maybe that is why it's taken a while for me to figure out his way of dealing with things.

So how do I pick up the que that we have moved on as a couple from an issue when we don't talk about it?

Any advice or way to shed some light for me?
It would be much appreciated!

[whatruckus]

Hey everyone! Just wanted to drop a thread here as I have a question.

Me and my SO have been together for 2 years, long distance for 85% of that time. I currently am still a student (going after my Masters!) and during the time I am at school (9 months total) we are roughly 5 hours apart. He works a 12 hour job each day, so seeing one another during our time apart is pretty much not an option. ANYWHO!

We are opposites on many many levels. It was just recently that I began to see how people react and cope with and to different things. Like really see those differences. If this makes me seem naive than so be it. I've just always been around people who have had the same mind set as my own. So when I started dating my SO I was thrown into this whole other way of seeing the world (which is one of the many reasons why I like our relationship dynamic).

I like to fix issues right away. I don't like the tension and don't like to let it linger. I want to talk it out and deal with it up front. My SO likes to cool down and have distance with things. And he may not ever bring it up or want to talk about it later when he has cooled down.

The issue is, how do I feel as though we have moved on from an issue even if we have not talked about it like I like to do? His mentality is whatever happened happened and is in the past, and there's no need to dwell on it and draw it out. Just let it go and move on. I've tried it my way with talking about issues with him relatively soon after something has occurred, but this last time he really blew up and didn't want to talk about it at all. It made me realize that everyone has their own way of dealing with things and I need to respect that.

At the same time, what if he never talks about it again? I don't want to bring it up again to him and make it seem like I'm not past it, and we're not past it as a couple. (He's complained about this a few times. How I bring certain things up multiple times)

We don't have a lot of arguments, so maybe that is why it's taken a while for me to figure out his way of dealing with things.

So how do I pick up the que that we have moved on as a couple from an issue when we don't talk about it?

Any advice or way to shed some light for me?
It would be much appreciated!

I honestly have no advice because I'm the same way and my SO is the same as yours. He doesn't really like to talk about issues. But, you are not alone!

[hanabana]

Wow we have even been in a relationship for about the same amount of time! Our anniversary is January 13th! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this. It does make me feel a tad better Thanks for your reply!

[Moon]

Hmmm...sounds like a bit of compromise is in order here Not every disagreement needs to be picked apart, and talked to death, but some of them definitely need further discussion, you know? I understand that cooling off period, it's what I need, and afterward I can see things much more clearly. Sometimes I realize a big deal was made of something really dumb, and I just forget about it, because that happens sometimes. Other times, it gives me time to think it over, and I can consider what I want to talk about further, in a more rational way. But that's me.

Maybe give it a little while if it's not a huge arguement? It's hard to say, it's tough when you deal with fights differently, neither of your methods are better than the other, you just need to figure where the middle is, and meet in it. Good luck.

[Petals]

You deal with differences by meeting each other half way. You talk about how to approach this difference when you are both in a good mood and just relaxing. Set some ground rules for how to argue/disagree effectively and try to follow them. Eventually you will argue more fairly or effectively and everybody can walk away feeling like they've been heard.

Since you like to talk about issues as they happen, you can adjust by giving him time to cool off (seems you are doing this already). He needs to adjust by coming back to the issue and discussing it at a specific time. You have to learn that not every issue needs to be dealt with immediately and at times this can be counterproductive as we can say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. Sometimes it's best to let people process the events before talking.

Also, choose your battles wisely. Not every incident/issue needs a discussion.

Your bf on the other hand needs to understand that pretending that an event didn't happen or something isn't an issue doesn't mean it has no impact on the relationship. If issues are not dealt with in a timely manner, they become greater issues and eventually the relationship will be beyond repair.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Completely agree with Petals! Have you talked about this with your SO? I used to be really hurt when my SO would walk away in the middle of a conversation. It would make me even more upset. He did it to remain calm but it fired me up even more, which really didn't help anything! After having the conversation about why he reacts the way he does and me expressing how it hurt me, it got so much better! A little understanding goes a long way in fights!

[differentcountries]

Petals make some sound points. One way of luuring a non-confrontational guy into finally having that discussion with you, is using what I call the suggestion table. It basically means that anything anyone says is totally without commitment, until you later on decide that any of it is a proper suggestion or even a plan. For us, it means that we avoid him harbouring any resentful "you don't decide what I should do"-feelings over me, while at the same time I get the discussions and plansI crave. It took me a while to understand that everyone in his life decides what he shall do all the time, and that he is very senstive towards me trying to be his mum in that sense. BUT he is of course not opposed to getting to know me better, perhaps even himself better, and finding practical solutions that will bring us closer. He loves the suggestion table and even uses it to create full monologues where HE decides what we shall do (something he otherwise finds very hard to phraze), so he can see what the suggestion table gives him lots of uppertunities. It has become an amazingly effective tool for us to lay to rest any dispute, misunderstanding or practical issue we might raise. I find I love him more through it, and I think he feels the same way about it.

[merlinkitty]

I pretty much agree with what everyone has said. My guy is like this too. We had a nice blow out argument a while back and took a few days off from talking to each other. He moved on from it while I spent time fretting about what went wrong. Now I will say he did something nice. He asked me if I was okay and if there was anything I was confused about or needed to discuss. Perhaps you could talk to yours about doing something similar?

You sound the same, but it's helpful to me to discuss at some point what happened. Who did what to cause whatever reaction happened just so we can find some compromise in future.

[Honour]

Best thing I can say is compromisation. That's all there really is to it, shame talking about it with your SO is never as simple as actually being able to give advice and type it out lol

[differentcountries]

Meeting halfway and compromise sound good, but I find that often you have to be more drastic than that. It is about putting everything in the table, so that even both of you might change your mind about what you want and how things should happen. I am not saying stopping to care about your vital issues, but really so many people break up over or quarral about issues that are not important. If you find some stuff that you will not back out on, the rest is up for negotiation. That goes even for the way you talk about, or dont talk about, things.

[Miasmata]

For my SO and me, it's very good to talk things through as they come up, but since we are both rather confrontative people and he can have a pretty hot temper, it's not always possible. Communication really is key here to understand each other and find ways to make it work. As much as I want to talk everything out right away, sometimes he says he needs to take a walk around the block to cool off to be in the right mindset. When I'm all flared up, that's not my favorite thing to hear, but it leads to a much happier discussion for both of us. Understanding each other's needs and ways to deal with these situations goes a long way!