building your own little life in your SO's country

[Elli]

Hi everyone
Before I start a bit of background for you: my so and I have been together for a bit more than two years now. I'm from Germany, he is from the UK. We usually see each other every month for a few days. At the moment I am with him for six months (yaay ) for an internship. Well actually the six months are over soon, I will leave at the beginning of April.

Now why I write this:
Although I have been here for about 4 months now I still feel a bit like I am only a visitor. Not because of our relationship itself (living together works out quite well and we are happy) but more because of social contacts. I haven't managed to build any new friendships on my own here. He introduced me to some of his friends and sometimes I come along when they meet after work (they are his colleagues) but even though they are nice, I wouldn't call them my friends. And they would probably refer to me as "his girlfriend" and not as their friend too. that they are all working together and mostly talking about things I don't know anything about isn't very helpful either I guess.
so when he is meeting his friends, I either come along or sit at home by myself. It has caused a few arguments because of course he doesn't always want to bring his girlfriend along but on the other hand I don't want to spend my Friday nights alone...

to be fair I am a quite shy person when it comes to making new friends. It's not the easiest thing for me even in my own country. But I really tried hard! I just gave up after some very disappointing attempts.
can anyone relate to the situation I am in?
I thought it would be difficult to fit in my so's world and build my own social life but I didn't think it would be that hard! And I don't think it would change even if I stayed for longer due to how things are going at the moment.

the thing is, this long time didn't quite motivate me to come back to his country to live here. Of course I want to be with him but I can't feel lonely for the rest of my life!
the plan is that he comes to Germany (maybe this year.. hopefully!) But eventually we have to decide where we would like to settle down.. and at the moment I couldn't imagine living here just because of the social life.

And I really really tried as hard as I can!

Sorry for the long post! It's just on my mind a lot.

[Nymeria]

I can totally understand the Feeling.

What you Need to think about are ways how you could find "your own" friends. You will have to be quite active on this, but it's not all too hard to do.
Do you like sports? Signing up for Yoga, Volleyball or whatever you like doing might get you to meet other people.
Or bookclubs or something like that.
Also, I would think about signing up to maybe couchsurfing?
Depends on the size of the City you are in, there are very often weekly Meetings, or you could write another couchsurfer, asking to have coffee or something. I have found a few friends thanks to couchsurfing.

Good luck!

[differentcountries]

I find that when I engage in things, I make friends more easily. Like; attending a small gym, become part of a membership club etc. Are you interested in anything as a hobby, or would consider taking up a new hobby? If half the time you are sitting alone, you have plenty of time to start doing something new. Even if you don't make friends from it right away, it could happen later. If you make one friend, it is easier to make a new friend through that person and so on. Also, how about your work? is there anybody your age for instance?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I don't have much advice for you, but good luck to you with finding friends there! I am currently experiencing the same thing and hoping that when my classes start it will be easier to meet people. If you find something works for you, please share your secrets with us!

[Honour]

I'm gonna borrow this idea, but all credit goes to Petals for posting in another thread about this:

https://www.meetup.com/

See if this helps.

[merlinkitty]

I think we're all gooing over Petal's meetup.com suggestion lol I love it.

I totally feel your pain. I'm also really super shy and find it just intimidating to make new friends. It's cool your SO takes you out to meet his colleagues and stuff, but you're right. You'll always be his gf in their eyes. I think it's important to make friends of your own outside of your SO's. I'm totally giving you advice right now I know I have trouble taking myself. I'm going to be checking out the meetup website for my area (I can feel the anxiety rising hahaha!). Challenge yourself to do stuff like what the others mention friends aren't going to fall into your lap and once your get out there and kind of break the ice it'll be easier to do it again

[ronjaandbirk]

Im in the exact same boat, and ultimately it led to me deciding for myself I won't move to where he comes from. I have a history of serious social phobia, and I didnt battle it succesfully to drown in another case of isolation. I think for us the way to tackle this problem is to meet in the middle. I don't have a problem per se with moving to his country for exemple, but I have a problem with his area. Not doing it... there are also no real career opportunities for me so its not going to happen. I don't really care if he has roots there either, I don't deserve to be unhappy just to be with him, as much as I love him.
We can however see us moving to a completly different country alltogether, be it denmark or england for exemple.

That being said, maybe it's only his specific town where it is hard? Maybe you can compromise and move to a bigger town or a town that fits your interests better. It should be easier to make friends in such places.
Have you talked to him about it? what does he think?
I think my SO was initially very disappointed when I first mentioned that while I absolutely adore his country I dont see myself necessarily living there anymore. But now things seem more open and pressure free after we talked about it.

[Elli]

Thanks everyone for your helpful and quick replies!
Yeah I know it's never easy to make new friends, especially when you're not the outgoing type before you know people.
like I said I have tried (societies at the uni I'm working at, some colleagues) but without success. Maybe I was demotivated and gave up too quickly. I think I hoped for meeting someone where it just clicks and is easy to talk to.
Some factors haven't been ideal though, f.e. We are living in the middle of the cities we both work in and I have to travel about 40 minutes by train and I'm not too flexible when it comes to going out after work because I have to get back and the town we live in is very small, so there is not much going on to meet people.

also I guess because I know that my boyfriend is at home (which is absolutely amazing) I don't have the urge to meet someone else until it actually comes to being alone. Do you know what I mean?

For me it is just really hard to overcome the language and culture barrier. i don't have problems communicating in English generally but when I am in a situation with "potential" friends I get really nervous and don't want to say anything wrong and I am too quite then. Also sometimes I find it hard to join in conversations because I can't really relate to the topics.

Thanks for the meetup website! There are quite a few things on there!

[differentcountries]

Because of the language, I will suggest that you do something physical. I have an Indian friend who found both a new hobby and new friends in Norway when she took up first canooing and then hiking. She is now a certified local hiking leader. She doesn't even speak much Norwegian!

[Moon]

Thanks everyone for your helpful and quick replies!
Yeah I know it's never easy to make new friends, especially when you're not the outgoing type before you know people.
like I said I have tried (societies at the uni I'm working at, some colleagues) but without success. Maybe I was demotivated and gave up too quickly. I think I hoped for meeting someone where it just clicks and is easy to talk to.
Some factors haven't been ideal though, f.e. We are living in the middle of the cities we both work in and I have to travel about 40 minutes by train and I'm not too flexible when it comes to going out after work because I have to get back and the town we live in is very small, so there is not much going on to meet people.

also I guess because I know that my boyfriend is at home (which is absolutely amazing) I don't have the urge to meet someone else until it actually comes to being alone. Do you know what I mean?

For me it is just really hard to overcome the language and culture barrier. i don't have problems communicating in English generally but when I am in a situation with "potential" friends I get really nervous and don't want to say anything wrong and I am too quite then. Also sometimes I find it hard to join in conversations because I can't really relate to the topics.

Thanks for the meetup website! There are quite a few things on there!

Awww...don't worry about saying something wrong, England is full of people from other countries, you won't be the first person to get their English mixed up, and you won't be the last. People are used to it, and won't think it's any big deal My guy is Finnish, he has no problems with English in the US, but has had a really tough time understanding and being understood by people in the UK, for some reason. It was really frustrating for him, so I understand where you're coming from, sort of.

[merlinkitty]

I wanted to share something from "Pride and Prejudice" with you. Darcy is not comfortable socially either and he and Elizabeth get into a conversation about why that is when he says:

"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess," said Darcy, "of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done."

"My fingers," said Elizabeth, "do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault--because I will not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe MY fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution."

Darcy smiled and said, "You are perfectly right. You have employed your time much better. No one admitted to the privilege of hearing you can think anything wanting. We neither of us perform to strangers."

It just takes practice go at your own pace, push yourself a bit, sit back and listen until you feel comfortable, if that's your pace. But don't worry about doing anything "wrong"

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."