Need opinions

[p_b82]

From where I stand, the issue like others have said is the trust aspect.

It seems as though she has not forgiven him his past transgressions, and has felt the need to 'check up' on him again. In doing so he has been found out to be lying to her about (an unrealistic target set IMO) not talking to other women.

Would he be happy with his SO constantly checking his phone/messages? Would it drive him to be more secretive and have a second phone stashed away to continue his ways?

Or do they discuss why he feels the need to do this, and work on it together to go forward.

Maybe he is hugely insecure and likes that tiny little validation of the attention, knowing that he 'could' go out and other people find him interesting; not that he is playing the field, but his relationship is not making him feel 'loved/appreciated/<insert feeling as appropriate>'

Does she want to be in a longer term relationship where she doesn't feel the issue is resolved, and has the need to keep her eye on her man?

Only they can work this out, and my advice would not be to run away; but to get to the bottom of his behaviour pattern, set a realistic scenario they both feel they can live with, and be completely open with the dialogue.....

Maybe that compromise is that she vets who he can talk to (but I know for sure that I would not be able to live like that but maybe he can?) or when he feels the urge to get this validation he tells her, and she can work on his insecurities instead etc....

Right now, I think if they don't really hash this out and resolve it once and for all in a way that suits them both, then they are going to have issues with this in future, as it seems deep enough not to be able to be ignored.

[TaraMarie]

Sue is reading this forum with me and thanks you. Her question is this: BF said he told his friend they Broke up three weeks ago (they did, for two days) because it happened, and he said he was lonely because he WAS. Sue said the friend interpreted it (as does sue) as I am still single and lonely. Want to get together?

How do YOU interpret it?

[Honour]

Just sounds to me like a huge, ticking timebomb where someone is going to get hurt badly. Just get out of it, seriously. He's a good-for-nothing sleazebag (borrowing someone's earlier interpretation here to make a point!) who needs a slap across the face to wake him up. If possible anyway.

[Miasmata]

It honestly doesn't matter how you interpret it. If it's something that makes Sue unsure of how much she can trust him, that's the real problem, and the one she needs to adress.

[R&R]

I interpret it as he was single since they broke up and it's none of her business what he did in those two days. (All I can do is think of the Friends episode "We were on a break!!!")

They need to seriously look at counseling if this relationship has any chance of moving forward.

[p_b82]

If they had broken up then that changes it completely - she has no right to check up on him on those two days - if he was lonely and found some-one to hook up with not expecting them to get back together then that is what he was going to do, my ex was in bed with 3 different people within a week of telling me our relationship was over..... Different people cope in different ways *shrugs*

However if this communication was still ongoing after they got together again, it is different.

I still stand though that there are some underlying trust issues that need to be addressed here - and they need to be resolved to both parties agreement; to draw a line under it, and move on. Or part ways if they can't.

[differentcountries]

They need to stop using breakup as a mean in their fights. She has NO say of what her ex bf should tell other women when he is in fact single in that time. She is overstepping.

[merlinkitty]

Sue is reading this forum with me and thanks you. Her question is this: BF said he told his friend they Broke up three weeks ago (they did, for two days) because it happened, and he said he was lonely because he WAS. Sue said the friend interpreted it (as does sue) as I am still single and lonely. Want to get together?

How do YOU interpret it?

That's exactly how I interpreted it. I can't remember, but I think the woman he was contacting didn't respond? If so, that might be how she took it too? I think that's why I went "errr?? O.o this dude is a little shady!"

He kind of sounds like he's got issues being alone and gets his sense of self esteem from the validation of others. I mean would that be normal to expect every time they have a spat that he's got 3 other women lined up to fill in the gap? Cause that's what this specific situation looks like.

If I got a message like that from someone on Facebook I'd be hitting the block button. Sounds like trouble and I don't got time for that.

[Ahava]

I can't understand why someone would be looking to hook up within two days of a break up anyway.
If you go "we broke up now I am single and free to have sex with others" then in fact it would show that that person has no interest in solving things and getting back together.

And I think there is something wrong with a person who can't be alone and feel lonely for two days without trying to find someone to fill that void.

[differentcountries]

If I had a girlfriend who dumped me just because we had a disagrement, I would not just tell girls online that I was single, I would actually go out and get layed every single day we were apart. Because that is what being single means - you can do exactly as you please, when you want it. If you are not interested in any such scenario, don't break up.

Or is he the one breaking up all the time?

Why do they want to marry if they are not even sure they want to be together?

[Hollandia]

Did they break up or not? If so, then he did nothing wrong, but either way, he just sounds like he was looking for something there from that woman and if he was then to say he was not now, would be a lie. So, which is it? Was it a break, was it not, was he he hoping for something or was he not? Is he still talking to her if he was, or is he saying it should be fine because he was not?

A lot of questions need to be answered clearly and honestly, with more than a vague, " I told her I was broke up and was lonely, because I was".....yes and ???? What did you expect out of that, and why do you think she did not respond? One hundred percent transparency is needed and even so I will say again, that using potential new sex partners as shoulders to cry on is a very bad idea. I don't think I could be marrying him anytime to soon until he was willing to understand that.

[differentcountries]

She is clear on the break ups are not real, they are just interludes in their fighting scedule (they must be fighting pretty hard to be broken up for two full days), they are mock breakups, because on the break she still expects him to diclose, be loyal and be faithful - the very same things he is not too keen on doing in the first place. I have been in desctructive relationships with mock breakups, but they lasted a couple of hours, we were 20 years old with no life experience and we were not debating weather or not to get married. I am very much against using breakup or breaks as a tool, if you do, a mess like this is what you get. If they marry without changing this habit, they are very likely to use divorce as an option in their fights.

[TaraMarie]

Good point DC.

[sweetshay]

I interpret it as he is looking for an outlet. I've been the "comfort chick" and been re-bounded before (it sucks). The "comfort chick" is the girl guys refer to when they are seeking something else because it's missing from their relationship. Guys just seek them out until they get what they want - it's all instant gratification and ego stroking. If he was secure he wouldn't need to run to the next woman that quickly because he thinks he's lonely within 48 hrs. And if he's really that lonely why not talk to Sue about it to see where their relationship needs to improve? Go to Sue and say "hey baby I miss you" not a woman with a BF!!

[randomnerd]

Sue is reading this forum with me and thanks you. Her question is this: BF said he told his friend they Broke up three weeks ago (they did, for two days) because it happened, and he said he was lonely because he WAS. Sue said the friend interpreted it (as does sue) as I am still single and lonely. Want to get together?

How do YOU interpret it?

Immediately seeking out companionship after a breakup with someone who you thought you were going to marry...seems a little odd to me. Telling someone who is not an actual friend about a recent break up seems like a signal of "I'm interested if you are".

If they were truly broken up, then he has the right to do that, I suppose. I think they really need to think about if they want to be together or not and not rush into getting married. The trust issues will continue into the marriage.