Need opinions

[TaraMarie]

I was asked to get independent opinion.

A friend, sue, and her BF have had problems but are in love and planning to get married. They had some issues they worked through, but she didn't trust him. With his approval, she looked at his messages and saw he was chatting with a woman (who has a BF). The conversation was along the lines if "how have you been, I was just thinking about you and wanted to check in". When she asked how he was he Said his GF broke up with him three weeks ago and he was lonely. She didn't respond after that. (Sue and BF weren't broken up, but were arguing)

When she asked him who she was he said "a friend". How did he know her? A friend of a friend...through Facebook.

Sue says he was looking to see if this woman was interested. He says it was innocent, a friend just talking to a friend.

Now the background is that previously he was texting other women, telling them they were beautiful, and other inappropriate conversations. When sue found out he swore he wouldn't talk to any woman other than business associates.

Sue wants opinions from other women...unbiased. I told her I would ask here. So ladies, and men, what is your take?

[differentcountries]

He is a guy who likes to play with fire. Doesn't mean he will cheat on her, but he likes to test if he is attractive. Can she live with that?

[R&R]

I think it was unrealistic for him to say he wouldn't talk to any women other than business associates. There is no way for that to happen for his next 30,40,50 years of life. So setting up an unrealistic expectation is a sure way to fail.

It all comes down to if she can trust him or not. Apparently, by feeling the need to go through his messages, even with his permission, shows she still can't/doesn't trust him. Whether it was innocent or not, he has already been deemed guilty due to his past behavior.

IMHO, she has to either 100% trust him (which means no phone checks, email checks, etc) or end the relationship. There is no way that with how things are now they should be proceeding with getting married. You can love someone all you want, but if you can't trust them then you have nothing.

[CanadianGirl]

My honest opinion? He sounds incredibly sleazy and, since he seems to love going behind her back, he's either too immature to communicate his needs or he actually enjoys the feeling of getting away with it. Man, reading about women who are ready to sign their lives away to jerks makes me so sad =/ Sorry if that was dramatic, but I've seen my friends do it too.

[Honour]

My honest opinion? He sounds incredibly sleazy and, since he seems to love going behind her back, he's either too immature to communicate his needs or he actually enjoys the feeling of getting away with it. Man, reading about women who are ready to sign their lives away to jerks makes me so sad =/ Sorry if that was dramatic, but I've seen my friends do it too.

Agreed with you; some of my old friends have done this in real life, and I'm like, "Why?"

Tara, I think this guy likes women's' attention a bit too much. She's blinded to this guy's tricks. Guess she may have to learn the hard way to get out of future situations like this...

[differentcountries]

It could also be a situation of the dog that barks the loudest is less likely to bite. A friend of mine has a lot going for him but he has always been insecure with women. He will be innapropriate with women to some extent but is not very likely to actually cheat on his wife. He goes through cycles where he adores his wife and then thinks less of her and test her limits and back again. I view him as clumsy more than anything else. The guys who are likely to cheat are more secretive because they plan to not be found out. It is all a matter of what she can live with. We can not answer that for her.

[TaraMarie]

Good points...keep them coming!

[dglynn77]

TBH, it sounds like (sleaziness of guy aside) Sue does not trust him. Sue is having huge doubts, which is why she turned to you, TaraMarie, and also why she wants to hear opinions of other women.

A great relationship NEEDS to have a foundation of trust. This relationship doesn't seem to have that. Why would she want to continue in a relationship where she has large and justified doubts?

Ending a relationship is hard. Starting over alone is hard. But it is easier than being stuck in/continuing a bad relationship that is not healthy or fair to Sue.

She needs to know that there IS better out there. There is someone who doesn't want something else. This man seems to be "settling" for Sue and looking desperately for anyone else who will accept his advances.

And I do not mean to put down Sue at all. She seems to be above him, he is just kind of scummy IMO based on what you posted.

[sweetshay]

My honest opinion:

Sue's man sounds like a flirt that has no discipline when it comes to not pursuing other women and that he is taking advantage of her love. I see it like this.. if you would be upset if your SO had the convo you were having - cut it off. He lied behind her back and he's probably lied to her face numerous times. If sue really wants to put up with that disrespect - more power to her. But she deserves a man that ONLY HAS EYES FOR HER. If the trust was right then she should not have the desire to check anything of his, but since the trust was broken in the past her curiosity has peaked and, in this case, it seems she was right.. I wouldn't trust someone who just ran to the next woman for comfort because that means every time there is an issue he will seek the comfort of another woman until the relationship is good again. It also sounds like the girl he tried to flirt with cut him off which is exactly what you should do when you are in a relationship - don't enable someone to ruin it. Him saying that he was lonely could very well have been innocent.. but the fact that he lied about them being broken up means it wasn't.

I feel that... people can change sure... but sometimes they go right back to their old ways. They will lie and lie until they start to believe the lies themselves out of selfishness and there is no guarantee marriage will fix him lying or her trusting him. If the trust has already been broken I don't see how the relationship can function strongly when there's always a shadow of doubt on whether he's going to repeat that shady behavior. Sue's priority should be her own happiness... she needs to ask herself "Do I really see myself being happy with him in the long run?"... the longer it takes her to think about that question, the more she probably needs to move on. But that's just my opinion - only she can decide if it's worth it in the end.

[Miasmata]

I know how it is, being the flirty one in the relationship. I like chatting up friends and going flirty sometimes too. But the thing is, in a relationship, saying "That's just how I am" is no excuse, and lying isn't acceptable either. That's why you set boundaries and figure out what works for everyone in the relationship. I'm only a flirt to the extent my SO is fine with, and if he changed his mind tomorrow and said "I don't want you to do this anymore at all", I would respect that, because he's my top priority. Relationships are all about compromise and creating a form of happiness together that works for the both of you. However, once it becomes TOO much compromise, the relationship takes more than it gives, and that's no way to handle it. Does Sue feel like she has to compromie enough to give this man the benefit of the doubt? Does the SO feel like he just can't give up his flirty ways? If it's past the level of healthy compromise, then yeah, I think the relationship is doomed to fail. And even if a compromise can be worked out for both of them, if they can't trust each other 100%, it's not going to work out.

That's my take on the situation. Obviously, it's up to Sue to decide if she feels that she can reasonably be happy with this man.

[Petals]

He's not marriage material...he'a still playing the field and she is likely to get hurt in the process. I think I have said this many times here, but will keep repeating it because I learned the hard way :

if a problem exists before marriage it is likely to continue AFTER marriage. Getting married doesn't change much except the legalities and women (sometimes men) tend to think that 'oh once we are married he will change" surprise! - nope. If you marry him when a certain issue exists you are telling him that you are ok with his actions.

I can see her in the next year or two crying her eyes out because he cheated or he posted an ad in the casual sex section of Craigslist.

[merlinkitty]

I dated a guy years ago I didn't trust (with reason) and I was suspicious of him so I would snoop his phone without permission. Having been through that I kind of realized I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel the need to read his texts, either with or without permission.

I personally want to trust without question. I guess Sue needs to ask herself that as well. Does she want to trust without question or not? Idk whether this guy is a serial cheater, or will be a perpetual flirt, or will be the best husband ever to your friend. It's obvious she has issue with his behavior. That much is certain. Maybe she should also ask herself if she's comfortable being slightly on edge and insecure the rest of her life.

I don't think telling him not to speak to women except work colleagues is a realistic solution. He'll fail. Anyone would. She should be able trust his interactions won't lead anywhere, though.

Having no personal investment in this, my gut is throwing up my hands and walking away, but this also isn't my life.

[Ahava]

My answer without reading the other posters opinions:

I think they should call of the wedding (unless she wants to settle for a man she can't trust and who keeps looking over the fence to see if the grass is greener).

[Redheart14]

My honest opinion? He sounds incredibly sleazy and, since he seems to love going behind her back, he's either too immature to communicate his needs or he actually enjoys the feeling of getting away with it. Man, reading about women who are ready to sign their lives away to jerks makes me so sad =/ Sorry if that was dramatic, but I've seen my friends do it too.

I agree

[Redheart14]

My answer without reading the other posters opinions:

I think they should call of the wedding (unless she wants to settle for a man she can't trust and who keeps looking over the fence to see if the grass is greener).

^^^^this