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**differentcountries** · February 18, 2015, 04:26 AM

Ok, to look at this the other way around. This story is about a girl who says she loves a guy, but acts differently.... You have some mental health issues. Both of you think texting is a great means to solve a fight. It doesn't work, he is overwealmed so he leaves. When you get hold of him, instead of trying to connect or resolve the conflict you pry into what he has been doing, like he is not allowed to do anything without you. He doesn't understand your need to push his buttons, is it perhaps to divert attention from something you did? The next day, the fight is over but he still feels horrible inside. Again, you want to talk about the fight despite having nothing to bring to the table to make it better. Just remind him of the bad times. And then you want assurance that he loves you, when you just made him mad. And you even want him to praise you for trying to resolve things even though you made nothing happen. It is the same story...

**ars224182** · February 18, 2015, 06:18 AM

I do have mental issues... I didn't see it that way I guess. I was wondering why he kept saying everything is always about me, I was not trying to be selfish. I just want to fix what ever is going on... I'm not looking for praise. I just need to know he's not going to leave me like he has in the past...without a word nor explation.. And he can have a life outside of me that's not a problem he just tells me that he doesn't...idk I don't have any friends since I moved back home so I work and I sit in the house. And no I haven't done anything but the two things I just said. I tell him every detail of my day....and the drinking thing is a mutual agreement when were apart...so do I just leave him alone till he's ready to talk? Or will he even want to?

**merlinkitty** · February 18, 2015, 08:17 AM

I do agree with DC. From what you've said it sounded like you were pushing on him quite a bit. I've done this and SO flipped at me and told me off for it. Just give him a little bit of space for a few days. I know the instinct is to "fix" and I do think there is some benefit to talking things out so you know what dan be done differently, but there is also benefit in allowing things to cool for a few days/week.

**p_b82** · February 18, 2015, 08:25 AM

I think that there are some cases where trying to resolve the fight too soon, can cause a few more problems than it will achieve, the emotion is still raw and both parties may not be willing to discuss it openly just yet.

Tbh, not responding for 20mins would not be a reason for me to send a 'do you want space' comment.....

Although I think tbh, he has said that to you without saying it in those words.

I would honestly ask yourself the following question(s) - why are in you in a relationship that is on/off for 6 years?
Why does it keep breaking up, and why do you keep putting yourself in the same position each time? are you happy with this pattern? What are you doing to avoid the patterns repeating?

I am not saying this is the case, but you might be the one that keeps forcing him to leave if he finds it gets 'too much' living/dating with some-one with mental issues, is tough and some people just can't cope with it very well. Especially if they see the same patterns/problems repeating etc.

As DC has said, fights are not best solved over text interfaces - voice (and bodylanguage) can help diffuse something much better normally. Or if you need to say a lot, write it in an email - but know that email like any text can be interpreted in a very different manner depending on how the reader sees it. So I would be more inclined to say things like: I'd like to talk about these X points with you because they make me feel like Z...... and then arrange a time to discuss it, or ask for him to respond in kind before you have the call, so you both know what you are expecting when you walk into it.

**snow** · February 18, 2015, 08:58 AM

I do not fully agree with DC. If they had a fight and they resolve it through text, there is no reason for him to not respond for a while, because this is absolutely disrespectful, especially if he knows about her mental health problems. Nothing, other than someone taking his phone away, should stop him from saying "I need a minute", "I will be right back", "I am overwhelmed, give me a second", "I need some space" and if that has happened in the past that he broke up with her after not responding, then I think she has every right to ask what is going on.

To all of you who think 20 minutes of silence when you had a fight mean nothing, imagine yourself being in a fight with your SO in person, over skype, over text and the other person just gets up and leaves. Would you tolerate that? Would you not get worried at all?

Now to the whole problem: He obviously doesn't like to talk about certain things when you get upset with each other and gets angry when you keep bringing it up. I understand needing to know that you're still on and that you are still doing okay, and he seems to understand your need for this reassurance - definitely nothing wrong with this!
The thing is that sometimes you don't want to talk about something and if someone tries to make you talk about it, it annoys you. And if the more you try to forget and move on, the more the person tries to bring it back up, it's frustrating, because all you want to do is move on, but you can't, because you're being reminded all the time. What you can do is accept that this is not to bring up right now and try to talk about this at a later time.

**whatruckus** · February 18, 2015, 01:01 PM

Adding to what everyone has said, some people (I've noticed mostly guys, sorry!) need time to think and time to cool off after an argument. It was wrong that he disappeared the way he did, obviously, but don't push him. I'm guilty of the same thing as you, and my SO is guilty of the same thing as your SO. I've learned that some times, when we fight, to just leave him alone and let him come to me after he's settled. It leads to a more productive conversation. Both for him and me. When the argument first happens, both of us are still in the heat of the moment and we'll say mean things to each other. When we've calmed down, we're nicer to each other and more understanding of the other's view.

**differentcountries** · February 18, 2015, 01:39 PM

Originally posted by ars224182 View Post

I do have mental issues... I didn't see it that way I guess. I was wondering why he kept saying everything is always about me, I was not trying to be selfish. I just want to fix what ever is going on... I'm not looking for praise. I just need to know he's not going to leave me like he has in the past...without a word nor explation.. And he can have a life outside of me that's not a problem he just tells me that he doesn't...idk I don't have any friends since I moved back home so I work and I sit in the house. And no I haven't done anything but the two things I just said. I tell him every detail of my day....and the drinking thing is a mutual agreement when were apart...so do I just leave him alone till he's ready to talk? Or will he even want to?

He keeps saying everything is always about you because he is too young to realize that everything has two sides and the he is to blame too. Even if he understands he should do something, he might not know what to do. Him hanging up on you is very distructive, and it is even worse that he doesn't initiate talking to you again.

You might consider if you share a little bit too much. Don't you want to keep something to yourself? And he might soon feel that he, too, has to share absolutely everything. Believe me, it is good to share, and useful, and creates intimacy. But it can also become a chore. Especially now where he might refuse to talk, don't give your all to him. Hold back a little bit. When you do talk again, you might say something like: "Can we try to not hurt each other so much when we fight? I have one suggestion, and that is each of us can say one thing that the other can't do, or has to do, when you fight. You can start by making your wish". I have no idea when/if he will want to talk, but if/when he does, be prepared to ask some changes of both of you.

Perhaps if you try to focus on understanding each other, things will be fixed through that. I am sorry to hear that you don't have any local friends, that sounds difficult.

**ars224182** · February 18, 2015, 02:33 PM

Well I gave him his space last night. Apparently not knowing what it is cause I thougt I was suppose to not text him at all and he got mad because I didn't text him when I went to bed. I probably do share to much because he's the only person I have to talk to. And it is hard I use Tk have friends here and go out and do my own thing but every time I did he'd get mad so I stopped going out, and I lost my friends awhile ago because of a situation that happened when he last visted. He does not like them. They don't like him, so they left because I'm still with him....at this point I don't know what to do because anything I say to him makes him mad. I even stated that I was not trying to argue but just trying to talk and he still gets angry.. He's just started working a few nights at his job and hasn't been getting much sleep, maybe that's why he keeps getting irritated? I've done everything he's asked of me. I love him and I really want this to work he says he does to but I seem to be the only one trying...

**whatruckus** · February 18, 2015, 02:38 PM

Originally posted by ars224182 View Post

Well I gave him his space last night. Apparently not knowing what it is cause I thougt I was suppose to not text him at all and he got mad because I didn't text him when I went to bed. I probably do share to much because he's the only person I have to talk to. And it is hard I use Tk have friends here and go out and do my own thing but every time I did he'd get mad so I stopped going out, and I lost my friends awhile ago because of a situation that happened when he last visted. He does not like them. They don't like him, so they left because I'm still with him....at this point I don't know what to do because anything I say to him makes him mad. I even stated that I was not trying to argue but just trying to talk and he still gets angry.. He's just started working a few nights at his job and hasn't been getting much sleep, maybe that's why he keeps getting irritated? I've done everything he's asked of me. I love him and I really want this to work he says he does to but I seem to be the only one trying...

Honestly, if that's how he is, seems like he's controlling. Which is a huge red flag.

**R&R** · February 18, 2015, 03:00 PM

Originally posted by whatruckus View Post

Honestly, if that's how he is, seems like he's controlling. Which is a huge red flag.

I'm in 100% agreement with this. Never give up friendships for a relationship. It's time to start mending those friendships and getting control back of YOUR life.

You need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Take it from someone who has lived it. Do you really want to spend the next year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years with someone like that? Where you have to walk on eggshells around them? Where you give up 100% control of your life so that you make sure they are "happy" but you are miserable? Would you eventually want to raise children in that environment? Someone who treats you like that does not love you. Walk away and start putting your life back together for you.

**differentcountries** · February 18, 2015, 03:38 PM

Originally posted by ars224182 View Post

I've done everything he's asked of me.

That might be good, but he doesn't seem to know what he wants or how to get it, so then you are just feeding his wims.

What have you asked of him?

**merlinkitty** · February 18, 2015, 03:41 PM

Originally posted by snow View Post

ITo all of you who think 20 minutes of silence when you had a fight mean nothing, imagine yourself being in a fight with your SO in person, over skype, over text and the other person just gets up and leaves. Would you tolerate that? Would you not get worried at all?

Having been in a situation in person where I was not allowed to walk out of a room in the middle of an argument, in some cases I was physically restrained from doing so, I think it is perfectly acceptable to get up and walk out if you feel you need time to decompress. The times I did not, I ended up screaming, saying things I shouldn't have, throwing chairs across the room because I was angry and frustrated I could not leave, and as a result, he got even more angry with me and slammed my head into a floor, dragged me by my hair, and threw me into a wall. At other times, when he felt I needed a "time out" he would literally pick me up and throw me in my bedroom, locking me in there.

Sometimes you just need to walk out of a room, virtual or otherwise, to calm down. Some of the worst things I've said are in the heat of the moment. I relish now being able to calm down before I respond. I love not being forced to fix something when I'm too wrapped up in the heat of the moment to be rational. I have never felt more powerless and demeaned in my own life than knowing what I needed to do to defuse a volatile situation and being physically assaulted when I tried to accomplish that. And for all the abuse I took for that the argument was still never resolved. Because I feared the response, I would avoid it.

I want to apologize to you Snow. I don't like to be so harsh in my disagreements because I don't like to offend. I hope I haven't. But I am very fervent in my resolve that there is nothing on the face of this earth that will ever make me think walking out of the room mid-argument is a poor judgment call on anyone's part.

I'm honestly a little worked up myself so please forgive me. I spent years trying to adjust to my ex. Years. I changed everything I could about myself to adjust to his expectations of me and I was never good enough. It was the point where I realized he was happy cause he was getting what he wanted and I was miserable because I had lost sight of who I was that I finally decided to put an end to things. If you feel this is the case with your situation, perhaps it's time to reevaluate if you should be in it at all.

**differentcountries** · February 18, 2015, 04:22 PM

Originally posted by snow View Post

To all of you who think 20 minutes of silence when you had a fight mean nothing, imagine yourself being in a fight with your SO in person, over skype, over text and the other person just gets up and leaves. Would you tolerate that? Would you not get worried at all?

I don't mean to be rude, but that is actually quite common to be silent somewhere in a fight. For sure SO has kept qiuet for longer than that, he is super shy of conflict so saying nothing and ignoring the fight altogether is his best move. I remember with my ex, I would get up and leave the house quite often, because she was always picking fights where she worked herself up to hysteria and I felt like I would explode or hit her, so I figured the best thing to do was leave the scene. To this day, when my husband is upset, he does the same thing. Leaving, going for a walk, getting fresh air and possably a clear head, if the alternative is fighting or icy silence, is actually a good thing. The other person know that you are probably around the block and will be back soon.

The reason why, on the other hand, hanging up on the phone in a LDR relationship is so horrible, is the phone and internet usually is our lifeline to our loved ones. Hanging up the phone doesn't feel like a CD person walking out the door, it feels like someone is removing the house from the ground. There have been times after a visit where I couldn't reach SO for more than 24 hours (before we started our current regime) and I was sick with a very perticular worry. It did not feel like he was slow to communicate, it felt like he had removed himself from the world. There has also been that one time where I took the very bad choice of hanging up on SO when we were fighting - I can still see the terrorr in his eyes just by me mentioning that I did it that one time 16 months ago (I think I called him back one hour later). To OP; does your SO have any idea of how hurt you were in the past about him temporarily breaking up by not responding, and that him staying off the phone when you fight feels like gasoline on the fire of your fear of loosing him? You might try what I sometimes do; when my SO is slow at responding, what I do is that I come up with names for what I think he is doing (sleeping, busy etc.), and I put up limits for myself and when I will be available (no tricks, I actually live a busy life so I am genuinely not always available for him).

**R&R** · February 18, 2015, 04:41 PM

One of my big concerns is the OP has been dealing with this for 6 years. In and out of a relationship based on his whims. She is worried he will leave her again if she does the wrong thing or says the wrong thing. I can 100% feel for the OP because I was in a relationship like this for 8 years.

It was on again, off again based on his desires. Never once in that entire time did I ever end the relationship - it was always him. And then after a couple of months, one time almost a year, we would make up and the cycle would start again. He controlled everything I did. I was able to "keep my friends" but when I'd go out, he would check in with me 1-3 times an hour. When there was a fight, he would get back to me on his timeline. Pushing to talk or trying to work it out would make it worse. Why? Because it was an emotionally abusive & controlling relationship. People like this know how to punish you and make you feel like you deserve it. When the OP stated she had done everything he asked for and the response was if she got what she asked of him - guess what? In this type of relationship, you don't get to ask anything. You always try to please but never quite make it. Him getting someone else pregnant was the beginning of the end for us. (Yes, it should have immediately been the end but there was the whole "I still needed to be there for him" because that is your mindset.) A relationship like this is toxic on so many levels and it needs to end. I look back on those 8 years and wonder how I ever let it get to that - but you really don't see it until after you're fully and completely out of it.

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