Says he still wants to be with me, but acts different

[merlinkitty]

One of my big concerns is the OP has been dealing with this for 6 years. In and out of a relationship based on his whims. She is worried he will leave her again if she does the wrong thing or says the wrong thing. I can 100% feel for the OP because I was in a relationship like this for 8 years.

It was on again, off again based on his desires. Never once in that entire time did I ever end the relationship - it was always him. And then after a couple of months, one time almost a year, we would make up and the cycle would start again. He controlled everything I did. I was able to "keep my friends" but when I'd go out, he would check in with me 1-3 times an hour. When there was a fight, he would get back to me on his timeline. Pushing to talk or trying to work it out would make it worse. Why? Because it was an emotionally abusive & controlling relationship. People like this know how to punish you and make you feel like you deserve it. When the OP stated she had done everything he asked for and the response was if she got what she asked of him - guess what? In this type of relationship, you don't get to ask anything. You always try to please but never quite make it. Him getting someone else pregnant was the beginning of the end for us. (Yes, it should have immediately been the end but there was the whole "I still needed to be there for him" because that is your mindset.) A relationship like this is toxic on so many levels and it needs to end. I look back on those 8 years and wonder how I ever let it get to that - but you really don't see it until after you're fully and completely out of it.

Thank you R&R. I was having trouble verbalizing it myself. I'm kind of reliving my own situation in my head right now and I don't really want to. It went on for 9 years and yeah...idk. I can't talk about it right now cause I'm just feeling it and it's getting to be a little too much, but I do agree with you about the signs in the OP's relationship.

[Miasmata]

R&R touches on some very important points. When everything is that onesided, and you always bend over backwards on the whims of the other person, to the point where the other person decides when the relationship starts and ends ... That's really unhealthy. Please, OP, be honest with yourself - What do you get out of this relationship? When does he show you that you are valuable and good enough how you are? When do you get to have actual impact on how things are handled, on what you do together, etc. ?

[ars224182]

I only ask of him the same he asks of me... And to understand I can't control the negative thoughts that go on in my head my anxiety is pretty severe . I can be difficult to deal with and I've told him if I'm to much just tell me. But he says "no your fine babe". I tried getting him to read these articals about it and how to deal with me when my episodes happen and he keeps brushing it off. That's not who I am though I'm not always like that. And he's not always how he is right now, he can be sweet make me feel better when I'm upset compliment me make me feel good about myself. When we live together were fine. Except for when my depression rears its ugly head. He doesn't understand it. I'm not trying to makes excuses for his behavior he is controlling some times. But he can be a good guy. I really just want this to work....

[Moon]

Hon, if it hasn't worked in 6 years, it probably isn't going to. I'm sorry about that.

[R&R]

I only ask of him the same he asks of me... And to understand I can't control the negative thoughts that go on in my head my anxiety is pretty severe . I can be difficult to deal with and I've told him if I'm to much just tell me. But he says "no your fine babe". I tried getting him to read these articals about it and how to deal with me when my episodes happen and he keeps brushing it off. That's not who I am though I'm not always like that. And he's not always how he is right now, he can be sweet make me feel better when I'm upset compliment me make me feel good about myself. When we live together were fine. Except for when my depression rears its ugly head. He doesn't understand it. I'm not trying to makes excuses for his behavior he is controlling some times. But he can be a good guy. I really just want this to work....

Hon, they can all be good guys sometimes. Mine took me on trips to Texas, California, Hawaii. He spoiled me rotten on the holidays and my birthday. He bought me clothes and spoiled my daughters. He always told me I was beautiful and he loved me. But none of that changes the fact that he was controlling. If he loves you, he should want you to have friends. If he loves you, he should want to learn about depression and what he can do to possibly assist you when it takes hold. He brushes off something that is very important to understanding you as a person and what you are dealing with.

Sometimes wanting something to work isn't the best thing for us. I looked away from my ex-SO cheating on me and getting someone else pregnant because I wanted it to work. I loved him beyond reason and it was the most toxic relationship I had ever been in. Hopefully there will come a point when you will realize that you deserve better. You will understand that you deserve someone who wants to be your partner and understand who you are and enjoys you being yourself. Until that epiphany hits you and you finally wake up to the reality that the relationship you are in isn't healthy, there is nothing any of us can say to help you. My family and friends tried and tried but it had to be me to make the decision to walk away and say I wouldn't live that way any more.

[Honour]

Well I gave him his space last night. Apparently not knowing what it is cause I thougt I was suppose to not text him at all and he got mad because I didn't text him when I went to bed. I probably do share to much because he's the only person I have to talk to. And it is hard I use Tk have friends here and go out and do my own thing but every time I did he'd get mad so I stopped going out, and I lost my friends awhile ago because of a situation that happened when he last visted. He does not like them. They don't like him, so they left because I'm still with him....at this point I don't know what to do because anything I say to him makes him mad. I even stated that I was not trying to argue but just trying to talk and he still gets angry.. He's just started working a few nights at his job and hasn't been getting much sleep, maybe that's why he keeps getting irritated? I've done everything he's asked of me. I love him and I really want this to work he says he does to but I seem to be the only one trying...

In your heart, you know the answer to your questions and excuses for his behaviour. This guy's a control freak. Get out. Period. I agree with R&R, the relationship I had at the age of 16 with a guy a little younger than me ended in tears. He was extremely abusive and controlling of me, tried his behaviour with my mum, and just about anyone who was manipulative. Pathetic excuse of a human being he was, he kept belittling me. "What would you do without me?" I lost my friends, my social life, and started changing. My dad helped me see the light, and I put things to an end with his strength. I built things back up after that, and just smirked whenever I saw him after that. 2-3 months after we split, he got done for stalking and raping a woman he had a crush on. They'd gotten together. She kept going back to him, got beat, put in hospital, everything. "And that could have been me," was my initial thought after the shock and sorrow for the other woman.

Save yourself the heartache now, OP, even if it is painful.

[ars224182]

I'm just going to get my life back and just treat him how he's treating me and see how much he likes it cause nothing I say is getting through to his head. Says that that things that are bother him are irrelevant and can be disscused in the future... Also says he's trying to get through this but I'm making it impossible... What cause I wanna know where we stand and why he's being cold and distant ..when we are already distant enough...also says he's only being that way because I'm forcing him to and I'm the one with the problems and issues and if I can just drop it well be fine. So I'll do exactly what he's says I'll drop it. Just gonna put in as much effort as he does. Told it it goes both ways. He doesn't scare me he's not a bad person I just walk on eggs shells and do what he wants because usually yes he does make me happy and I love the shit out of him and I'm not one to throw away a relationship I put this much work into...

[whatruckus]

I'm just going to get my life back and just treat him how he's treating me and see how much he likes it cause nothing I say is getting through to his head. Says that that things that are bother him are irrelevant and can be disscused in the future... Also says he's trying to get through this but I'm making it impossible... What cause I wanna know where we stand and why he's being cold and distant ..when we are already distant enough...also says he's only being that way because I'm forcing him to and I'm the one with the problems and issues and if I can just drop it well be fine. So I'll do exactly what he's says I'll drop it. Just gonna put in as much effort as he does. Told it it goes both ways. He doesn't scare me he's not a bad person I just walk on eggs shells and do what he wants because usually yes he does make me happy and I love the shit out of him and I'm not one to throw away a relationship I put this much work into...

Doing it back to him isn't going to do anything but exacerbate things. He'll treat you worse. Trust me. I was in a relationship like this for 5 years, all he did was cheat on me and use me. He left me for the last girl he cheated on me with and married her a year later. Now he's her problem. He never changed. No matter what I did. Things never got better.

It's best to leave if you're starting to feel like you need to plot revenge already by treating him how he's treating you.

Also, he DOES scare you if you feel like you need to walk on egg shells around him.

To be honest: He treats you like shit and makes you insecure about yourself and makes your anxiety worse than it should be. This was my exact situation with my ex.

You need to put yourself first, sweetheart. It doesn't matter how much work you've put into this. You're not happy. Can you honestly see yourself marrying him like this? He is never going to change. He is a narcissist and blames you for everything and makes you feel like everything is your fault.

You can start over. With someone who actually treats you with love and respect.

[merlinkitty]

This makes me so sad to read, hun, mostly because I know I'm wasting my breath saying anything. You're in a cycle. This will not change until you do.

I wish I could help you see how everything you're saying right now is screaming how poorly this man is treating you.

You're angry at how inattentive he is so you say you will be inattentive back. You're looking for any response from him, even if it's negative.

You say how he's not listening, that your troubles are a bother to him. If he cared for you in a healthy way, your troubles would be his. They would not be a bother. By saying your troubles are irrelevant he's saying that you are irrelevant to him.

He blames his own inability to understand your depression on you. How screwed up is that concept?! He has responsibility for his own actions. He chooses not to read information you provide him (which you shouldn't have to do by the way) that would help him to understand you better. He chooses to blame you for his fuckwaddery.

He places blame on you for his own actions, or lack thereof, by claiming you are "forcing" him into certain behavior. In what way are you forcing him? Do you force his head under water until he says "I will be distant because you forced me to!" Or is he choosing to because he's emotionally inept to deal with someone as special as you?

He's told you to drop this issue and things will be fine. How satisfying is that to you? You came to us with the initial question of "why is he being so distant?" What problem has he solved by ignoring the issue? What assurance have you received that will comfort you in the knowledge that he will never be distant to you again?

When you say "so I'll do exactly what he's says I'll drop it," the thing that's happened here is he has emotionally battered you into submission. With the threat that he'll take away his attention to you, which you so now crave now that he's managed to bully you into isolation, he has manipulated the behavior he wanted out of you in the first place, which is your quiet acceptance of his negative rule over your mind.

He does scare you. Not in the way my ex may have, but in the way he's manipulated you into utter dependence on his good side. You submit, you agree not to pursue the troubles in your mind because he scares you by the threat he will take away the one thing you think you need: his attention.

Let me paraphrase something for you. "He's not a bad person, he just makes me feel like I must hide my true self from him for fear I might upset him." That's what that sentence looks like to me.

"He makes me happy and I love the shit out of him, except for the fact he does not accept me for the person I am, depression and all."

I felt the same way once. I went through cycles of loving him but hating how he made me feel. And I was going to be damned if all the time and effort I'd put into it was going to waste.

You know what? Realizing that I was worth something, realizing that you are worth something, is a far greater reward than all the time, effort, and misery you feel. Someday, sweetheart, and someday soon I hope, you can look in the mirror and see the beautiful person within and give her a chance to be free.

[Unicorn26]

Very wise words from Merlinkitty.....

I couldn't possibly top that. Just know, I was in a relationship like yours for over 20 years. Nothing I did ever changed the way he was towards me. He totally destroyed every ounce of self confidence I had and it was only when I realised how damaging it was to my two daughters to witness that behaviour on a daily basis, and the fear that they may chose a man like that and end up in abusive relationships too.... Well that was it for me.

I do understand, my husband was sweet and generous on occasions, I have lots of diamonds and jewellery collection that's worth ten of thousands of pounds, he was always lovely to my friends, but behind closed doors he was a monster.

Get out of this while you can, before children and property become an issue. I wish I'd listened to my instincts earlier and done something sbout this before I became a mother and a joint home owner. I'm now stuck with him in my life forever as we have children together. He's still controlling, still causes me stress and upset, sometimes I feel I will never escape.

Please take on board what has been said to you here, we want to help you.

[p_b82]

I do not have anything else to add that has not been said by others with actual experience of those sorts of situations.

But the cliché of you deserve to be treated better is ringing very true to me right now.

I hope you can be strong, and walk out of this guy's life for good and never look back - get some help on your depression, and the damage that a relationship like this will have done to your psyche. Rebuild your friendships and self confidence and finda man that will treat you right all the time, not just when he feels guilty!

[differentcountries]

He doesn't scare me he's not a bad person I just walk on eggs shells and do what he wants because usually yes he does make me happy

There are two reasons why people are walking on eggshells and do whatever the other person ask:

One reason is, as others have said, abusive relationships. One person demands, another obeys. One person is important, the other is not.

The other reason is very bad self confidance. Then the person with bad self esteem may create a situation where she sort of abuses herself within a normal relationship. She thinks love is to bring forward her complaints in very vauge ways.

Regardless of the reason, any situation where people walk on eggshells is very, very distructive. If you have problems, get help. In a healthy relationship where people have ok self esteem, they change for oneanother but they don't disappear as people or stop saying what is on their minds. There is absolutely no reason why his ways of doing things should become a golden standard in your relationship.

[ars224182]

I'm just gonna give it a few weeks. He's working 60+ hours a week maybes he's stressed of it doesn't get better than I owe it to the both of us to end it so were not misrable. Because idk about him but I'm tired of feeling this way.

[merlinkitty]

I'm tired of feeling this way.

This is the best thing I've heard so far

[R&R]

I'm just gonna give it a few weeks. He's working 60+ hours a week maybes he's stressed of it doesn't get better than I owe it to the both of us to end it so were not misrable. Because idk about him but I'm tired of feeling this way.

The bolded part, I completely agree with. You deserve to feel good, happy, satisfied, content, etc. Nobody should feel the way you've been feeling.

The 60+ hours though is just another excuse. (Trust me, I was the Queen of Excuses in my relationship....even when he got the other girl pregnant I had an excuse for him.) You've been doing this off and on for 6 years. Another few weeks is NOT going to change him or your situation. You're just dragging out the inevitable. Aren't you tired?