Should We Pursue It?

[tianajade]

Should I end a friendship because stronger feelings are developing and a relationship seems impossible?

The distance is the issue. Granted, it's only 2,000km, but it's still a large amount of distance for a couple, and time and money will prevent us from meeting often. The feelings are mutual between myself and my friend, but we're both aware that forming a relationship would be difficult. Thing is, the feelings are so strong, that it could affect the friendship if we do nothing about it. Knowing we can't be together, puts strain on the friendship. We have met in real life once, for 9 days, and once I was back home I realised how hard it was to be away from him. I'm uncertain I'll be able to handle the distance for an indefinite amount of time. I already miss his presence after only a few days of being back home, and it seems like it'll only worsen the longer we wait to see each other again. For now, we're just floating around the idea of a LDR, but I don't think it's a good option right now. We have spoken about just making a commitment to one another, and waiting for the right moment to be together, if there will be one in the future. Is that the best way to go? To just live our lives, remain friends, and see where life, the future, takes us?

Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.

[p_b82]

I was in a similar position to you, and we jointly decided to make a thing of it.

what I had to work out myself, and you are the only one that can do this, is what you are you going to regret more?

The fact you never tried to see if it worked - and then taking however it goes in your stride; Or never knowing and wondering for the rest of your life.....

Personally for me, the unknown aspect was worse, and so I agreed to enter into a relationship.... I wish I could tell you it was fairytail ending, but it wasn't.

right now the relationship ended a month or so ago, and the friendship is in tatters - we knew each other for 3 years and were very close before we tried the LDR thing. However I still would not change the outcome, with hindsight..... change a few things along the way for sure, but if it ended the same way, I now know I tried, and so that aspect will not eat me up for the rest of time!

Personally I would not end a friendship even if you chose not to persue anything more.... good friends are hard to come by, even if at times it makes some conversations more difficualt to have

[Mims27]

When my GF and I started having feelings for each other, I asked myself the same exact questions. Among so many others. At that time we were about the same amount of kilometers as you. She lived in Atlanta and I live in Ontario. The only thing I can tell you is just go with the flow. It's not impossible. If you like this person and he likes you, why put an end to it just because of distance? If you both are willing to try it, then you should. My SO and I have not been doing it for 5 years! But we are getting married in April. You would be surprised what love can make you do and how strong it can make you. Is it hard, damn right it is, but it's worth it. It has been for me anyway!

Good luck!

[80anthea]

We were friends first too, I think the best relationships are based on friendship to be honest. When we decided to give it a go and have a relationship we both said that our friendship was more important and whatever happened we'd still be friends. Now over two years on, I doubt this would actually happen as if we broke up I really don't think I'd cope with just being friends but it was a good basis to start from.

[merlinkitty]

We started off as friends as well. Early on I could tell there was the mutual attraction there, but while we flirted, it didn't go much past that for a while. I started to realize I was developing stronger feelings, which were initially rebuffed. He told me the thing that hurt the most; the distance was the problem, not the girl. Devastating. I took a ten day break from talking to him. This is the longest we've gone without talking.

When I came back, he said he'd missed me. First time he'd said that, and we started talking again, still as friends, but it was at this point he decided he wanted to meet. We're still the best of friends, it was so scary to tell him I had feelings for him, but the risk and potential regret of not trying to open up that dialogue were far greater to me.

Now while we still haven't met, soon to be rectified, he said he wanted that chance to meet before we took it to the next step. That's a decision you'll have to make on your own. The distance sucks, but frankly for me it's been worth it.

[tianajade]

........

[Moon]

The only problem with taking a chance and going into the relationship, is if it doesn't work out and one or both of us are left heartbroken. That's a pretty horrible feeling that I try to avoid as much as I realistically can. But, I guess, I'd have to look at it in a way that I took the chance, and I shouldn't regret the experience. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But I suppose it is something to consider.

May I ask what happened to your relationship and friendship?

You'd still be taking that chance, regardless of the distance. When making the choice to be in a relationship with someone, that risk is always there, LD or CD.

[Honour]

The only problem with taking a chance and going into the relationship, is if it doesn't work out and one or both of us are left heartbroken. That's a pretty horrible feeling that I try to avoid as much as I realistically can. But, I guess, I'd have to look at it in a way that I took the chance, and I shouldn't regret the experience. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But I suppose it is something to consider.

May I ask what happened to your relationship and friendship?

Sometimes... you have to take a leap of faith, or you will never know.

I never planned on ending up in another LDR. Some might call me a "veteran," I've been called it before, when it comes to long distance, but in actual fact it doesn't really matter how many relationships you have and fail, they all hurt the same if they don't work out, though circumstances might make the pain all the worse. I tried to push my SO away to begin with because I was afraid of ending up with a broken heart again. Here I am 3 months later almost, and I've never been so happy in my life with anyone. He completes me in ways I could never have imagined, but always hoped he would.

I would say go for it. Seriously! You will never know until you ask.

[tianajade]

I was in a similar position to you, and we jointly decided to make a thing of it.

what I had to work out myself, and you are the only one that can do this, is what you are you going to regret more?

The fact you never tried to see if it worked - and then taking however it goes in your stride; Or never knowing and wondering for the rest of your life.....

Personally for me, the unknown aspect was worse, and so I agreed to enter into a relationship.... I wish I could tell you it was fairytail ending, but it wasn't.

right now the relationship ended a month or so ago, and the friendship is in tatters - we knew each other for 3 years and were very close before we tried the LDR thing. However I still would not change the outcome, with hindsight..... change a few things along the way for sure, but if it ended the same way, I now know I tried, and so that aspect will not eat me up for the rest of time!

Personally I would not end a friendship even if you chose not to persue anything more.... good friends are hard to come by, even if at times it makes some conversations more difficualt to have

The only problem with taking a chance and going into the relationship, is if it doesn't work out and one or both of us are left heartbroken. That's a pretty horrible feeling that I try to avoid as much as I realistically can. But, I guess, I'd have to look at it in a way that I took the chance, and I shouldn't regret the experience. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But I suppose it is something to consider.

May I ask what happened to your relationship and friendship?

[differentcountries]

When me and my husband developed feelings after 4 years of friendship, I knew it was a relationship or nothing. Especially my husband, then friend, would not be able to just stay friends. The dice was tossed. I knew that I risked loosing him as a friend but if I didn't pursuit the relationship for sure I would loose him. He had already told me he loved me so there was really no turning back. Now we have been a couple almost 11 years.

[Miasmata]

I guess, I'd have to look at it in a way that I took the chance, and I shouldn't regret the experience. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But I suppose it is something to consider.

You got it!

Don't forget: By having these feelings, whether you really like it or not, things have already changed to a degree. Humans aren't robots, you can't supress all hints and behaviour changes that come in this situation. A lot are so subtle you won't notice them even if you watch yourself like a hawk. The question now is simply if you want to give it a try or not. I can't tell you what to do here, but as you said yourself, it will at the very least be an experience you can cherish. The way I see it, if you don't give things a shot, you'll be forever wondering what could have been.

[p_b82]

The only problem with taking a chance and going into the relationship, is if it doesn't work out and one or both of us are left heartbroken. That's a pretty horrible feeling that I try to avoid as much as I realistically can. But, I guess, I'd have to look at it in a way that I took the chance, and I shouldn't regret the experience. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But I suppose it is something to consider.

May I ask what happened to your relationship and friendship?

Well the relationship ended when she decided that while she loves me with all that she is, she was no longer in love with me, and did not want to purse the relationship anymore, as she felt she would end up hurting more in the long run if the spark could not be rekindled.

Don't get me wrong, things were no all rosy, but this did come out the blue and I have put a couple of threads on the forum about it already so won't repeat it here, but the advanced search should show them up

As to the friendship, well I am doing my best to maintain it, although that is easier said than done when there is no communication. (although today there is progress on that front so who knows)

I would be lying if I said that it has not been hard to lose my lover and friend for the best part of the last 2 months, but as I have said to her, if this was a science experiement and I was repeating it to see if the result would be different, even though I knew it probably would not be, I would make the same choice. I would do a few things differently - hindsight is wonderful in that respect; but while it did not end in the way I dreamt, I have taken positives out of the (failed) relationship that will stand me in good stead for the rest of my life. I think it would be very different if we had not been friends for as long as we were before we got romantically involved though - I expect the pain of the breakup would have caused me to cut all ties.

Not every lesson we learn is a lesson we want to repeat, but when something good comes of it, I still will take it on balance - I am not a risk taker by nature, but I do not like regrets either.

And as the saying goes, you have to speculate to accumulate, so you have to take that leap of faith on occasion. some people can't/won't and that is also fine, as long as they can live with it.

[tianajade]

You got it!

Don't forget: By having these feelings, whether you really like it or not, things have already changed to a degree. Humans aren't robots, you can't supress all hints and behaviour changes that come in this situation. A lot are so subtle you won't notice them even if you watch yourself like a hawk. The question now is simply if you want to give it a try or not. I can't tell you what to do here, but as you said yourself, it will at the very least be an experience you can cherish. The way I see it, if you don't give things a shot, you'll be forever wondering what could have been.

That is very true, things are already different, already changing because of these feelings. In the beginning, I just irrationally assumed saying goodbye to him would help make the feelings go away with time. But, to be honest, it'd probably still hurt for a long time. And I shouldn't cut contact with someone who makes me happy. Sticking around and giving things a shot, despite the risk of it not working, is still the better option than just giving up. Thank you for your words!

[Dwessie]

Should I end a friendship because stronger feelings are developing and a relationship seems impossible?

The distance is the issue. Granted, it's only 2,000km, but it's still a large amount of distance for a couple, and time and money will prevent us from meeting often. The feelings are mutual between myself and my friend, but we're both aware that forming a relationship would be difficult. Thing is, the feelings are so strong, that it could affect the friendship if we do nothing about it. Knowing we can't be together, puts strain on the friendship. We have met in real life once, for 9 days, and once I was back home I realised how hard it was to be away from him. I'm uncertain I'll be able to handle the distance for an indefinite amount of time. I already miss his presence after only a few days of being back home, and it seems like it'll only worsen the longer we wait to see each other again. For now, we're just floating around the idea of a LDR, but I don't think it's a good option right now. We have spoken about just making a commitment to one another, and waiting for the right moment to be together, if there will be one in the future. Is that the best way to go? To just live our lives, remain friends, and see where life, the future, takes us?

Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.

What I don't get is why you HAVE TO end the friendship
Even if you don't date, why can't you just carry on like the feelings aren't there until you get over them?

[tianajade]

What I don't get is why you HAVE TO end the friendship
Even if you don't date, why can't you just carry on like the feelings aren't there until you get over them?

Because it's not that simple or easy. The feelings are strong, they can't be ignored, and we can't get over them. Talking will only increase those feelings as time goes on, not make us forget them.