Advice? Little hope of closing the distance any time soon

[sensume]

Hi everyone - long time lurker, first time poster. I've always appreciated the compassion that is shown around here and I'm hoping I can get some advice. I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible.

Me: college senior, getting ready to graduate, stressing about what I'm going to do afterwards. My major is internationally-minded but I do want to move back to my hometown (thousands of miles away from my school) eventually - not sure when or how. I want to see the world first and live on my own.

Him: college dropout, lives at home with his parents (who he finds insufferable), has a few friends he also finds insufferable, but after a couple years of job hopping has a job he likes and thinks he can make into a career (service technician).

Us: together since I began college, from the same hometown, which has a very very high cost of living and a stagnant tourism-driven job market. We both want to settle down there.

The problem: I don't want to move home yet. He originally said he would move to be with me, but has backed off since he got this job (part of the reason being that he "doesn't think he can do better" and has to "take what he can get" with his "limited" skills). I've applied to overseas programs but he's admitted he would be relieved if I didn't get in and just came home. My boyfriend also has this hangup about wanting to own his own home, and justifies not getting his own place and renting because of this - which is fine. But again, his parents make him miserable. Suicidal thinking is not foreign to him, and this gets worse when his parents treat him especially badly. He's not saving any money, and I'm broke too

I absolutely love where I am from but I do not want to be stuck in the tourism industry (which is what I've been doing, and what is common - when I go home for the summer I work with a lot of middle-aged people in this industry because there are so few jobs, so I would expect to be doing this caliber of work for at least a few years). I would have no qualms moving in with my family if I did move home, but if I can make it elsewhere, I would like to try. If I were to move home, I can see myself pursuing a kind of freelance career, at least in part, if I had more skills. I suppose I could just move home and try that, but life experience is something I really value.

I feel like a broken record bringing this up to him, and it doesn't help that I'm not particularly satisfied being long-distance. He won't call or skype because he doesn't want to bother his parents or he's with his friends. I feel like I can't ask for more because he'll just respond with "I obviously don't satisfy you so you should just leave." Summers are absolutely wonderful. I truly believe he is worth it, despite us not having the closest LDR. Even though he says such disparaging things to me when I bring up our problems, he often praises our relationship a lot.

Many of his issues, I think, tie to what I think is some deep depression. He acknowledges it, but he won't seek help (and I know I can't just fix something like this myself, I've tried). He says there's no choice but to "just get through it." I don't understand that, but I hate triggering his depression even more.

I feel like not trying to challenge myself professionally and just moving home would be something I will regret, but at the same time I feel like pursuing my dreams implies that I don't take this relationship seriously (but I do!). I'm just really lost and these issues are really affecting my quality of life as I try to finish college.

Has anyone had to choose between a partner and a career? How do you decide who moves? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Miasmata]

The tripup for me in your post is his depression. As someone with depressive issues herself and in a relationship with a depressed person, let me tell you right now - Something has to change there. Mental illnesses in general are no hinderance in having a positive, strong relationship, but it does mean that you need to be vigilant about issues cropping up. To make a life with mental illness stable and reliably productive, a good support network is necessary, and part of that is pretty much always a professional counselor or therapist. You can't be his therapist. Depression is very deceptive in this situation, since it basically acts like a selfsustaining parasite - It basically makes you behave and think in ways that directly make you avoid things that would be good for you. That's why it's all the more important that he realizes this and seeks professional help, because if he even knows he's depressed, but doesn't seek help, this WILL have a negative impact on your relationship. As it looks, it even already does. Without the support network and professional support he really seems to need, you will basically continue being at the receiving end of his problems, and that is going to lead to resentment sooner or later. You're a person, not a punching bag, but whether he likes it or not, with his behaviour he's making you his punching bag.

I think a lot of the other issues you mention could be sorted much easier and in a more productive fashion if he was getting the help he needed. From my experience, depression looms like a cloud over everything you do and think, and it's going to continue being that way with any plans you two make in the future. As said, depressed people are perfectly capable of leading a positive, stable relationship, but only if they invest the effort to take care of themselves and find the help they need. I do that every day, and it's hard sometimes, but I know I'm worth this effort and so is my relationship. Please, urge your SO to understand that he deserves to feel better, and that this will drag you both down if it goes unchecked.

Best of luck, okay? Don't be afraid to be honest with him. He's an adult, and needs to understand that his wellbeing has an impact on the both of you.

[sensume]

Thank you so very much for your reply. It's hard to see the person you love (from far away at that) and realize that no matter how strong your relationship is, they still suffer so much. You've given me a lot to think about, and I will seriously consider how to approach telling him about my wanting him to get help.

Thank you so much again!

[p_b82]

As some-one who has his own battles with depression too, and an ex who is bipolar, I know where you are coming from, and Miasmata has some very valid points.

One thing that I would say, is that from what your wrote, I do not think you are actually happy in the relationship - yes when together it is good, but you appear to want a different path in life to your BF, and he seems to be unwilling to compromise. I mean not talking at all on the phone ever seems pretty harsh to me, but if you are actually happy with that, then fair play to you, it is your relationship not mine.

If your BF decides he is going to settle at home, and not talk to you, and you want to take a job that takes you even further away, what is the actual benefit to you, and your emotional state to remain in the relationship?

It is never easy to ask the question 'what is in it for me' but sometimes you have to do just that, when you start to feel resentment or anger towards a person due to their actions, it is very difficult to let that go without something changing, either within yourself or within the other person.

I recently broke up with my GF, our relationship became toxic due to resentment we were unable to vocalise, and after having a long heart to heart last night (we are trying to remain friends and actually repair the damage the relationship caused), we both spotted every single one of the 'warnings' at the time they happened but overlooked them 'in the name of love' as a result, we have both ended up being hurt badly - but for very different reasons.

So I would suggest you look within yourself and ask yourself does this relationship make you happy, and if you follow your own dreams, will your life be better or worse on balance to remain in the current relationship?

[merlinkitty]

I don't really have anything to add to this except to reiterate what Miasmata and p_b82 have both said. My SO and I both suffer from depression, but because we seek help and are proactive about it, we're able to work through our issues when they come up. What p_b82 said about how you both seem to want different things out of life right now was something I picked up on when reading your post as well. Selfishness always has this negative connotation, but I don't think that's always true. When it comes to questions about your career and future life, I think selfishness is a very good thing.

Your SO seems to have little ambition career wise or on the personal front, which I'm sure is caused in part by his depression, while you seem to see the world in front of you and want to grab it by both hands. I'm really excited for you. The place you're at in your life (just finishing college and the beginning of your career) is a fantastic place to be.

As far as his lack of communication goes, while you seem to accept it for what it is, you don't seem really happy with it. He also doesn't really seem to support your vision for yourself, which I find a little troubling. My SO is contemplating coming to the US to finish university. While I work for a rather large one myself, I would never push him to come to me because I'm afraid to get out of my comfort zone. The opportunities here for him might not be what he needs. And I need for him to be selfish and do what's best for him because I know that's going to make him a happier, more satisfied person. If he and I do work out in the long run, we're going to work out much better if both of us are relatively happy in our career choices.

You have a choice now, to take a chance or settle. It's really on you what decide to do, but I would hate to see your excitement for new beginnings put on the shelf. A time like you're in right now never really comes again in your life.