Relationship is falling apart - urgent help needed!

[Honour]

Break-ups are only as difficult as you make them for yourself and those around you, at least that's what experience has taught me.

[merlinkitty]

I wouldn't know how to find I girl like that (only the part when we're close!) again.

You will. There are approximately 3.6 billion women in the world. There's someone out there much better for you.

And what makes it even harder is that I cannot get any closure, because we're in a constant argument state.

You probably won't receive any closure that's going to make you feel better. Try to start accepting this for your own mental wellbeing.

I deal with depression and other mental and personality issues myself, so I tend to attach myself very tightly to any potentially positive thing in my life.

I deal with depression myself. Tending to attach oneself to "potentially positive things" is a passive way of choosing the positive influences in your life. You must be an active participant in the choices you make. Do not let people choose you. Do not let situations choose you. Choose them yourself. And choose them wisely.

I also can't get out of my head the fact that she is hurt, and that she has her version of the story. As much as I'm aware that she is abusing of me, I also know she isn't doing it consciously... which makes it even worse for me because I feel sorry and angry at the same time.

Start trying to accept that her version of reality does not match up with actual reality. I've found when I started making excuses for people's misconstrued versions of reality I began believing them. The human mind is a powerful thing. I once doubted my own sense of smell because I allowed someone to infiltrate my mind and change my perceptions of reality. Don't make excuses for the fact that she doesn't seem to know which way is up right now. I was with a man for 9 years. To this day I don't think he intended any of what he did to me. I would hate to believe that I was with someone who emotionally abused me for almost a decade intended to do that to me. But what I am saying is it doesn't change the fact that because you seem to be in a vunerable emotional state, someone, even without conscious intentions to do so, can take advantage and manipulate your thoughts. Be in control of your own mind. Be aware of the devices she uses, intentional or not.

So at this point, the question might be what the best way is to get over her and leave...


Miasmata: She clearly said we've broken up and that she's single. In the end, she did contact me again, just to argue further. I did previously tell her that I wish to respected too, and that this attitude isn't going to bring us anywhere, but her response was that I'm belittling her, that I'm blaming her and that I think she's crazy. She's 100% sure I'm after my ex, and she tells me to go to her, to marry her and so on. Obviously no matter what I say, I can't make her understand that I don't care about my ex. This is another thing that frustrates me...

Right now you've placed the power in her bouncing off the wall little hands. Please, take it back for yourself. Try to take your emotions away from this. Own them for yourself. Do not allow her ramblings to frustrate you. You will never get that mind of her's to understand reason.

So at this point, what do I say? I know exactly that if I give her an ultimatum or I say that I want to be respected or anything alike she will just point out that she's the one who needs to be respected.

I suspect you're beyond giving her an ultimatum. She's already broken up with you.

I suspect if I say I want to let go she'll let me.

She's already let you go.

What I can't do is just disappear without saying anything

That's exactly what I'd do. Any conversation you have with her at this point is going to be argumentative, blaming, and insulting. She's already done the business of breaking up with you. Personally I don't think she deserves anymore of your time.

since her previous boyfriends did that

Ask yourself "why did they all just disappear on her?" Was she treating them the same way she's treating you?

If I ask her to give me another chance, she will at some point

Just don't.

and the circle will just start all over again.

Because you're right. Let this door shut quietly. Take care of yourself. And stay here if you need to talk.

[Miasmata]

Merlinkitty hit the nail so hard on the head that I can't really add anything. I hope you take this to heart, OP, seek professional help if you don't have it aready and most of all, remember that you are deserving AND capable of finding better things and people in life. You are worth it, and you can get there.

[p_b82]

Yep merlinkitty has replied to you in the only way that is needed.

Do not respond to her, cut contact, and block her so that if she tries to dig the knife in further you don't get to see it. This is by the the easiest way to deal with your breakup based on the things you wrote.

You are far to mentally attached to her, to have the willpower to avoid her - and so I think that is your only option.

There is a 'better' person out there for you, as you should not be feeling any of the things you are, if you are in a good and solid relationship with some-one.

you mention that her history is repeating, and therefore, you have tried to help her avoid it, it is no longer your responsibility - she is solely responsible for her interactions with the world, and if she wants to continue to rant and rave, and not change her behaviour then the patterns will repeat until she makes that effort to alter things - this however is NOT *YOUR* PROBLEM anymore as she broke up with you.

[Honour]

A fresh start is what you need, OP. And we've given you all the advice we can to give you the best start, but whether you listen? That's entirely up to you, of course...

[aya91]

A fresh start is what you need, OP. And we've given you all the advice we can to give you the best start, but whether you listen? That's entirely up to you, of course...

Thank you for all the answers.

It's over. It hurts like hell.

[merlinkitty]

Thank you for all the answers.

It's over. It hurts like hell.

If you need to talk it out/vent we're here. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you'll be in a better place. Give yourself some time.

[Dwessie]

She wants an actual proof that I'm not cheating, and the fact that she hasn't got it for her means that I broke a promise, which makes everything even worse.

She only answers with "I hate you", "Never talk to me again", "You're a liar", "You're a cheater" and so on.
There's no way to talk to her right now.

So I guess I should just give up? I really don't know what to do...

"The One" for you or not, she is not mature enough for this relationship, plain and simple. I've talked to five year olds that were less of a pissbaby than her.

[aya91]

If you need to talk it out/vent we're here. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you'll be in a better place. Give yourself some time.

Right now I still consider her the perfect partner, so I'll have to get over that thought. With my limited social skills (autism), I cannot hope to find a better or more beautiful partner than her (positive sides only).
She said she'll look for another guy to get over me, so she's basically doing to me what she feared so much I'd do to her.
Right now I'm still stuck in the mentality that this is a hug loss for me... I hope I'll manage to realise how harmful this was, but right now I just see my feelings for her.

I don't really know how to do this. It's the 3rd time I get replaced and every time it hurts more, and I still blame myself.

How do I get over someone?

[merlinkitty]

Right now I still consider her the perfect partner, so I'll have to get over that thought. With my limited social skills (autism), I cannot hope to find a better or more beautiful partner than her (positive sides only).
She said she'll look for another guy to get over me, so she's basically doing to me what she feared so much I'd do to her.
Right now I'm still stuck in the mentality that this is a hug loss for me... I hope I'll manage to realise how harmful this was, but right now I just see my feelings for her.

I don't really know how to do this. It's the 3rd time I get replaced and every time it hurts more, and I still blame myself.

How do I get over someone?

Getting over someone is a very personal journey for me. I usually take a year or two before entering anything again because I feel like I need some time to reflect, learn, and put myself back together again. I always think about the things I didn't like, what I would do differently, and give myself some time to mourn the loss of it. I feel like if I spend a little time on myself, then I'll be better for the next one that comes along. The amount of time isn't really specific. To each person it's part of your individual journey. It just takes about a year or sometimes more for me to get my head together again enough to the point I'm wanting to date someone else after a break up

You know one of the really good things about this situation that you're coming through is you got to experience another person. You got to see some really good things that you liked and some really negative things that you didn't like. She had some traits in her that you can say "hey, this is something I value and I'd like to find in someone down the line." And for her negative traits, like the jealousy, you can start saying things like "this is a red flag to me. I don't want to get involved with someone who doesn't have their insecurity issues properly under control."

Also, regardless what she may have told you about her plans to move on (that wasn't very mature of her, by the way. She should have kept those thoughts to herself) try not to look at this from a perspective of being "replaced" or somehow being found wanting. Instead, try think about this as a lucky opportunity for you. She seems to have a poisonous side to her and I'm glad you were able to get away from that

I'm sharing a link with you from a blog I really like. It starts off from the point of view of someone doing the breaking up, but most of what he says can be applied to either party really the only thing I can suggest though is not to do what your ex is doing, which is rushing into another relationship. I'm a pretty big advocate of taking a little time for healing before rushing into something new. It gives you a chance to put yourself back together again so you don't take your current issues into future relationships

https://markmanson.net/break-up

[Hollandia]

Consider as the 5 stages of grief. Real or perceived, you need to grieve the loss as such.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...d-relationship

[p_b82]

As has been said, do not put all the blame on yourself in this situation, be kind to yourself, you are hurt and wounded after all.

Keep doing things in your regular routine, and avoid trying to find some-one to 'make you feel better' once you start to feel better yourself, then go out looking for some-one to compliment you, or don't look at all, and you may well be surprised when they land on the doorstep as it were!

Take this experience as just that, and work out for yourself the type of partner that you want next time - you know a few personality traits that cause you difficulties now, so if the next person you meet displays them, move on before you get too attached. It may take some time to find the 'right one' but you will, but don't be desperate to jump into anything too quickly or the first one that appears.... rebounds rarely last as they carry baggage not yet resolved into them, or you miss warning signs that if you mental state was healthier, you would have picked up on before.

Hang in there, I know how much you are hurting!

[Miasmata]

The previous posters said what I meant to already. You can and will come out of this, stronger and better than before. Take good care of yourself, and don't think you're a lost cause, because you're not. Give yourself the time to heal and nurture before you try something new, but don't see this situation as more than an unfortunate setback. There are plenty of people out there who know how to treat someone with respect and care, and one of them will be right for you.

And while social issues are definitely a hurdle, they are one that can be overcome. Take it from someone who's autistic and is in a relationship with a fellow autist. We're not incapable of finding and leading healthy relationships. That goes for me, my SO, and it definitely goes for you too. Autism isn't a dead end, just a hurdle you can learn to jump over.

[Honour]

I confess one of my male friends is an autistic guy, and he only recently found out in the past 1-2 years. Just because you have this does NOT mean you are incapable of finding someone else, of doing what you love, socialising etc. You are only limited on what you limit yourself to, or what others try to limit you to! Getting over someone is never easy, but seeing this from an unbiased, outsider point of view, she's doing everything she can to dig her heel in and make you feel like shit. She's giving you a taste of her fears, and trying to derail you entirely. You see her with perfection because you still feel for her, but she is TOXIC. Take it from me, aya, she wants to hurt you badly because you made a mistake, and she is succeeding.

You have to cut contact NOW if you haven't already. Now is the time for you, not her. YOU are more important in all of this, not pining for her, anymore. I'm sorry, but she's made it clear she doesn't care as much as you did for her.

Cry the pain away. Then start moving on with your life. The world isn't ending, even if it feels like it. It's just pain we all experience at some point in our lives, so you aren't alone.