I need help/advice in my 3 year long distance relationship

[jguerra]

Hi, I'm 21 years old living in Michigan. I just want to get right to the point. I've been dating this girl from the Philippines for almost 3 years. We use Skype, talk to each other on the phone, send messages on Facebook, typical long distance relationship. There is a lot of tension, jealousy and arguing between her and I.. well, because, its long distance. The reasons I am posting this is because I promised and promised her I would go there to see her. But every year I always tell her to wait for the next because I can't go. My current situation is a mess. There are so many complications in my life right now, it makes it utterly impossible.. and to make things even worse, yesterday she told me she was RAPED. All I want to do is get up and go, but I cant. This is why I'm reaching out to somebody for help or advice. There is so much going on between her and I and I haven't told my family about this relationship either. Enough is enough and I want to settle this once and for all.

[xjustxinxtimex]

I am also in the USA and I am in an LDR with someone in the Philippines. Just not for as long. So I get where you are coming from. But if you cant afford to go then you cant afford to go. If its not a matter of money and she has a passport then pay for her to come here. Other than that I don't know what anyone can say to help because there's not much details to go on. What are the complications exactly?

I want to visit my SO badly too. Right now I'm trying to look for better job and/or a part time job to help. Once I find something then I plan to move to a cheaper place to live. That way I can save money to go. I don't know if that is any help to you or not?

[Honour]

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to your SO She needs you in this difficult time, so do what you can to be there for her, and support her, though I'm sure you already are doing that. Depending on what those complications are, is there any way you can get go and see her soon? Constantly promising to go and visit her are probably playing on her mind and the fact you haven't been able to go yet, for whatever reason, will no doubt have affected her. The constant let-down and getting her hopes up isn't exactly the best thing to experience, and it may cause her to see you in a somewhat different light. I'm not judging, it's just difficult to give accurate advice with little detail.

[jguerra]

Well right now i currently have over $2k saved up. Im really trying to go this summer in August.


The complications I have is my mother who is severely ill. She suffered from 5 strokes and needs care but I dont think going to the philippines wont be a problem cause my family can take care of her. I also want my family to be supportive but I havent told them about her so if I tell them they might say things to discourage me to go. I just need a couple thousand more to go see her for a couple weeks. I love her to death and never want to lose her

[BlueCat]

I wouldn't promise her something that you're not sure you can give her. My SO is very good at promising things, but not so good at keeping those promises and it can be heartbreaking. I know he doesn't mean not to keep them, it's just how things turn out, but I would prefer he hadn't made the promise in the first place. I know some people promise things simply to placate a situation with no intention of following through and those are the really painful ones. But I think it's better just not to keep promising her "next year, next year" because eventually she'll stop believing you.

[xjustxinxtimex]

Well right now i currently have over $2k saved up. Im really trying to go this summer in August.


The complications I have is my mother who is severely ill. She suffered from 5 strokes and needs care but I dont think going to the philippines wont be a problem cause my family can take care of her. I also want my family to be supportive but I havent told them about her so if I tell them they might say things to discourage me to go. I just need a couple thousand more to go see her for a couple weeks. I love her to death and never want to lose her

Hm, I see. Well if you only have half the money saved that you need. And you really want to go then maybe you could only go for half the time you planned? Have you talked to her about you going there since she told you the bad news? You must consider her feelings too. Also you might consider your family too. I understand how you feel but your family is also important. I think you are stressing yourself out a lot. Just try to calm down and think rationally about the situation. I wish I could be more help to you I definitely understand you feeling how bad you want to go but I think in all its just the decision you have to make. I hope maybe this helps or that someone can help you better and I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Miasmata]

All I got to add is that rape is a deeply traumatic event, and your patience and support are all the more important now. Encourage her to talk to a professional when she feels ready, the police too, but give her time to open up on her own terms. Going to the police/a therapist are both so important, but sadly even plenty of law enforcers and professionals don't know how to handle the matter right. It's a real dilemma. Best you can do is being patient and supportive, and encourage her to reach out, but don't pressure her. You can't fix this trauma, but you can do plenty of meaningful and supportive things for her within your relationship. All the best to you both!!

[Unconditional]

I have to agree with BlueCat- stop making promises of next year as each year that doesn't happen her trust in those promises are gone. Simply say, I will try to make it out this year instead of, I will make it out there. Trying is better than nothing in my opinion.

I also agree with justintime. I have nothing really to add accept, if you feel so strongly about her do not let your family's opinion carry so much weight as to discourage you from going to atleast meet her. Granted, their opinion is somewhat important, remember that they do not really know her like you do, nor are they probably open to the idea of your relationship be "valid" to them.

Editing to say keep in mind what Miasmata has said. Rape takes a huge toll on the victim. It is one of the most tramatic things other than being diagnosed with cancer that can screw with a person, mentally and emotionally.

[jguerra]

Since she told me about it, I told her im coming towards the middle-end of this year but it I may go sooner. But she JUST told me the rape incident happened last January in 2014! Why would she not tell me for a year?! Not only that but she didn't even go To the police and her family knows nothing about it! She said the rapist said "if you report me, I'll kill you" do you think this is why she kept her mouth closed?

[Unconditional]

Since she told me about it, I told her im coming towards the middle-end of this year but it I may go sooner. But she JUST told me the rape incident happened last January in 2014! Why would she not tell me for a year?! Not only that but she didn't even go To the police and her family knows nothing about it! She said the rapist said "if you report me, I'll kill you" do you think this is why she kept her mouth closed?

honestly? Um YES. If that happened to me you bet your sweet tea I would not be tellin nobody for some time! Do you understand how traumatic the incident was? To feel scared, angry, and also ashamed for what happened though none of it was your fault- I can only imagine how she feels.
She went through this incident and you don't think that alone would scare her enough to not tell anyone for such a long time? I just- I cannot believe you are questioning her motives- atleast that is what it read like.

[jguerra]

I love her to death! She cheated on me once, not physically but through facebook. I got into her messages and found out that way. And that was after she was raped! But since then she has been loyal and honest. It took awhile to gain her trust but were back to normal. Thats the only reason I said that in the previous post.

[Miasmata]

Read again what me and Unconditional wrote. People need time dealing with huge trauma. I don't think you are even remotely grasping how horrid and traumatizing rape is. That specific situation isn't about you, it's about her, and instead of letting your mind run rampant, you should give her the time and support she needs. I understand you're upset and confused, but running in circles and questioning her is not going to do any good now. Ask her what she needs, give her support. This is a tough situation, but you can get through it if you listen to her and her needs now.

[Unconditional]

I also never said you did not love her. I do not question that. I question the way you are acting right now. The fact that you seem to be caring more about how this all comes to suit you rather than how she feels- what she needs. Perhaps I am in the minority in reading that throughout your post- but I will stick by what I say.

[jguerra]

Shes sleeping now. When she wakes up im going to apologize to her. Sorry guys, but it affected me so bad. Like, I was in tears for days. I was asking and asking her and now I feel so bad. I'd never do anything bad to her. I was just scared and panicking.

[Unconditional]

Shes sleeping now. When she wakes up im going to apologize to her. Sorry guys, but it affected me so bad. Like, I was in tears for days. I was asking and asking her and now I feel so bad. I'd never do anything bad to her. I was just scared and panicking.

When your loved one goes through something. Do not panic. Panicking is one of the worst things you can do. If you ask and ask an ask- you are not helping the situation. Be an attentive and active listener. If she wants to talk about it she will. The worst thing you can do is overreact after she tells you. That took a LOT of courage on her part to finally tell you and I cannot imagine your way of taking it was probably bad and did not help this situation. If you overreact you scare them, or annoy them, or anger them and then they close up like a clam and they are gone. They may not ever tell you much more.