Advice on troubled ldr and visit

[Haiatto]

Hi everyone, I've been checking out this forum for a few days and found a lot posts to be helpful and insightful..

Well I'm in a bit of a bind and I'm not sure what to do in this situation.

I am (was) in a ldr/friendship with a delightful person.. I knew him from before, but I had to go back to my country. Over the internet we kinda bonded and things went from there. We usually are in contact every other day. If one of us is busy, a biweekly email is sent. We skype and webcam sometimes..

Recently I had not heard from him or seen him online. Despite my efforts to contact him (even asking one of his coworkers about his whereabouts), he never replied. Then one day he comes online, said he had "reached the bottom" and been on an alcohol binge for awhile and is now hungover.. He's had bouts of depression before, but he always worked through it. Hearing that he chose alcohol over someone to talk to (me), was like a slap in the face. I don't tolerate alcohol, hate it in fact, so I told him to come back when he is clean and sober.. Haven't seen him since..

I realize I can't be in a relation with this person anymore, but I still consider him a good close friend and I care for him deeply. To lose someone over alcohol would be a major blow for me.

I had planned a visit to him a few months ago. I had hinted about it to him, but never went into details. So it would be a semi-surprise. I have a plane ticket and everything. He lives on the other side of the planet. But given the circumstances, I don't know if I should go.. I want to go because I want to be sure he is okay and suggest that he gets some help, but I'm afraid of what might happen.


What would you do in such a situation?

[Čternity]

I think it's worth contacting your SO again to find out what is going on now. A surprise visit at this time is probably a bit risky. So talk to your SO, a visit may be exactly what they need as long as they are aware you are planning to go over. Will you lose the money for the tickets if you don't go now? Can you transfer them to another date if you need to? Try to get in touch and see where their thoughts are at the moment.

[LadyMarchHare]

Personally, while I LOATHE alcohol myself, I wouldn't have done what you did. Alcoholism is a nasty addiction and can be there for many reasons. If you did not know he had a drinking problem before I can see where it's all of a sudden a great shock, but if you plan to be with someone you don't throw them away because they fell off the wagon. Did you ask why he was drinking? Something could have happened such as work stress, family stress, money stress, etc.

My advice would be to be supportive and be that push to get help, using the excuse that's it's "for us, not just you". If he truly wants to stay with you, it should be reason enough to seek out help. If not, be very assertive about it but not to the point where you drive him to drink. Many people who are depressed turn to alcohol or drugs, be glad it was the former. Query though, exactly what do you fear would happen if you visited? At this point I wouldn't recommend it since there's trouble with him and now between you, but I'm not sure exactly what you're hinting at with that beyond maybe a really bad fight and a waste of both your time.

[Zephii]

The thing with serious relationships is that you need to be there in the bad times just as much as the good times, even when you don't really approve of how a person deals with things. That is supposeing he wants to get better. If he likes living in a drunk stupor, then by all means end the relationship, but if what he really wants is help you need to be there for him, not make him feel worse.
It isn't as easy for men to open up about their issues as it is for women, but generally, nine times out of ten if you wait with a person long enough to give them time to think and overcome their obsitcles, they do want to speak out. Sometimes it just isn't easy.

Unless he is violent when drunk, I'd say "take the risk and fly over". Just make sure you have enough back up money to get home quickly, or rent a place to stay, if something goes wrong. Good luck.

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you should contact your SO!

[xMesmerize124]

I think you should try to contract him some more before you make that leap onto surprise visit because that could get ugly (you never know what that would bring). Contacting him and seeing how he is at the moment is a good idea, then however that goes you can decide whether or not you should go visit

[Karringtyn]

The thing with serious relationships is that you need to be there in the bad times just as much as the good times, even when you don't really approve of how a person deals with things. That is supposeing he wants to get better. If he likes living in a drunk stupor, then by all means end the relationship, but if what he really wants is help you need to be there for him, not make him feel worse.
It isn't as easy for men to open up about their issues as it is for women, but generally, nine times out of ten if you wait with a person long enough to give them time to think and overcome their obsitcles, they do want to speak out. Sometimes it just isn't easy.
.

Totally agree...

[Haiatto]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I've been mulling over my reaction and what to do next. I've called, texted and emailed him numerous times, explaining that I overreacted and did not understand what he is going through, but he has not replied. It's been maybe 2 weeks. I guess I'm scared because I've never dealt with alcohol abuse before and I'm afraid I'll say something stupid (which I think I already did) or say something to push him away further (which I've already done).

When he was telling me about the alcohol I did ask why, but he said "I don't want to drag you down with me" and ignored further questions about it. He can be like that sometimes, either bottling things up, or replying in a cryptic way.

The ticket is paid for and nonrefundable.. Two days to liftoff.. If I do go, what should I say to him? I've been writing a letter to give him in person, because I like putting down my thoughts, but I'm not sure if that is the best approach.

[Čternity]

This site helped me in the past. You may be able to read a bit before you go if you decide to go https://www.al-anon.alateen.org/