Tough Decisions

[sarbear]

Hey all,

I'm not sure which section to put this in, but I just need to put it out there. I need to write and talk. I have been LD with my boyfriend for a year and a half and for the most part, it's been great. The last month had been really hard due to some intense trust issues but we both were willing to put in the work to stay together and get stronger. We will be at least long distance for another year. I found out I am pregnant last night. We are pregnant. I don't know how far along I am, I'm guessing about 4 weeks, so very early. But what's crazy is, I have the copper IUD and I am pregnant. I am the less that 1% of women who get pregnant using this. And now I am pregnant. I am 22 and in graduate school pursuing my masters and he is graduating undergrad and going to an 8 month specialty school in the fall across the country. I am so torn. I have never needed him so badly in my life, I've never been more scared or torn and I can't go to my parents. I have finals next week and he isn't here and I don't know how to make it through an hour without crying. This is easily one of the hardest things I have yet to deal with. My mind is going off in so many different places and I feel like my head is going to explode. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant, not with an IUD.

I just don't know what to do. I've never been so confused or scared and I just want him here and he can't be. It sucks. Long distance sucks.

[merlinkitty]

I'll start this off by saying I have had an abortion. You can be open with me about any thought going through your head. If you feel more comfortable, PM me. No one can make this decision for you. You have to do it. Not even your SO. I made my own decision literally on my own. I told no one. Not even the guy I was with at the time. I couldn't afford a kid at the time. Simple as that. But do not wait too long to make a decision. Have you told your SO yet? Do you want to tell him???

[sarbear]

I told him. He wants to keep it to and we always talked about having kids together and he would be a great father. But he also knows, as so do I, that we can't afford a child right now. We both have so many student loans and have things we want to finish before we have a child. But I know having a child one day is something that I have always wanted, so this is what is making it so hard. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I wonder what this reason is that I got pregnant on an IUD. Does that mean I'm supposed to keep it? I know how much I would love this child. I just found out and I already find myself doing little things or thinking things, like what I'm eating, and getting exercise, and not drinking, and trying to keep my stress under control. I already care and I want it. But I know I can't have a child logistically. That's what is making this so hard. I'm afraid of both decisions. Keeping this baby and not knowing how my future will turn out, having to take a leave of absence from school to have it, finding daycare, affording everything, dealing with my Arab and Muslim father who would quickly disown me. But then I am also terrified of having an abortion. I'm afraid it will break me and it will be something I will regret forever. I know if I had this baby, I would give it everything and give it all of me and give it the best life possible. I can't help but think about what gender is it going to be, or the color of it's eyes. But I'm in school and can't afford it, but I am just so torn. I don't know what to do. I don't. Even if I do decide to keep it, theres a high chance I will miscarry because of the IUD. So I just don't know how to feel, all I do is cry. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday to do the official test and get a referral to an OB/GYN since I don't currently have one. This whole thing is just so scary. My boyfriend feels like a failure because he wants to take care of me and the baby and make this work but he can't and feels horrible. I just don't know.

[Moon]

How many tests did you take? Any chance of a false positive? Please get it confirmed by a doctor first, if you haven't already.

Look, a baby changes things hugely, but trust me, if you decide to have and keep a baby, it isn't the end of the world. Life might be vastly different than you expected, you might just have to put that masters on hold a while, but the changes an unexpected pregnancy brings are definitely not all bad! As not ready as you feel, if you keep the baby, you will figure it out. You have your degree already, you'll find suitable work. I won't lie, it's fucking hard, way harder than LD, but if you do it, the rewards are COMPLETELY, TOTALLY worth it. How do I know? I had my daughter at 18, I know all about not being ready My daughter is 26, and has grown into an incredible young woman. I managed to get myself a bit of education and work in IT. We managed, we made it, and we ended up in really good shape.

I'm only telling you this because you're panicking right now, I don't blame you, but you have options. Get tested by a doctor, then go from there, you do have options. Also, you'll hate this so much, but you absolutely need to be strong, there is a hell of a lot you'll need to do yourself, it won't be fun, but YOU CAN DO IT. If you are indeed pregnant, give yourself a week or two to calm down and really think about how you want to handle it. I promise there are worse things in the world that can happen to you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Although I was a single teenage mother, I'm also 100% pro-choice. You can PM me if you like.

[sarbear]

Yeah, I had to jump through many hoops to make an appointment with my doctor (damn insurance companies). But I am going on Friday, they got me in quickly because of the IUD. I took two pregnancy tests yesterday and one this morning and all came back positive. I have another that I am going to take tomorrow morning.

Thank you for the reassurance. It really does feel like the world is crashing down on me right now, so it does feel good to have these feelings normalized.

[Moon]

Yeah, I had to jump through many hoops to make an appointment with my doctor (damn insurance companies). But I am going on Friday, they got me in quickly because of the IUD. I took two pregnancy tests yesterday and one this morning and all came back positive. I have another that I am going to take tomorrow morning.

Thank you for the reassurance. It really does feel like the world is crashing down on me right now, so it does feel good to have these feelings normalized.

Sweetie, nothing is more normal than girls finding themselves pregnant unexpectedly You'd be amazed how many of us started out as a surprise. Whatever happens, you'll be OK, get through your exams and deal with this afterward.

[merlinkitty]

Give yourself some time to calm down and process I thought all the same thoughts you did and for me, it just wasn't the right time it bothered me for a time, but I know I did what was best for my situation.

I also used to think things happened for a reason. That fate was somehow involved. It's not things happen and you choose how to react and deal with them

Whatever you choose to do, you will figure out how to make it through

[TheSteelAngel]

Wow very tough problem/decision indeed. All I could say is just follow your instincts. Carefully weigh out the positives and negatives for each choice and go with the decision that has the most positives. My mom was your age when she had my big brother and he turned out very well. He's so successful that I kinda hate him for it lol. I hope everything works out for you and congratulations

[TaraMarie]

Although I have never been in your shoes, I have had children. This isn't the end of the world. If you decide to go through with the pregnancy it will be hard, but know that children are life's greatest joy.....and greatest trial. Whatever your decision is, don't worry about what other people think. It's your body and your life. Make the best decision for YOU. GOOD LUCK!

[Harlequin]

I agree with what everyone else is saying, and I also want to add that it's imperative you stay calm (as difficult as it may be), because too much stress can cause a miscarriage. Considering how early you are, you're still in that timeframe where a miscarriage would most likely happen, if it happens. I think the cut off is about 13-14 weeks. Please take care of yourself, and try not to worry. Whatever decision you make will be the right decision, and whatever happens, things will be okay.
I wish you all the best <3

[whatruckus]

I agree with everyone else. It's really your decision. Your body. Even if your SO wants it, but you don't, it's still up to you. I've never been pregnant, but I know those who had children (accidentally and on purpose) and those who have had abortions. Personally, I am pro-choice. I can't really give you much advice. My SO got his ex pregnant and she had it aborted. My Ex knocked up a girl before we started dating, but she gave it up for adoption. So, you really have 3 choices. Keep it, abort it, or give it up for adoption. Regardless of your choice, you can always try and have a family later down the road if it doesn't work out.

I can't imagine how scared you are. Good luck. <3

I also agree that just because you have an IUD, and you got pregnant, that it does not indicate that you were SUPPOSED to get pregnant, nor should that dictate your decision. I've heard from both sides that whatever they chose, while hard at first, was the best decision they made. So, go with your gut.

[R&R]

You definitely take time to absorb the information. Even when a pregnancy is planned, it's still huge when you find out you are pregnant. Unless you are wealthy, no one can really "afford" a child but you do what you have to do. My daughters dad and I divorced when they were 5 & 6 and I became a single mom. Even with all the sacrifices I made (and continue to make), they are worth all of it.

I'm on a different page from everyone else as I am pro-life. (No, I'm not going to turn this into a debate or shove anything down anyone's throat.) I am going to only say think carefully with any decision you make. If you would like to PM me, please feel free.

.

[whatruckus]

You definitely take time to absorb the information. Even when a pregnancy is planned, it's still huge when you find out you are pregnant. Unless you are wealthy, no one can really "afford" a child but you do what you have to do. My daughters dad and I divorced when they were 5 & 6 and I became a single mom. Even with all the sacrifices I made (and continue to make), they are worth all of it.

I'm on a different page from everyone else as I am pro-life. (No, I'm not going to turn this into a debate or shove anything down anyone's throat.) I am going to only say think carefully with any decision you make. If you would like to PM me, please feel free.

.

You're the type of pro-lifer that I like. Everyone has their own opinions, everyone is different.

[sarbear]

Thank you everyone for your support. I woke up with some bleeding and went to the hospital. I miscarried. There's the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy so I have to go back Saturday and rule that out. Either way, I'm not having a baby. I'm relieved I don't have to make a decision but I'm also having a hard time because in my heart I wanted this baby. I had so many tests. I had 2 external and 1 internal ultrasounds and i kept asking the technician if she saw anything because I just wanted to see it, I wanted to see that it was real. But it wasn't there and I couldn't see it and I never will. So now it's time to grieve. Luckily my boyfriend is flying in on Wednesday and will be with me for 12 days so we can grieve together.

[merlinkitty]

You know what, honey? I'm glad you're okay. Give yourself some time to grieve and let this go. my thoughts are with you.