Don't want history repeating itself

[merlinkitty]

Well you seem to be bashing your head against the same wall. Let's move the wall. Or she needs to, at least. I want you to start thinking long term. Visits are great, but right now you both seem to be running into issues that are preventing these. How do we work around these issues without being sneaky? Jobs, pitching in financially at home without being prompted to do so, filling the fridge, replacing toilet paper. It sounds super silly, but these are small steps that will show parental figures "hey! My kid might be starting to get it!" Picking up after yourself, asking if they need things when you go to the store. I know you're probably wanting to shake me right now and I don't care lol what I'm asking you to do is when you talk to your SO, instead of saying "let's take this bull by the horns. Talk to your parents and make them see your side. Get your brother to support you," advise her that this crazy old lady suggested she start stepping up her game at home. Instead of waiting for her parents to say "hey, we need money for bills" tell your SO to approach them and ask, "how can I contribute?" And this can't be a short term goal to fulfill her desire to come see you. This is a place to start to show adult responsibilities. What she needs is for her parents to see she's being responsible. That she's working to earn their respect.

I have had this conversation with my mom a zillion times about the person I was when I was your age. And at the time I didn't get it at all. Now I completely do. So I understand where you're coming from, but I'll just repeat, when you keep responding with "this is what we want and I don't understand why they won't give it to me" it is whining. You've both been presented a problem. Now you need to start testing different ideas of how to solve it.

[merlinkitty]

Overall, it's true that if we were both fully independent that none of this would be a problem. Well we're not so all we're trying to do is do the best we can with seeing each other with the distance. We don't feel entitled.

If you were both 100% independent the problems would be of a different nature. I'm 34. I'm still dealing with parents asking really intrusive questions about financials, if he's a "nice boy," etc. The nature of the relationship between parents and children evolves (hopefully if everyone plays their cards right), but you will always be their child What I've been talking about is how to start that evolving process of change between a parent and child.

Right now her parents see her as a child, which I'm sure is a great part of the reason you're encountering these issues.

[D4Joseph]

Okay I see that. Is there a way to find a good solution for the long term while allowing the two of us to maintain some visits? If there is I'd like to do it so everything is covered. I'm sure you are or have been in an ldr and know how much you want to see your s.o

[D4Joseph]

My s.o tells me her mom is constantly saying things like "it's young love" or "someone else may catch your eye". Those things aren't necessary. Not only is it a struggle to give her the ok to visit but you have to put things like that in her head?

[merlinkitty]

Okay I see that. Is there a way to find a good solution for the long term while allowing the two of us to maintain some visits? If there is I'd like to do it so everything is covered. I'm sure you are or have been in an ldr and know how much you want to see your s.o

Ooo yeah, I do want to see him. It's taken a lot of planning and sacrifice to budget his first visit in two weeks Just as an offer of my perspective trying to make a visit happen at my age, I've had to budget myself, cut back on things I used to splurge on, buy clothes only when I need them, keep my entertainment expenses down to a minimum, deal with my mother asking me questions about "where is he going to sleep," "did you pay for his plane ticket," (I did and it's none of her business), "what if his feet stink," and my dad going "*sigh* Laura always does risky things. Why can't she be normal?" This stuff doesn't stop. It just evolved lol

From my experience, showing responsibility will help the compromise issue go down a lot smoother. For this round, don't hold your breath that she might come. It might be a little late, but if she is able to, all the better but I do think that part of growing up is that boundaries need to be pushed. Parents don't want to let go, kids need them to let go. Parents want it to be a trouble free transition. It never will be. But learning not to take the roof over your head for granted goes a long way in some people's books. Pushing those boundaries responsibly and respectfully is what needs to be done here. There is a solution to your problem. You and your SO are just going to have to put your heads together and you're going to have to use her judgment to know what needs to be done. What do her parents expect out of her long term? Is there something in those ideals that she can comfortably work on? Is there something she wants to do that further her own goals for herself?

You'll get there. Just work with the situation

[Miasmata]

Yet again, you are still not seeing this from the right perspective. It's endlessly frustrating, yes, but if you keep being stubborn, you are not going to get what you want here. Instead of wasting your energy complaining and asking "why?" and harping on what you can't do, shift your focus and look at what you CAN do. My SO comes from a similiar situation, namely being dependent on his parents and having issues with them not respecting him. But no matter how pissed their behaviour towards him made me, I had to understand nothing was going to change without him making it happen. He started confronting his parents more and being polite but firm on his needs and opinions, and that really makes more and more of a difference. It's a somewhat tough, ongoing process, but it already has its rewards. Also, he picked up a sidejob and started making his own money, while I started making more money on the side too to pay for visits. That allowed us a few visits and really improved the situation.

You really need to stop hitting your head against the wall and wasting your energy on complaining. Focus on how you can make/save money for visits instead, and how she can do the same. Also, she has to start standing up to her parents more, while remembering that her parents are being generous with her. You can stand up to someone and still show that you appreciate them and their efforts.

[merlinkitty]

My s.o tells me her mom is constantly saying things like "it's young love" or "someone else may catch your eye". Those things aren't necessary. Not only is it a struggle to give her the ok to visit but you have to put things like that in her head?

I know you posted this before I responded, but reference the stuff I mentioned my mom says to me lol I think I even mentioned she was calling him a boy at one point. I asked her to stop. She did. I understand her mom is doubting her feelings. And that might be part of what's going on behind the scenes with the visits. It's hard to learn to reestablish boundaries as you get older. I mean, I assume at some point everyone decided that it was no longer necessary to wipe butts or see naked children running the house. These are boundaries. They become a little touchier as you get older. Respectfully set new boundaries. If your SO doesn't like these comments from her mother, these are the kinds of new boundaries she will need to work on. "Mom, I appreciate where you're coming from, but it's not helpful to me when you say these kinds of things about my SO. It makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid, which I would never do to you." Or something to that effect. Parents don't always realize what it is they're doing. They're human too, and the instinct to protect is strong.

[Redheart14]

I agree with the others. If it's going to be that hard, you should try go to her. It might make things easier.

[D4Joseph]

As far as saving money on my end I'm good. I Still live with parents but thankfully I have a part time job. So I'm able to budget and save well. Whatever needs to be done for new boundaries I hope can be done

[D4Joseph]

Not on my end. As you guys pointed out it should happen with the family. I'm hoping my gf can understand that there is a way to be firm and grateful.

[Zapookie]

You know, visits don't always have to alternate between the two of you. Obviously she is struggling and has no money to make a visit, so if you have the means to do so, then go - or pay for her to come visit you (she can call a cab to the airport this time). The reason why they are treating her like this is because she is still a child. You don't magically become an adult in a day on your 18th birthday. It takes responsibility and comprehension of those responsibilities. An adult calls a cab, and makes their own way to their destination, they do not rely on their parents. An adult gets a job, starts saving up money and maintains their home/living space. An adult picks up the slack and understands what is expected of them.

So if she cannot do all of this, then don't just expect her parents to be so lax. Both of you need to get your heads out of the sand and formulate a realistic plan that will help you reach your goals instead of singing the "woe is me" tune. If you really want something, you'll both do what it takes to make it happen. So get out there and DO IT.

[D4Joseph]

I am willing to pay for her ticket. My gf just doesn't feel it'd be right to do so.

[whatruckus]

You know, visits don't always have to alternate between the two of you. Obviously she is struggling and has no money to make a visit, so if you have the means to do so, then go - or pay for her to come visit you (she can call a cab to the airport this time). The reason why they are treating her like this is because she is still a child. You don't magically become an adult in a day on your 18th birthday. It takes responsibility and comprehension of those responsibilities. An adult calls a cab, and makes their own way to their destination, they do not rely on their parents. An adult gets a job, starts saving up money and maintains their home/living space. An adult picks up the slack and understands what is expected of them.

So if she cannot do all of this, then don't just expect her parents to be so lax. Both of you need to get your heads out of the sand and formulate a realistic plan that will help you reach your goals instead of singing the "woe is me" tune. If you really want something, you'll both do what it takes to make it happen. So get out there and DO IT.

Exactly what I was going to say. FYI, I'm the one that visits my SO. All the time. Why? Because I have the money more than he does. He's visited me a total of 3 times the entire time we've been dating. That's it.

I am willing to pay for her ticket. My gf just doesn't feel it'd be right to do so.

Well then, I don't know what else you want us to tell you. She doesn't want to set her pride aside in order to let you guys have a visit, but then she won't be brave enough to have a talk with her parents. If she's not going to talk to them, then like everyone else has said, she needs to show them. Maybe she needs to get a real part-time job, that offers her more money and more hours. FYI, if you live here in the States, Costco offers all their employees $11/hr, with raises depending on hours worked. My ex works for them. It was the only job he could land (with the help of his brother) because he has a felony. AFAIK, he's still a supervisor making $22/hr. She could even get promoted to be a part-time supervisor and still get paid the cap ($22/hr).

[R&R]

I have to pitch in here on the question on the student loan money as I work in the student loan industry. Yes, once she has paid for books, tuition, etc and she has left over funds, the Federal government could care less what she does with the remainder.

Do you want to know why? Because it's a LOAN and every cent that she spends of this money she has to repay with interest. It's an unsecured loan. However, when the time comes that she has to repay these loans, she had better make sure they are paid on time and never uses forbearance or deferment time because then the interest is just going to capitalize and she's now paying back even more. I've seen people only take out $2,265 and by the time they are done (because they have defaulted and rehabilitated and consolidated), they now owe over $12,000 on a loan that started out at $2,2625.

Smart thing to do, adult thing to do - take any of that extra and pay it right back on the loan. Then she's not accumulating interest and she doesn't have to worry about paying that particular portion back later. Trust me, everyone who goes to college thinks they will have no problem paying it back. I deal daily with people who have defaulted and wages are garnished and tax returns are taken. And you think just not being able to visit right now is an issue? Try not being able to pay bills because the government wants the money back that they lent. Oh, if they are Stafford Loans and not Parent Plus loans, her parents aren't even responsible for paying them back - only she is.

[Dwessie]

I am willing to pay for her ticket. My gf just doesn't feel it'd be right to do so.

That and the not talking to her parents thing is starting to make this all seem like it's her problem, and there's nothing you can do about that...