Don't want history repeating itself

[D4Joseph]

I did read. So there is no compromise that can happen to let her visit? I basically told her to stop bottling up and have an actual conversation. That part is up to her.

[whatruckus]

I did read. So there is no compromise that can happen to let her visit? I basically told her to stop bottling up and have an actual conversation. That part is up to her.

Unless she has enough of her own money, not really. And it's the same if she doesn't want to actually confront her parents about the matter. It's all up to her. You can not do anything, if you do, the situation will just get extremely worse than it is right now and they will dislike you. Make sure that she does NOT tell them that you asked her to talk to them. Everything needs to come from her, you should not be brought up because it would give them a reason to resent you.

She needs to just tell them that she wants to be more independent when it comes to what she does with her vacations (no mention of visits) if she has her own sufficient amount of money to do so.

[Unconditional]

To unconditional: no we don't want to this behind there backs. That didn't work last time. That's why I'm telling her to speak it out and find a compromise if that's what needs to be done. My s.o feels her parents never understand her point of view so she shuts down and says nothing.

If she wants this, she HAS to speak up (in a respectful manner) to her parents about it. Doing nothing but shutting down will not help your guys' case. Although, if her parents disagree, there is nothing really she cannot do anything as she is a minor. The best way to get them to let her go is to talk to them about it.

[whatruckus]

If she wants this, she HAS to speak up (in a respectful manner) to her parents about it. Doing nothing but shutting down will not help your guys' case. Although, if her parents disagree, there is nothing really she cannot do anything as she is a minor. The best way to get them to let her go is to talk to them about it.

Yep. And, I wanted to add on from my other post, that even if she does affirm herself, and they say no, then there's still nothing you can do unless she moves out. Because it's either she listens to them, or they have the ability to kick her out since she depends on them for her house.

But, the point is she does need to have some sort of serious talk. It'll definitely help in the future for them to see that she wants to start making her own decisions and she's growing up.

[D4Joseph]

I agree wholeheartedly with that. My s.o tells me how much she wants it all to happen. Which she does. I Tell her that's best. Then again I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her in any way. If it was my parents and we'd have a conversation a long time ago.

[Unconditional]

I agree wholeheartedly with that. My s.o tells me how much she wants it all to happen. Which she does. I Tell her that's best. Then again I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her in any way. If it was my parents and we'd have a conversation a long time ago.

Certain people need to be pressured or else nothing will get done, we call that nagging.

[whatruckus]

I agree wholeheartedly with that. My s.o tells me how much she wants it all to happen. Which she does. I Tell her that's best. Then again I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her in any way. If it was my parents and we'd have a conversation a long time ago.

Yep. I mean, I hate being harsh sometimes to you, but sometimes I'm not sure if you understand. It's a really crappy situation and I understand your frustration and your SO. I used to be like her. I'm still like her in some ways, but for the most part, my parents have backed off of me. Also, I depend on my parents for a lot too. I still live with them rent free, and my dad bought my car (his name is on it) and he pays the insurance, and my dad pays my tuition. Both your SO and her parents need to learn how to compromise.

If my parents want me to stay home, I do. They don't have to still keep doing the things they do for me, but they do, it's my job to be respectful of that sometimes and their job to understand that, even though I still depend on them for certain things, that there's other things I want to do on my own and that I'm an adult. It really wasn't easy. It took a long time for them to start backing off and leaving me alone (though I did have help from my brothers as back-up, and they would help stand up for me).

My ex understood, and my SO understands, that it's not their place for them to say anything to my parents. It's a family matter that needs to stay in the family.

[D4Joseph]

Don't think I don't understand because I do. I Agree a conversation needs to be had. My belief is that just about every situation has a reasonable compromise. This is one of them. I understand their house, their rules but a little compromise with your daughter doesn't hurt. A little speaking up firmly doesn't hurt either for my s.o. I'm not just saying this Bc it is my s.o but she's literally one of the most respectful daughters to her parents in the world. Plus I don't get why she doesn't ask her brother for backup

[whatruckus]

Don't think I don't understand because I do. I Agree a conversation needs to be had. My belief is that just about every situation has a reasonable compromise. This is one of them. I understand their house, their rules but a little compromise with your daughter doesn't hurt. A little speaking up firmly doesn't hurt either for my s.o. I'm not just saying this Bc it is my s.o but she's literally one of the most respectful daughters to her parents in the world. Plus I don't get why she doesn't ask her brother for backup

There was a difference in my situation, my brothers got fed up with my parents trying to control everything I did and they felt bad for me.

Also, while you might think there's a reasonable compromise, that's your belief. Not everyone thinks that way. Part of the reason why I wasn't sure if you understood (as others on here did as well) is because you kept asking the same questions and insisting the same things, even after we told you what we thought was going through their minds and what's what. Including the part about the Financial Aid.

Until either of you has enough money to make all these visits happen (more so your girlfriend), as well as transportation to and from the airport so she doesn't have to rely on her parents, there's honestly not much you can do and that's all there is. Until she is more independent and can establish her independence, and make her parents comfortable/understand, you're stuck with this crappy situation. No if's, and's, or butt's about it. Unless you can afford to support her financially completely.

[D4Joseph]

I'm sure if you were me you'd have this question. How come last summer they let her visit me no problem but now all of a sudden there are factors to them stop them from letting her go? Everything I understand but they're acting like she came and something bad happened. She visited before nothing went down honestly. What's the real worry? Whatever it is it wasn't there before.

[merlinkitty]

Here's what I'm seeing going on here and I'm going to try and uplift your perspective a bit. Reading through this thread, I think you might be understanding this a little better, but it really sounds like a child's argument going on here. I'll give you a little background on me. By the time I hit 18 I felt like I'd hit a right of passage. I was working a part time job in retail. Since my parents were covering all my house, tuition, and food expenses, my income from the job was up to me basically how to spend it. I also felt like at 18 I deserved something because I was an adult.

This is sooooo not the case and this is something you both need to understand. Her parents owe her nothing. Understand that. She is 18. They no longer have to provide her with anything. They are, however, choosing to provide her with lodging, tuition (in the form of financial aid), and food. Because this is their choice, they get to set the rules. When your SO starts paying 100% to support herself, then she can 100% make her own rules. The second you let someone pay for something gives them the right to determine how that money is spent. Always remember this.

This goes the same for the financial aid question. Financial aid is covering her education costs. Financial aid gets to determine how that money is spent. I deal in business purposes all day long. You need to be able to explain what it is you're purchasing and how it benefits the project. There is no way you're going to color using financial aid monies as an educational expense for a plane ticket to visit you.

Being respectful is fine, but you both need to start realizing being an adult does not entitle you to anything. You've just started your journey into adulthood. Welcome to the club. Instead of trying to have conversations with her parents about the merits of going to visit you, she should be having a conversation with herself about how does she start to take on more adult responsibilities. Actions, in the case, will always speak louder than words.

Expecting her to bring her brother as support for this is creating a family drama in a family that you are not part of. This is none of your business and you should not be advising her for his support. The solution to your problem is for both of you to understand and accept the fact that you're both adults. Now you need to start behaving like one. I know this sounds harsh again, and I apologize, but there is a tone of whining in your posts and I don't do whining. Neither will her parents. Action, not words. The goal of a parent is to get the child out of the house and independent. Right now she is as dependent as they come. Her taking a real look at what it's going to take to get her out of the house and independent is a better goal than trying to argue with her parents and stirring up her family into letting her visit.

EDIT: I was thinking about this after I posted, I saw your post title "history repeating itself," and it made me think about what my SO tells me about problem solving. Einstein's definition of insanity: trying to do the same the over and over and expecting different results. What I'm suggesting is a different way to approach the situation. Because I can't see that either of you have done anything different from the last time, but you're expecting a different result. Obviously something isn't working. Dealing with the root of the issue (the fact that she has no independence) is probably going to be a better, long term approach to this issue.

[D4Joseph]

I'm not whining. That isn't my tone. Just speaking on what's going on or being said. Okay if she shouldn't a have conversation then she can never visit and I'll have to be doing all the visits unless her parents say it's okay correct? All I'm saying is that's where it seems to be heading & in a relationship one person shouldn't be doing the visiting.

[D4Joseph]

Just stating the facts. This time her parents said this is the better time for her to visit. With that being said in I was expecting everything to be fine.

[Unconditional]

I'm not whining. That isn't my tone. Just speaking on what's going on or being said. Okay if she shouldn't a have conversation then she can never visit and I'll have to be doing all the visits unless her parents say it's okay correct? All I'm saying is that's where it seemes to be heading & in a relationship one person shouldn't be doing the visiting.

I disagree if someone is more well to do as far as traveling goes I see no problem with visiting the other more. This seems to be the situation.

[D4Joseph]

Overall, it's true that if we were both fully independent that none of this would be a problem. Well we're not so all we're trying to do is do the best we can with seeing each other with the distance. We don't feel entitled.