Don't want history repeating itself

[D4Joseph]

Hey, everyone I'll do my best to not sound like I'm ranting. The post I posted back in January was the crazy incident that happened with the ticket & my s.o not getting brought to the airport. Those who commented on it may remember. however , I'm aware everyone has their more to their lives than remembering my old post.
Well throughout that incident where the visitation didn't happen my s.o parents were saying spring break is the wise choice for her to come. Well it's right around the corner. My gf tells me she mentioned it to her mom and her mom says "oh I didn't know you were going." Even though my gf has mentioned it and they said it for months. Her mom continued to say "money you get from financial aid is supposed to be used for school and you don't know if we'll need help with bills." Okay sounds good but the last part is contradictory. My gf has everything she needs this semester. So the disbursement money she gets combined with her babysitting money on the side can be used for anything she wants. I'm sorry but if it's strictly for school supplies why are you ok with borrowing it for bills? I know that's important though.
It just seems like she's trying to make excuses for why my s.o shouldn't get a ticket. They kept her from the airport last time and all that. Which happened it's the past. However, I'm not trying to have that happen again. I told my gf make sure everything is smooth and speak in advance. My gf doesn't like conflict so she bottles everything. I even said a good compromise can be us splitting the ticket. I pay half she pays half. I just don't want her parents to stop this again because I miss her. Idk what her dad would have to say but I think there is no reason to hold her back . We already are struggling to find a cheaper ticket we don't need another complication. Comments? Advise? Concerns? Please.

[Unconditional]

Are you doing this all behind her parents back? If so, this is not a good way to keep them on your good side.

[merlinkitty]

Accountant here. Financial aid can be used to pay for tuition, fees, books, supplies, housing, and any other reasonably related expenses. Your SO's mom is right. If she's supposed to be contributing to living expenses, they can be applied in such a manner. Visiting your SO using these funds is not a reasonably related expense. The purpose of these funds is support educationally related expenses.

Babysitting money, however, are more of what would be called an "unrestricted" fund. From my recollection, your SO is living at home, yes? Even though she's 18, because she's living under their roof, she is subject to the rules of the house. Is there any reason why she can't get a real job? Babysitting is great if you're going to be a caretaker professionally. I mean, I really hate to say this, but the parents, while they might not be "right" in this, they do have the control still, and both of you need to respect that.

Now let's just say hypothetically your SO gets a job, can afford to live on her own, moves out...then what she does with her excess funds (still not those financial aid funds we discussed earlier, however) can be used to do whatever she wants. You are both wanting to be treated like adults. Problem is, she's a dependent. Legally. She depends on her parents for basic survival needs. I hate to be harsh, but it seems to me that this is the issue that needs to be addressed and not whether or not your SO gets to see you during Spring Break.

[Jaac]

Isn't it possible that you visit her?

I don't know what your SO told her parents in advance, but it would be a good idea for her to talk to her parents about this way in advance.
Like half a year of a few months or so. So they can talk about everything and make (financial) plans. If they have a bit of time to figure these things out, it's easier to make a visit happen!
Try to make the parents understand the situation. What are theyre worries anyway? Maybe they worry about more stuff then just the finances.
They should have a proper conversation about this to see each others point of view, I think.

[whatruckus]

I'm just going to keep saying this: Their house. Their rules. Their daughter. The Financial Aid she gets is partly because of her parents income, so yea, they kinda have a say in what she does with it. You have to list your parents information and incomes down. Did she actually TELL them she was coming to visit, or just "mention" it. If I just "mention" it to my parents, they say the same thing. But, if I actually tell them, "I'm going to Mike's, I won't be home." There's no questions. And also, yea, her Financial Aid should really only be spent on school.

Whether her parents are making excuses for her not to come visit or not, you have no say in the matter. She needs to have a talk with her parents. Whether she likes to avoid conflict or not. Unless, she wants this to keep happening. Right now, they don't take her seriously because she hasn't affirmed herself. She's acting extremely passive and they're reacting to that.

Also, like Unconditional said. DO NOT DO ANYTHING BEHIND THEIR BACKS. SPLITTING THE TICKET OR NOT. KEEP THEM IN THE LOOP.

Edit: merlinkitty knows what she's talking about when it comes to the Financial Aid. I just remember filling my forms out and having to get my dad's tax forms.

[Chillosaurus]

Is your gf underage or why does she need to ask the parents first?
Have you met her parents yet?
I don't know what happened the last time. So I can only say: This time you should make something different so you can have a different outcome (but I assume you have figured that out yourself..).

[Unconditional]

Also, like Unconditional said. DO NOT DO ANYTHING BEHIND THEIR BACKS. SPLITTING THE TICKET OR NOT. KEEP THEM IN THE LOOP.

lol thank you whatruckus for pointing out what I was goin about getting to haha


Very important please keep them in the loop.

[whatruckus]

Is your gf underage or why does she need to ask the parents first?
Have you met her parents yet?
I don't know what happened the last time. So I can only say: This time you should make something different so you can have a different outcome (but I assume you have figured that out yourself..).

She's 18 and goes to college, but she lives with her parents and they currently pay for everything for her. He went to stay with them for about a week (?) if I remember, but he got upset that they had no alone time then and had to sleep in separate rooms. His last post was about her trying to come visit, but her parents didn't take her to the airport, and they kind of did things behind her parents' back (about the visit/future visits), or wanted to.

[D4Joseph]

To unconditional: no we don't want to this behind there backs. That didn't work last time. That's why I'm telling her to speak it out and find a compromise if that's what needs to be done. My s.o feels her parents never understand her point of view so she shuts down and says nothing.
To merlinkitty: you are right. As a professional you know what you're talking about but if my gf already covered her supplies etc and has money left over why can't she get a ticket? She is dependent. They told her that spring break is the best time for our next visit. Either they're forgetful or playing dumb. they expect us to never see each other again? Money is always gonna be spent.

[whatruckus]

Accountant here. Financial aid can be used to pay for tuition, fees, books, supplies, housing, and any other reasonably related expenses. Your SO's mom is right. If she's supposed to be contributing to living expenses, they can be applied in such a manner. Visiting your SO using these funds is not a reasonably related expense. The purpose of these funds is support educationally related expenses.

Babysitting money, however, are more of what would be called an "unrestricted" fund. From my recollection, your SO is living at home, yes? Even though she's 18, because she's living under their roof, she is subject to the rules of the house. Is there any reason why she can't get a real job? Babysitting is great if you're going to be a caretaker professionally. I mean, I really hate to say this, but the parents, while they might not be "right" in this, they do have the control still, and both of you need to respect that.

Now let's just say hypothetically your SO gets a job, can afford to live on her own, moves out...then what she does with her excess funds (still not those financial aid funds we discussed earlier, however) can be used to do whatever she wants. You are both wanting to be treated like adults. Problem is, she's a dependent. Legally. She depends on her parents for basic survival needs. I hate to be harsh, but it seems to me that this is the issue that needs to be addressed and not whether or not your SO gets to see you during Spring Break.

Yea, I don't know how many times we can say it to you. She really can't do anything on her own because she's still so dependent on her parents. If she had enough money of her own (not FA, or her parents'), she could come visit you. But, she doesn't.

I mean, I feel for you because the situation does suck, but until she can a sufficient income of her own (more than what she makes babysitting), you're a little SOL.

[whatruckus]

To unconditional: no we don't want to this behind there backs. That didn't work last time. That's why I'm telling her to speak it out and find a compromise if that's what needs to be done. My s.o feels her parents never understand her point of view so she shuts down and says nothing.
To merlinkitty: you are right. As a professional you know what you're talking about but if my gf already covered her supplies etc and has money left over why can't she get a ticket? She is dependent. They told her that spring break is the best time for our next visit. Either they're forgetful or playing dumb. they expect us to never see each other again? Money is always gonna be spent.

Do you not understand that it's strictly for school, or anything related to school? This is not related to school. It doesn't matter if she has some left over. The government gave her that money for school. If they found out she was using it for other things, not related to school, they can take it back any time they want, including what she's already used. It's a loan, not a free hand out of money. She has to repay it back.

[D4Joseph]

Well yes I did visit for a couple of weeks a couple months ago. Me and my gf agreed to take turns so this is her turn. WE ARE NOT TRYING TO DO THIS BEHIND THEIR BACK WE LEARNED FROM LAST TIME. I tell my gf to keep them in the loop and just talk to them in a mature manner. To make them understand. I know she needs to do the talking they're her parents.

[whatruckus]

Well yes I did visit for a couple of weeks a couple months ago. Me and my gf agreed to take turns so this is her turn. WE ARE NOT TRYING TO DO THIS BEHIND THEIR BACK WE LEARNED FROM LAST TIME. I tell my gf to keep them in the loop and just talk to them in a mature manner. To make them understand. I know she needs to do the talking they're her parents.

But, she needs to have an actual conversation with them about it. Not mention it a few times and then be passive about what she wants. She needs to be firm, and there's going to be confrontation involved. Sometimes confrontation is necessary to make a point. Right now, when she just gets quiet and bottles it up because she thinks they don't understand, they take that as her being submissive.

[D4Joseph]

If it's for school why do her parents tell her to save it to give to them sometimes? I Understand parents have to look out for their children .

[whatruckus]

If it's for school why do her parents tell her to save it to give to them sometimes? I Understand parents have to look out for their children .

Did you read what merlinkitty said about that? If it has to do with rent/mortgage/living expenses/whatever related to school, they have a right to ask for it.

Accountant here. Financial aid can be used to pay for tuition, fees, books, supplies, housing, and any other reasonably related expenses. Your SO's mom is right. If she's supposed to be contributing to living expenses, they can be applied in such a manner. Visiting your SO using these funds is not a reasonably related expense. The purpose of these funds is support educationally related expenses.