Dating a military man, is this a normal situation?

[ForeverHopefulRomantic]

So I met a man back in December on POF. He was nice and attractive and we started texting, he is in the military and stationed in CA but from the area in which I live now. We kind of stopped talking because I was not interested in a LDR. I want someone here now to be with and cuddle and do relationship things with! Well he added me on FB and we started talking again and it was great we have talked everyday since (it has only been about two months). He says he can see a future with me and wants a family. We are both 24 so still a little young lol. Anyways he said he is coming back in Aug to visit and we will meet and then he will be done with the military in Sept 2016. It just all seems so far.

I guess my issue is I am afraid. I am afraid it will not work and when he comes back I will be almost 26 I wanted to me married and pregnant by 30, if it doesn't work with him then what? I'm afraid that it will fizzle, I'm afraid that we won't be able to even make it last until Aug, I am afraid about my future. I am a grad student and it was always my goal to move out of state and meet someone and get married and have a family. I will graduate in May 2016 he won't be back until Sept what do it I in that time? I am afraid that I am being naive and stupid by assuming he will want more, I have talked to my friends and they said he is likely just a lonely military man and that he probably cheats. He and I have talked about that and he said he is not talking to anyone besides me and if we don't work out he is going to take a break from dating. I have no reason to not believe him, I do worry because he has a lot of girls on his FB but when I look at them (I do) they are all from his hometown. Realistically I have online dated a lot and also have a lot of men on my FB so I cannot be upset.

My biggest issue happened this weekend, I asked him about skyping and he dowloaded it and showed me and tried to make a username.. it wasn't working. I believe that because I have had issues with Skype. So I asked about Oovoo, he said that his phone said that he has insufficient space. I asked if I could make his username on Skype and he said he already deleted it then got annoyed with me for telling him to redownload it. He said he had to go handle a marine who was in a bad situation, and I kind of got mad at him and he said "whatever" then I went to bed. The next day I was worried he would stop talking and he texted me and said that he wasn't leaving and he is with me for the "long haul" but that he has a job to do and he has to take care of his marines and I can't be upset about that. After that I left the Skype thing alone. It isn't that I don't believe who he says he is. I am on his FB i have seen his sister in law, his mom. We send pictures, we snapchat each other all day... I just want to feel legitimate. I want so badly to be his gf but how can that happen if we haven't met face to face. I just want to feel like a normal girl in a normal relationship (no offense to anyone) but I have him and he likes me and I like him and so I should not give up right?

My questions are: Do I push this Skype issue? and how would I do that without upsetting him? How can I make myself more equip to handle this and not worry? I worry about everything all the time, and overthink and that has been the downfall of my relationships. Lastly, do you feel like this could work? Should I worry about the future and school and marriage and babies and being old when all of that happens? I mean I don't want a long drawn out situation, I want to get married soon and make some babies lol.

Thank you.

[Unconditional]

Do you push the Skype issue-
Yes. It is important, really important to Skype I feel even more so that you do that before you meet. Simply ask him if he knows the next time he will have time (if he doesn't know then simply ask it as the next time he has any free time) and that you would like to try Skype again in able to feel closer together with him not that texting and phone calls are great, but video calls are so much more intimate and will bring you guys closer together.

How to make yourself stop worrying-
You can't. It's quite simple you can never truly stop worrying if it is not about one thing, it is about another- trust me. However, just pick up a hobby spend time with friends continue on with school and work it is easy to keep the mind preoccupied and with time you'll have a routine that will help with this. Sometimes you may get so incredibly frustrated for a couple days, I know I do, but simply take the time to maybe go watch a sad movie and cry it all out. I also recommend writing your worries down so they do not repeat on a loop in your mind. Also, the most important part, you need to have someone(s) to vent to on your "down days" or the days the worrying gets the best of you. I use LFAD a lot, and the friends I have made here to vent occasionally along with some coworkers who all bring positivity in my life. The key is even though you worry, to stay positive. I worry and overthink a lot of the time too, and the only thing you can do is trust. Trust that he stands by what he says, you know him best. If you do not trust him going into this, it might crumble and fall as a relationship. But with love, and trust, it can work.

Do I feel like this could work-
Yes. I believe if two people love each other and are determined to make this work, it will all work out. That is not to say it will work out exactly how and when you want it to, but it will work out.
You seem to be stuck on this plan you've had in your head on when you would like things to happen by, and trust me, everyone has a plan somewhat like that. However life likes to switch those plans, and even move them around. That does not mean what happens is bad simply because it strays away from the "perfect plan" that you have thought of in your head, do not forget that.

Should you worry when all of that happens-
Yes, take it one day at a time. The future is not a given, I say enjoy the present but to not let your mind wander so far into the future as to make concrete plans because as I said before life can crush those plans or move them.

He says he is in it for the long haul, I do not think he would say that if he did not mean it so, have you talked to him about this? Does he see you guys getting married within a couple years?
This is hard. This relationship- should you choose to pursue it will possibly be the hardest thing you've ever done (considerably anyways) but if you want to be able to spend forever with this man, think not about how hard it will be, but instead dwell on how worth it he and a life with him will be.

I have yet to meet my SO in person (this summer hopefully) we are 2000 miles away and yet we completely trust and love each other, and being with him is the most peaceful thing because I know it will be a constant in my life. Is it hard? Oh yeah. Really Hard. Is he/this worth it? yes. A million times over it is so worth it. Do I wish he was here with me? Yes, all the time. I would do anything to have him here and do the "normal" CD things like cuddle, go on real dates and just "relationship-y" type stuff but I know that he loves me. He truly loves me and that is the best feeling in the world. So much so that I put up with a lot of crap because of his job. One thing I will say that you have to know going into this, regardless of if he will be retiring from the military or not (I didn't read anything on if he would be or not, just putting this out there as good solid advice) the military will always come first. Every single time and there is nothing you can do about. I know that advice sucks to hear, but it's so true and ultimately it is probably the biggest cause of military relationships going south. The military owns them up until they retire or their contract is not renewed. I know it sucks, but best to know that now before starting this relationship to save some future heartache.

This is my advice on the matter as of right now. (welcome to LFAD btw)

EDIT:
Do not listen to your friends. Not every Military man cheats that is a huge stereotype. If he says he is in it for the long haul, better believe it.

[80anthea]

I'm not dating a military man but I am dating someone who it is near impossible to video call. My SO lives in a rural location with no internet connection to his house, the only connection he has is through his phone and his phone doesn't have a forward facing camera. We do manage to video call very occasionally when he's at his Mom's house but then there is no real privacy and we have tried it with his current phone but he has to keep turning it round so I can see him so that doesn't really work either. Video calling is great but it doesn't have to be the thing that holds your relationship together. We manage just fine with mainly voice calls and texts. Can you get him to video himself saying a message and send it to you for starters?

[whatruckus]

I've been with my SO for over 2 years, coming close to 2 1/2 years. Dating a military man isn't the same as a normal relationship. So, if that's something that you really want, then you need to think about that. Until he is done with the military, and is out for good (mine just got out officially in January after 8 years), it is not going to be normal.

The military owns him, and his guys will always come first. That is what they learn during boot camp: Your guys come above everyone, including your family. They are now your family. They are the ones in the bunker down with you, protecting your ass, saving your ass. They are your brothers.

This is something that I learned (and assumed) very early on in our relationship. You need to understand and respect that. You can not get mad at him if something military comes up, whether it's his guys needing him, or he gets called to do something. No matter how irritating it is and how mad you get. Don't take it out on him. It's not his fault. The military is his life.

Something like what happened to your SO while you were in the middle of a conversation happened to me and my SO last year. Only, it was when I was visiting. One of his guys was depressed, drinking, in a hotel room because he and his girl got into a big fight and broke up. Because my SO was his leader, the guy was texting my SO what happened. Then, my SO and another Army buddy in their unit went up to see the guy to make sure he was okay. They were worried that he was going to do something stupid. He was gone for like 3 hours. I didn't get mad, I didn't give him an attitude, I let him do his thing. It happens.

When you're dating someone in the military, you have to be flexible. Very flexible. Don't make solid plans because you never know if they're going to get called for something.

Also, getting married and having kids after 30 isn't a big deal. I'm about to be 27. My SO and I will probably not be able to close the distance for another few years. YEARS. We haven't even really talked about marriage. Right now, we're just trying to work on closing the distance. We may not have as big of a distance as most of the couples on here, but it still sucks we can't live together for a few years.

Also, not every military guy is a cheater. Are there a lot that are? Yes. My SO tells me stories. But, when you find one who isn't...it's a magical thing. I'm going to be honest, I highly doubt that I'll ever be able to look at dating a civilian the same. I'm spoiled. The passion and loyalty these guys have...it's amazing. Even worse is that mine is Infantry, so now I'm spoiled by an Infantryman. I don't mind. I love my Grunt.

As for the Skype thing, I think he got annoyed because you kept pushing it right after he told you it wasn't working and then tried to get him to do Oovoo, he was probably already frustrated at that time. I would just ask him again, "Hey, I know you got frustrated last time that it wasn't working, maybe the site was overloaded, would you mind trying it again? I just really want us to video chat because I think it would be fun. If it doesn't work again, at least we know we tried it again."

And, I would like to mention that even after he gets out, his guys will still always come first. That's just how it's going to be for the rest of his life. The only difference is, the military can't tell him what to do anymore.

[p_b82]

There are lots of options for video call other than skype, hell you can even do it through FB, so I would say be careful about what you are pushing.

Do you *need* to have video calls, no I don't think you do, but they are nice to have from time to time, especially if the time apart is quite long, or you just are the type that needs to see and hear a person to feel close to them.

All your other fears you mentioned could happen in any relationship, the LDR takes a little larger leap of faith, but if you spend time being afraid, you will never take risks and 'live' and might let an opportunity slide. They don't always work out the risks we take with relationships and people, but that doesn't mean we can't just dust ourselves off and try again at a later date.

I'll also add the fact that if you trust your friends more than your perspective lover, and they are feeding you full of doubts without knowing the person or the situation, then get different friends - or at least don't go to them for advice anymore. They do not know the person, and to say he is military and he will cheat is an insult. My father was military and missed most my childhood on deployment and fighting in wars because he was away a lot - my folks have just had the 40th wedding anniversary this past weekend....

If the relationship lasts well until he returns, then you will probably know at that point if the two of you are ready for kids and the like, and can have that discussion then, don't look too far into the future and plan things out, as life has a habit of throwing a spanner in the works and all the best laid plans then go to shit

Lastly, if your insecurities and overthinking have cost you relationships, you need to work on that part of you, I might even say outside of a relationship - as until you get a handle on it, and don't allow overthinking, then you are going to be in a position where you are stressing yourself out worrying over 'nothing' and that does get taxing for the other person in the relationship too.

[whatruckus]

There are lots of options for video call other than skype, hell you can even do it through FB, so I would say be careful about what you are pushing.

Do you *need* to have video calls, no I don't think you do, but they are nice to have from time to time, especially if the time apart is quite long, or you just are the type that needs to see and hear a person to feel close to them.

All your other fears you mentioned could happen in any relationship, the LDR takes a little larger leap of faith, but if you spend time being afraid, you will never take risks and 'live' and might let an opportunity slide. They don't always work out the risks we take with relationships and people, but that doesn't mean we can't just dust ourselves off and try again at a later date.

I'll also add the fact that if you trust your friends more than your perspective lover, and they are feeding you full of doubts without knowing the person or the situation, then get different friends - or at least don't go to them for advice anymore. They do not know the person, and to say he is military and he will cheat is an insult. My father was military and missed most my childhood on deployment and fighting in wars because he was away a lot - my folks have just had the 40th wedding anniversary this past weekend....

If the relationship lasts well until he returns, then you will probably know at that point if the two of you are ready for kids and the like, and can have that discussion then, don't look too far into the future and plan things out, as life has a habit of throwing a spanner in the works and all the best laid plans then go to shit

Lastly, if your insecurities and overthinking have cost you relationships, you need to work on that part of you, I might even say outside of a relationship - as until you get a handle on it, and don't allow overthinking, then you are going to be in a position where you are stressing yourself out worrying over 'nothing' and that does get taxing for the other person in the relationship too.

Yes. Also, my SO and I never video chat. I don't really know why. But, we just end up never doing it. We mostly text, call, or FB message...that's about it.

[Unconditional]

Yes. Also, my SO and I never video chat. I don't really know why. But, we just end up never doing it. We mostly text, call, or FB message...that's about it.

Most of our communication is via skype video calls, but mostly texts. Every relationship's communication is different, but I will say nothing compares to the first Skype call and all it's butterflies, at least for me in a way.

[ForeverHopefulRomantic]

Thanks everyone, things are getting better. We snap chat a lot and that is sufficient for me right now. I definitely care about him and I guess Aug isn't super far. He is talking about maybe coming in Dec instead of Aug so he can be with his family for the holidays and me, and his nephew has a birthday too. It seems like a bummer but I can handle it. He means so much to me and I really want to see if this can work thank you all.

[Unconditional]

Thanks everyone, things are getting better. We snap chat a lot and that is sufficient for me right now. I definitely care about him and I guess Aug isn't super far. He is talking about maybe coming in Dec instead of Aug so he can be with his family for the holidays and me, and his nephew has a birthday too. It seems like a bummer but I can handle it. He means so much to me and I really want to see if this can work thank you all.

Glad things are becoming better. August isn't that far, it'll go by in a flash! Oooh the holidays! I am sure it will be lovely- the holidays are such a lovely time to be with ones you love.