I'm having a hard time feeling good enough, in my relationship, and I totally think it's a self-manifested thought. If anyone has read my last couple of threads, you'd know I am presently suffering from a bout of depression and anxiety that I've recently decided I just don't. Want. Anymore. I've been going to counseling, and I'm about two months in. Talking to someone has really helped, and as a general WHOLE, I am doing better. I'm learning to live in the present, not the past or future, and I'm learning not to let my assumed, anxiety-ridden thoughts dictate my actions or behavior, and I'm learning how to relax more and more instead of be anxious about things all the time, as time goes by.
But I'm still having some issues. One of the biggest issues I've been struggling with is I don't feel like a good enough girlfriend to my boyfriend, in various ways. I try and look at things logically to rectify those things, like I listen to him while he talks about issues that he doesn't really talk to anyone else about, I'm willing to go the extra mile for him, and I very, very, very genuinely love and care for him. I don't force him to be someone he's not and I let him live life without being overbearing. I think these things are good attributes about me, and yet I still have issues with feeling inadequate. I don't think it's about what I DO as a girlfriend, per say, but more just... My personality. I feel like I must be boring to him. I find myself looking at all of his friends, and they tend to be the kinds of people that I am not. They like to go out, be a little crazy, enjoy the party scene, etc. I'm much more down to earth, mellow, and while I can get spurts of energy, I am definitely not a "party all night" person. When I look at everyone in his life compared to me, I get these thoughts that sneak in and plague my mind, like: "If he's so attracted to these kinds of individuals as friends, how could he ever be attracted to someone like me as a partner? They are everything I am not."
This has lead me to asking him what it is that he loves about me. The issue is... He can't give any exact reason. He can't cherry pick a part of my personality that really helps him love me. He usually responds with things like, "Because you're you, and because you love me." I suppose I should be flattered by such an all-encompassing response, but the fact that he just can't say a particular thing about my personality that he just adores... Maybe it tricks my mind into thinking that he DOESN'T like my personality? That if I were just more like the people he is friends with, that he could actually tell me? I can tell him things about him that I absolutely love, but he can't really do the same for me. Is this something to be concerned about? Because right now, my mind is reeling a bit and I'm not sure what to make about those responses, if I actually am over thinking it into anxiety or if I have a reason to be concerned.
I want to thank everyone for responding so politely on my posts like this. Talking to a therapist helps, but talking to a community where they understand the nuances of an LDR is also really helpful, and sometimes even more so. I'm just... Beyond sick of my mind, you guys. I'm sick of it sabotaging everything. I can hardly type how frustrated I am with it, without crying from the frustration. I love when I'm having a "good mental health" day, and I'm not taking ANYTHING he says and over thinking it, and just living in the moment, and we can talk so freely. He sounds so happy, and so do I. And I can laugh, and so can he. And I'm not questioning anything. And I'm so sick of it ruining that - I want that all the time, unless there's actually a GOOD reason for feeling otherwise.
I suppose when you actually actively try and fight something, it rears it's ugly head even harder until it's defeated. And I am determined to defeat it. But... I'm just not sure what to think right now. All I know is I'm beyond frustrated with myself, and tired of seeing other people with idolizing eyes.
But I'm still having some issues. One of the biggest issues I've been struggling with is I don't feel like a good enough girlfriend to my boyfriend, in various ways. I try and look at things logically to rectify those things, like I listen to him while he talks about issues that he doesn't really talk to anyone else about, I'm willing to go the extra mile for him, and I very, very, very genuinely love and care for him. I don't force him to be someone he's not and I let him live life without being overbearing. I think these things are good attributes about me, and yet I still have issues with feeling inadequate. I don't think it's about what I DO as a girlfriend, per say, but more just... My personality. I feel like I must be boring to him. I find myself looking at all of his friends, and they tend to be the kinds of people that I am not. They like to go out, be a little crazy, enjoy the party scene, etc. I'm much more down to earth, mellow, and while I can get spurts of energy, I am definitely not a "party all night" person. When I look at everyone in his life compared to me, I get these thoughts that sneak in and plague my mind, like: "If he's so attracted to these kinds of individuals as friends, how could he ever be attracted to someone like me as a partner? They are everything I am not."
This has lead me to asking him what it is that he loves about me. The issue is... He can't give any exact reason. He can't cherry pick a part of my personality that really helps him love me. He usually responds with things like, "Because you're you, and because you love me." I suppose I should be flattered by such an all-encompassing response, but the fact that he just can't say a particular thing about my personality that he just adores... Maybe it tricks my mind into thinking that he DOESN'T like my personality? That if I were just more like the people he is friends with, that he could actually tell me? I can tell him things about him that I absolutely love, but he can't really do the same for me. Is this something to be concerned about? Because right now, my mind is reeling a bit and I'm not sure what to make about those responses, if I actually am over thinking it into anxiety or if I have a reason to be concerned.
I want to thank everyone for responding so politely on my posts like this. Talking to a therapist helps, but talking to a community where they understand the nuances of an LDR is also really helpful, and sometimes even more so. I'm just... Beyond sick of my mind, you guys. I'm sick of it sabotaging everything. I can hardly type how frustrated I am with it, without crying from the frustration. I love when I'm having a "good mental health" day, and I'm not taking ANYTHING he says and over thinking it, and just living in the moment, and we can talk so freely. He sounds so happy, and so do I. And I can laugh, and so can he. And I'm not questioning anything. And I'm so sick of it ruining that - I want that all the time, unless there's actually a GOOD reason for feeling otherwise.
I suppose when you actually actively try and fight something, it rears it's ugly head even harder until it's defeated. And I am determined to defeat it. But... I'm just not sure what to think right now. All I know is I'm beyond frustrated with myself, and tired of seeing other people with idolizing eyes.
Please, take good care of yourself now.
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