My Addict

[LovingB]

My love has been a Benzo addict for a few years. He has relapsed several times and is also on Methadone. After getting him clean for 4 months he has started using again. He's always in so much pain because of a medical issue and when he is withdrawing it is 10x worse. I've stayed with him through all of this because I love him with all of my heart and want nothing more than to spend my life with him. However I always get so scared for him, for us. Are/have any of you ever been with and addict before? I just feel I need someone to talk to who has been in a similar situation.

[differentcountries]

I take it that he originally did not get sufficient pain treatment since he started overusing the Benzodiazepine type of drugs. This is an issue that needs to adressed in itself. Has he tried non-medical treatment of his pain issues? Is his medical issue stable?

[Miasmata]

That's very rough. You are brave for sticking with him and supporting him through all of that. Make sure you don't forget your own needs too, though. Is he in therapy? Since he's on Methadone, I assume he is? Does he also visit support groups or similiar means of help?

My SO used to have a strong pain medication addiction for a handful of years in late teenagehood/early adult age. He's been clean for a few years now, but it's still a part of him and his story in life, so we don't hide our feelings/concerns about it from each other, and we don't make it a taboo topic. Not sure how much I can help you, considering I met him after he got out of the worst regarding the addiction, but I'll be glad to do what I can. Please, take care of yourself.

[LovingB]

I take it that he originally did not get sufficient pain treatment since he started overusing the Benzodiazepine type of drugs. This is an issue that needs to adressed in itself. Has he tried non-medical treatment of his pain issues? Is his medical issue stable?

Yeah that's what happened and he developed anxiety as well. He has tried different medical treatments. The thing is he gives up hope when he should keep trying. He has just now found a great doctor but he has to push himself to get it resolved. I am not there to help him all I can do is encourage him from here.

[LovingB]

That's very rough. You are brave for sticking with him and supporting him through all of that. Make sure you don't forget your own needs too, though. Is he in therapy? Since he's on Methadone, I assume he is? Does he also visit support groups or similiar means of help?

My SO used to have a strong pain medication addiction for a handful of years in late teenagehood/early adult age. He's been clean for a few years now, but it's still a part of him and his story in life, so we don't hide our feelings/concerns about it from each other, and we don't make it a taboo topic. Not sure how much I can help you, considering I met him after he got out of the worst regarding the addiction, but I'll be glad to do what I can. Please, take care of yourself.

He goes to group meetings. I read that once a person is an addict it always stays with them. They just have to fight the urges.

[Moon]

I was married to a drug addict and alcoholic. I was with him for 9 years, but ultimately for mine and my daughter's safety and happiness, I divorced him. I learned that a girlfriend/wife/significant other cannot force the addict to get clean, it's something they must do on their own, by their own decision. Love does very little to persuade them to stay clean. I'd be happy to chat, but I'm not so sure I'm the best person to chat with, as I take a very hard stance on it, due to my experiences. The one thing I learned from the whole situation was that I will NEVER get involved with an addict again, the pain, aggravation and frustration simply wasn't worth it in the end. Good luck.

[80anthea]

My SO used to have a strong pain medication addiction for a handful of years in late teenagehood/early adult age. He's been clean for a few years now, but it's still a part of him and his story in life, so we don't hide our feelings/concerns about it from each other, and we don't make it a taboo topic. Not sure how much I can help you, considering I met him after he got out of the worst regarding the addiction, but I'll be glad to do what I can. Please, take care of yourself.

This is exactly the same with my SO, his Dad committed suicide when my SO was 14 and he never really dealt with it and turned to drugs for help. He managed to quit himself in his early 20s but he still considers himself an addict as he will still avoid any form of pain relief in case he slips back. We've talked about it quite a lot as at first I was confused as to why he just wouldn't take any pills for a headache.

[Miasmata]

He goes to group meetings. I read that once a person is an addict it always stays with them. They just have to fight the urges.

In some way, yes, it always stays with them. That's why it's so incredibly important to have a strong safety net with both professional help, group meetings and personal coping mechanisms (for example, my SO has good success with meditation and going to the gym). He'll always have to invest the effort to take care of himself and his behaviour. As long as he does that, he's definitely capable of leading a healthy and happy relationship. But you also gotta be honest with yourself and him about your feelings and needs. What do you feel you positively get out of the relationship? Do you feel happy with him? Do you feel what you give in terms of time and energy is worth it?

[Miasmata]

This is exactly the same with my SO, his Dad committed suicide when my SO was 14 and he never really dealt with it and turned to drugs foe help. He managed to quit himself in his early 20s but he still considers himself an addict as he will still avoid any form of pain relief in case he slips back. We've talked about it quite a lot as at first I was confused as to why he just wouldn't take any pills for a headache.

My SO avoids pain relief unless absolutely necessary, too. I encourage him not to shame himself if he does need it, but I also make sure he's in a healthy mindset when that happens. Addiction is always part of deeper mental issues, and the reasons/feelings you give into it for matter. I grew up with an alcoholic mother who only went clean when I was already moved out, so I know all too well how addictions ruin lives. My SO knows I will pack my stuff and leave if he gives up on himself and stops giving a damn about himself and his behaviour. I don't condemn him for his addiction issues, and I'm always there to support him, but there's no point if he should ever stop caring.

[LovingB]

Its often hard for him to get around. He has Spondilitus by the way, most likely caused by the injury that wasn't properly taken care of. He wants to stop the methadone and just see a psychiatrist. I'm all for that but either way he will still be on some kind of benzo cause methadone itself is one. But at least its better than getting pills off the streets and taking different things together, which is very deadly. Whenever his loved ones, myself and his parents, won't enable him physically or emotionally he gets so upset he feels as if no one cares for him. He got clean for me when he came here and I had hoped he would keep his word. So I know I can't stop him. But when his anxiety is really bad, there were a few times it was here, I can help him calm down. But until were in the same place again I have to keep worrying.

[Miasmata]

Well, like I keep saying, don't forget your own needs here. You sound worried and hurt, so I'll ask again: What do you feel you positively get out of the relationship? Do you feel happy with him? Do you feel what you give in terms of time and energy is worth it?
In the end, be honest with yourself: Do you trust him to keep investing the effort, or do you think he's complacent?

[LovingB]

I'm very much happy with him. The time we have spent together has been wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Everything good and not so good has been worth it cause he is the one for me. Sometimes when he's having a rough day he takes it out on others, but not me personally. Also I'm certain that other addicts do this as well. Its not like they mean to hurt their loved ones. Ovcourse different people have different opinions. Yeah it does upset me that he is on them but I could never leave him for it. I fell in love with him from the beginning. I'm worried cause of him being in so much pain that he could overdose. I imagine anyone in my shoes would. Also worried about his bad health, even if he wasn't using again. Despite it all though I truly feel he is worth it. So I am trying to be strong.

[differentcountries]

Does he get any physical treatment for his pain? Having a "bad" physical health doesn't have to be all that bad, and it can change. First he needs to get real symptom treatment, in order to determine what is changable pain and what kinds of pain he has to learn to live with. There are pysical therapists who specialize in that sort of treatment.

Has he been to a rehab clinic? There is where my "old aunt" (friend of the family) got rid of her medical addiction.

Also, not meaning to hurt someone doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt! If he takes it out on people around him, it will happen with you too sooner or later. You can only tell yourself for so long that "it is not him, it is the desease talking", because words will hurt, actions will hurt. A small level of taking out things agressively can be brushed off, but you should be aware of yourself wearing down. It happens easily to people who are close to sick people, and to addicts, please take care of yourself.

[Miasmata]

Also, not meaning to hurt someone doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt! If he takes it out on people around him, it will happen with you too sooner or later. You can only tell yourself for so long that "it is not him, it is the desease talking", because words will hurt, actions will hurt. A small level of taking out things agressively can be brushed off, but you should be aware of yourself wearing down. It happens easily to people who are close to sick people, and to addicts, please take care of yourself.

This is precisely what I meant, thank you. As long as you feel the relationship is fair and rewarding, it's all good, but don't forget your own needs, and don't forget that even in rough times, you still deserve to be treated right.

[Moon]

Also, not meaning to hurt someone doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt! If he takes it out on people around him, it will happen with you too sooner or later. You can only tell yourself for so long that "it is not him, it is the desease talking", because words will hurt, actions will hurt. A small level of taking out things agressively can be brushed off, but you should be aware of yourself wearing down. It happens easily to people who are close to sick people, and to addicts, please take care of yourself.

This is exactly right. Also, for me, my relationship with an addict eventually wore down my self-esteem, my dignity, my pride, and left me exhausted, angry and apathetic. Granted, my ex wasn't in chronic pain, he just loved doing drugs and drinking, but the fact that he refused to even consider slowing down, and chose that over his family hurt incredibly. You can only deal with that for so long, love does not conquer everything, and love should feel great more often than make you feel horrible, just keep that in mind. From what I understand, 20 years later, ex is still a raving alcoholic. Not sure if he's still abusing drugs, but his drinking habit never stopped apparently. My daughter hasn't been in contact with him for something like 12 years, he just let her go so he could party more.

I'm not saying your experience will be anything like mine, and I surely hope it's not, but you should be aware of how far addictions can go, and be prepared for it.