I'm 30 and she's 29. We met last summer in WA and had 1.5 months together before she left back to OK. I ended up having 2 weeks off right when she got to school so we worked out me coming down on a motorcycle trip and visiting her. I thought it would be our one last time together but we both wanted to continue so we started a long distance relationship. Right after I got home I flew to MN and met up to be her date at her friend's wedding. I was amazing on both these trips, on my best behavior. She loved it.
We started a schedule of calling every day or skyping twice a week. I occasionally got jealous of her going to bars or parties and said some stupid things. She didn't like this but accepted my apologies. I flew down for a quick visit on Thanksgiving and the trip went okay, but I felt like I could have done better.
The next time we were together she flew to WA a day before New Years. I took time off work and came up with a lot of stuff for us to do. We did wine tasting, snow hiking, stayed a few nights at a resort nearby, read to each other next to the fire. I surprised her with some thoughtful Christmas gifts. This was when we told each other we loved one another. We had an absolute blast and both of us were on cloud 9 for a while. I feel like this time together really improved us.
I flew back to OK for Valentine's Day weekend and this was a bit rough. The first night went okay, we didn't have dinner reservations so it was a bit difficult to find a place to eat. I wasn't being very decisive, which is unlike me. When she asked me what I wanted I was just saying, whatever you like, or I'm just visiting what do you think we should have? Then one day at lunch I was trying to figure out what to order at a Greek place and was confused. I was embarrassed by holding the line up, but also feeling too shy just to ask the kid behind the counter what to order. My social anxiety pegged and she asked the kid for me. I got angry at her and didn't say much for a while, then told her later I didn't like that she did that and that I was embarrassed. The reality was it was my own damn fault. I tried to make it up to her but felt like this trip had damaged us.
I think around this time I started to feel a little distance open up between us. We still talked but I felt like her outpouring of love was starting to abate.
We both flew to CT in March and stayed with her family for a week. This was a stressful trip for both of us. Me being surrounded by her family and almost no alone time. Sex was not very good. The last night she was torn between a complex side trip to her brother's or just going to the airport hotel and spending a nice evening alone with me. She asked me for advice and I told her she had to make the decision but added I wanted to be alone. She finally chose to just go to the airport but was clearly still stressed. We get there and its not the happiest night. We try to have sex and I end up being too stressed and get performance anxiety. She confronts me over it, but I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't able to fulfill her sexual needs the whole trip, this was a first for us.
The next morning we headed back to our respective homes. We only had 50 some odd days now until she was back in my town for all of summer. But the conversations were a bit short and stale. I was repeating myself a lot when I talked every day about what I was doing or planning, I didn't have much interesting to say. I noticed more criticisms from her and fewer flirty compliments. I started to feel I was giving more attention then I was receiving. But we were talking about summer and our plans and even things out to July were being talked about. This was great because its not often she plans far ahead with me. So I was excited. I thought that the rough spots could be smoothed out when we were finally together.
She picked up some contract field work out in Texas. I was really happy for her because it was good income and I knew she loved field work. The first few weeks of it we were communicating well, talking about having sex soon, flirting, etc.
Then I started messing up. One night she was on the road back to the job in TX and said she'd call me when she got there. I took a nap in the afternoon because I had a midshift that night. When I woke up it was an hour past when I thought she was supposed to be there. I got concerned and called her phone, it went straight to voice mail. I should have just left a message like, "hey call me when you can" but instead left some stupid message about how I thought she would have called by now is everything okay? Then I got impatient and texted her, "Is everything okay?" Then I tried calling again and she answered angry with "Can't I even settle in?" The drive had taken longer than expected and she was very angry I was sending her these messages asking if she was okay, because, rightly so, they made no real difference even if she wasn't. It was stupidly needy of me.
For some reason I couldn't stop here. One day she calls me in the morning, which is kinda unusual, to tell me she ran into an old friend from field work in the Northwest. After she tells me about it I say in a joking tone, "oh so you wanted to call me and tell me you ran into a cute guy?" She was unhappy with that, I apologized right away on the phone and tried telling her I was just kidding. But still, it was a stupid way to damage our trust.
A week later she's down there again and says she'll call after she finds a place to hide her truck from the incoming hail. Hours go by with nothing. This time I don't message her worried but just text her to call me when she can. She does kinda late and says when she got back to the hotel she hung out drinking with her coworkers. I got unhappy with her about it because I had been worried. The next day she admitted she had been drunk when she called and didn't really remember our chat. I again got unhappy with her and told her I didn't appreciate not getting a message telling me she would call me later and that I didn't really like that she didn't even remember our conversation. She said I don't want her to have any fun.
A few days later during our daily phone call it starts with her unhappy. She started to tell me about her day and then just stopped and said she didn't want to talk about her day anymore. I stupidly chose this juncture to bring up a pointless complaint. She went off, saying she couldn't do this anymore, these talks every day about pointless things. She said she was losing her interest in me. I told her I felt that communicating was important to our relationship but agreed to call every other day. She said we were in the home stretch so it should work out.
So we do this but I start to notice she doesn't respond to flirts anymore. Talk about future summer plans doesn't get a response either. Texting only happens if I initiate. I apologized for some of the things I'd said in the past few weeks but felt like she wasn't really listening. Then I notice she doesn't say "I love you" in response when I do. Its strange because the normal conversations are happy, and she's having a good time doing her job and hanging out with her coworkers, but there's something wrong. I ask her if she's finalized her road trip plans up to WA. She tells me the plan and includes that we are still going to Olympia on the weekend she gets back, which is about 11 hours together in the car. I asked if she wanted to spend the night there or just do the trip in one day. She says either is fine.
A couple days later I finally asked her how she saw our relationship right now. She said we were on life support. This is almost exactly 2 weeks from when we are supposed to be together. I was shocked. I didn't know what to say.
I tell her I'll call back in a few days and don't text her or get any texts from her in that time. I call her back a two days later and we talked. It started with what she'd been up to the last few days, a nice normal conversation, we were actually having some laughs about some stuff we talked about. Then I ask her if we can set aside a time on the day after she gets into town to talk. She agrees, although this is the only day she can show her friend (female roommate from OK) who is visiting at the same time the area so it might be tricky. I agree and ask her if we're still going to Olympia together. She says yes, almost surprised it wouldn't be that way, if I was okay with it. So I tell her I'm just so confused about what's going on with us. She says, very nicely that she just was losing interest. She felt that it would probably change when we were back together. I asked if she knew why she was losing interest but she couldn't say for sure. I told her that I think some of the things I said that I shouldn't have and my boring conversations probably had something to do with it. I tell her I'd like to hang out with her and her friend as they see the town, and she says she'll let me know.
So now she'll be here in one week. She's back home packing up, done with the field work job. She doesn't call or text me, but will respond. I texted her today and we talked for a bit. At first she had good news then I asked if she and her roommate were ready for the roadtrip and just got a "No". So the conversations don't go far right now. I've given up on phone chats until she's here. I don't know how to communicate with her right now and not push her away.
I realize I've been too needy with her. I haven't trusted her enough. I see this and know I can change things but I don't know how she feels right now. On one hand she seemed optimistic about regaining interest, on other she doesn't communicate with me. We still have plans to go on a full day trip together right after she gets here.
How do I communicate with her now and not make things worse before we talk? How should I approach working things out with her?
We started a schedule of calling every day or skyping twice a week. I occasionally got jealous of her going to bars or parties and said some stupid things. She didn't like this but accepted my apologies. I flew down for a quick visit on Thanksgiving and the trip went okay, but I felt like I could have done better.
The next time we were together she flew to WA a day before New Years. I took time off work and came up with a lot of stuff for us to do. We did wine tasting, snow hiking, stayed a few nights at a resort nearby, read to each other next to the fire. I surprised her with some thoughtful Christmas gifts. This was when we told each other we loved one another. We had an absolute blast and both of us were on cloud 9 for a while. I feel like this time together really improved us.
I flew back to OK for Valentine's Day weekend and this was a bit rough. The first night went okay, we didn't have dinner reservations so it was a bit difficult to find a place to eat. I wasn't being very decisive, which is unlike me. When she asked me what I wanted I was just saying, whatever you like, or I'm just visiting what do you think we should have? Then one day at lunch I was trying to figure out what to order at a Greek place and was confused. I was embarrassed by holding the line up, but also feeling too shy just to ask the kid behind the counter what to order. My social anxiety pegged and she asked the kid for me. I got angry at her and didn't say much for a while, then told her later I didn't like that she did that and that I was embarrassed. The reality was it was my own damn fault. I tried to make it up to her but felt like this trip had damaged us.
I think around this time I started to feel a little distance open up between us. We still talked but I felt like her outpouring of love was starting to abate.
We both flew to CT in March and stayed with her family for a week. This was a stressful trip for both of us. Me being surrounded by her family and almost no alone time. Sex was not very good. The last night she was torn between a complex side trip to her brother's or just going to the airport hotel and spending a nice evening alone with me. She asked me for advice and I told her she had to make the decision but added I wanted to be alone. She finally chose to just go to the airport but was clearly still stressed. We get there and its not the happiest night. We try to have sex and I end up being too stressed and get performance anxiety. She confronts me over it, but I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't able to fulfill her sexual needs the whole trip, this was a first for us.
The next morning we headed back to our respective homes. We only had 50 some odd days now until she was back in my town for all of summer. But the conversations were a bit short and stale. I was repeating myself a lot when I talked every day about what I was doing or planning, I didn't have much interesting to say. I noticed more criticisms from her and fewer flirty compliments. I started to feel I was giving more attention then I was receiving. But we were talking about summer and our plans and even things out to July were being talked about. This was great because its not often she plans far ahead with me. So I was excited. I thought that the rough spots could be smoothed out when we were finally together.
She picked up some contract field work out in Texas. I was really happy for her because it was good income and I knew she loved field work. The first few weeks of it we were communicating well, talking about having sex soon, flirting, etc.
Then I started messing up. One night she was on the road back to the job in TX and said she'd call me when she got there. I took a nap in the afternoon because I had a midshift that night. When I woke up it was an hour past when I thought she was supposed to be there. I got concerned and called her phone, it went straight to voice mail. I should have just left a message like, "hey call me when you can" but instead left some stupid message about how I thought she would have called by now is everything okay? Then I got impatient and texted her, "Is everything okay?" Then I tried calling again and she answered angry with "Can't I even settle in?" The drive had taken longer than expected and she was very angry I was sending her these messages asking if she was okay, because, rightly so, they made no real difference even if she wasn't. It was stupidly needy of me.
For some reason I couldn't stop here. One day she calls me in the morning, which is kinda unusual, to tell me she ran into an old friend from field work in the Northwest. After she tells me about it I say in a joking tone, "oh so you wanted to call me and tell me you ran into a cute guy?" She was unhappy with that, I apologized right away on the phone and tried telling her I was just kidding. But still, it was a stupid way to damage our trust.
A week later she's down there again and says she'll call after she finds a place to hide her truck from the incoming hail. Hours go by with nothing. This time I don't message her worried but just text her to call me when she can. She does kinda late and says when she got back to the hotel she hung out drinking with her coworkers. I got unhappy with her about it because I had been worried. The next day she admitted she had been drunk when she called and didn't really remember our chat. I again got unhappy with her and told her I didn't appreciate not getting a message telling me she would call me later and that I didn't really like that she didn't even remember our conversation. She said I don't want her to have any fun.
A few days later during our daily phone call it starts with her unhappy. She started to tell me about her day and then just stopped and said she didn't want to talk about her day anymore. I stupidly chose this juncture to bring up a pointless complaint. She went off, saying she couldn't do this anymore, these talks every day about pointless things. She said she was losing her interest in me. I told her I felt that communicating was important to our relationship but agreed to call every other day. She said we were in the home stretch so it should work out.
So we do this but I start to notice she doesn't respond to flirts anymore. Talk about future summer plans doesn't get a response either. Texting only happens if I initiate. I apologized for some of the things I'd said in the past few weeks but felt like she wasn't really listening. Then I notice she doesn't say "I love you" in response when I do. Its strange because the normal conversations are happy, and she's having a good time doing her job and hanging out with her coworkers, but there's something wrong. I ask her if she's finalized her road trip plans up to WA. She tells me the plan and includes that we are still going to Olympia on the weekend she gets back, which is about 11 hours together in the car. I asked if she wanted to spend the night there or just do the trip in one day. She says either is fine.
A couple days later I finally asked her how she saw our relationship right now. She said we were on life support. This is almost exactly 2 weeks from when we are supposed to be together. I was shocked. I didn't know what to say.
I tell her I'll call back in a few days and don't text her or get any texts from her in that time. I call her back a two days later and we talked. It started with what she'd been up to the last few days, a nice normal conversation, we were actually having some laughs about some stuff we talked about. Then I ask her if we can set aside a time on the day after she gets into town to talk. She agrees, although this is the only day she can show her friend (female roommate from OK) who is visiting at the same time the area so it might be tricky. I agree and ask her if we're still going to Olympia together. She says yes, almost surprised it wouldn't be that way, if I was okay with it. So I tell her I'm just so confused about what's going on with us. She says, very nicely that she just was losing interest. She felt that it would probably change when we were back together. I asked if she knew why she was losing interest but she couldn't say for sure. I told her that I think some of the things I said that I shouldn't have and my boring conversations probably had something to do with it. I tell her I'd like to hang out with her and her friend as they see the town, and she says she'll let me know.
So now she'll be here in one week. She's back home packing up, done with the field work job. She doesn't call or text me, but will respond. I texted her today and we talked for a bit. At first she had good news then I asked if she and her roommate were ready for the roadtrip and just got a "No". So the conversations don't go far right now. I've given up on phone chats until she's here. I don't know how to communicate with her right now and not push her away.
I realize I've been too needy with her. I haven't trusted her enough. I see this and know I can change things but I don't know how she feels right now. On one hand she seemed optimistic about regaining interest, on other she doesn't communicate with me. We still have plans to go on a full day trip together right after she gets here.
How do I communicate with her now and not make things worse before we talk? How should I approach working things out with her?
I hope you have an amazing road trip. I can't wait to see you again."
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