Losing interest right before we're supposed to be together for the summer.

[Kapwned]

If we were still in our normal conversation routine and things were going like they were, yes that would be the way I would go about it.

But you have to stop and remember that she is probably needing space and that's why your conversations haven't been the same routine. The harder you try and the more you fret the more you will push her away. Right now it seems like you're still feeding off of your insecurities and you're desiring things that will only pacify your insecurities such as the call routine. If she were calling you and talking to you it doesn't mean the issue would cease to exist. Something brought you to this point and that is your insecurities creating issues and conflicts where there were none. But now it has bit you in the butt and created one and now it might be best for you to step back. She is on a trip right now with a friend. She is likely busy. I'd keep contact to texts for now.

[Schmitty21]

I guess I'm still confused then. Communication between us was very easy 1-2 months ago before we got into this situation. I didn't pressure her to text me, we just naturally did throughout the day, and not an absurd amount. Yes there was pressure from me for the daily phone calls once in a while but I backed off right away when she said she had become unhappy with it. I'm going to feel insecure with a situation where there is now no contact from her. Who wouldn't?

So yes, I have backed off. Yesterday I texted her asking how Colorado was since I was concerned about the nasty weather they had to deal with. I didn't mention that, just asked how Colorado was. A few hours later she said, "Good, we're feasting!" and sent me a pic of their dinner. I said "Looks delicious!" and left it at that, just happy that everything was going okay.

I suppose its the drastic change and mixed messages that have me off balance still. I understand I was needy and I have to do better at that. But when you're comfortable with a certain level of contact and that disappears very suddenly, its difficult, especially over distance. I don't want to bug her or pester her, but in a relationship is it wrong to desire at least some attention from the other party? I know before I wanted too much, but now I have none from her. Its a very painful change to wonder every day if they even care about you at all.

I don't know what side of the line to walk on, before it was so natural for us to chat. With no texts from her I feel like I should just take the hint and leave her be. We've never "played games" before, even when we first started dating. We just talked or texted as it suited us.

Honestly today I just feel like giving up. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I don't know how to do anything without being selfish because I just want to talk to her. I've been in the dark for a while now and its too stressful. I guess I just have to keep myself busy until Friday and face the facts when they finally decide to show themselves.

[whatruckus]

I guess I'm still confused then. Communication between us was very easy 1-2 months ago before we got into this situation. I didn't pressure her to text me, we just naturally did throughout the day, and not an absurd amount. Yes there was pressure from me for the daily phone calls once in a while but I backed off right away when she said she had become unhappy with it. I'm going to feel insecure with a situation where there is now no contact from her. Who wouldn't?

So yes, I have backed off. Yesterday I texted her asking how Colorado was since I was concerned about the nasty weather they had to deal with. I didn't mention that, just asked how Colorado was. A few hours later she said, "Good, we're feasting!" and sent me a pic of their dinner. I said "Looks delicious!" and left it at that, just happy that everything was going okay.

I suppose its the drastic change and mixed messages that have me off balance still. I understand I was needy and I have to do better at that. But when you're comfortable with a certain level of contact and that disappears very suddenly, its difficult, especially over distance. I don't want to bug her or pester her, but in a relationship is it wrong to desire at least some attention from the other party? I know before I wanted too much, but now I have none from her. Its a very painful change to wonder every day if they even care about you at all.

I don't know what side of the line to walk on, before it was so natural for us to chat. With no texts from her I feel like I should just take the hint and leave her be. We've never "played games" before, even when we first started dating. We just talked or texted as it suited us.

Honestly today I just feel like giving up. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I don't know how to do anything without being selfish because I just want to talk to her. I've been in the dark for a while now and its too stressful. I guess I just have to keep myself busy until Friday and face the facts when they finally decide to show themselves.

It's harder for you now, in terms of the communication, because you were so worried. Your anxiety is making you want to bring it up and talk to her all the time now. Trust me. I've been there. When my SO gets upset with me because I was being stupid and irrational, all I want to do is apologize over and over and tell him I love him. It annoys him and makes him distance himself from me. I realized, really, the best thing to do to make things smooth again is just to leave him alone and let him cool off. When it's been a few hours, or a day or two (depending on the situation), of me not bringing it up and leaving it, I just write him an email explaining myself. And, that's it. I don't bring it up again. Then, we're fine.

What your whole situation looks like to me is what happened to me and my SO. I was pretty needy for the first year - year and a half. He started distancing himself from me and told me he was losing interest. Granted, it was mostly his PTSD, but I do take fault in being overly needy with him. I used to do the same things you did. It irritated him. Like everyone keeps saying, you really just need to back off for a while and learn not to jump the gun when you get anxious. It's not easy. But, I've done it, and I was pretty bad. I've gotten wayyyyyyyyyy better and he even says it.

[whatruckus]

When you start to get anxious and feel the need to text her or call her, stop and think. Count to 10. Think to yourself, "Is this REALLY something that's necessary? Do I REALLY need to text her/call her for this? Or, am I being irrational again?" I do this. It helps. When I start getting this way, and I've already picked up my phone, I just stare at it for a couple seconds. Put it down, and then think "If this is something that's really necessary, then it'll be okay if I don't contact him right this second because the urge will still be there." You know what almost always happens? I don't even pick my phone up again to contact my SO. And, whatever it was at the moment that was making me have that anxiety, it goes away and I forget about it.

[TheSteelAngel]

When you start to get anxious and feel the need to text her or call her, stop and think. Count to 10. Think to yourself, "Is this REALLY something that's necessary? Do I REALLY need to text her/call her for this? Or, am I being irrational again?" I do this. It helps. When I start getting this way, and I've already picked up my phone, I just stare at it for a couple seconds. Put it down, and then think "If this is something that's really necessary, then it'll be okay if I don't contact him right this second because the urge will still be there." You know what almost always happens? I don't even pick my phone up again to contact my SO. And, whatever it was at the moment that was making me have that anxiety, it goes away and I forget about it.

This is actually really helpful. I only realized it myself a while ago myself. Whenever you have an anxiety moment just stop, breath, and really think about it. Is the problem you're facing really as bad as you think? Or is it just your anxiety playing mind games with you? Neediness is a state of mind and once you realize it, it can become easier and easier to control. Good luck

[Kapwned]

You are still focusing on your needs, and you're starting to sound melodramatic. This is when you take the advice of those who commented before this. Insecurities and anxiety tend to catastrophize things and blow them out of proportion.

Is it wrong to desire at least some attention from the other party?.

No, but if your partner requests space or less contact, and you persist and give them a hard time for it, then yes, it is wrong. You either accept that this is what they want and it's because of reasons, or you move on and find someone who will give you the amount of time and attention you desire.

I'm going to feel insecure with a situation where there is now no contact from her. Who wouldn't?

You do not have zero contact with her, you have less. You are still hearing from her, you are just dissatisfied with the amount and the fact that you are taking a lot of the initiative lately. But you have to understand why she takes no initiative. Either 1. She wants space, or 2. You trusts you will take the initiative, anyway, or 3. Both.

I just want to talk to her. I've been in the dark for a while now and its too stressful. I guess I just have to keep myself busy until Friday and face the facts when they finally decide to show themselves.

You are not in the dark. She has been honest about her issues with you from the beginning. You even told us. She is feeling less interested in you as of late and she feels the trip will reaffirm the status of your relationship. She is probably thinking that if you two can have a fun and problem free trip (as in you two, not something like dinner reservations going wrong) then everything is okay. But until then to put it bluntly, you are probably pestering her with your neediness that is only getting worse. If you start to revert back to your insecurity induced ways of thinking and acting, it may push her away even more.

Things aren't the way they are just because, you have all of the facts and answers here. If you stop focusing on the results and what it's come to, and instead focus on the cause and the solution you can make things better.

[Schmitty21]

To be honest I appreciate your advice but your insistence that I'm am pestering her constantly is wrongly placed. I HAVE respected her desire for space. I have not called her in 5 days and did not plan on doing so until she is here. I texted her once a day the past few days and haven't at all today. I have not given her a hard time for anything since she told me was starting to lose interest. I've tried to be as accommodating as possible, something I wish I had done far sooner.

I am stating I do not understand how we so quickly went into a state of very little communication and that her not taking any initiative at all has me worried. I am saying I am unsure of how much communication to pursue, though at this point I think none is probably the best course until she is here. Yes that is insecure but considering the history of our relationship, which was a mutual amount of communication for the most part, I do not see why this is not understandable to be at least a little upset about. We used to share our adventures and days quite a bit. I can accept that she is busy and on a trip, and I have. But I think I'm am at least allowed to miss the woman I love and the contact with her I used to enjoy.

You are correct on your point about not having zero contact. It may be uncomfortable right now but its not nothing.

[differentcountries]

You are allowed to be sad. Really. But look at it from her side... She loved a man who went from loving her back the way she liked it to either not treating her well or becoming too intense. Now she wonder, has he changed at all? Is he still wrapped up in himself, or can he see me?

I have no doubt my ex once loved me. But her insecurities distroyed our relationship. I felt either suffocated or ignored. It started as a whirlwind of emotion and ended up everything being about her. This could be in your future too.

[p_b82]

Also to weigh in at the end, that relationships change and alter in time, they are not a constant, and there will be times that work is needed to get through the downs.

I was dumped because my ex felt stifled as it turned out - she however had not been as clear with her communication as your GF has been, and so I was left in the dark chasing something, which was making it all worse. If she had said to me - You are not acting rationally, you are stifling me and I can't maintain this level of communication, we need to work out a new balance, I am 90% confident we would still be together.

One thing I learnt from all that, is to make sure that the expectation of each party is understood, and if the expectations are wildly different, then while you might love her hugely, it might just be a relationship that doesn't work out for each of you longer term - because you want different things and have altering emotional requirements. And there is nothing wrong with that - it sucks if it is not mutual, but better than remaining in something where it is not even in my mind.

[Kapwned]

To be honest I appreciate your advice but your insistence that I'm am pestering her constantly is wrongly placed. I HAVE respected her desire for space. I have not called her in 5 days and did not plan on doing so until she is here. I texted her once a day the past few days and haven't at all today. I have not given her a hard time for anything since she told me was starting to lose interest. I've tried to be as accommodating as possible, something I wish I had done far sooner.

I am stating I do not understand how we so quickly went into a state of very little communication and that her not taking any initiative at all has me worried. I am saying I am unsure of how much communication to pursue, though at this point I think none is probably the best course until she is here. Yes that is insecure but considering the history of our relationship, which was a mutual amount of communication for the most part, I do not see why this is not understandable to be at least a little upset about. We used to share our adventures and days quite a bit. I can accept that she is busy and on a trip, and I have. But I think I'm am at least allowed to miss the woman I love and the contact with her I used to enjoy.

You are correct on your point about not having zero contact. It may be uncomfortable right now but its not nothing.

I think as another piece of advice, you should let go of routines, and let go of what your relationship was like. Your relationship in a year will not be what it's like now, nor will it be like what it was like in the beginning. Every couple starts off all lovey dovey and feel this desire to share every detail of their life with each other, and for many this is very hard to maintain. It doesn't mean the love is gone, the relationship is just evolving and if the other person cannot embrace the changes, then there will be conflict. But again you appear to have a domino effect of things here so I think it's easy to lose focus on the causes, and I still think you're too caught up in the effects. You've admitted your faults, but you keep bringing up how you're upset, you're in the dark, you just want to talk to her, why can't you be upset? You can feel however you want, but it won't fix anything. I understand you've done what you can, but these things take time.

In the beginning of my relationship my boyfriend was so verbally affectionate, he said some of the sweetest things I'd ever heard anyone say to me. But with time that flat out disappeared. He is not verbally affectionate at all now because it simply isn't what he's like. He's not a verbally expressive guy. He stutters every time he has to say something affectionate or complimentary toward someone. The only reason he was so affectionate in the beginning was because he was high on oxytocin and endorphin due to his new relationship. For some people this stage lasts longer than others, it's why it's called the puppy love, cloud 9, or honeymoon phase. But I know my boyfriend still loves me. It's hard to tell at times because when we're apart he can't physically show it and he doesn't verbally show it either. I admit I struggled with this in the beginning and I found myself straight up asking how he was feeling about me. He started to get annoyed because he knew I was asking simply because he wasn't verbal about it and I wanted a verbal affirmation. I had to find his subtle ways of showing he cared. I continue to show my love for him verbally even if he doesn't respond to it equally. But he shows he cares in the subtle things he says, and the gestures he makes. We don't have a routine anymore, at least anything declared or promised. I care about him, I'm interested in him, so I am learning to simply enjoy him.

[Taki]

Just stop talking about it with her. Not even briefly or casually. ... When you aren't having fun because things aren't going as you planned, she probably wasn't having fun because of that. When you couldn't see the good in a situation, she probably felt like she or your relationship weren't good enough for you. And then you'd want to talk about it and apologize. You are most likely mentally and emotionally exhausting her.

She probably needs space and you need to work on your insecurities on your own. You don't need to apologize, there's probably little you can do other than give into your insecurities. You can't just convince her with words or apologetic gestures. Like I said, she's probably feeling mentally exhausted over how insecure you've been acting. ...And imagine how much of a mood killer someone can be if they frequently bring up heavy topics when all you want to do is talk and spend time with them?

Golden advice. I strongly suggest you follow this!

[Rezie]

This thread is from 2015. (not to say the topic is not relevant to some)

[Taki]

This thread is from 2015. (not to say the topic is not relevant to some)

Oh wow....did not notice that...lol. I wonder what happened to the OP and his GF