New woman but mixed signals

[Chris516]

I have been talking almost nightly with a new woman in California. While I took it upon myself, to help her get a new phone. That was before a male friend of hers started sleeping on the living room couch. She told me that her friend was staying there because he wasn't getting along with his mother. Seemed genuinely platonic.

She also told me they never fight. She told me previously, when I asked where I would sleep if I were to come out there, that I could sleep on the couch. Well, Even if I had the $ for the flight + food for the week. How could I sleep on the couch with him there. Unless she has two couches. She also told me, that he doesn't have any problem with her 'breaking out into song'. Whereas, Her own father, and her son's father never liked it.(why would someone have a problem with that....weird)

But then she told me a couple nights ago that, she has three credit/debit cards, and while not using two of the cards, she has a $1,000 balance on one of the cards.

She has been concerned, when I don't call her every night. Yet she tells me about the fun things they do together(movies, eating out, going to the casino, etc.). There have even been a couple times, that I have called her, when it turned out they were at the casino. Also that, she doesn't know what to talk about.

He seems like a genuine guy. Because of suggesting to her, to send me a Youtube compilation video of the show 'South Park'. I don't watch the show myself. Because I have no interest in it. But I went ahead and watched part of the video anyway. I got bored with it. Because the entire video was 4hrs. 55mins. long. There was nothing in the video, that he was overtly trying to tell me.

I am not going to tell her, to tell him, to leave her apartment. But, Even if I had the $ to travel out there, I would be going to see her, not him.

Any feedback is appreciated.

[differentcountries]

You seem to have an issue with people who like things that are different from your likes and dislikes (it is quite normal for people to not like singing all the time, and to like and want to share movies they like). Is it generally upsetting to you that people are different from you, or are you just jealous of her ex and her friend?

How long is this friend going to stay? Will he pay rent, or will she manage it all with her troubled economy?

If you travel to see her, ask that the friend stays elsewhere, or rent a hotel.

[Chris516]

You seem to have an issue with people who like things that are different from your likes and dislikes (it is quite normal for people to not like singing all the time, and to like and want to share movies they like). Is it generally upsetting to you that people are different from you, or are you just jealous of her ex and her friend?

How long is this friend going to stay? Will he pay rent, or will she manage it all with her troubled economy?

If you travel to see her, ask that the friend stays elsewhere, or rent a hotel.

On her 'breaking out into song', I pointed out about her own father, and the father of her son not liking it. Because, I like it(Simon Cowell needs to learn respect). I have no problem with her and her friend watching a movie on cable together, going to the casino, or going out to eat together.

How long will he stay? I don't know.
Will he pay rent? I would think he would have to. Regardless of whether he can manage to pay rent somehow. I would think it would a violation of the lease, after a week. Since he is not on the lease.

I don't know how she is managing it.

I would like to ask him to stay elsewhere(if he is still there at the time AND, she doesn't have two couches). If he were there when I did go out and, she doesn't have two couches. I would feel incredibly guilty for doing that to him. I would feel like I was being a bully to him. When I first asked her where I would stay, I was fully expecting her to say a nearby hotel/motel. Not on her couch. Which was a pleasant surprise(and a financial relief).

[snow]

I get what you mean when you say mixed signals.. on the one hand she seems really interested in you, trying to spend as much time with you as possible and gets sad if she can't and on the other, she does all those things with her friend and tells you how great they are together.

It's hard to say how she really feels. I know, for myself, that if I start talking about a guy a lot, I am falling in love with that guy and you know, saying how he likes it when she breaks out into song is satisfying a personal desire. I would love to break out into song, but my husband doesn't like that so if I was around someone I was able to do that, it'd feel like satisfying a need.

The whole situation is weird. Until you are official (are you? I didn't get that from the post!) and exclusive, I don't know if the other guy isn't in the way.

[Zephii]

I'm actually really unclear what the problem is.

She has a friend staying in her house. They have fun together. He has a penis, but half the population do, so like, who cares? He is not a threat just because they get along and he has a penis.

I'm not sure why you are telling us about her finances. Her finances are not your finances, and you just started dating... so unless she asks you for money, (at which point, say no. You just met this chick) how much she has and what she does with it tells you nothing about your relationship status, or her friendship status with this other guy. It's just additional information about her that you can use as part of the jigsaw that is her personality.

If you are insinuating that you shouldn't have helped her get the phone because she has the money for it, then take it as a lesson learned. She might value money differently to you, and value having a phone differently to you. Her priorities are not necessarily your priorities, you see?

There's no reason you can't stay at her place while he says at her place. You're young, sleep on the floor! Inflatable mattresses can also be picked up cheap. Hell, you might get upgraded from couch to her bedroom floor. Or, you could just ASK HER where you'd be staying now that he's living there. It could tell you a lot.

Seriously, talk to each other. That's how misunderstandings are resolved. Good luck!

[differentcountries]

BTW: You are not official, and you pay her phone. That sounds super expensive and a bit risky. I admit to getting my bf a phone when we had just started dating, to facilitate our communication, but we were dating. I can get buying dinner for someone you are interested in pursuing, but why help her money-wise if she is not officially your date? That sounds very weird to me. Especially since everything you write (wondering if you can afford travels or hotel) make it obvious you are not well off.

[whatruckus]

I'm also confused. Are you threatened by this "friend"? Are you unsure if she has feelings for you, or for him? If this is the case, you really need to talk to her and ask her flat out.

As for the couch thing, if you really feel uncomfortable sleeping there with him there, then rent a hotel room. Or, ask her if she has two couches. Or, ask her if he's going to be there while you're there. The problem is you don't seem to be direct with her. You're assuming all of these things without actually asking her. And, instead of asking her, you hint to her. She has no idea how you feel about anything unless you tell her. She's probably oblivious. Be more direct.

[Chris516]

I get what you mean when you say mixed signals.. on the one hand she seems really interested in you, trying to spend as much time with you as possible and gets sad if she can't and on the other, she does all those things with her friend and tells you how great they are together.

It's hard to say how she really feels. I know, for myself, that if I start talking about a guy a lot, I am falling in love with that guy and you know, saying how he likes it when she breaks out into song is satisfying a personal desire. I would love to break out into song, but my husband doesn't like that so if I was around someone I was able to do that, it'd feel like satisfying a need.

The whole situation is weird. Until you are official (are you? I didn't get that from the post!) and exclusive, I don't know if the other guy isn't in the way.

Yes, It is weird. We are not official. I don't think they are either. Because, If they were. I don't think he would be sleeping on the couch.

I'm actually really unclear what the problem is.

She has a friend staying in her house. They have fun together. He has a penis, but half the population do, so like, who cares? He is not a threat just because they get along and he has a penis.

I'm not sure why you are telling us about her finances. Her finances are not your finances, and you just started dating... so unless she asks you for money, (at which point, say no. You just met this chick) how much she has and what she does with it tells you nothing about your relationship status, or her friendship status with this other guy. It's just additional information about her that you can use as part of the jigsaw that is her personality.

If you are insinuating that you shouldn't have helped her get the phone because she has the money for it, then take it as a lesson learned. She might value money differently to you, and value having a phone differently to you. Her priorities are not necessarily your priorities, you see?

There's no reason you can't stay at her place while he says at her place. You're young, sleep on the floor! Inflatable mattresses can also be picked up cheap. Hell, you might get upgraded from couch to her bedroom floor. Or, you could just ASK HER where you'd be staying now that he's living there. It could tell you a lot.

Seriously, talk to each other. That's how misunderstandings are resolved. Good luck!

She doesn't own/rent a house. She rents an apartment. That is why I mentioned her lease. I am not dating her. She told me about her credit card debt. I don't recall what prompted her to mention it. Jigsaw, Is a good choice of word for the situation.

I am not insinuating that I shouldn't have helped her get the phone. Because, Financially, I didn't help her at all. I just helped her with the phone, when I couldn't get a hold of her. I contacted her son's father via FB. Since he was the only one I could get a hold of, and told him. He contacted their son, who went over to help. She was very grateful I did that. Because, No one would have been able to get a hold of her. Without going over to her apartment. Their son did go over there to help.

The mention of the finances, was because, I was in a financial situation with credit cards in the 1990's. I have not used a credit card since then. Your comment about sleeping arrangements is both true, and has me ROTFLMHO!!!!

I agree about talking to her, Thanks.

BTW: You are not official, and you pay her phone. That sounds super expensive and a bit risky. I admit to getting my bf a phone when we had just started dating, to facilitate our communication, but we were dating. I can get buying dinner for someone you are interested in pursuing, but why help her money-wise if she is not officially your date? That sounds very weird to me. Especially since everything you write (wondering if you can afford travels or hotel) make it obvious you are not well off.

I don't pay her phone. The $1,000 is credit card debt. I don't make megabucks. Since she said I could stay at her apartment. I don't have to worry about lodging, just travel and food.

I'm also confused. Are you threatened by this "friend"? Are you unsure if she has feelings for you, or for him? If this is the case, you really need to talk to her and ask her flat out.

As for the couch thing, if you really feel uncomfortable sleeping there with him there, then rent a hotel room. Or, ask her if she has two couches. Or, ask her if he's going to be there while you're there. The problem is you don't seem to be direct with her. You're assuming all of these things without actually asking her. And, instead of asking her, you hint to her. She has no idea how you feel about anything unless you tell her. She's probably oblivious. Be more direct.

I am not 'threatened' by her friend being there. I just feel like I would be intruding with him there. Because, He hasn't been there very long. I try to be direct with her. But, It is she is having two conversations at the same time. I am trying to be respectful of him and his circumstances for being there in the first place.

[Miasmata]

So you two are not dating and not official. Are you interested in her, though? Is that why this is an issue in the first place? If yes, does she know you're interested?

[whatruckus]

Yes, It is weird. We are not official. I don't think they are either. Because, If they were. I don't think he would be sleeping on the couch.

She doesn't own/rent a house. She rents an apartment. That is why I mentioned her lease. I am not dating her. She told me about her credit card debt. I don't recall what prompted her to mention it. Jigsaw, Is a good choice of word for the situation.

I am not insinuating that I shouldn't have helped her get the phone. Because, Financially, I didn't help her at all. I just helped her with the phone, when I couldn't get a hold of her. I contacted her son's father via FB. Since he was the only one I could get a hold of, and told him. He contacted their son, who went over to help. She was very grateful I did that. Because, No one would have been able to get a hold of her. Without going over to her apartment. Their son did go over there to help.

The mention of the finances, was because, I was in a financial situation with credit cards in the 1990's. I have not used a credit card since then. Your comment about sleeping arrangements is both true, and has me ROTFLMHO!!!!

I agree about talking to her, Thanks.

I don't pay her phone. The $1,000 is credit card debt. I don't make megabucks. Since she said I could stay at her apartment. I don't have to worry about lodging, just travel and food.

I am not 'threatened' by her friend being there. I just feel like I would be intruding with him there. Because, He hasn't been there very long. I try to be direct with her. But, It is she is having two conversations at the same time. I am trying to be respectful of him and his circumstances for being there in the first place.

It's probably already a violation of her lease to have him stay there like that. I know most places have rules about that kind of stuff, and probably if he's there longer than a week, and the landlord finds out, she could get evicted. Or, he'd need to be put on the lease.

[Chris516]

So you two are not dating and not official. Are you interested in her, though? Is that why this is an issue in the first place? If yes, does she know you're interested?

I am interested. But it is not 'full blown'. I am still 'treading water', and not trying to get my hopes. Just sort out my confusion.

It's probably already a violation of her lease to have him stay there like that. I know most places have rules about that kind of stuff, and probably if he's there longer than a week, and the landlord finds out, she could get evicted. Or, he'd need to be put on the lease.

I know. It concerns me. But I am not going to 'brow-beat' her about it. She probably knows it, too. I did something like that 13yrs. ago, and got evicted. She probably already knows, that she could get evicted. I just hope it doesn't happen.

[Zephii]

Ok, I'm still really confused about why you're confused.

You're a bit interested in her.

She's a bit interested in you (she must be, or she wouldn't waste time talking to you etc.)

She has someone staying in her rental place that is absolutely none of your business, and that she's been honest about.

Where is the problem, exactly?

[Chris516]

Ok, I'm still really confused about why you're confused.

You're a bit interested in her.

She's a bit interested in you (she must be, or she wouldn't waste time talking to you etc.)

She has someone staying in her rental place that is absolutely none of your business, and that she's been honest about.

Where is the problem, exactly?

Since then(last May), I have found out a lot more. That has cleared up a lot of my 'confusion'. The guy living at her apartment. Has a girlfriend elsewhere(I don't know where but, he will spend the night at his girlfriend's place every once-in-a-while)

She recently told me that, he had told her(the woman of interest), that he would never go out with her. I told her, that was his loss. We talk on the phone every night now.