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**differentcountries** · May 14, 2015, 06:40 AM

I am not sure I understand... If you have the money , can't you go visit him?

**Zephii** · May 14, 2015, 06:46 AM

DC beat me to it. The simple solution does seem to be you going there.

It seems like he doesn't want to take your money likely because of macho reasons. But whatever reason, that's a good sign. With all the scammers on the internet (particularly people who get into LDRs specifically to cheat lonely people out of their cash) it's heartening that he's not asking or taking anything from you. With that said, if he wouldn't let you visit, I would take that as a bloody huge red flag.

**Unicorn26** · May 14, 2015, 06:49 AM

Sorry, I didn't explain that part of it. I have young children and an ex husband who is bitter, obsessed with me and doing his best to try and prove I am an unfit parent. If I were to go to USA on my own to see a guy I'd met on the internet he would have lawyers all over me and I could end up losing custody of the kids, then lose the house, my dogs, everything. He needs to come here first, he has family here and friends here. He's always wanted to come here for a visit. We have discussed visiting lots of times and both agree he needs to come here first as I cannot risk everything. I also have 2 jobs and getting leave is not straight forward. His jobs are casual, he can pretty much come and go as he pleases.

If I didn't have the children I'd have gone over to see him years ago.

**Unicorn26** · May 14, 2015, 06:53 AM

Zephii I agree it is a positive thing, I know he's not in it to fleece me out of money. I'm sure it's just macho ness but it's so frustrating. I can't get him to see my point of view...

**Zephii** · May 14, 2015, 07:04 AM

Ah makes more sense.

I feel you, macho does my head in too. But don't set me off on another gender stereotypes rant or the other LFAD citizens might get sick of me and come after me with their pitchforks

I really hope you can get through to him when you have your talk!

**S41r4** · May 14, 2015, 07:58 AM

I know you haven't met yet, so maybe this doesn't completely apply but even though I have broken up with my girlfriend, when we were together it was never her money or my money it was ours.
can you suggest a way of him paying you back? Maybe $100 back to you each month? if he says no then Personally I would do some research on the cheapest ticket I could find and have that as a goal then together work out how you're getting there.

For example -
$1000 ticket
$100 each
so now you need $800 - then break down exactly how you're jointly going to get to 800. Whether that means one less take out meal a week or if either of you are smokers, one less pack a week, is there any money going to waste? unused gym memberships/ paying too much for cell phone plans/ insurance/ etc

I know that sounds tedious, but your argument would be, you won't let me pay for it, I can't keep hoping and waiting. I need a plan.

hope this helps x

**differentcountries** · May 14, 2015, 08:13 AM

SO didn't want to take my money for visit either. He was like sure, I will pay for my own flight, and hotel. Because he likes to be independant and the man and everything. But slowly it dawned upon him how expensive international actually is relative to his income, and agreed to let me buy him tickets and cover hotel. Like SO said, we are in love and then it is ok. We both do what we can, I often tell him so, it is none of our faults that I earn more than him and we pool in whatever resources we have, be it money or other things. But of course he insisted on paying visa and travel insurance himself, that way at least if anyone asks we sort of split the cost.

**R&R** · May 14, 2015, 08:17 AM

What is your custody schedule as far as the kids? Does he ever get to take them for a weeks vacation? Things must be different in the UK than the USA because no judge here would make you lose custody of your kids because you went on a trip. PLENTY of people do that and aren't losing custody of their kids. How come you would have to tell your ex you are going to meet your SO? It's none of his business. My daughters ex was obsessed over what I did after the divorce and he had to be set straight multiple times that what I did on my own time, away from the girls, did not pertain to him and he needed to back off.

**Unicorn26** · May 14, 2015, 08:31 AM

The kids live with me. Ex has them occasionally overnight at weekends. Ex knows I have a close friend in USA I met online but he doesn't know we are now romantically involved.

I am terrified of flying. Absolutely terrified. I would fly over tomorrow if I could though. My ex knows just how bad I am on a plane, he would know straight away that obviously this friendship has escalated. He makes my life very difficult sometimes, he's not accepted our break up very well and every time he has an episode it affects the children. My main priority is to them.

Yes our system is very different in UK. Divorces take much longer and are a lot more complex. Ours is still going through and he keeps holding things up. My ex is a very clever and manipulative man and I worry about what he might do. I do not trust him at all except with the children. For all his faults he was always a really good and loving daddy.

**p_b82** · May 14, 2015, 09:10 AM

Sorry to hear that - my ex was very proud, but only up to a point - and then was quite happy to swallow her pride and allowed me to pay for things for her. Although ironically she asked for the last 'gift' that cleared her debts completely; and then dumped me 3 weeks later....

Is meeting so important to you that it is make or break?

If yes, then I guess you should really tell him as much, and really let him know that while you understand him not wanting anything from you, the lack of visits when it could be otherwise is not what you want and is not making you happy.

If no, then I would suggest trying to lower the mental importance to the fact he can't visit 'soon' and try to focus on something else - as you are just getting wound up here.

I honestly do not think that your ex would be able to get custody if you were to take a holiday to see a friend - whether he is clever or manipulative or not. So if the visit is really important, and your BF still refuses to fly to you, then I say start to plan to go over there for a holiday - over summer maybe. if you have friends or other family they could go and visit your ex doesn't need to know you are flying; and even if you are honest and you tell him and ask him to take the kids for a week or two there is nothing he can actually do. If you are really worried about it, I presume this is going through a solicitor, then talk to them to find out the affects and the impact this might have on your case.

If they believe that you going over will cause you issues then it is a valid reason not to go, but if they don't then I say go to him if meeting is that important to you.

**whatruckus** · May 14, 2015, 09:28 AM

Originally posted by p_b82 View Post

Sorry to hear that - my ex was very proud, but only up to a point - and then was quite happy to swallow her pride and allowed me to pay for things for her. Although ironically she asked for the last 'gift' that cleared her debts completely; and then dumped me 3 weeks later....

Is meeting so important to you that it is make or break?

If yes, then I guess you should really tell him as much, and really let him know that while you understand him not wanting anything from you, the lack of visits when it could be otherwise is not what you want and is not making you happy.

If no, then I would suggest trying to lower the mental importance to the fact he can't visit 'soon' and try to focus on something else - as you are just getting wound up here.

I honestly do not think that your ex would be able to get custody if you were to take a holiday to see a friend - whether he is clever or manipulative or not. So if the visit is really important, and your BF still refuses to fly to you, then I say start to plan to go over there for a holiday - over summer maybe. if you have friends or other family they could go and visit your ex doesn't need to know you are flying; and even if you are honest and you tell him and ask him to take the kids for a week or two there is nothing he can actually do. If you are really worried about it, I presume this is going through a solicitor, then talk to them to find out the affects and the impact this might have on your case.

If they believe that you going over will cause you issues then it is a valid reason not to go, but if they don't then I say go to him if meeting is that important to you.

Very wise advice.

**Moon** · May 14, 2015, 10:03 AM

For me, this wouldn't be OK. I would not wait so long to meet anybody for the first time, life's too short for that kind of uncertainty. Gathering from how many miles away you are, he probably lives along the east coast, or close enough. Because of how many airports we have in the area and the heavy competition, you can find some very good flights between east coast airports and the UK. If it were me, I'd simply tell him that you have to meet now, and you're paying for it, or you can't continue on. Then go to sites like BookingBuddy, or AirfarewatchDog, or the UK equivalent, and set up price alerts. If you both can be flexible, and don't care if it's off-season, you can find a very affordable flight.

Don't waste your life waiting, 2.5 years can easily turn to 5, then what will you do?

Could it be that deep down, he's scared to meet? We've seen that happen to plenty of people here. Whatever you do, good luck, and just keep in mind that you can't get wasted time back again.

**Unicorn26** · May 14, 2015, 10:07 AM

It's not so much meeting soon as knowing it's definitely going to happen if that makes sense? I would and will wait if that's what it takes, it's just that it was something we used to discuss all the time, and now he doesn't and when I bring it up he seems to shut down.

The uncertainty is what I'm struggling to deal with.

He has just text me to say we will discuss it tomorrow as he has the afternoon off. He also assures me I'm not going to lose him and that he loves me very much.

I hope we can get through this with a solution we are both happy with. Our relationship is really strong and we love and cherish each other very much. It's just that you don't know for sure 100% until you've met in person and I guess I'm impatient for the plan for that to be in place. If he was to book a flight for 6 months time I'd be happy, I just need to know it's going to happen.

I will see how it goes tomorrow. If we are still no further forward I will speak to my solicitor next week and see what their opinion of the situation is. I'm hoping it won't come to that.

Thank you for all your comments and advice, especially you p_b82, your words are always so full of wisdom and you always seem so grounded. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my emotional post. It means a lot to me.

**Unicorn26** · May 14, 2015, 10:13 AM

Thank you Moon, your information re flight booking is very helpful.

He's in Chicago and I've heard it's cheaper to book from USA.

2.5 years is a long time to wait, we were on the verge of him booking a flight back in 2013 but he got very sick very suddenly and almost died. It was a horrendous time for us and it took him 18 months to recover enough to even think about travelling.

Hopefully I will get some answers tomorrow.

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