Dislike living in each others' cities, what to do?

[flugelhorn]

Hi everyone - thanks for your replies, hearing all your stories has been very interesting.

My SO and I have talked in circles for the past few days and I feel as if there isn't much more to say, and I think we have basically decided to end our relationship.

He's not willing to budge: he wants to go back to London, sometime in October or November this year. I've thought a lot about if I could go back with him but I don't want to go:
a) Back this year, as I have a family commitment (that's another story)
b) I'm also just not ready to go back as then I will have only spent a year here, and I want to stay a bit longer (I've tried to convince him to stay 2 years in my city but he doesn't want to, however....)
c) Part of me so desperately wants to move back - whenever I think about our future I always see it in the UK. However, I feel as if I am just convincing myself that is the "right thing to do" and it's not what I really want. When I lived in London before I had a good job and good friends but it wasn't enough, I was still so, so unhappy.
d) I don't want to go back to London, I'd rather go to a different city in the UK, and that's all my SO wants.

Ever since we've started talking in the open about him going back he's just been SO MUCH happier. The worst part is that as we were just talking about it, me telling him "he knows what he wants, I won't stand in the way" he just keeps nodding in agreement. I feel like he won't even try to stick up for our relationship. I've mentioned how when he talks about going back he never asks/ mentions me, rarely even says "we", and he says he does that as he "knows I won't be happy there." Maybe it's better this way, to think it's not my city, but rather it's me he's trying to get away from.

[MissButterfly]

I guess from what you have posted, ending it or at least strongly reconsidering might be the best in your situation. You matter too, and that thinking in terms of 'we' is actually a pretty big deal. You're in a relationship together, and if you are the only one doing all the compromising you are not going to end up happy. I've been there too, unfortunately. I can only judge from the things that you posted, but if he's really so self-centered as you make it sound then I don't think it is worth it for you. If you don't mind making the move to the UK, and doing the things that make him happy, there is no problem. But it really sounds like he does not put in the same level of commitment in terms of these big decisions.

[Irina_Linn]

Came here too late but still would like to add on it:
Sorry to hear that your relationship may end,but speaking offtop-it should all be about commitment of both people.Both should want to find ways,search for options and etc.From your post it really seemed like you were the only one who was doing some effort.I wish you luck in your future and please dont forget the community

[p_b82]

Sorry to hear that - it sucks and was something I was scared about should I have relocated to the US; from a fairly large city in the UK to rural US was going to be a bit of a culture shock for me, my only saving grace being a country boy that just ended up in a city rather than actually wanting to be here....

Hope you are able to work it out, but if not, it sounds like you two need to do the tough thing of walking away - who knows, you might find that he realises a mistake on leaving you and things change - so don't see it as completely doom and gloom just now - even tho it sounds like it might be wise to prepare for the worst at any rate

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Chris516 - Thanks for reply. Sorry to hear you hated living in London, despite that, I would encourage you to go back for a visit. As much as living in London wasn't for me, I still look forward to one day visiting again. Toronto definitely isn't a paradise by any stretch of the imagination, but I would encourage you to come visit in the summer months. You could even come to our baseball stadium, which sadly isn't called the SkyDome anymore. My boyfriend and I are staying together because there are a lot of things we love about each other that doesn't have to do with the so-called dumps we're from... but, as this thread indicates, we're thinking of maybe ending our relationship and going back to our respective dumps (as you call them) sooooooo I'll keep ya posted!

I just wanted to give you some props for this classy response to a not so classy post. I did slow claps in my head as I read it.

[flugelhorn]

Hi everyone,

Thanks once again for all your replies, this has been a very comforting space to come to these past few days.

On the same day as my last post, I was convinced it was over. Thus, I was going to go and break the news to my parents (no point in delaying it). But my SO said "if you tell them, that makes it final, and real." So, we sat down and tried to have a conversation about our future, and what to do - we tried to make a list of things we wanted - but it didn't really work.

However, some good things did come out of that conversation, and we've both been a lot happier these past few days. I feel more supported by my SO than before.

However, and I've said this to my SO, I think I am hoping one day he'll wake up and love Toronto, and he's hoping I'll wake up one day and say I want to move back to the UK. He just received confirmation that he can extend his Canadian work visa by one year and when he told me he was really excited about it, but when I asked "are you going to use it?" his response was vague.

So, really, we are going in circles! Right now, we're happy, and I think that counts for a lot, but equally, we have this looming over our heads. It's the elephant in the room.

MissingMyDutchLove - thank you.

[Dwessie]

I read the original post, but not the replies, apologies if I missed something.

You sound like a (not significantly) younger version of me.

Obi and I did roughly the same thing, and had the same issues. It didn't make sense to move to a third place because family and friends. But he was adamant he never wanted to permanently live in Sydney, and I tried to love Vancouver. But far out man. No.

Anyway, I can tell you about our solution. It's probably not viable for you, it's pretty rare in the LDR scheme of things were people are very much "someone has to move, the end" but here it is: We simply agreed to never settle...

This is what I feel like me and Tam wanna do, even though I haven't been up there yet (And everyone here hating on Canada is actually terrifying the crap out of me >< Haven't been yet!) Luckily we both like it here too, I just wanna be a dual-citizen so we can get all surgeries and stuff done there for cheaper. And their schools are better, which won't matter for a long while but will probably matter eventually.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

This is what I feel like me and Tam wanna do, even though I haven't been up there yet (And everyone here hating on Canada is actually terrifying the crap out of me >< Haven't been yet!) Luckily we both like it here too, I just wanna be a dual-citizen so we can get all surgeries and stuff done there for cheaper. And their schools are better, which won't matter for a long while but will probably matter eventually.

It may be really naive for me to say, but I think that Canada isn't that different from the US. You have your big cities and your tiny towns and everything in between (other than the French parts..those might be a tad bit different), but I think the proximity from the US to Canada is so close that you won't hate it and have that bad of culture shock or anything. More than that though, don't let these people freak you out!

[Dwessie]

It may be really naive for me to say, but I think that Canada isn't that different from the US. You have your big cities and your tiny towns and everything in between (other than the French parts..those might be a tad bit different), but I think the proximity from the US to Canada is so close that you won't hate it and have that bad of culture shock or anything. More than that though, don't let these people freak you out!

Thanks! That's what I was hoping! The only culture shock Tam had here was that our banks work differently and the public transit in my town is cheaper lol

[Zephii]

This is what I feel like me and Tam wanna do, even though I haven't been up there yet (And everyone here hating on Canada is actually terrifying the crap out of me >< Haven't been yet!) Luckily we both like it here too, I just wanna be a dual-citizen so we can get all surgeries and stuff done there for cheaper. And their schools are better, which won't matter for a long while but will probably matter eventually.

It's a really great experience to have a long stay in each other's countries and get a good feel for things anyway

I'm sorry to have scared you off a bit. There are plenty of good things about Canada, (I've only been in BC, mind) I'm just not sure any of them make up for the constant rain haha. Seriously though, the medical system is very nice, Tim Horton's makes the best donuts I've ever had, cost of living is amazingly low (compared to Sydney anyway!), the mountains are amazing, Whistler is to die for (go there!), it's multi-cultural, the government treats gay people decently (unlike my country, shame shame) and the chance of your kids getting shot while they are at school is quite a bit lower than in the US. Lots of good things!

It really depends on what you both want and need. But being nomadic is also pretty great