talking about finance (handling money)?

[Gingerlyme]

Hey guys,

my SO and i are a state away from each other now, i moved from Japan to Australia early this year and its been amazing since its now a 1hour flight instead of 12hours.

With closing the distance talks and moving in together comes handling finance and i know most couple have differences when it comes to money and its really really interesting.

Ours is the ever-so-common Saving money vs Living in the moment

Saving money
I love saving money and am always thinking of the rainy days. I'm always worried about finance and try to save as much as i can. I recently bought a townhouse in melbourne, paying mortgage and am paying rent in Sydney at the same time (mortgage and rent comes up to $3500 a month) and still have enough left for savings each month. I'm definitely the scrimper.

VS

Living in the moment
My boyfriend on the other hand lives in the moment, he spends every cent he earns. we are both mid 20's and are on the middle-high income bracket. He somehow manages to not have any savings He is paying off his car loan and considers that as savings. His philosophy: Saving is boring and paying off loans is all the savings he needs. he pays his car loans and helps pay for his mom's mortgage but other than that, he has no savings which to me is just "WOAH WHAT?"

How do you guys talk about money and how do people come to compromises?

I am trying to let loose a lot these days and taking his philosophy, i'm living in the moment a lot more these days and i do find it very freeing but i still hold true to my own finance style haha.
He is compromising with me by putting in money to a shared account every month (we both put equal amounts every month) and i found that a great compromise but i know he's doing it just for me and he wouldn't have otherwise.

[differentcountries]

It is just that... talking. Trying to make sense of the other person's world.

SO is rather frugal, as expected from a farmer's son who lived all his adult life on a small waiter's income.

I am not really a spendthrift, but I am accustomed to more luxury than he is. He sometimes think I waste money on taxis or buying stuff. At the same time, when I was 22 I bought a flat I just soldand made money from, which made sure I could pay a lot of debt and invest in my new flat. And I manage to visit him every month because I hardly buy clothes or go out.

Just talking to each other and finding practical solutions will help.

[snow]

I think the best strategy is to have a mix of both. If you never splurge on anything, you're missing out on a lot of things, but spending your money on anything you want in the moment will hinder you getting bigger things in the future!

We put money into the bank every week consistently, but we also splurge when we go out or when there is a party we're invited to and this way our savings are growing, but we're also enjoying life. Best example is this week - we have been eating in all week because we are going on a trip to NY for 2 days and will spend money when we're there (apparently we're also gonna get really drunk, but we'll see about that lol).

[SailorRei]

Gingerlyme, I'm definitely your type and my bf just doesn't care about money. Me as student try to save whatever I can, knowing that in 2 years I'll have to pay back student loans. My bf on the other hand says that money is always to come by and while saving might be a good idea- he would rather spend it on going out with friends.

That actually makes me quite uncomfortable when I visit. He is used to spend lots of money on take outs, while I almost never eat out. So when we are together he still likes to go out all the time. He doesn't mind paying for me all the time, but I do mind. I feel terrible if he pays for everything, when I know that I actually have money in savings. So I try to pay for both of us sometimes, but then I feel bad about spending my savings
I tried to talk with him about it, but he simply doesn't get the idea that you can save money on food.
I am the scrimper and money is very important to me, and talking about this with my bf doesn't come easy to me. It's like I'm ashamed of being so sparing (thanks to my mum who always told me that I'm too materialistic and sparing), that I'm afraid to talk about it.

[Ella85]

I've always been really good with money and a saver, but my ex put me in a lot of debt. I am still really good at saving but I have debt repayments to make every month. But my SO just likes to spend what he earns (he works hard for it so he should spend it). He doesn't however live outside his means.
Whenever we discuss money he said I can make a budget plan and he will look over it and stick to it. Honestly we actually have the same spending styles, but because most of my finances are going toward trips I am extremely frugal and save every last penny I can get my hands on. Where as my boyfriend just paid out for a new place for us and is moving soon. I don't see our spending styles an issue as long as we can discuss it together.

[lucybelle]

My SO and I are both tight asses when it comes to money and I'm glad. We ask permission before buying "expensive" items ($50+) and it works well for us.

Saving some money is important. Some couples never merge finances, some pay bills based off percentage of income, etc. there's lots of options out there. As long as you all are comfortable with what is spent and responsible then you'll be fine.

[Miasmata]

My SO is a bit anxious and messy with his money, and keeping track of things stresses him out since he tends to think he doesn't have enough. I'm a planner and I like keeping tabs on everything, having a budget, etc. - I'm helping him learn keep track of his money and seeing that knowing what you got relieves the stress somewhat. We're currently in the process of getting a joint account and using that to set up our finances. We will handle most things in the joint account, and keep our private accounts for personal stuff. Money can be a big stress factor, and being on the same page about it is incredibly important. You'll want to be safe and in the know about everything. What works for one person might be insulting or inappropriate for another. My SO, for example, is gonna get some of the money send to his private account every month. He has access to both the joint account and his private one, so it's not like he's being kept from his paycheck, but the private money is there so he can learn to budget without feeling like he'd mess up our finances. It's an allowance of sorts, and money he doesn't need to answer me for, unlike the joint account which is always 100% communicated between us. This is what works for us, but you can only figure out what works for your relationship if you discuss it. Best of luck!

[differentcountries]

SO and I have set up our current economy so that I am responsible for paying rent and gardener fee, he will pay internet and the electrical bill. We are each responsible for our loans. I pay most travel expenses. We share expenses with food, cat and going out but I pay more. The reason for this set up is that I earn way more than he does.

With my husband, the deal is that I pay for everything related to my boyfriend and I. But husband has chipped in at times, like when my boyfriend visited he payed half of hotel and food. The deal is he can visit/join me to Turkey any time he wants to.Otherwise the deal with my husband is that we pay common bills 50/50 and otherwise have our own money, but we discuss bigger purchases like clothes, attending a festival etc. Right now, we have a project on how to be more stingy. We turned our whole economy around with selling and buying flats and erased debt. If we should be able to afford kids we need to save up for it. But we still need some money for dates and to do nice things together.

[Gingerlyme]

Its pretty cool to see how everyone handle finances differently.

I shall say that it surprises me that some of you have boyfriends who are the "savers" in the relationship.

though i dont know if it's a compromise that couples come to or more so trying to show the other party "how our finances were handled growing up and how its always been".
When i hear from my boyfriend how he has been handling his money his whole life, i feel like its way too different from how i grew up and we'll never see 100% on each other's "style"
but certainly we can try to understand.

[itsjen516]

You need to talk to him about savings. Tell him you can't just spent all the money you got. Like maybe take 1/2 of it save and use the other on stuff you actually need to pay off and use a little to enjoy your self.
In your mid 20s and saying it's boring to save that's pretty immature tbh :-/. He needs to see the future. When you get a house and have kids and need more then one car.

[R&R]

I am the saver and more responsible one with money. SO used to be in a place where money was no object (years prior to me) and so could spend without worry. His situation has changed and unfortunately, his mindset is still somewhat in the past.

We have discussed what will happen when we live together and I will be taking over the finances for us personally and his business. This will be helpful not only in keeping us within budget but to also start putting money away for him too.

[snow]

Its pretty cool to see how everyone handle finances differently.

I shall say that it surprises me that some of you have boyfriends who are the "savers" in the relationship.

though i dont know if it's a compromise that couples come to or more so trying to show the other party "how our finances were handled growing up and how its always been".
When i hear from my boyfriend how he has been handling his money his whole life, i feel like its way too different from how i grew up and we'll never see 100% on each other's "style"
but certainly we can try to understand.

And you don't need to see 100% on each other's style as long as you are both comfortable with where the money goes! If you both decided to put all your money into one joint account and he would spend all of it, that'd probably cause issues between you two. So maybe for the both of you having separate accounts might be the best solution, maybe you can arrange a 50/50 set up or something like that. You will need to talk about it and see what you feel most comfortable with.

I always wanted to keep our money together and then have a limit we can both spend without telling the other person per week (we set it to $20), if it's above we need to ask the other person if it's in the budget for the week and if it's not, we simply don't buy it :P

[SailorRei]

Personally I'd prefer to have separate accounts. You can always make an agreement who pays rent, bills, food etc. so it's fair to both of you, and set up a saving account where you both can transfer some money weekly or monthly. But as far as the normal spending, your personal stuff- I'd definitely prefer to spend my own money instead of "our" money.

[Kapwned]

Well sometimes when it comes to couples it's not always 50/50. It sounds like it might be best for the two of you to maintain separate bank accounts and to clearly distribute who covers what. I personally have never lived with a SO and thus I haven't been in this situation.

But growing up, my mom was always the saver and my dad was the spender. My dad has basically relinquished control of the important finances to my mom. She decides how much they have for leisure spending, savings, and bills. And yes, she even puts his money into account. She knows how much he makes and when times are tough she budgets based off of what he potentially has as well. My mom is REALLY controlling of the finances. My dad doesn't even know how much they have in savings because my mom won't tell him because she knows he may relax a bit and try to convince her to dip into them if money becomes tight. They also maintain separate bank accounts. Her money is for savings and bills, a little bit of leisure. His is purely for leisure and bills when she needs help (because again, she doesn't like to dip into savings no matter what). They still view each other's money as both of their money. It's just two separate accounts with two separate purposes. So they never run into issues of "This is MY money, you can't tell me what to do with it!"

I will also add that my parents are low income so they need to be careful with money.

If you and your SO are living comfortably, just set yourself a minimum of how much you feel you should keep in your savings and don't be afraid to pull a little out as long as you don't dip into that minimum. Money can't bring you happiness, but it can help create memories and fun times. Maybe my parents arrangement is best for you. Your income is for bills and savings, and a little leisure, and his could be for leisure and picking up slack with bills.

[Gingerlyme]

You need to talk to him about savings. Tell him you can't just spent all the money you got. Like maybe take 1/2 of it save and use the other on stuff you actually need to pay off and use a little to enjoy your self.
In your mid 20s and saying it's boring to save that's pretty immature tbh :-/. He needs to see the future. When you get a house and have kids and need more then one car.

exactly this. he can't see it the way I do but thankfully agrees that he will start saving and look into his expenses alot more. phew