Emotional Detachment

[twentynine11]

I have previously posted a thread about how I felt like like an emotional over thinker.
I took advice from several of you and have come a long way. However, I still fall into the trap of letting my emotions control me and analyzing situations.

Emotions are tied to a lot of hurt and pain daily for me. I understand anger, sadness, happiness are all emotions. I feel anxiety and sadness the most.
Here lately, I have been telling myself that my long distance boyfriend doesn't love, care, miss, or think about me. I understand this is not the healthiest of techniques. I think this is an attempt for me to become emotionally detached from him. I used to feel like I could cry in front of him and that he really cared. I could cry and express myself in that way and he made me feel secure, safe, and protected. I felt like it was ok to cry in front of him.
Now, I feel like my tears don't mean anything to him. Maybe I have cried so much to him that he just sees it as second nature for me. I cried around him the other day out of frustration with something that had to do with me personally. I went to the rest room to suck it up and stop it because I now feel weak, burdensome, and foolish when I cry around him. I do not feel that secure protection from him anymore.
With that being said, I am trying to detach myself from him emotionally. Saying this out loud, it sounds stupid. However, I'm not sure how to become less emotional besides disconnecting from what makes me emotional. What makes me emotional is the constant thoughts of him, missing him, wondering if he misses, loves, cares, or thinks about me.
Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say? Have any advice?

[Ella85]

I'm not sure that is a healthy way of dealing with it. It could end up in essence ruining the relationship you have with him. I'm not sure I have any good advice for this but if he didn't love or care about you and miss you do you think he would stay around?

[twentynine11]

I'm not sure when I became so insecure, in myself and this relationship.
My boyfriend is not an emotional person. He doesn't like to talk about emotions or feelings. This is the initial reason that I try to disconnect from him emotionally. I say this carefully, but I feel like it is a privilege in a relationship to know someone that you love in this way. I don't think he thinks that way, it is a burden for him to know me in that way. This is reason #1 that I want the detachment.
Reason #2 is because lately I feel pain from missing him, insecurities in the relationship, etc. In my mind, I think that if I disconnect myself emotionally from what causes me pain, the emotions will go away.

I agree that it isn't healthy. I'm just not sure what the right way to handle the situation is.

I can't deny that you are right, Ella85. If he didn't love or care about me, he wouldn't be in this relationship. For some reason though, I will tell myself that he is only with me because it is easier than breaking up with me, not because he wants to be. I too can see that this is a stupid stupid thought.

[Miasmata]

If you struggle with this kind of thinking a lot, and you don't think you can deal with it alone, there would be no shame in speaking to a professional counselor or therapist about it. It's pretty worrisome that you have these selfdeprecating thoughts, and when that becomes a pattern, it can really get tough. Don't be scared to reach out and talk to someone, and if it's just for a short while. You don't have to be alone with these thoughts.

[Ella85]

The thing is I think you are looking too deeply into things. Unless you're boyfriend is treating you terribly and has been incredibly un-supportive. You are over thinking things and it isn't going to help you emotionally. You are going to work yourself into a state and then you will end up crying over it. Honestly I think you have a lot of issues that are quite probably from a past relationship and that it may be worth you seeing a therapist as Miasmata has said. I would lean more toward a behavioral therapy rather than just a councilor. Because you just talk to those where as a behavioral therapy can give you cognitive therapy that can actually help. I've already messaged you my skype ID before so if you ever need me you know where I am. I am not a councilor or therapist but you are always welcome to message me when you get down. I am ahead of the US in time but I will always reply when I get back to it, or even pm on here. I log in every day.

[twentynine11]

Miasmata,
I am so happy you said all of that. You are so spot on.
I actually have an appointment with a counselor at my primary doctor's office on Thursday. When I expressed my anxieties to my doctor last week, she suggested a counselor. She wants me to talk to the counselor there to see if medication may be a good option for me. I have talked to a Christian counselor at my church. It was good to talk to someone and he had good advice. However, it got to the point where things were repetitive and his advice was quoted. If that makes any sense.
I am going to try out this counselor at my doctor's office. I'm not exactly excited about medication possibly being an option, but at this point, I will take whatever help I can get.

[twentynine11]

Ella85,
Again, spot on! I want more than anything to be able to just relax in the relationship and enjoy the life I have! There is so much to be grateful for. My boyfriend doesn't treat me terribly and isn't incredibly un-supportive. He is amazing... I mean, I am in love with him after all.
I am hoping that my doctor visit tomorrow will be helpful. I do not want to jump into medication, but I am not totally against it. I am hoping that they can really help me get down to the problem. Emotions are triggered by hormones and chemical imbalances, I am not too prideful to admit that that might be the problem. I would actually feel more like a normal person if that were the case. lol
You mentioned past relationships... I was married for 5 years in a marriage where someone told me that my tears meant nothing to him (I was pregnant at the time). I worry that my current boyfriend has adopted this thought too.
I wasn't appreciated in my past relationships. I wasn't cherished, adored, or really loved unselfishly. I fear that my boyfriend doesn't cherish or adore me.
A lot of these feelings started when he broke up with me back in April. He said it was because of the pressure he was feeling from school, work, and me. I was jealous about every little thing and nagged him all the time. I realize that he was right and have made changed for the better for him, and more importantly, for myself. However, when he broke up with me or "took a break" (whatever you want to call it), I felt like it was easy for him to just push me away. I fear that he will do that again because he doesn't see the value of having me in his life.

*When I go back and read some of the things I say, I sound more like a 19 year old than a 27 year old. What is wrong with me? lol

[Miasmata]

Miasmata,
I am so happy you said all of that. You are so spot on.
I actually have an appointment with a counselor at my primary doctor's office on Thursday. When I expressed my anxieties to my doctor last week, she suggested a counselor. She wants me to talk to the counselor there to see if medication may be a good option for me. I have talked to a Christian counselor at my church. It was good to talk to someone and he had good advice. However, it got to the point where things were repetitive and his advice was quoted. If that makes any sense.
I am going to try out this counselor at my doctor's office. I'm not exactly excited about medication possibly being an option, but at this point, I will take whatever help I can get.

Medication isn't fun, and it can take trying a few different meds until you find the right one, but it's worth giving that honest shot. The medication is there to get you to a point where your thoughts are clearer and not constantly bogged down by anxiety, and you can actually focus on taking care of yourself and your relationships. Definitely combine it with proper counseling whenever possible, since medication doesn't replace healthy talks and changes in your life. I'm rooting for you to find the right way for yourself to deal with this stuff

[differentcountries]

I fear that my boyfriend doesn't cherish or adore me.
A lot of these feelings started when he broke up with me back in April. He said it was because of the pressure he was feeling from school, work, and me. I was jealous about every little thing and nagged him all the time. I realize that he was right and have made changed for the better for him, and more importantly, for myself. However, when he broke up with me or "took a break" (whatever you want to call it), I felt like it was easy for him to just push me away. I fear that he will do that again because he doesn't see the value of having me in his life.

*When I go back and read some of the things I say, I sound more like a 19 year old than a 27 year old. What is wrong with me? lol

That is so cute that you should take things ten years back.....

Anyway, the past is the past but it can still hurt. Some of it may be bad experience with other men. There is little he can do about your past with them. Perhaps some of it is him and your previous break-up just a couple of months back. Perhaps too your different styles of communication leads you to think that he cares less, even if you yourself admit that your personality and your common relationship communication style (you pushing too close, him pushing away) was not working.

We have never broken up, but there has been some doubhts in our relationship and every little doubt of his felt like a knife in my flesh. I did however come to realize that none of his doubts had anything to do with weather or not he loved me, or cared for me, or valued me in his life. It was all "relationship stress", inw he was considering if he could deal with various preassure that he felt. I have cried in front of him and it was very much a process of adjustment for him to be comfortable seeing me all torn up, and also being comfortable getting worked up (I am the only one who make him mad, which I think is a good thing). I hope you will be able to find a level of trust and safety in your relationship, too.

[twentynine11]

Thank you so much. You guys have helped me feel a little more "normal", whatever normal is. lol

Side Note: While I'm having this conversation with you all and talking about fears that he doesn't love me.... He posted a woman crush wednesday status on facebook about me! What man is going to do that if he isn't thinking about you?

[twentynine11]

I saw the counselor this morning. He didn't recommend medication as my first option. He wants to work with me on behavior health. He sounded very knowledgeable and helpful. I am going to continue seeing him so he can help me work out some of my negative thinking and insecurities. I feel hopeful!!

[hmrambling]

I could cry and express myself in that way and he made me feel secure, safe, and protected.

What makes me emotional is the constant thoughts of him, missing him, wondering if he misses, loves, cares, or thinks about me.

How does another human being make you feel secure, safe, and protected? Do you feel secure, safe, and protected on your own? Or do you need someone to "make you" feel secure, safe, and protected?

Constant thoughts of him, missing him, wondering if he misses, loves, cares, or thinks about you make you emotional. Do you know that you are giving a lot of power to whether he cares or not? We have to be so very careful about those things and people we give our power to. Is he not communicating with you that he loves you or cares for you? If not, there might be a lot of food for thought. I mean, I would be in a bad place if I was giving so much power to someone who didn't share that he/she cared about me.

This is your stuff. If you need a partner who shares how he feels, tell him.

1. Close your mouth
2. Breathe
3. Ask for the things you need and want
4. Appreciate the NOs
5. When you get a no, you might be asking the wrong person OR it might be something you need to take care of yourself (ie develop a life, practice hobbies, hang out with friends, don't rely solely on him to fulfill all of your needs)

[twentynine11]

hmrambling,
Insecurity is the only thing that comes to mind.
You are completely right!