Red flag... Worried.

[c_denise3]

Him: "So I'd like for you to meet my sister.. She's honest with me and I value her opinion. She was spot on about my ex and it'll save us the heart ache."
Me: "So, you're going to let your sisters opinion make or break our relationship?"
Him: "Not necessarily make or break it. I'll just take her opinion into high consideration."
Me: "Honestly, the only opinions that matter are ours."
Him: "That's true, but I want full acceptance from my family. I'm thinking of long term ramifications."

This all happened this morning. What am I supposed to do about this? He doesn't even have a good relationship with his sister, yet is rekindling it. I'm upset that he feels as though she has to approve of me in order to protect himself from heartache again. I killed the conversation, but I'm not letting this go. I told him that this conversation would be better in person or via Skype. Please help me ladies...

[SailorRei]

I get that family is important, but he he's not going to spend the rest of his live with his sister! This also puts a lot of pressure on you- you are probably going to be so stressed before meeting with her.
I'd say that it's weird for a grown up man to let his sister decide his relationship, but then- if he'll leave you because his sis told him so: he'll make you a favour.
It's nice when your family supports your choice, but it's not the most important opinion.

[twentynine11]

If it were me...
I would probably go and show his sister the best possible "me" that I could. In the end, if she doesn't like me... ok. If she does like me... ok. His opinion should not be swayed either way. If he really wants a relationship with you, he will make it work regardless of outside opinions. Family is important, but their opinions are not always important. If he chooses to end things with you because she meets you once and formed an opinion, I'm sorry to be blunt and I know it would hurt me, but I don't think he is for you.
Be the best you that you can. Be confident! Be yourself! Know that no matter what happens, you will be just fine!

[snow_girl]

Oh hell noo! If my SO ever ever ever dared say anything like that to me, he'd be gone.

[Ejoriah]

Eh. My SO wanted me to meet his mother pretty early on for similar reasons. I just went along with it, thinking that if he let his family dictate our relationship I would bail out. Turns out that I'm the first female he's brought home that his parents actually like, and our relationship is better for it.

[differentcountries]

My SO is from Turkey... to Turks, family is often everything, and even if he is a rather independent person, he feels strongly about his family. I know if his family did not like me, I would be out of his life. I guess that is part of the reason invited me to meet his family so soon, too. His relationship with his friends are similar, although to a lesser extent. No, he didn't say any of these things, he didn't have to and he is far too polite to ever phraze things like your SO. But for sure, if his friends and family didn't like me, our life would be very difficult. I hope to God he would choose me anyway, but also I don't want to be everything to a man who has chosen me over his family - I would walk a thousand miles to prevent that from happening.

If it is true that your SO doesn't have a good relationship with his sister, perhaps it has something to do with the breakup in the past. While they don't always get along, he still values his sister because she is (brutally) honest. Also, meeting her would be a test of "how to meet difficult family" - so it would be him testing you too, not just her. Your SO seems scared that you will be like his ex in some bad way. I suggest you find out more about this ex that you don't want to resemble, so you know what to not do. And also...find out what his family is like. It never hurts to be prepared.

And yes; do have the more important conversations with him on phone or Skype - text is totally unsuited for that.

[Elizabeth123]

Past relationships can leave scars...the pain is dealt with in many ways.
Sometimes a person thinks.."if I had listened to (fill in blank) that would have never happened to me.."
My husband was having strong feeling for me but before he could admit them to himself I had to meet a couple of his very close friends.
Then our relationship started to deepen as he realized his past was just that...in the past.
Definitely communicate your concerns and listen to his also....best wishes.

[c_denise3]

I'm just upset that he feels he needs to have her approval. He doesn't have a great relationship with her and she is his younger sister. I've been so upset all day because of this. I just don't understand how a third party opinion will decide the next step he takes with me.

I talked to him about it a little this evening. He said that I overanalyzed what he said and that I should feel more secure with him. I am secure in my relationship, it's just how he made it seem. I don't know what to think. I won't see him actually IN PERSON until 4th of July weekend. I'm hoping to Skype with him tonight.

[snow]

Family is hella important as are friends. I wouldn't let my family decide whether or not I stay with my man, but I will definitely hear their opinion. Family and close friends are the ones who will tell you what you don't see about your SO, because love makes blind. My mom was spot on about my ex, but I ignored it because I didn't see it. Had I listened, I would have saved myself 3 years of abuse, but I thought I knew better and after it was over, all my "friends" told me that they knew he wasn't good for me. I wish they told me before.

As I said, I wouldn't let it make or break the relationship, but having an outside opinion on a matter never hurts.

[c_denise3]

Thank you ladies!

We Skyped last night and he clarified what he was trying to say. My SO had been married before. He was 18, in love, and the marriage didn't last. His sister knew something wasn't right about her and he wished he would've listened. He basically told me that he wants her to point out anything he and I may be oblivious to since we are still so fresh into our relationship.

He didn't say that he would break up with me if she had a negative opinion. He said that we would fix whatever possibly needed to be fixed before anything became too much of it. The only thing that kind of pissed me off was when he said that her opinion was the only female opinion that mattered. I know she knows him better than me, but still. Ouch. I know that will change though as our relationship grows.

Granted, I'm still not thrilled that he's seeking her approval and he knows that, but if it makes him happy, I can sacrifice that. I just told him that I hope seeking her approval won't become a habit, like if we were to get married, that she would have a say in our decisions. He said absolutely not and I certainly wouldn't tolerate that.

Overall, we talked, I cried, he explained and we worked through it.

[whatruckus]

I still don't think it's that much of a great idea. Yes, she can have opinions and whatnot, and he can choose to listen to them or not, but if she ends up not liking you for whatever reason, she'll make it every point to say something to him. Just because she may have been right about his ex, doesn't mean that she's going to be right again. And, if her opinion is the only one that matters, that's not good either.

[c_denise3]

I completely agree. I honestly have no idea when this meeting is even going to happen. I still find it rather ridiculous that he needs some kind of approval from her. Yes, I understand his past situation, but clearly his ex and I are two completely different people. He constantly tells me how much of a relief it is that I'm nothing like her. I can understand the whole he and I being blinded by love to not see what others may see, if there is even anything to see. I think our relationship is healthy, we're not completely obsessed with each other. We care for one another and are very affectionate. Neither he nor I have to pretend to be someone we're not. Our comfortability level is crazy, like I've never felt more comfortable with someone in my entire life.

He told me last night that meeting his sister should've happened prior to him coming on my family vacation with me last week. He pretty much said that he wants the family dynamic to get along. His ex kept him to herself and didn't involve herself with his family. He knows that I'm a VERY family oriented person and would not keep him from his family. He knows all of this, yet still needs sissy to give some evaluation. I told him last night, "it just seems like you can't make the choice on your own," and he said, "I can, and I have. I love you and I'm thinking long term with you, I just want to see what my sister thinks of you."

Okay, whatever.

[whatruckus]

Yea, I would feel the same. I can sort of see where he's coming from. But, man, that's a poor choice of words.

Instead of saying, "I just want to see what my sister thinks of you," he should've said, "I just want my family to like you, and there not be problems like what happened with my ex." That's what I said to my SO. My family was worried that he was going to be like my ex, and I told him that I just wanted them to like him is all. Not, "I want to see what they think of you." I feel like that still implies that her opinion matters heavily on your relationship.

[c_denise3]

When we were talking last night, I even told him that he made it sound horrible. I got upset and he understood how I was reading into it, but reassured me that it wasn't how I was imagining it. Ultimately, he just wants his family to love me as much as he does. He compared it to "having a new toy and wanting everyone to admire it." As I said, he didn't say he would break up with me if she didn't like me. I don't think her opinion will weigh THAT much, but he will value it. I'm just hoping that everything will go smoothly, she actually talks with me unlike her mom did, and wants to get to know me better.

He even said last night that me meeting his sister will show her that he cares about her opinion and ultimately strengthen their relationship. Ugh.

[Elizabeth123]

You took an important step...you are communicating with him....well done!
This is about him and HIS perceptions...working through this will strengthen your relationship.
He used a poor choice of words but it seems like he's making an effort to be your SO