Dating someone whose last, serious partner died.

[Aussieabroad]

So after 11 months of long distance, I moved to California for my boyfriend. We have now been together for almost 13 months and I am a foreigner struggling to get another sponsor Visa with a job. (I was sponsored in New York but got laid off from my job, so I moved here to close the distance as a result).

5 years ago, my boyfriend’s partner of 4 years passed away unexpectedly. He would refer to her as his soul mate and wanted to marry her. They were a match made in heaven. I was his first proper girlfriend to follow her. He didn’t feel ready for a relationship prior to meeting me.

At the beginning of our relationship, he would talk about her. A lot. I felt like a complete asshole, but I had to ask him to ease up on the topic. As much as I tried to empathise with his traumatic past, I was getting seriously hurt in feeling like I had to measure up to someone who will always be remembered as the one.

Despite such occurrence, I never felt insecure about their past relationship until I moved in with him. Now I can’t help but feel like I am his silver medal. His consolation prize for the one he truly wanted to me with. I am the flawed, neurotic foreigner who is living and breathing right next to him. And she is the girl from his past on a pedestal that he will always love forever.

I never picked up on how closed off my partner was emotionally, until I moved here. He was open, warm and kind when I lived in New York. But now he continuously picks on my character and makes me feel helpless and alone. He used to tell me how he always bought presents and did small romantic gestures for his previous girlfriend. However on our one year anniversary, he couldn’t even be bothered to buy me flowers. But believe me, I’m no helpless housewife from the 1950s who expects without giving. Ever since we started dating, I would always mail him random little gifts and even brought him back some gifts from my recent trip out of town. I made it no secret that I love gift exchanges and little, thoughtful gestures. But he just doesn’t seem to care enough to reciprocate. At this point, I’m starting to feel like I’m just a warm body to stave off his loneliness.

Furthermore, I have been doing all I can to stay in this country for the sake of keeping my relationship afloat. Whereas my partner has yet to do anything to help. If roles were reversed, I would be getting hitched if it meant keeping the one next to me. Even if it was a tad premature. In fact, I have spent thousands of dollars in the past flying out to see him. And spent thousands just to be here, sitting in his empty house right now. Today I had a job offer retracted, coz the US immigration's Visa system went down temporarily, and my company did not want to deal with the delay in having the Visa issued. So I have very little time left until I have to leave the US for good.

We have been together for 13 months and he still can’t bring himself to tell me he loves me. And to be honest, I’m not even sure if there is room left in his heart for me.

Does anyone have experience in dating someone whose partner before them passed away?

[whatruckus]

I haven't, but I do understand how you feel. My SO used to buy his ex gifts, and was super affectionate and whatnot. He was also engaged to her at one point. He used to talk about her a lot too, but unlike you, I didn't say anything to him about it.

I think what you need to do is have a serious talk to him about all of this, and how you feel, and how he's been making you feel. If he gets angry, or seems nonchalant about it (as if he doesn't care), then I feel this relationship might be over and you need to move on. It seems like he's still hung up on her. Which, I wouldn't necessarily blame him for, but if he wasn't ready for another one, he shouldn't have started it with you and allowed you to move to him.

[Aussieabroad]

If it's any consolation prize, the day after our anniversary I said how hurt my feelings were that he didn't buy me flowers on our anniversary especially considering what he told me about his past. He apologized a thousand times and said it would never happen again and he felt like a complete dick. I don't think he means it maliciously, I just don't think he likes me enough to be considerate in that way. :\

[whatruckus]

I understand. My SO's reason is because going to war changed him, which is completely understandable. And, he told me that I should be expecting things like that, to be spoiled, and that he should be doing those kinds of things. It's not that he doesn't care about me that way, it's just something switched in his mind that he just doesn't think about it.

Maybe this is what happened to your SO. The PTSD of losing her, just caused him to not think about it. Maybe it hurts too much? I'm not trying to make excuses, but this is a very real possibility.

[Petals]

What does he say about the fact that you might have to come back to Australia? What is his plan of action regarding your relationship? How will the distance end? Is he open to moving to Australia?

Also, if he can't tell you that he loves you, how can you expect him to be ready for marriage? You might very well be right that he's not emotionally available.

[snow_girl]

Can you stay in the relationship knowing you'll never have been his first choice? Chances are he's never going to forget her and always have her on this pedestal and thoughts of what could have been. I have a hard enough time with my SO being friends with his ex, nevermind him losing a girl he wanted to be with forever.

[Zapookie]

From this thread to your last one, it seems that moving in together has opened up your eyes to who he is. This is why its a good idea for couples to co-habitate before marrying. You really don't know a person until you share a space with them 24/7. Have you both talked about what your plan of action will be once you head back to Oz? Is he willing to visit you for an extended period of time in Oz? Also, have you spoken to him about seeing a therapist regarding your last post (where it was alluded that he may be suffering depression)?

You guys really need to sit down and hash out the issues you're having, as well as discussing a plan. Talk about it. If he doesn't want to talk about anything, there isn't really much you can do. A relationship is give and take.

[lucybelle]

I don't feel like I'm qualified enough to give you advice. I'd like to say "get out of that relationship" but I have no idea what that kind of situation is like.

Instead, I think you should seek out a grief survivor group forum and ask them what you should do. Losing a partner unexpectedly is incredibly difficult.

I hope you find some advice.

[differentcountries]

Competing with someone who died and is "forever perfect" is never easy. I feel this somewhat in SO' life even if it was "just" his sister who died three years ago.

You have dated him a year, they dated four years. Do you know any details on how long it took him to say I love you to her, start the gift giving and so on? During the first year a lot of people are insecure no matter how their backround. I got nothing from my SO on our one year aniversery, which was ok although I expect things to change for our second one coming up.

Could you perhaps be a little more spesific on what you want your partner to do to help you get a job?

I am also unsure of what you expect him to do about you visa. Even if he would want to marry you on the spot, I don't think he is allowed on your curret visa. from what I hear, the visa process to marry is a long one. If things are not workig out so well for you guys living together, it is a big chance to take to decide to marry internationally.

[Aussieabroad]

Competing with someone who died and is "forever perfect" is never easy. I feel this somewhat in SO' life even if it was "just" his sister who died three years ago.

You have dated him a year, they dated four years. Do you know any details on how long it took him to say I love you to her, start the gift giving and so on? During the first year a lot of people are insecure no matter how their backround. I got nothing from my SO on our one year aniversery, which was ok although I expect things to change for our second one coming up.

Could you perhaps be a little more spesific on what you want your partner to do to help you get a job?

I am also unsure of what you expect him to do about you visa. Even if he would want to marry you on the spot, I don't think he is allowed on your curret visa. from what I hear, the visa process to marry is a long one. If things are not workig out so well for you guys living together, it is a big chance to take to decide to marry internationally.

So I am currently on a Visa Waiver (ESTA). I was on an E3 Visa prior to losing my job in New York. If we got married, we would begin the Green Card application process. Sure, it's a lot of hoops to jump through. But the hoops I have been jumping through to stay here have been just the same.

He also said one of his clients may be looking for someone in their Ad department. I asked him twice about it and he just never followed through.

The thing is, he has absolutely no intention of moving to Australia. At all. If I go home, it's for good. He seems to expect me to go home for a year and come back again on a Visa Waiver (to avoid suspicion from immigration that I'm trying to move here. If you do a VW too many times, they are likely to deny entry). He seems to think it's ok for me to uproot my entire life multiple times, but he just will not do anything to keep us afloat.

[differentcountries]

He seems to expect me to go home for a year and come back again on a Visa Waiver (to avoid suspicion from immigration that I'm trying to move here. If you do a VW too many times, they are likely to deny entry). He seems to think it's ok for me to uproot my entire life multiple times, but he just will not do anything to keep us afloat.

If you are not comfortable moving back and forth, and want to move only either for a permanent job or a marriage, then tell him.

[Redheart14]

Maybe you going back will be what you both need. One person can't be doing all the work. Maybe this will be what he needs to open his eyes up to things. It might show you how much he wants or doesn't want this based on his reaction once you leave.

[Ejoriah]

This thread breaks my heart. 13 months and he can't say he loves you while expecting you to uproot your life for him. You said you don't think he likes you enough to be considerate.

Can I ask what you are getting out of this relationship? I know that you asked advice about dealing with someone whose past partner died, but I think at this point it may go beyond that.

[Zapookie]

The thing is, he has absolutely no intention of moving to Australia. At all. If I go home, it's for good. He seems to expect me to go home for a year and come back again on a Visa Waiver (to avoid suspicion from immigration that I'm trying to move here. If you do a VW too many times, they are likely to deny entry). He seems to think it's ok for me to uproot my entire life multiple times, but he just will not do anything to keep us afloat.

Doesn't that tell you all you need to know? He can't be effed to do anything for you. You are not a priority to him, and neither is your relationship. It's only been 13 months, better to get out now than waste another 13 months on someone who doesn't give a damn. If he is still dealing with his own issues, he might need to deal with them alone until he is a whole enough person to share himself within a relationship. He doesn't have a right to drag you down with him.

[Petals]

He also said one of his clients may be looking for someone in their Ad department. I asked him twice about it and he just never followed through.

The thing is, he has absolutely no intention of moving to Australia. At all. If I go home, it's for good. He seems to expect me to go home for a year and come back again on a Visa Waiver (to avoid suspicion from immigration that I'm trying to move here. If you do a VW too many times, they are likely to deny entry). He seems to think it's ok for me to uproot my entire life multiple times, but he just will not do anything to keep us afloat.

You have your answer right here! He does not want/is not ready for the level of commitment that closing the distance requires and/or he cannot give you the type of commitment/relationship that you want.


At this point, you should do what is best for you. If staying in the USA is beneficial to you then try to do that, otherwise comeback to Oz and give yourself some stability.

Stop trying to force the progress of the relationship...IF he really wants you, he will do everything possible to be with you!