Does it really matter who visits first?

[TheSteelAngel]

I saw my big brother and his in laws today, and they all found out about my SO. They freaked out that I was in a serious relationship and they asked me a whole bunch of questions about him. Then my mom told them how I almost left to see him and they yelled at me. They told me I shouldn't be the one to leave, he should because he's the guy. The guy should be the one to make the effort to see me. That may be true, but what if we don't have a choice in the matter because his job is making him stay? It's not that he doesn't want to go and see me, he just can't.

So what do you guys think on this? Does it really matter on who goes to see who first?

[Miasmata]

The person who can more easily/readily travel should be the one who visits first. It really doesn't matter, person-wise, it's just about who can do it how and when. "Because he's the guy" is an awful and backwards reason!

[TheSteelAngel]

The person who can more easily/readily travel should be the one who visits first. It really doesn't matter, person-wise, it's just about who can do it how and when. "Because he's the guy" is an awful and backwards reason!

Thank you! And I agree. I was so upset when they said that. It really hurts how members of my family think that way. It really shouldn't matter who visits first and I'm tired of my family saying things like "Online relationships don't last. You don't even know him." I just hope one day they could be supportive in this.

[Harlequin]

The person who can more easily/readily travel should be the one who visits first. It really doesn't matter, person-wise, it's just about who can do it how and when. "Because he's the guy" is an awful and backwards reason!

This.
My parents had a similar mindset in that they wanted to meet my ex s/o before I went across. After that, it was just a matter of practicality. Saying your s/o should be making the effort because he's the guy is just silly and outdated.

[R&R]

The person who can more easily/readily travel should be the one who visits first. It really doesn't matter, person-wise, it's just about who can do it how and when. "Because he's the guy" is an awful and backwards reason!

Agreed. I have been in a few LDR's and I was always the one to go visit first. Honestly, I felt more in control that way and when I'm doing something new, I need to have that mindset. Who cares who goes to who first as long as you get to visit?

[kittyo9]

My parents said the same thing. It is very outdated thinking. It bothered me especially when they talked about it because I was the one with the money and resources to take the trip, but everyone (including my SO at the time) thought he should come to me first, simply because it was the "proper" way to visit (i.e., he was the guy). He ended up not getting his visa, so I had to go, but I don't regret it or think it was a bad idea at all; on the contrary, I had a really good time and I think I might have gotten more out of the trip than he would have gotten out of coming here.

[jeanette]

It should 100% be who can do it at the time. Why would it even matter who went as long as you can see eachother? People love to give their opinions about things they don't actually know anything about :P

[TheSteelAngel]

It should 100% be who can do it at the time. Why would it even matter who went as long as you can see eachother? People love to give their opinions about things they don't actually know anything about :P

^^Exactly

[differentcountries]

The person with more time, money and visa uppertunities should go first. Which, in our case, was me. He had time, but no money (we stayed at his friends ' house for free). For him to even get a visa later on we had to prove that I had visited him first!

[Ella85]

I agree, it's whoever can. My boyfriend couldn't afford to come visit me and I am still having another trip soon. He is hoping he can come toward the end of the year. But any travel especially internationally is expensive, some people have job commitments, they just can't. It doesn't matter who goes where it's the fact you get to see each other.

[TaraMarie]

I saw my big brother and his in laws today, and they all found out about my SO. They freaked out that I was in a serious relationship and they asked me a whole bunch of questions about him. Then my mom told them how I almost left to see him and they yelled at me. They told me I shouldn't be the one to leave, he should because he's the guy. The guy should be the one to make the effort to see me. That may be true, but what if we don't have a choice in the matter because his job is making him stay? It's not that he doesn't want to go and see me, he just can't.

So what do you guys think on this? Does it really matter on who goes to see who first?

Have you considered that these people love you and are afraid for you? In your case you have been in a relationships with this man for almost 8 months, and you haven't met him yet. You aren't that far away from each other, only two states apart, and maybe they are concerned there is a reason he won't come here and they think it isn't safe for you to go there? I don't know what his work schedule is, but I think you said he's a police officer? He shouldn't be working seven days a week, right? He has vacation time, and days off. Why wouldn't he be able to come visit you?

[Zephii]

I hate this out-dated sexist crap, honestly. This is why men need feminism too - so that they can be free of ridiculous expectations like this.

I visited my SO first. Partly because I could (I had a lot more time off) but mostly because I wanted it more. I wanted the relationship enough to invest the money and time to convince him he wanted me too. How very unladylike of me. You do what you need to do for your relationship and poo to the naysayers.

[TheSteelAngel]

Have you considered that these people love you and are afraid for you? In your case you have been in a relationships with this man for almost 8 months, and you haven't met him yet. You aren't that far away from each other, only two states apart, and maybe they are concerned there is a reason he won't come here and they think it isn't safe for you to go there? I don't know what his work schedule is, but I think you said he's a police officer? He shouldn't be working seven days a week, right? He has vacation time, and days off. Why wouldn't he be able to come visit you?

I know very well that they are worried, but it's also because they also don't know everything so they judge my decisions. He's told me that he gets only one sometimes two days off a week and he spends it either going to court in the morning (if he has too), sleeping, Skyping with me (if we are both available), or visiting his family. What some people don't get (and I'm guilty of this too) is that he's a rookie cop. Meaning that he can't take off when he wants to. It's all about seniority. We both hate it because he really wants to come see me, but he just isn't able too.

[Left4Lexington]

To kind of reiterate what everyone's said, It should be whoever is able to visit first. I visited my SO first just because it was more convenient for me since I had the time off anyway. He's planning his own visit down here soon, but it wasn't soon enough to see me first.

That being said, I understand about family and how their opinions can be sometimes. My dad isn't the best person to talk to my relationship about because he has his own outdated opinions and freely shares them without letting me explain the situation and everything. To me, there's a difference between worrying and just sharing your opinion to spite someone, whether they mean to or not. I say, SteelAngel, take their opinions with a grain of salt. They probably are just worried about you and worried about what could possibly happen.

I apologize if this opinion isn't warranted, but my own family gave me a bit of experience with stronger opinions, haha

[Moon]

I visited first, had I waited for him, I'd probably still be waiting! I'm bolder, braver, more adventurous, and I don't mind the actual travel part of traveling. Ours had nothing to do with money, ability or gender, but with what made sense for us. That said, statistically speaking, women are much more vulnerable than men when traveling alone, that is not sexist, it's just the truth. It's easy to label things as sexist and old fashioned when they're uncomfortable. Women are far more likely to be targeted by a predator than a man is, and we do have to be a bit smarter and more cautious than they do.

As a parent of a daughter, it's not sexist for me to worry about her meeting some guy from the internet, or hoping he would travel first so I could check things out, it's good parenting. That doesn't mean my adult daughter has to acquiesce, but I hope she would. Read the news, check the internet, look for yourselves, women are much more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men are, and as a parent, those are statistics you are aware of in these situations.

I was 39 -ish when I met my guy for the first time, in his country. Even though we'd worked together and were friends for quite some time, not only did my mom and dad worry, but so did my daughter Heh, try having THAT! Anyway, I didn't want them to be stressed, so I called and sent many texts, everyone had the address and my guys full name, I made sure everyone was as comfortable as they could be because, even if I'm an adult, I didn't want to cause the people that love me any more stress than I had to.

SteelAngel's boyfriend is a cop though, so I think her parents should relax a little. She should go anyway, but provide them every bit of information that she can, and keep in touch. Once they see you're being smart and responsible, and they have proof your boyfriend is who he says he is, they have no further reasonable argument to give. You may not want to, but wouldn't you rather do that and be able to meet your guy?