Dropping everything for your SO

[Vermilliona]

Hi everyone,

This is kind of a general question but I want to ask it in the context of my own feelings too. My boyfriend of almost 6 months and I recently had a conversation about what we would do if something bad happened in one of our lives and we needed the other's support. We are currently 15,000 km apart, with me travelling and working for the next 5 months (one month travelling with him).

He said he would come without hesitation for me, drop everything etc, even though I wouldn't expect him to because it feels selfish to expect that. I said I would do the same, and I believe I would, but the thing is i feel like a bad person because I wouldn't do it with no hesitation - I've been anxious/thinking a lot about how I'd have to let the people I'm working for down, spend thousands of dollars etc.

Is it selfish of me to think about this things? Does it mean I love him less if I would hesitate before flying home early if he needed me (he said he'd expect me to come if one of his family members was seriously ill)? I know it might sound like I'm looking for positive affirmation of my thought process and to be told that it's normal, but I just want to honestly know whether the way I think is selfish, because then I can try to remedy it.

He's said he wouldn't be in a relationship with me if I wasn't prepared to do this for him, and I think that's one of the main factors why I would do it, which also makes me feel selfish. If I'm a good person I should just want to do it to support him and do it without hesitation and unconditionally right? At the same time, some of my friends said they wouldn't do it for their SOs despite being together longer than we have, and I'm struggling to understand whether it's bad or normal to think the way I do and what is a healthy amount of sacrifice to expect from someone in a relationship.

Thanks in advance!

[R&R]

For me, it would depend on what it was. If one of his kids was in the hospital and really hurt, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Same if something happened to my SO.

Recently the grandmother of the two sons who live with him passed away. If he had wanted me there, I would have made it happen but he didn't feel the need for me to be there. However, this one I didn't see anywhere as important as if something happened to him or his children directly.

I know for a fact if something happened and I needed him here, he would drop everything and come here to support me.

[Redheart14]

If it was something that happened to my SO or his immediate family I'd be there. The same would occur if roles where reversed too.

[differentcountries]

I simply couldn't. I have a job, for start. I am also not married to SO. I would have no excuse too take extra time off to travel 2900 miles. I am very much needed at my job as we are only two people working there and even going to the doctor means planning in advance. I would not quit my job and risk cutting our source of money no matter how much he needed me. I would consider going to see him the very next weekend, but most likely I could still only stay for a few days.

I know for a fact that he would not even travel if a family member got sick and he was working. That is not how people do it here, no welfare visits, no weekends off, they work all season non stop. He lives a day's travel away from most of his family. They rely on him to work and would be very upset if he quit his job to see them, I imagine. He couldn't visit me spontanously if something happened to me, not just because of his work but also we will use fall just to prepare his ordinary visitor visa application.

When I met and started to date SO, his only sister (a year younger than him) had died just a little more than half a year earlier, a week before his birthday. And his dad died when he was a teenager. I am used to being there to support him and not let him slip into dark thoughts about life.

[SailorRei]

Dropping everything in a heartbeat is very hard. As a student working part time, I don't really have money to buy a ticket from Europe to US overnight. I might be able to skip a couple of classes and work, but not for long- I couldn't stay longer than a week tops.

I think it's really mostly about money and time- I can't afford to buy plane tickets for the next day, have scheduled work hours and missing those hours would make me lose money from my next pay check.

I really don't even want to imagine that something bad would happen to him and prefer to leave in a sweet bliss of believing that he and his family would be alright
It's not about being a good/bad person, it's just about having obligation and distance. If you would live in the same city- would you think twice about rushing to him?

[snow]

When we were LD and I worked part-time, I wouldn't have quit my job, but I would have request time off so I could see him if something horrible happened. I would have just had to.

[Ella85]

If something bad happened I'd do my best to try and go, but I know my boyfriend couldn't do the same. He doesn't have the finances. I do but it'd come out of my moving funds that we have saved for us closing the distance so it'd have to be something big he needed me there for. I also have a daughter and I'd have to get childcare so I couldn't go for long either.

[Zephii]

6 months in is pretty early to have those expectations, in my opinion.

Honestly though, I don't know. I don't think it would have been possible for me to do that when we were long distance. The money simply wasn't there.
On the flip side, Obi didn't come to me when my mum died, as much as I hoped and dreamed he would. But we hadn't met in person yet and weren't official... so, maybe that's the real difference? I don't know.

I think in any situation you need to give due consideration and do what you think is right. Sometimes dropping everything sounds romantic, but you'd better serve by just being there emotionally. There have been times we have dropped everything to be Skype-available, like when I was having a self-harm relapse, but that's all I've ever needed. The time and dedication (and him to lose a lot of sleep with the time difference lol). I don't think I'd ever expect him to drop everything and come to me, he's not that kind of guy.

Now we are living together I try and keep money aside in case his family get sick and we have to fly home in a hurry, but from things he has said, I'd probably be making him go. It isn't his natural instinct to just... do these things.

So I don't think you're bad or selfish or anything. I think people are just wired differently.

[hmrambling]

This is a hard question because some people confuse rescuing, saving, and neediness with love. If I had a partner who always had crises, it would be impossible for me to drop everything all of the time to go see her. I have been in relationships with people who confused rescuing, saving, and neediness with love. Also know that statements like these are manipulative: "If you love me, then you would ___________________." A sentence that reads like that is definitely manipulation.

I believe that it is honest and considerate to say that I would want to be there for my partner if something happened, and that whatever is going on with me will be the determining factor about whether I would be there. Sure I want to know that my partner would be there for me, but sometimes that means emotional support. Sometimes that doesn't mean that she will leave her job and rush to be with me immediately. In the big picture, hard times pass. Having her emotional support might be all that she could do at the time... and I would appreciate that if I had her emotional support. Sometimes it's just not possible for her to be there.

I have to take care of myself before I can be there for others, and I fully expect other people to do the same.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I think it's also really hard to plan ahead for these types of things. I could say now "of course I would go in a heartbeat!" but then what happens if something happens and I literally cannot go due to a variety of reasons (that many other posts highlighted). Does that make me a terrible girlfriend? No. However, I would still be there to support my SO no matter what. It just may be from a distance instead of in person. It doesn't mean that I love him any less. I agree with the others that it is unreasonable to be asking this of you ahead of when you would even need to be thinking about it especially so early in your relationship. And to break up with you over it? Ridiculous!

[TaraMarie]

I think it depends on the situation, the severity, the distance and the cost. My SO was having a really bad week, and was dreading facing a family party alone. I dropped what I was doing and showed up on his doorstep. He needed me and I was above to do it, so I did. I had a situation with a teacher who had problems keeping his hands off my daughter. SO got on the next place and came down so I wouldn't have to go talk to everyone at the school alone. Again, he was able to get off work, the flight was only $400, and when he told his boss he was told to leave immediately and handle the problem. I could have don't it alone, but it was so much better with him there. (Side note: said teacher has since had a terrible accident and fallen down he stairs and broken both hands. Guess he won't be touching teen girls any time soon. karma is a bitch, isn't it).

[Monalisa]

That is a tough question. If it's an emergency I think I would, but it really depends, we live different circumstances and we just can't generalize.

[staruletto]

As much as I'd want to be able to I just couldn't. It took me..... 5 months? About to save up for my flight for our upcoming trip next summer. I live practically paycheck to check. It just wouldn't be feasible for me to drop everything and go.

[Unicorn26]

I have savings so if there was something really seriously wrong, like SO had a life threatening illness or injury, I would do my best to get there. It would be really difficult though. I have children and two large dogs (one is a sweetheart, the other is hyperactive and a real handful) and two jobs. It would take a lot to organise but I would do my best to get there asap.

[WarwickGuy]

As others say, it would depend on the situation. Non-immediate family, I won't due to the cost and time and as for immediate family, I have said (quite lightly) that I would come if both her parents were very, very ill. I think the thing that would get me out of me seat right now and onto the next flight there would be if something life-threatening happened to her. If she was in a car accident and a family member of hers told me, then I would go there right now.

Also, as a student, I have commitments but they are not so solid with my classes being few, so as long as I had the money, I could make the trip.